I have a question for those of you going through D or seperation with children. Here's my situation, We have no legal plan in place yet though the children are living in the marital home with the WW, she is trying to inforce the one she proposed to me. Even if the kids want to come over to see me or spend the night she says " no it's not your or his night". But wait a second , we have no plan in place yet. How can she inforce a plan if there is not one in place? My attorney says " if the kids want to come over, or visit, or spend the night, or even move in with you there is absolutely nothing she can do"! How do they come see me or spend the night without a conflict or having a conflict with the spouse in front of the children? And even when we try sometimes they feel caught in the middle!! Any help or suggestions would be appreciated!!! Thanks!!!

<small>[ July 18, 2003, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: adamv ]</small>

Can anyone with children give some insight or experiences? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

adamv-

You learned a hard lesson--don't trust the WW, even on matters of shared parenting! I suppose that is one reason that I never moved out of the marital residence after I found out about all the A's. I was afraid there would be problems getting time with the kids and I didn't want to put them in the middle of it. Plus, I didn't want it to look like to the court that I was abandoning the family. From D-day #1 over two years ago, my WW insisted that she was going to stay in the home with the kids and that would be in their best interest. She insisted I move out and that I should believe her when she said that I would get time with the kids. I didn't believe her then and I didn't trust her now. She's lied to me about so many things, how can I trust her about an issue so important as time with the kids?

Your lawyer is right. You are still a legal guardian of the kids. You can take them with you to your residence. There is no law against that and it doesn't sound like there is any restraining order keeping that from happening. Ask you lawyer how they feel about you picking the kids up one day and heading off for a weekend out of town? See what you WW would have to say about that!

How to keep your 'negotiations' away from your children is different. It probably would depend somewhat on their age. I know my STBXW would have a fit if I tried to take the kids away with me for even a weekend. I know I don't want my kids to see us 'negotiating' over this because it would not be pretty. I have tried to avoid, at all costs, having the kids see their mother and I arguing about anything, especially when it came to an issue about them.

You could always try to go to the court and get a temporary order put in place that would specify some sort of shared parenting plan during your separation but you'd think that two reasonable adults could avoid that, wouldn't you? Well, not always. I know of a situation involving a friend of mine right now where the court ordered visitation with both parents and yet the mother has kept that from happening for over six months.

Good luck. I understand the position you are in and that is one reason I did not move out. I might have been better off changing the locks so my STBXW couldn't get back in the house!

HoFS

ADAMY,
Your atty is 100% correct. As long as no papers are filed you can pick up your kids anytime you get ready. How old are they? You might consider filing a motion to get some form of court schedule in place. Since you are the BS I would settle for no less than joint 50-50 custody. Judges are really favoring this these days. FMM represented himself and he has his daughter M - F (for 9 hours each day due to right of first refusal) and every Wed - Sat for 72 hours. He currently has her till 8/1 at 6 p.m. So know your rights and pursue them. good luck. tew

Assert your parental rights.
My STBX, who never spent time with the children, demanded them 50/50 after separation and there was nothing I could do about it.
At times, he took them away screaming for me, and physically dragging them away, which was awful given their ages. And there was nothing I could do

If you really care about your kids and want a relationship with them assert your rights now. Read up on custody plans and decide now what you want. If this drags out, what has worked during separation may be a good solution in the end.

I suggest you get the following books:
Mom's House/Dad's House & How to help children cope with divorce the Sandcastles way. The second book has suggested parenting plans and proposes wording for temporary arrangements.

It helps to know the ages of your children, how close you live to your ex, your living arrangements, etc. Write back with more details and I'll try to help more.

In my case, it took a formal custody evaluation and a court order to enforce it to get away from the 50/50. I'm scared about my H's ability to care for the children when he lives alone (without his parent's help). Be realistic in what you want, and what you can handle.

Also, I always suggest local divorce support groups, which help with the emotional side, but also the practical side. People in the same situation will know the courts in your area, good lawyers etc.

My childrens ages are D- almost 17, S-14 and S-7. I have asked my children their preference on where they would be the happiest and ALL of them said they want WW and I back together. I said " what if that is not possible right now"? My daughter said she loves us both very much and does'nt want to be in a position where she has to chose but she does want it to be a joint 50-50. My next oldest said he wants to live with me no matter what. My seven year old just wants to live with both of us so I think the 50-50 would take care of that. My WW said she would fight to her grave for full custody even if the children want 50-50. I say she is not going to get it cause my WW has nothing to prove me unfit. Just like last night, my daughter had her big debut as field commander and it's her senior year in high school,(something that will never happen again in our lifetime)and my WW came up with an excuse to stay home so she could go see her OM. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> And this is not the first time since we have been sep. that she has done this. But you know what, I don't care cause I got to spend it with my two children and it was wonderful to see them look over at ol"dad and see me give them a smile and tell them I am proud of them. Do ya'll think she has a shot at taking full custody or what?

The longer you let this happen, the more precedent you set up for her to have custody. You MUST get a written parenting agreement immediately. Sure she can't keep you from them, but how are you going to get them. You have no more right to them than she does. What do you do... arm wrestle... tiddly winks???

Get your lawyer off his duff and force a custody agreement now. The longer you leave them in her care, or only see them according to her schedule, the more likely it is that you will be living by that forever. Don't think that because there is nothing written that nothing is happening. Everytime you leave them at her house, you set precedent and build habit. That to the courts is very important. If the children are doing well in this situation, they are highly likely to leave it this way. They will look at it as... He didn't take them or force the situation before, so now, why should we change a situation which he has allowed for so long. The kids are doing well... we will just leave them be.

Don't be lulled into the whole... I am the father too thing. It really doesn't mean as much as it should. I wouldn't leave my house until she signed 50/50 custody. She was furious... but only because she felt controlled, not because she cared about our boys. The only reason I left was because I knew that I could provide a more stable life for my boys anew than she ever could.

<small>[ July 25, 2003, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>