Hello everyone,

I need to know what my chances might be or if there is any chance of getting my ex-husand back?? He left for another woman about 8 months ago. The affair started while I was pregnant with our first child. The woman is much older and has been married several times. He didn't do the typical leave for a younger woman thing.
I am still in love with him and have forgave him for the affair but he says he is passionately in love with his new lady. I want us to be a family again and raise our little girl together. I have prayed on this for the whole 8 months but he hasn't seemed to regret leaving one time. We had a good marriage and never fought much. (or so I thought we had a good marriage) We had waited 9 years to start having children and he bailed out. He said he had been unhappy for a long time but is sorry he didn't bother to tell me. I don't think he got unhappy until he met his girlfriend. Please help...I still keep praying that God will bring us together again...but I am starting to think he will never come back. Any advice you have would really be helpful and thanks for all of your help!!
Becky

HI Becky,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The affair started while I was pregnant with our first child. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Leaving you right after your first child... even makes ME angry!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But...this is how Satan works..I'm sorry for your pain... don't give up hope... just a couple of stats for you (from this site)... 97% of ALL AFFAIRS end... of the 3% that end up in marriage only ONE survives more than a year.. DRAW STRENGTH FROM THAT....it WILL END.... learn about "Plan A" and be his friend and you will be there in his life when it does

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am still in love with him and have forgave him for the affair but he says he is passionately in love with his new lady. I want us to be a family again and raise our little girl together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good... the forgiving is the hardest part... Love, by definition "forgives"
That's why a lot of marriages don't survive this. The "betrayed" one thinks it's something that was "done to them" and that they have been "wronged"
Which is true... BUT.... we (the betrayed) learn that WE have as much a hand in this happening as our spouses!!! WE...... didn't fill the needs that the other person is filling RIGHT now and we left them weak to the temptation of an affair.

Your husband is in what we call "the fog" right now... he BELIEVES he is in love.. BUT ALL love is from GOD... and God.. doesn't send other people to love MARRIED people....
Your husband is hurting...maybe MORE than you... hard to understand at this point... read this site... you'll see what I mean...

READ READ READ everything on this site about the dynamics of an affair...and about needs. Filling them and getting yours filled.

Dr. Harley has an over 90% success rate in saving marriages!!

Our marriage came back from the WORST of these situations..(see below) so yours can too...

Continue to PRAY PRAY PRAY.. Sometimes God's answer is "Not yet" he will fight for your Marriage that's for sure...

Vent here.. cry here....these boards are filled with good people. It's the most painful thing you'll ever go through but, I can say our marriage is BETTER than it ever was...

Am I glad it happened.. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
But... I learned a lot and I guess the end justifies the means...

I'll pray for your marriage... GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK
P.S. I'll try and keep and eye on you...

Thank you so much, Frank. I will definitely read everything on this site. I will keep praying and hopefully everything will work out for the best. Thanks again!
Becky

Glad to see you're here. I can't emphasize enough what Frank told you. Although I went through one of the worst d's here, I can say that God can heal. I pray for my xh's healing every day and his change.

Remember this, the only thing that can change are the dynamics YOU put into place. You cannot change HIM. Manipulation isn't love. Wanting or trying to do something to "win him back" isn't love.

He's with OW, just like mine did. And my xh's on his 2nd OW. And it seems that my xh is maybe the only person who makes it over a year with each OW. But I know it will fail. It was conceived wrongly. But that's something he will have to deal with.

What you should do is right now do an awesome plan A and WORK ON YOU. Yep. I mean do that. And do as Dr. Dobson says in LMBT which says to not be clingy and all "I want YOU BACK" to him. You need to show him a stronger, more incredible woman than before. But most importantly, dont do that for HIM, do it for YOU and the Kids. Work on you. And do read up all you can on affairs here.

It is burning hot passion now with the OW. Heck, I know that too. But remember they don't understand about LB'ing and will do it. It's easier TO WALK AWAY WHEN THERE'S NOTHING LEGALLY BINDING YOU TO SOMEBODY AND IF YOU BROKE UP ONE MARRIAGE AND THEY MARRIED THE OP, THEN RATIONAL THOUGHT WOULD SHOW THAT LEAVING THE OP/NEW MARRIED PERSON WOULD BE EASIER THAN EVER AFTER HAVING DONE IT ALREADY. So take heart in that.

Let the A die. It will. I am sure of it. My xh is convinced he's found his third soulmate. I just shake my head. And I just work on me. For me, when I felt I had done all I could do in plan A, I went into plan B. My x didn't wake up. But plan B is good. Sometimes it shakes up the WS, sometimes it doesn't. But what it does do is protect the feelings of the BS. I can say it has given me peace. Also there is a restraining order in place and my xh cannot contact me so it helps with plan B even more.

Do a very very good plan A and do not LB. Work on you and please, don't focus on him while doing this. Only think of him if you have direct contact with him one on one. And don't LB during that time. And remember, nobody loves a doormat so be strong.

My new favorite quote is this one: "Women are like a tea bag...Become really strong when placed in hot water." Get strong. Focus on you and the kids. Forget about him and work on you. Only think of him if he's directly in front of you or over phone. Let him chase you AND DO NOT PURSUE HIM OR CLING OK? I can say that the only success I had was when I learned how to speak "fogese" and didn't cling or chase.

Please Help and Peachy are totally correct. And believe me I know how hard it is to work on yourself and not let them consume your every waking moment. It's been 7 months since my husband left me and I still think of him a thousand times a day, but I don't let him know that. As far as he knows I am doing great and am prepared to live my life without him, but he also knows that I still love him and would consider reconcilation. Every situation is different and only you can decide what is right for you, but you will never survive this (no matter what the future holds) if you don't concentrate on you... and make yourself the best possible person you can be.

Whether he wakes up from the "fog" or not, you will be better off for having made the positive changes in your own life.

I will say a prayer for you and your baby.

Becky
How's the reading? A lot to think about huh? Tell us how you are.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> FRANK

Even though things look difficult now I recommend that you not give in to feelings of despair. Just about all my friends thought my marriage was hopeless after H and I went without physical intimacy for nearly a year and he moved into OW's condo and filed for D on me. But eventually he came to the realization that he was making the biggest mistake of his life! However up until he figured that out he was adamant he definitely wanted a divorce and to be with OW. Theirs was the 'soulmate' passionate type of fire thing. That never lasts as long as they think it will though. Pretty soon OW began to push my WS to divorce me and the more pressure she put on him emtoionally the more their affair began to crack around the edges. Meanwhile I was reading the books "Love Must be Tough' and "Divorce Remedy' and applying the strategies used in those. Don't give up. I never thought my marriage would rise from the ashes but it DID! Take care! lifeismessy