Hello Please Help & Lostva,

I've enjoyed your posts, and your extremely longshot story of reunion.

My friends are urging me to file for a D. My H left four months ago for an OW. Talk about longshots -- she's a strange person, and they will no doubt have a strange story.

I loved my H very deeply and very passionately, but he is a man carrying a lot of psychological luggage and personal problems I couldn't "fix." Hence, the A. While I might have done things differently knowing what I know now, I can't really take too much responsibility for this. It was truly a "happening." (One friend is calling it demonic possession!) This is his third marriage, my second. I don't believe in divorce (despite having one).

His behavior to me in the last month has been chilly and gruff in public (where we frequently see each other) -- a grunted hello if we pass is pretty much it. He appears to be building a house with OW. His kids and mine live with me. I don't talk to the kids about this much -- especially not his -- but they seem to take an extremely dim view of all this.

And they say they are happier without him in the picture, as he was morose and angry much of the time (a clinical depressive, but who knows what else is going on inside).

My own feelings towards him are getting very cool and loveless -- I'm sure this could change with some encouragement from him, which I'm not likely to get in this lifetime, it appears. The cooling is self-defense, in all likelihood. I even find him a little repellent.

I post regularly in "General Questions" -- but found you here. I'm interested in your success story. How do you do Plan A when you are virtually in a Plan B+ situation? (I.e., I never sent any letter, and do not refuse contact, but do not initiate, either.)

<small>[ July 19, 2003, 01:31 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

HI A.M.Martin,
I'm sorry for your pain... I've been there and the cold shoulder is very painful. My W once almost backed through a screen door because I reached out to touch her shoulder...

Oddly enough, my W also has/had many emotional problems. This of course makes it a lot tougher but... nothing is impossible with God.

Demonic possession? LOL.... that would make it easier... you could just call an exorcist!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can't really take too much responsibility for this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the only comment you made that worries me a little.... This is how most people think (including myself) in the beginning.

Now I'm not saying that anyone DESERVES to have this happen exactly..BUT it wasn't until I realized what I WAS DOING WRONG in the Marriage that a lot of the anger and hurt became more bearable... at least enough to do a good plan "A"

I even went as far as too call old girlfriends that I could fine and ask them what REALLY happened to my relationships with THEM..!!
(You'd be surprised how truly honest people will be after 15 years have passed!!)

I SPENT MOST OF THE TIME MY WIFE WAS AWAY getting closer to GOD and LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF and WORKING on MYSELF. NOT FOR HER BUT FOR ME...!! I figured at worst...(my W never coming back) This would NEVER happen to me again!!

You said this is your second Marriage.... I had never been married before, but had a string of hurtful relationships that ended with ME being hurt...
When I went back and found out about them.... I found IT WAS ME THAT APPEARED TO NOT WANT TO BE COMMITTED!! So,. they left me...
So what I am saying really is....

Find out what part YOU PLAYED in this (what needs of your H you didn't fill) ....don't focus on what H is doing... it will only hurt anyway... READ READ READ.... and find out about YOU.. grow... make this a time for YOU...your heart needs to know the answer to a lot of questions.

What H is doing is NOT REAL... 97% of all affairs end...the odds are on your side.... be his friend (he needs one believe me!!)

Once your H and OW "land" the fog will lift and he will be shocked at what he's been doing...(might not be remorseful TO YOU for a LONG time but he WILL come out of the fog..)

Light some candles...take a long hot soak in the tub.....and make a commitment to finding out about YOU....and.....let go of as much anger as you can.. or at least don't show it to H...
Come here and SCREAM about the cold shoulder...CRY... VENT.....LEARN... PRAY PRAY PRAY...!!

There are a lot of good people here.... they have "Been there" (When I first for here I thought I would last a MONTH at the most... it took almost 2 years.!!) Hard to believe....but you will make it!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK

P.S. I told LOSTVA you were looking for her... she's on the way!!

Thanks, Frank, your words reach me on a very depressing evening.

Re your comment on my comment: My H admitted the problems were his, not mine. While I was by no means the perfect wife, what has happened is a repeating pattern in his life, not mine. So yes, the helplessness is part of the anger. We were working on the glitches on both sides during a false recovery. I'd be happy to work on them some more. It appears he is a depressive, and uses A's to release endorphins that briefly make him positive, then settles into his "normal" self. I can't give him that kind of novelty -- the novelty of a new relationship. And that's what he craves -- new beginnings. Things that happen effortlessly. He's not very self-probing.

But let me reread your post -- I did want to thank and acknowledge. It's been a long, very rough day.

HI A.M.Martin,
Sorry for your bad day <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> {{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}} </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what has happened is a repeating pattern in his life, not mine. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ok... YOU can help him break this pattern... this may be the very reason God oput YOU in his life!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My W had the same pattern before we married...I (well God through me) broke the pattern finally... Hang in there... GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS... FRANK

Funny you should mention...I thought that was the reason I was in his life. Till he moved out.

Lostva???

I'm here!

I'm so sorry, I couldn't find you! I looked in every topic the day after Frank called me (oh, and Frank, darlin', you owe me an email) and couldn't find the post anywhere. I never posted much here, so I didn't think of looking in DD until CeeCee told me today that it was here.

Honey, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I don't know what I can do to help, but I'll be glad to share whatever I've learned and what Robert and I have been through if that will help.

Don't know how much you know about me. He was gone for 7 months, left the day after my b-day, 3 months after my Papa passed away, about 7 months after the affair began. Before he left, everything was my fault - according to him. After he left, it was all HIS fault. He was depressed, twisted, sick....my stars, I can't even remember all the ways he described himself. PT was a jewel, as well. We won't even try to describe that poor girl...I do feel so sorry for her.

During our separation, Robert tried to "Plan B" me! I'm not a huge fan of the plan where children are involved. It's not for me, even though I realize that it is recommended by the Harley's and I have the utmost respect for them and it has helped in putting more than one marriage back together. It just didn't have a place in my life. I kept remembering that line in SAA that reminds us that Plan B not only forces the WS to live without us, but prepares US to live without them in the event of divorce. I never got so tired of my version of Plan A to put B into action.

He tried to avoid contact with me for, well the same reason the Harley's recommend "no contact" with the OP - out of sight, out of mind. It made things easier for him. Makes sense. If it works for the WS and OP, it'll work for the WS and BS, right? He moved away and didn't tell me where. I had no means to contact him, no address, no phone #, nothing. Well, I DID, but it was 'cause I snooped and I didn't use them until he gave me permission, shortly before he started talking about coming home. If I needed him, I had to call his parents and they'd contact him at work in person. Well, I didn't like that much. So I started writing. I thought he might tear the letters up, but they were funny, so he didn't. I sent them to his parents and Pop delivered them to him.

Robert planned on divorce. He and PT moved in together, opened joint checking and savings accounts, credit cards, saw a lawyer about his adopting her little one, the little one was taught to call him "Daddy".

1999 seems like a long time ago now.

If it's ok with you, I'd like to take tonight to read some of your other posts before we talk anymore. That way I'll know more where you've been and where you are.

Frank has give you some wonderful insights into how things worked for him. I know that you can't "fix" someone with problems. But I also know (and Frank's a great example) that you can give that person something different to react to......and that can be very powerful.

Hang in there, this takes a lot of strength. I'll be back soon.

Lori

Thanks, and look forward to hearing from you soon. My H is trying to NC me, too!