Psy,

Don't leave until you get your legal stuff in order. Your W is just trying to protect herself. She knows what she has done to you, your children, your career, and many other things.

You can plan A and yet express your profound feelings about this. Don't back off.

You have done something that is very hard. I got the impression that you had some other opportunities available to you. Take them, and see what is happening in your life.

Psy, it is time for you to rely on your faith. You are being tested, be smart, be careful, be loving, and have faith. Things can and often do work out for the best. The do this because we decide to make the best out of what has happened.

You control your decisions, you can put your faith where it belongs, and do take care of your children.

As for you W hearing something from someone else, look her in the eye, and ask how would YOU explain to someone what you have done, and make it sound GOOD? Let her wrestle with that and if she has an answer listen to it very carefully, because she may give you the seeds you need for recovery.

One never knows where those seeds will be found.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

To Justlearning and everyone else.
As you all are aware I have been trying to proceed with my situation the best I know how. I am at a place where I need some input. I for one have given my W so much space that I have none it seems. I have been forced to live with my baby daughter in a room that is so tight enough with her alone in it. I have to watch all posessions taken out of our Master bedroom and be reduced to the garage. She is so private and into herself that she is'nt into anybody else. My children are defintely being affected. One daughter has reflected on ending life becasue of her ordeal with her mom, and the other daugther has been writing information about how she feels so much pain becasue of our family. My wife wants me to get my financail situation up to speed so I don't become a hindrance to her. She wants me to move out becasue she feels I would not be a man if I took the home from her. She does'nt want me to have full custody of the girls becasue she feels she should have 50%. She has but abandon the worship experince of shared fellowship with other believers, and believes spiritual life is whatever works for you. All the things we taught our family together has been reduced to the abyss.

I was wondering if I should consider getting my own place for a few reasons;
1. For my own sanity. No longer watch and see the behavior that is against my convictions.
2. Create an enviromnet that is one that I embrace and is conducive to my beliefs about life and family.
3. The girls would have a place with an order on providing them a priortized exisitence, they would have their emotional, spiritual needs met by Dad and not dropped off to have someone else do it.
What do you think?

Also, about the legal things I am looking for help with as well, I really don't want to bring a lawyer into it, but I do want to proceed with legal seperation. If anyone from California has gone through seperation please give some insight on what you did.
thanks.

psy,

Ok here's the deal. I don't know what you state you live in but in many states IF you leave without a separation agreement or some such document, you stand a good chance of losing custody of your children. She can claim you abandoned her. If your children are teenagers then often the get a say in where they want to live.l

The is no way on God's Green Earth, that you should avoid using a GOOD lawyer. You need good sound advice. You may be well versed in the word of God, but believe me and anyone else that posts the word of the law, often has a very sinister slant to it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Don't risk this for your children's sake. They sound like they are being badly affected and YOU need to get off dead center and get the correct advice for your situation. The people here are amateurs, and most are not well versed in the law of your state and we don't know your state.

Get good advice and get it now. Believe me the legal fees could be a lot less then everything you could lose including your family.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Guys,
I found out today that I really needed to hear beyound all the distortions and all the projections. What I found out was that my W really is dealing with pain from our itneraction over the last 9 months, she wanted me to work on our children, our home and our plans for our family, without working on us intimately. At first I thought it was immpossible but now I realize it's a place to start. I see the through many things that she can't say at this time she loves me, and she really wants me in her future, she just does'nt want a future like our present situation.

I also found out that some other sources that she has stated that she really does'nt want me to leave her life, she has gone through her journey, her midlife transition and she thought I would understand, and I could not deal with the change. I'm praying that something radically changes in our operation presently.
We are working more together and we planning more together.
I have decided to stop the legal move at this time and let some healing take place between the whole family. My girls need the presence of love and not grudge.
psylocke.

Hi psylock,

I'm glad to hear you are seeking and finding some answers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ladysheep

I thought I was braking through the madness, and long behold I have found that perhaps I have only scraped the surface. My emotions have been clearly in the dumps when it was revealed that my W expressed that she did not want me to be alarmed about her life becasue It does not involve me, and if she has outside relationships it does not have anything to do with me.

In addition, I have found out that it appears that a male counterpart has captured her heart and drawed her attention away. I thought we were heading in the right direction, but she claims that I have nothing appealing to her, that we are two diffrent people. She states that I need medical help becasue I need to get over her becasue she has gotten over me.

She has said that there is no way she can work with someone who is demanding and controlling.
This is mainly due becasue I have tried to state my position on things and her position is that is control.
I have migrated to my dauther's room, my wife has put a lock on her room to keep me out. She has a new group of freinds that she feels I would not condone of, she is into alot of new age philosphy, and she will not let anything get in the way of her life including her children.
She feels if the kids don't have any food I should do something, if they have needs at school I should take care of it, becasue her career is more important.
The bottomline is that even to sense her around me makes me nervous and unsettled. I want so bad for us to change this setting, I know I shoud know seperation must be done so I can recieve healing for myself, but I am so scared of losing my W, when I really lost her most likely a long time ago. I keep thinking that me in the house makes this so hard, especailly when she stands flatfooted on going out with opposite sex. MY girls need me around, but I don't like being around in the atmosphere. Here's the question, should I go? I have been flip-flopping over and over. If I leave this time I can't come back and my working with my children will change.
They have lost respect for me becasue of how they think I let mom have her way.
Should I get a counseling? I have seen a number of counselors and they think I need to give her the space she requests and get healing becasue of what I find that brings me fulfillment. I have tried to move in that direction but it's so hard I wish there was a radical way to get my emotions stable. She hates talking to me, she does'nt want me to talk about us. I have been lonely for almost a year, and she clearly does not care. I understand becasue she has nothing for me, in my position I think knowing she is open to outside relationships while we are still married, I think a divorce is needed immediately. I told her this and told her it based on my convictions. She seemed really agitated over that, and now I when this happens we are offically over. I can pursue what I need the right way, and have now power to think anything about us becasue there is no us. Let's here what you guys have to say about all this, it is so hard it's harder then death itself.

<small>[ August 10, 2003, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: psylocke ]</small>