Every once in a while I find out my husband has been at a nudie bar. It's usually after the fact. Like, he won't call home and say "Honey, I'll be late because I'm going to give my hard-earned money to some stripper instead of buying something for you." He'll just come home late, and sometimes he tells me the truth. I get REALLY upset about it. At first I would get violent, cry, etc. I haven't left him over it... We have a child and I can't see uprooting my family over this. I am sure that I am one of the naieve wives you hear all about. I mean, while we were dating, I found a Playboy Magazine and got a little upset. The one with Farah Fawcett on the cover. He told me that "He reads it for the articles and because he grew up on Farah..blah, blah, blah" So, I guess that pacified me and taught him that I liked to be lied to in order to save my feelings... So, here I am. The lastest is that is company is relocating and he had to work on a Saturday (which never happens), so ok. I went to the mall with my son and took him to the movies. I figured I'd be home by the time he came home. He called while I was in the theatre and said that he was done and going to have a bite with his buddy from work. I finally got in touch with him and he said he'd be home in 45 minutes so that we could go out that night because we had a sitter. Hours go by and he's still not home. (This is ususal) When he finally calls, he says that he was called back to work because of some emergency, blah, blah and I am upset but say ok...and believe him! Three days later I find an ATM reciept in a neighborhood no where near any of his places of business and not even in our county. I do a little search of the neighborhood where the bank is on the internet and find that it is right next door to a nudie bar. Now, he lied. What really stinks is that I am nervous about approaching him about it. I feel like he'll find some way (as usual) to switch things around. All of a sudden, I am the snoopy-wife who gives no privacy! I have trouble talking to him without us arguing and I hate it. <P>Now that you have read this...give me your take on it from an outsiders point of view...<BR><P>------------------<BR>Sincerely,<BR>Jane

Ok Jane,<P>Ask him why he feels the need to go to these bars....I mean, everything is ok at home. There is no need to go looking if all his needs are being met with you, right?<P>Don't accept the excuses...have you ever called his work to see if he is actually there?<BR>

I have asked him why he feels the need to go to these bars...and his reply is that he is a MAN and he can go where ever he wants. He turns the tables around to make me feel like I am a control freak. Like I am trying to control his comings and goings and tell him where he can and cannot go. He HATES to feel like he is being told what to do or being controled. He actually told me, in so many words, something to the effect of...if I tell him what to do he feels like doing the opposite and vise-versa. So, I guess, If I don't bring it up,maybe he won't go. Isn't that crazy. I say it has SOMETHING to do with his mother. Needless to say, it is complicated. I have called his work during the day...and he seems to be there. He could be leaving...I don't know... ?????????????<P>------------------<BR>Sincerely,<BR>Jane

First of all the 'being a man' thing is real load of CRAP!<P>What I meant about the calling at work, was if you had called at some of these other times when he says he is being called back for an 'emergency'. I know that he doesn't call you, but when he is supposed to be home, you could call and keep track in a little notebook and if he says he was working, you just have to say that you called x number of times and never got an answer...<P>And as I said, if he getting his needs filled at home, emotionally, sexually and any other way....why does he need to go there? I have never felt the need to go. As a matter of fact, the night before my first marriage, the guys were going to take me to one and we almost got into a fight when I refused to go....now my brother....he is on a first name basis with many of the girls in several bars and to him, they are just friends...<P>Now this thing about his mother....if she was EXTREMELY strict with him growing up...he may feel the need to be his own boss....if that is the case, then you both need to have some counseling so he can begin to understand what his role is in your relationship.<P>I don't think you are a control freak...just wanting to know where your man is....my W keeps pretty good tabs on me. I don't feel controlled....

Thanks for your advice. I think I'll do the notebook thing. We have talked about the counseling as well... we even did it once and it seemed to make things worse, so we stopped. I don't think she was the right one for us. But I do think that we need to find someone who can help us talk and understand each other. <P>------------------<BR>Sincerely,<BR>Jane

Maybe investigate a male counselor so he won't think his manliness is being invaded....he will probably take the man's advice over a woman's any day of the week too from the sound of it....me, I always preferred women counselors....<P>Good Luck<BR>If you have any more questions...ask

Ok, so, your brother... is he really just friends with these girls? or what? <P>It is hard to remove yourself from a situation that you are completely immersed in and see it neutrally. As an outsider reading my posting, what do you think? Do you think I am being too gullible? I am trying to be trusting of my H, because if you can't trust him... you know? But as I wrote it, I felt mighty dumb because the instances where this occurs are over periods of time so you forget and move on. But when you put it all together, its just sad!<P>------------------<BR>Sincerely,<BR>Jane

well, as to my brother....I don't really know to tell the truth....He is 37 and has never had a girlfriend...I guess he saw my life and said nope...<P>I know that he knows a lotof them and that after they are done working that they sit around and just talk....I guess he can look at them and not get excited.<P>As for you being too gullible....nah....you just love you H and want things to work out.<P>I still would want to work maybe with a male counselor and try and figure out WHY he is doing this.<P>Stay in touch<BR>fb

Thanks so much!<P>------------------<BR>Sincerely,<BR>Jane

This might not be a popular reply but its my opinion.<BR>I personally see nothing wrong with a man going to the nudy bar nor looking at porn. What I see as a problem is being lied to. Maybe if he felt that he could tell you these things he would. It seem because of your lack of liking of those enviorments causes him to be a sneak. If you have total confidence in yourself and your marrage then him looking at some TnA shouldnt be hurtful. The lies and the sneaking can be more hurtful right? Why dont you like him going to those things? Do you think he will stray?

You have the right to feel disrespected<P>This is what I would do<P>The next time he calls to say he is going to a bar tell him you are going out<P>See his reaction<P>What is happening is that he is feeling satisfied at going to these places and thinks there is nothing you can or will do about it<P>You do not have to live in hell like this<P>You are a decent woman and no one must abuse<BR>you like this<P>Go out and find a social worker, or Pastor or Counsellor and talk to them<P>Get the counsellor to phone him if he will not listen and ask him to come for counselling<P>Take this task to heart , take control of it before it controls you any more<P>It is tearing up your emotions and life<P>You are not a doormat<P>He promised to share his life with you and now he is going his own selfish way and leaving you to hang on your own with the child<P>Stop this behaviour with him before it gets worse<P>He is disprespecting you by looking at other naked girls and it is unfair because it is hurting your feelings and he must come into an agreement with you in front of your counsellor or other alternative steps will have to be made and he needs to be spoken to very deeply and firmly by a professional third party and you need counselling badly for this as you are being mentally tormented by him and he does not feel a thing of guilt about it mostly thanks to alcohol, a love buster and communicatin buster,emotion buster and isolator in marriage<P>Carol<BR>kidnpuppetshow@yahoo.com

Hi CJ;<P>Just wanted to see if you were doing OK?<BR>FB

Hi Freddy...Thanks so much for your advice...and the follow up. Yes, I am alright! Things are better. Helps that I went away on vacation for a week too!<P>Thanks again...<P>Let me know when you need some advice! Be glad to help!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Sincerely,<BR>Jane

Calamity,<P>Hi. I can relate to your story. My h would also go to strip clubs on occasion. I may find out after the fact and then again I may not. I would get very upset. I didn't like him going there. To me strip clubs drip with infidelity. I want to meet all of my H's needs. I don't want other women meeting his needs. I found it hard to explain this. I think I finally did it though. I explained it to him by telling him that it made me VERY jealous that he was doing this. I told him I didn't want other women turning him on. I told him that He was tempting himself at these places. Would your H like it if you went to a male strip show? Probably not. Try to explain to him the feelings you have about him doing this. That it is not a control issue, but he did vow to forsake all others until death do you part. That means ALL nude women besides yourself! I think counseling might be good for you too.<P>Good luck and God Bless,<P>NM