Dear All:

The divorce from my wife of 18 years was official back on April 14th so it has been more than 3 months now. We have two great children and consequently we are in touch to some extent. All during the break-up period and even as recently as this past week, my x-wife spoke of there being good hope of a reconciliation; but that she just needs time to pursue her independence and sexual exploration. She continues to use phrases like, "well, I don`t have a crystal ball"; "no one can predict the future", and, "if we are meant to be, we will reconcile, and if we are not meant to be, we will not". etc. etc. Does anyone have experience in responding to these kind of vague, open-ended statements from an x-spouse. Sure, I know that also I can just let her go, but I do still Love her and believe that if we could just begin talking, we could do some necessary healing. My x-wife, however, refuses to initiate anything. Her tactic is that of a "pocket veto". She just does nothing and seems to be waiting for my love for her to expire. How long can I wait though? We were together 22 years. Our crisis began just over a year ago. Isn`t it appropriate that I give her more time especially since she continues to send me these positive signals.

Is what she is doing fair though? Why is it so hard for her to say that it is 100% over? And why is it so hard for me to 100% let go. It seems that she is playing both sides of the court and I am the tennis ball. Please help me with this dilemma.

Standing in Finland

Standing,

She isn't playing both sides. You are waiting for her to make a decision she has told you she won't make. She is moving on with her life, and if at some time in the future she feels an attraction to you, she may persue it. Otherwise, she doesn't care. You two are divorced and she is acting like it.

You decision is really one of deciding what you want to do with YOUR life. She has decided what she wants to do: explore. You are out.

I know this sounds harsh but it seems from your posts she has been consitent in this. So the question is: how are you going to lead your life? Are you going to learn from the past and make the future better? I hope so. Are you going to start dating and seeing what your future holds in the romantic arena? I hope so. Will you lose your love for your exW as you do these things? I don't have a clue.

It seems to me you need to decide what is the best course of action for you. If it is to wait on her, then do so. This all might be a test on her part, but I have no way of telling what your interactions with are are like. It may be that she simply does care whether you go or stay around, and may not even before the divorce. Is that why you had your A's, her lack of connection to you?

You need to stop worrying about her. She has declared her independence, left the marriage and is on her own. Your job is your life now. Do it well.

Those are my humble opinions.

God Bless,

JL

Hi JL:

Thanks so much for bringing sense to the situation. You are right. My x-wife has indeed been very consistent in basically making no effort to reconcile. It is I who keeps reading subtle meaning into every move she makes. I have just been so blinded by faith and hope. I truly must let her go, and I have been; though gradually. Wonderfully, romance has already come my way. I have been seeing a terrific woman now quite regularly over the last few months, although neither of us feels ready for a serious commitment as of yet. Indeed, we are moving slowly. She is also fresh from divorce and I think we are both wise enough not to "rush in." The dilemma I still feel though most involves my children. If no children were involved, then I would be able to let go of my x-wife much more easily. Somehow I have this core belief that my children would be much better off with our family returned in tact. I am fearful of what can happen to children of divorce and I am terribly guilty for my part in bringing this all upon them. The scenario I fear is: I completely let go of my x-wife and fully pursue the relationship which I have begun. Later though, my x-wife (after she has had enough of the independent single life) wants to return. What then? I will see three sets of eyes (my x and our 2 children) pleading for our family to return together; back to the "old days". What then? How could I possibly hurt the new woman in my life. I couldn`t. I don`t want to hurt anyone! I guess I just must let my children know that no matter who I am married to, that I will be a consistently good and caring father. So perhaps I have already answered my own question?!

This is a dilemma, but life is often this way.

Standing (for me!)

The dates on your by-line where you say you confess to an affair coincide to the date of her affair beginning.

She may be rebelling against your first choice to have an affair and was mortally wounded by that choice. I can understand her pain, but 2 wrong's don't make a right.

She is not your wife and you can use MB concepts when dealing with her, but she is doing what she wants to do now and is probably really hurt after what you did. Thus the old saying "payback is hell".

You have no choice but be a good dad and get on with things. However you can learn MB principles and apply them to your xw. However, there is no marriage to save. It's over. If a new beginning is to come, you must not be posessive of her or anything like that. You can't force anybody to come back to you. We wish you the best in whatever outcome.

Some have gotten back together, others haven't. I will probably fall into the "not" category myself. But it's ok.

Just do the right thing and don't smother her. Read "Surviving and Affair" by the Harleys. Also read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. Good affair reading. But remember this carefully--it is easy to pass judgement against her, but if I read correctly in your by-line, it was YOU who first violated the vows and had the affair. And as it says in the Bible--"He who is blameless may cast the first stone." So don't feel more righteous or more right than she is. You both were WS. And she became wayward because of your affair most likely.

Some BS, like me, get angry and want to get even. They may have affairs. I didn't. But they may want to make you feel the pain we have felt. And I can attest that it really sux being a BS and it hurts worse than almost anything ever.

Hi Just Peachy:

I do not feel righteous at all about my actions. What I did was plain wrong and I will have to live with it for the rest of my life. And you are right; two wrongs do not make a right, but all I can do is be concerned with my wrong.

But why do I feel and know so 100% for sure that if the shoe were on the other foot; that if my x-wife had confessed to me that she had strayed and betrayed in the manner that I did; that I would have forgiven her and would have wanted to work very hard at repairing our marriage.

I believe that Love is forgiveness. Indeed I did not leave her early in our marriage when she physically abused me repeatedly. I stuck by her because I sensed she has going through unresolved childhood trauma caused by her father`s abandonment. I took the abuse; became her father for a while I guess. In the end though, I see now that the abuse affected me very deeply and caused me to lose respect for her and for myself thereafter. I really don´t think I ever felt the same towards her. But rather than resolving it through counselling, I instead embarked on a campaign of silent random revenge which resulted in six one night (one hour) stands over a period of 12 years combined with binge eating, overworking, and very poor self-care. All that time, I wore the mask of a happy family man, but underneath, I was deeply troubled; crying for Love but seething with the need for revenge.

Maybe this explains things. I`ll just have to let it go. She refuses to see her side, grow beyond rebellion, and feel Love. Without that, there is no hope.

Still Standing in Finland