As I struggle to pick up the peices left from this wrechage known as an A...then cipher all the lies and deceit....look at my kids and struggle with the reality that in some fashion I contributed to the A....now, being blamed and riddiculed and all the other unloving actions that come from the WS....AS I pick myself up repeatedly from the hosp visits, the meds, the emotions, etc.....Here is my ?????

What goes through the mind of the WS?????
my WS W seems to be making out like a champ....exercises, friends, beach...etc....is this a smoke screen...is she really hurting....
WS....let me know??????

Amazing grace - same ? here! seems they have everything under control, and life is just grand for them. Where is the sadness, the loss of a family, the loss of a unit. Where is the history that makes the difference. Where is the remorse and guilt about what they have done to the family. Yes, we betrayed spouses had to do with the marrige, but we didn't create the affair. This is where I am sure I would of never had an affair. My life was centered around morals, and my husband had a hard time getting intimate with me before we dated. He had the experience already, and knew what he was doing. Seems the betrayed spouse are the ones that are more sensitive. Can't wait to see the others and their feelings about the way their wayward spouse feels.

I think this type of behavior is just innate within the person who is capable of deceiving and lying to their family. They are so shallow, that for us to put our deeper emotions and questions on them is like picking up a piece of paper expecting the drawing to continue on. It is more of a 'what you see is what you get' type of behavior.

I think one thing that we as betrayed spouses and betrayed parents, because I truly think that my ex betrayed our family even more than she betrayed me; should not do however is to attempt to find solace in the thinking that they will get 'theirs'. I have been posting on this site for over a year and a half and the ubiquitous theme that pops up over and over again is that the WS is loosing out and will end up regretting their actions at some point. Whether they do or they don't will never really change how we as BSs function. Sure, in some ways it would be nice to see my ex curled up at the bottom of the stairs unable to climb them because of her grief. However, to expect that would be to put more character in her being than could ever be had by her. And besides... I would never want anyone to feel the pain I felt when I thought I might loose my boys. Not even her...

WSs are by definition shallow and egotistical. While they might regret what they have done to some degree, the basic tenet that they were of such low character that allowed them to rationalize the most severely destructive behavior in a family; is also the same lack of character that keeps them from ever feeling the depth of grief from their decisions. I doubt that we will ever see anything remotely approaching how we felt. Even if they did, it would be hidden to such a degree to keep their 'pride' intact.

My ex looked at me... shrugged her shoulders... raised her eyebrows... harumphed... and curled her lip... when I told her it appeared that she was just keeping her other man on the back burner. That ability to bring her behavior to its most blatantly hurtful is what will forever keep her from ever realizing what she could have had. She will forever blame me for everything wrong in her life, until she can start blaming someone else. Her mother is like a lesser version of her... and she is in her mid 70's, so I see no reason to think that my ex will ever change.

I think that overall, we as BSs put too much credit in the abilities and character of our WSs. We tend to think "HOW could you do that?" When they are thinking, "Why did I wait so long?" My ex had always said that children of divorces were some of the most difficult children to deal with in school. Within about 2 months of saying that once again, she wanted a divorce... stating "This will be good for them." "I think they won't be surprised at all." Her ability to rationalize her affects on the world are what keep her going.

God help them if they ever truly see how they have acted... but then again... I doubt very much that they have the ability to look at their behavior clearly. I know I am still the cause for all my ex's suffering. Even though I see her for a total of about 3 minutes a week tops.

<small>[ July 21, 2003, 11:26 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

They did it and haven't stopped or looked back yet!!!! Will they someday? Probably!!! Will we ever know it? Probably not, as our lives will move on and we will get to a point were it wont matter.

However on the recovery board someone posted this a while back and it helped me to understand the "Why" question. The spouse that I married and loved would not have done this, or so I thought!!!!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=010537

It is a very long read, but find the time, it is worth it!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If your WS was the person you thought they were then they will have regrets and know they made a mistake. If your WS isn't the person you thought they were and they have moved-on without intraspection then you shouldn't care.

Whether my XW regrets what she has done or has remorse is irrelevant to me. As a friend of hers I do hope she works on herself the way she needs to and I wish her all the happiness in the world.

In time hopefully you will let go of the bitterness of the past and look toward the future and realize your full potential.

You're devastated cuz it seems, from your perspective to have happened all at once. From the WS's perspective though... it's very different. Lie by lie, they rationalized themselves to where they are now. Their values changed as the crossed outside of the boundaries of their marriages to us.

In a sense, they have had all the time in the world to come to terms with what's been going on. Not only that, but they got to pick and choose the timing, the conditions, and the next step they would take. <-- I am inclined to think this is all about denial because to them NOTHING is ever their fault.

Caveat: There are some WSs on MB and in this forum that are outstanding individuals. They are that way because the ponied up to the consequences.

Most WSs are so infatuated and well-rationalized by the time the BS finds out, that you can't even talk to them about it.

Kudos to Lyxa. He's right on. By the time I found out about either OW, he was not at all the same man I had once married.

He said the usual lies: "we aren't friends anymore" "I have grown", "I want you to be happy; don't you want me to be happy" and "our son is doing fine--it's you that has the problem with the way things are (regard to our son having crying fits when his dad would not come home and stayed with OW1).

So the lies are lies. And you can't get around them unless you change your viewpoint. My x would have a party and think that the world is the best place and that life is perfect if ONLY...If only I would just "be his friend" and "applaud him in his search for happiness/or search for below the belt happiness". If only I'd just want to have them over for coffee or dessert and take Ms. Family Values out shopping and then to Chuckie Cheese (sorry that's a joke--she's just now 25). And then maybe to a movie and then he could meet us all out together and have dinner with us...and maybe something else...He's the original cake man. And they all are.

So remember that they've turned everything upside down. What's once black is white and bad is good. How I dealt with the wayward x? He thought I was "the best listener in the world and had grown so much and felt so comfortable around me" when I did this...After he'd drop off son at door and try to talk to me, I'd "smile and nod my head at him. And mutter, "Yea" now and then like I was in agreement with him (waywards love to believe they are right in doing everything). Then I'd say "yea, you're exactly right. I agree with you for the most part and think it's great you want to be friends with me and would love that but I am not going to say what you've done IS right. Then I would immediately change the subject to ME and say something like :well, I've gotta go Jethro. At six is aerobics and then I have plans tonight. Bye". They understand ONE thing. Selfishness. And when you agree with them, they loooove it. But then you suddenly change and say that you aren't agreeing and then YOU talk about YOURSELF. Oh my goodness. Could WE be changing also? They freak out. They don't understand. They cannot concieve it.

They can't get that you do want to see them happy but...here's the kicker...YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY TOO. How dare you try to be happy and do things for yourself and not beg the WS to take you back. How dare us. Suddenly they just don't get it. It's counter to THEIR being the ones with THEIR NEEDS being met (maybe by plan A or also by the OP). And here you are, the BS WANTING YOUR NEEDS TO BE MET.

It's funny, but they freak out and then try something else. I freaked out when the next time my xh said "I was such a good listener and had changed". The next week he called and asked me and my son out to lunch with him and told us he went to church. But quickly recanted after asking (he had just met Family Values and might have wanted to "cheat" on her with his wife--me). So just try it. It's worth a laugh anyway.