After 20+ years of marriage to a military chaplain, he began an affair with a 26 yo! The affair lead to his sending the kids and I back to the US alone. The affair ended over a year ago but he still says he wants a divorce. He says he no longer loves me as his wife and only wants to be friends. My heart breaks from knowing that my vows and my dreams are gone. I feel as if he took the best years of my life and now is dumping me and our three special needs adopted children. I face a dismal future both financially and physically because I gave up a career to follow him around the world and to raise the three children "we" adopted. If I can't save our marriage, how can I save myself? Right now I don't feel like my life is worth anything at all.

JakesD,

Ok, the first thing you need to do is see a Doc. Get a complete physical, and tell him/her what is happening in your life.

Next, since you are still married to your H and he is in the military you need to go visit three people at your nearest base: Yes the Chaplain (you could go to a base of a different branch of the military, but he may still know your H, sorry), then legal (you have many rights including a fraction of his retirement), and finally family services.

The family services people should be able to guide you as to getting assistence with your special needs children so that you can get back to work.

The legal people can help guide you as to your rights under military code, and perhaps guide you to a good civilian lawyer.

The Chaplain...well you know what they can do.

Why all of this "practical" advice instead of telling you how to save your marriage? Because your H doesn't deserve you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Now I want you to listen to this very carefully, someone who would adopt and care for THREE special needs children is a Very Very Special Person . Not only is your life worth living, it is extremely valuable, not just to your children, but to the human community in general. You have done a very good thing, and you are an example of what can be done for children.

So, after you have made these visits and seen the doc, start focusing on yourself. You are of no use to your children as a vegatable. Eat right, get your sleep (use sleep aids if you have to), exercise, start deciding what you would like to work at, and start getting your children settled into their new life with you.

Finally, Jakesdaughter, smile. It will make your life and your children's life much better.

So get your health sorted out, even anti-D's if you need them. Get your finances figured out (support, half of his retirement, etc), and get your physical and mental health were it needs to be.

I suspect you fear a life of loneliness. I suspect you are very very wrong. A woman that takes care of herself, clearly has the charity in her heart to adopt these children, and has her life together will attract people to her.

So start practicing that smile, and get the information and assistence you need. You have NOT wasted the best part of your life, you have set the stage for a better part of your life. GET TO WORK.

God Bless,

JL

JL, thank you for the great advice. I wish I could say it has made a difference for me, but I'm facing the loneliness you mentioned because I am also living with severe asthma (exerbated by the emotional stress) and fibromyalgia (recently diagnosed)which I most likely have had for over 9 years. One thing you said that hit home was the comment about him not deserving me. So many people over the 20+ years have said the same thing. I realize no one is without blame in the breakup of a marriage, but I told him to his face that "no matter how much I nagged, no matter how often I argued with him about the kids, etc.....nothing I did wrong deserved what he did to the kids and me. He, a man of God (supposedly) had an affair with the wife of a couple he was supposed to be counseling for their marriage problems, he shoved the affair in my face telling me she was more of a woman than I was. He abused the children several times, abused the dog, and most of all he abused me. Having said all this, I still do not want a divorce because I always have believed that he could get better with counseling (which he refuses to do) and because I believe marriage is for life. My Dad always said "You make your bed, you lay in it". Am I just crazy or what? I feel I have failed my marriage, my children and myself. I feel that I am sucking oxygen for no good reason.

Jakesdaughter

Just Learning gave you great advice! I want to reiterate it a little bit. You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel I have failed my marriage, my children and myself. I feel that I am sucking oxygen for no good reason. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have not failed. While, as you pointed out, there are probably things you have done which contributed to your current situation, this is NOT a thing that is due to solely your own actions. He contributed to some of your problems too.

There are plenty of us here on this board who were with our spouses for over 20 years, and in some ways it's worse for us. We've sunk a lot more of ourselves, sacrificed more, gone through more of life experiences (surgeries, education, raising kids) than those who have been married just a few years. But you can get through this. It's just doing it one day at a time. Make a plan for everything. Do the things that JL suggested. He gave you great advice. Post here on this board, it can be a great source for venting and support.

Sorry to hear of your situation jakesdaughter.

I hope you know, no matter how bad things are you are always worth something. You may not think you're worth something to yourself, but I'm sure someone else does.

As long as you are </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">sucking oxygen </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">there is always hope.

Please keep trust in god to lead you through all of this. As much as things might not seem good from the god perspective, he will see you through this. He knew you before you were born and he's loved you ever since. Put all of your problems into his hands and let him work his plans. John 14:14 </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

jd,

I am sorry that this is happening to you right now!!!

I am one of those that have been married over 20+ years, to military too. YOU WILL SURVIVE!!! I understand still wanting to make your marriage work, I did. BUT when THEY don't you have to move on. In moving on, you must look out for yourself, protrect you and the kids financially and emotionally. You need to do a Plan A for you, go read about it and then write your plan down so you can measure your progress.

You've not said where it is that you are living at this time, just that he sent you back to the States. Did he send you with your household goods? What support do you have for yourself and your kids? How close are you to a military installation?

I am going to ask what it is you did about your WH commiting adultery while being active duty? Did you go to his commander? Have you said anything to the religeous denomination that your WH is ordained through? By being a military chaplain he has broken many rules. By abusing you or the children he has broken many rules!! Are you going to allow him to break the rules with no punishment? That is something that you will have to pray about considerably. Don't think that you are doing it to get back or even with him for what he has done to you. BUT because he has hurt people and he has broken the boundaries that have been set up by his superiors to protect others.

Being military helps in many ways as there is recourse if you are not getting financial support. They will take it straight from his pay for you!!! Make sure that you get a very good lawyer, interview many, you will need one that is good with military divorces and also with divorces that include special needs children. There are many things on both sides of that that need to be looked out for. Depending on your kids degree of disability they may be provided for through the military their entire lives. When your WH retires you are entitled to half of his retirement pay, DO NOT LET anyone try and put that with your alimony or child support, THAT is something that you are going to be given by the military for the time of service that you gave to them. Make sure that you have a clause that protects you if he goes for disability, my understanding is if they go the disability route we can not get any of that, they take the disability as opposed to the retirement to stop us from getting our fair share. There are ways around it for us!! GET a good lawyer. The last thing I want to throw out there for you is that once we divorce an active duty person we are stilled entitled to healthcare BUT have to pay the same rate as a retired person to stay on TRICARE PRIME.

Take care of yourself, that is so very important, it will take all of the strength that you have to get thru this BUT you will make it thru and you won't believe the better person that you will be.

This comes from an e mail that was sent to me this morning, it just really touched me.
"Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened." Remember the good times, and move on!!

My email is notinsd2001@msn.com e mail if you want or need, I will help how I can.

Take Care, God's blessings
Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

jakesdaughter,

Please post and let us know how it is you are doing!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry I haven't been here to read any messages, but my phone service went out thanks to the way too many electrical storms here in central FL. I see the specialist tomorrow and hope he can help me get some pain relief and rest. Hopefully that will make me feel better. Re: ??'s about WS. I didn't have to tell the CO, he knew what was going on. He was in the process of bringing him up on charges and I asked him not to do it because the only people who would suffer from his being released from duty was the kids and myself. The CO agreed not to persue the charges as long as he continues to pay spousal and child support.
He knows he will be charged if he stops the support in any way, so that offers some sort of safety net for the kids and myself until he retires from the service. In the mean time, the fall out from his actions continues to destroy the family. He has threatened to force me to sell the house kids/I are living in. He has made it clear he wants the divorce and intends to get 51% of everything. I have spoken to a lawyer who tells me that he can ask for anything he wants but a court will stop him.... so for now I continue to pray for guidance and support and that if at all possible, God will turn his heart and soul back to where he should be. I don't see anything good coming out of all this, but I will continue to pray!

jd,

I am sorry that you have had a bad time with the weather and such!!!!

What has the doctor been able to do for you with the pain and such?

As your lawyer says he can ask for anything, but will probably not get it!!!

Start a paper now entitled "How I supported my spouses career in the military". Start back at day 1 with everything that you ever did, gave up, any and all that you gave for your spouses career in the military, wives groups, bake sale, babysitting for another mother, blood drives, the decision to be a stay at home mom, all the relocations. Get the picture everything that you can remember. Don't worry about dates as much as where it was you where living when each decision was made. I did this and it made it very hard for my spouse to do anything but give back in return for all that I had given to his career. It went to the judge with all the other paperwork, it justified what I was asking for and why I felt that that is what I deserved.

I hope that you don't mind me passing on what it is I have learned through this process. I am not advocating a divorce, I believe in marriage and the power our Lord has to turn some ones heart around. I am hopefully giving you info to prepare with as you still hope and pray for your marriage and your husband. The more educated you are the stronger you are. I still had hope and continued to pray for the restoration of my marriage up til the decree came, but with that I was realistic that the divorce was going to happen and prepared myself to go on with life, I had to make sure what I and the kids needed to do so where intact.

Anyways have a great day, continue praying, the Lord is who and what gets you through the trying times in life, let Him carry you through the sand at this time in your life.

Take care,
Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear Jakesd,
I hope you will act on all the excellent advice you have gotten. These girls CARE about you and what happens to you and the kids. Look at the awesome friends you have made thru this event in your life. I cannot add anything to their guidance, but I can encourage you.
Your value does not come from your h or how he evaluates you verbally or otherwise. You are hurting because he has rejected you. You are letting him decide your value. WRONG!!! You were precious before you ever met him and, if anything have only gone up in value. Don't let his judgement be your mirror. He's mad at himself and decided to be selfish to try and make up for where he feels he has failed in life. Now he's even madder because he realizes he's made things even worse for himself. He will blame you because right now he's not man enough to face himself.
I also believe in the sanctity of marriage, but you are only one side of the equation and need to protect you and the kids.
You need to act with love, but tough love. That way you will have nothing to ever be ashamed of. Protecting yourself is not being selfish. Don't go there.
And one last thing: Any person who will take care of three special needs kids is one fantastic person. I put you up for Mother of The Year!!!
singleguy

I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this crisis. This is so very hard to deal with but you don't have to go it alone. This site is just what the doctor ordered, everyone here cares and wants only the best for you and your children.

Keep on posting and venting here its the only place I felt I could say anything and not feel bad about it. The advise you have received is great and they know what their talking about, listen and follow their direction.

You will get past this someday and be a stronger person. I will be thinking of you and your children. Hang in there! We care.

LJ

How does one thank a person properly when they can't give them the smile, the hug and the feelings of joy at knowing others care? Perhaps the best way would be to tell you that your words, your prayers and your advice prevented someone from thoughts about taking their life. You are all angels. I'm not okay yet, but each day I wake up knowing that somehow with God's help and someone who knows I'm a good person (you folks)I see that I can survive this. I also received a very kind pat on the back yesterday. I had written an article for the Homeowner Association newsletter and when I went to pick up the newsletters for delivery, the manager of the publishing firm asked if they could use my article in other publications they have (under my own byline, too). Yesterday I realized that my worth is not simply as his wife, that I was instrumental in his obtaining his M Div, and for his ability to serve in the military all those years. You see, I either wrote or edited all his papers in seminary and wrote all his military articles, letters and program plans. I also took the time yesterday to unpack a box that I had left closed since returning to the US. In it were my many certificates of commendation from various commands, units, bases and specific programs and also my award from the city of Yuma Arizona for being chosen as their "Gran Vechina" (Good Neighbor)in 1998. After reading each and every commendation, I thought about a slogan I gave children every year in vacation bible school. It was a drawing of a boy or girl and underneath it said: I must be sumbody special cause God don't make junk! (errors intentional, lol) I know I have a long road back to believing in myself and relearning what it is like to be loved and liked for real, but for yesterday, Aug 4, 2003, IT WAS A GOOD DAY! Thank you all for all you have done for me.

jd,

Awesome!!! Our God is an Awesome God and He knew that you needed some help here on earth and sent you to MB so that we might be used by Him to help you in some difficult times. We are people that have been there and know exactly what it is like to be where you are!!! And you know what? we all made it through and stay here to help others through too!!! Others that have not been here can be so patronizing, they try and they mean well, they just haven't lived it yet!!!

Awesome about the publishing company wanting to use your work!!!! Did they say anything about paying you?!!!!!! In the paper that I told you to write yesterday include in there the things that you wrote here today about doing his papers for him!!!!

I hope that today will be another good day for you!!! You will still have a down day every once in awhile they are expected, but you know, jump on here you have friends that will be there for you!!!

Yesterday I was driving down the road and a country song came on that I have heard many times before and have listened to the words and have thought how similiar that is to me. Yesterday I start bawling my eyes out, while driving down the road!! It was the only thing that had tuned out the motorcycles all week!!! ( I live in The Black Hills by the Sturgis motorcycle Rally, over 1/2 million bikes in our area this week)

You see it does get better, the bad days are still there just not as often!!!

God's Blessings to you,
DAwn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 06, 2003, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: daybreak ]</small>

jd,

Let us know how it is you are doing, please!!!!!

I'll be gone a few days, I am taking 25 or 26 kids camping from Sun-Thursday. But please let me know how you are doing, I am concerned for you!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear jd,
In God's eyes you are a precious, priceless human being.Let God set your value. Listen, I think He's trying to tell you something. It sounds like... I think he said "I love you jd". Yes I'm sure that's what He said. Lets listen again....

I vote you for Mother of The Year.
singleguy