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I haven't posted in a while.
Question;
Why would a repeat offeneder (WS) get upset when her spouse has a friend who is a woman?
She moved out, by her choice, and they have been living separately for months.
He knows she is still being unfaithful to him.
He has known for sometime the marriage is over.
Is this some kind of control issue?
She doesn't want him but she doesn't want anyone else to have him? He can't even have friends?
Feedback please.
Thanks,
Aly
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Joined: Jun 2003
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Yah she pulled that crap on me too - right after the Divorce was final. I just BLEW HER OFF and did what I wanted to - I mean, after all, we were divorced. I had enuff of her CONTROLLING manipulative lying ways and after we separated, I did what I wanted to for the first time in 19 years.
Just my $.02 worth.
Harold
PS - Yes, it IS a control thing! You have to let the controller know that their days of controlling are OVER. Finished. Ended. Never again. It's usually a tough pill for them to swallow, but they'll eventually (usually) get over it after they realize that the person they dumped on, abused and controlled for all those years is now standing up for theirself!
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Joined: Jun 2002
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Aly,
You already know the answer to this:
- For a BS, dv is about cutting loses and moving on with life. We sigh, accept the loss, and start laying a foundation for what's to come next.
- For a WS, dv is about having to face consequences... a dose of their own medicine. Very quickly, they realize they have lost and so do things out of spite.
Spiteful things they might do:
- Subpoena communication docs like a cell phone or computer files to drag out the divorce
- Suggest infidelity on the part of the BS
- Hire a PI to make sure that friends aren't anything more than that. Remember, in a divorce, it's just a piece of paper but to the courts and in some cases - like the military, infidelity can be defined by when things occur relevant to that piece of paper.
I would suggest that you advise your friend to be very careful.
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Joined: Jul 2003
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Lyxa, I don't think I could have said it better myself. Through counseling, I have learned to move on with my life and it is definately about cutting your losses. It's been an incredibly slow and painful process, but I have found finally what so many others before me have tried to explain to me. You have to let go of them to move forward for your own healing. Letting go was the hard part...once I let him go, I was able to forgive him.
I don't know what lies ahead or what the future may bring. But I know I am not suffering any longer torturing myself over him and her together.
For me, I think he is being very spiteful right now, particulary concerning our child and saying mean things to me and accusing me of doing things I'm not guilty of, but then I expected this, I guess.
CH
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Hello Aly!
My friend is just in the same situation:his wife left him(TWICE!!)for someone else but SHE is still trying to control his private life and even dares to express her jealousy by blaming him in front of their common friends!!
I would say,simple minded people would behave like that.
This is why we have to be very careful with this kind of persons and try to stop them hurting others
all the bests
kindaconfused in Europe
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Joined: Apr 1999
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Why would a repeat offeneder (WS) get upset when her spouse has a friend who is a woman?
Because he has a friend who is a woman.
He has known for sometime the marriage is over.
So they are now divorced?
A divorce almost NEVER ends of the issues which brought the marriage to an end.
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There is nothing wrong with having a platonic friend of the opposite sex. The problem is when it goes from friend to "friend", as us BS's know all to well. This transition is easily seen to someone who has their eyes open.
A BS will face false accusations or accusitory hints from the WS because it is self justifying for the WS if the BS is having an affair too.
To tell you the truth, who cares what your WS says about your friend, as long as that is all it is, especially if the WS is still in the affair. If it is nothing more than friendship, you have nothing to worry about.
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Yes. If it is nothing more than a platonic friendship. "IF"
I still advise you to be very careful Aly. You've dealt with tremendous issues in your own dv... you sure you want to become a bystander in someone else's? Be safe. Be careful.
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Thanks for all the advise.
Aly
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Joined: Jul 2003
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Yeah, it sounds like a means of justifying the WS's A.
I think it is also a control issue, where the WS is befuddled that the BS goes out of the box she thinks she had him in. (I think my WW got a good dose of this when I informed OM's W. Don't think she thought I had the balls to do it or that I'd be a nice BS and bendover even more).
Maybe seeing him with another woman makes her feel some of the pain the BS has felt from the A? Such as her realizing the reality of the D.
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I think that's really what it's about.
She's been fooling around for the last 3 years. She's said things like,"It's all about me!"
"I have to go out and figure out what I need."
Blah, Blah, Blah.
In the mean time she's not taking care of her special needs child and has even dumped him on her parents.
I can see how men as well as women can fall into the whole abuse syndrome.
Now that he's found the strength to walk away from her, she's dumb founded. She can't seem to understand that's he's drawn the line in the sand.
He doesn't love her anymore and has given up on the idea of them being together.
Of course he tolerated so much from her, she keeps expecting him to take it.
All I can do at this point is pray for him.
He's a wonderful man and deserves to be loved.
Aly
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