Hi everyone.

I haven't posted for some time now. No new updates. Since that day at the courthouse, nothing has changed. He is still living with the OW and hasn't made any atempts to try to make things work.

But for the first time since DDay, I can finally say, I'M OKAY. You know before I really wanted to restore my marriage. But now I feel like it's ok if the marriage can not be restore. I'm ok with the thought that he and I may never be together again. And I can imagine being happy with someone else. I think I've finally just let it go and put it all in God's hands.

I know my WH and the OW are having problems. And I have some satisfaction knowing that their relationship is going sour. I feel in my heart he's gonna want to come back. It's just a matter of time. I'm going on as if he's not coming back. And I'll be ok if he doesn't. And my kids will be ok if he doesn't. We both love our kids and they know that.

We can talk to each other, and he's calling more often but, am not thinking too much of it.

It's all in God's hands. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for listening!

<small>[ July 23, 2003, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: STBXWife ]</small>

STBWife,

If it makes any difference, I want you to know that I'm really proud of how you have grown. I think you are in a position now to really put God #1 in your life and to see Him work wonders.

Bless you as you get closer to Him.

S&C

STBX
It's a big step to finally let go, isn't it? I recently had to do so myself, but I also found the forgiving him made letting go so much easier. The hardest thing was accepting that my family wasn't going to be together like i had always dreamed....that my kids would have to live in two houses spending split time between parents, and I used to think "how can he be so selfish" but then I finally had to realize that that is something HE will have to live with and suffer over. They are so selfish, aren't they? but they are searching for something they probably will never find or they wouldn't have cheated in the first place, so you're probably correct that they will not stay together. A relationship built on lies and deceit can never work out because eventually all those lies begin to unravel, or the offender just starts the lies all over again with somebody else.

It's a small measure of satisfaction, I suppose.

Didn't mean to go on, but I was on a roll.

CH

You're doing good. But I have one question stbxw...Have you really done the plan A and plan B thing yet? Because it sounds like you haven't. And the forgiveness part is good, but he needs to know he can't have his cake anymore. You saying he may come back or may not seems like he's getting his way.

Have you spelled it out for him? WS' thrive on the small bit of contact they have with the BS. Hence, although my xh is prohibited from having any contact with me due to restraining order, he demands to have my new cell number. And new address. And I haven't even moved yet. Plus the papers say that he is to have my home and home number and address and that's it for child custody/visitation issues.

Plan A and B have a definite beginning and ending. And his actions, your wh, are predictable. There probably has NOT been anything done by you to show the guy it's either OW or his family. And there needs to be something done. First you must ask if you did a really, really good plan A. And if you did, then proceed directly to Plan B. The selfish, really selfish ones respond maybe only to plan B. my xh only responds when he "can't have something". And I choose aside from the r.o. to remain in plan B and will do so maybe indefinitely. It is not cruel. When R.O. is lifted, he may contact me only about the child and visitation and nothing else. I do not desire any contact with him as long as he's living wrongly and making poor life choices.

It's a choice of who you want to be around and who you don't want to be around. There is no law that says we have to be around them and if you do miss your xh, his waffling does not need to be enabled in any way. He may really think he can just get you back any ole time and keep eating cake and having the OW feed it to him at her house. He needs to know exactly WHY he should move out instead of just hearing talk that you're done.

If the plan A is done right, then get some help from some of us here and write a plan B letter to him and stick to your guns. You stay strong and show him that you don't want a "friend" calling and getting in your business as he is probably doing. My xh would love that. To keep me as a "friend" and still think that I would want him back and I don't. I don't this way at all and may move so far ahead of him that I'd never take him back ok?

Problems with the WS imho, are related to self gratification and boundary issues. They want things for me me me! and they want gratification now! Thus they live as nobody else exists. And they blur boundaries with OP and spouse. They'd like a bite of wife or Husband cake now and then but for now they'd like to keep on enjoying a big sleazy slice of OW or OM cake. What if the bakery no longer provides free tastes of husband or wife cake to the Wayward? All they'd have is the same old OW or OM cake to eat. Then the OM?OW cake would get old. Then they'd decide thaty this cake isn't that good really. That the cake they had before this one was really of better quality. Think that way.

So take away his bites of wife cake and let him have the OW cake. Plus your cake has for icing some adorable little tiny candles (your kids)that the OW cake just doesn't have. Before you give up and let go, have you truly fought the MB good fight yet?

You can let go and do plan B. Realize that. But your xh needs to see how life will be like when you've really moved one...Might be the only thing to make the guy remove some of the fog and think ok?

My motto: let my xh eat his poopy cake. He can't have any more of my cake anymore. He'd have to change and fire the other bakery. He isn't strong enough to do that and might never be. So meanwhile, this bakery is now beginning to unveil a new secret recipe for Peachy cake and is going to one day in the future (really distant)begin to market it to worthy guys. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi STBX.

Glad to see you posted. I'm amazingly enough been able to stay off the MB site for awhile. I was beginning to think I was addicted.

I'm glad to see that you're reaching some level of peace. I know where you're at right now. I've been working on forgiveness recently and it truly is setting me free and disolving the knot of anger that I've been carrying in my gut for a year.

I know you are holding off on dating but I went on a date with a guy last weekend. First guy I've kissed in over 14 years besides WH. It felt great and did more for me than months of therapy.

Just wanted to say that I'm here. I check in on you from time to time and we'll all be ok in the long run.

DIJ

Hi STBX.

Glad to see you posted. I'm amazingly enough been able to stay off the MB site for awhile. I was beginning to think I was addicted.

I'm glad to see that you're reaching some level of peace. I know where you're at right now. I've been working on forgiveness recently and it truly is setting me free and disolving the knot of anger that I've been carrying in my gut for a year.

I know you are holding off on dating but I went on a date with a guy last weekend. First guy I've kissed in over 14 years besides WH. It felt great and did more for me than months of therapy.

Just wanted to say that I'm here. I check in on you from time to time and we'll all be ok in the long run.

DIJ

Due in Jan.

I am wondering. You've been wounded by your stbx and affair. But yet you haven't filed for divorce and have already gone on a date and kissed some other guy.

This is counter to MB.

Very wierd too. Two wrongs don't make a right. Your kids are little. They deserve one responsible moral parent.

I know what it feels like to wish revenge on x. To want to make them feel what you've felt, but I think that dating right now when you've been emotionally hurt by xh is wrong. That's why I am waiting until I am better healed so I don't in turn hurt anybody else. Plus WWJD? Is this right? I mean you have to really think.

Sometimes dealing with foggy x's can make the BS inhale some of their fog.

STBXW- Good for you - letting go is a great process but just remember when you least expect it - it can come running back at you full force... It takes a long time to get over....
And Peachy - in defense of dueinjan - if she wants to date and she feels good about doing it - then by all means good for her.... And sometimes when you think the world is crashing down around you and all of a sudden another person cares about you - it definately makes you feel 100% better - she didn't say she was marrying the man... And as for her children they are very young and I don't think they would think her Un- moral - anyways - I just didn't want dueinjan to feel bad about what she is doing - I mean her ex did leave her and she is moving on.... So good luck to you all - Sometimes letting go and moving on is the best medicine at all...

Hi guys. To address the dating issue...

The reason I haven't filed for divorce yet is because in our state you have to have been separated a year prior to divorcing if you have children. This will be in September.

I'm not dating to "get back" at my ex or OW. I did it because a nice (unmarried) guy asked me out, made me feel great and seems to think that I'm terrific. The guy I went out with knows my situation, so I'm not being deceptive to him either. I don't think it's wrong to do this at this point in the dissolution of our marriage.

And to use an MB concept...my lovebank for my H is way in the red. He would have to change in so many significant ways for me to want him back now and there is nothing showing me that he is wanting to change at all.

Yes, my kids are very young. But, even so, I'm not going to mix the two worlds (guy and children).

Time and forgiveness led me to some level of peace. God is giving me the ability to forgive my H and I'm so thankful for that. I forgive him and I just don't want to be his wife anymore.

The fact that this guy and I get along is only a good thing. He's causing me a nice distraction as I finalize the completion of our marriage. Believe me, I've focused on it enough over the past year. It just needs to end now.

Sorry to jack your thread STBX. I have a tendancy to do that to you.

Hi Dueinjan,
I think it's great that you've gone out on a date! It must be nice to have that attention that you WH hasn't given you for months now.

I on the other hand, am not ready to do that yet.

I wish I were, but I know deep down inside that I'm not. I need a lot of healing to do just to start dating.

So how was the kiss? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> hehehehe LOL
Does he have a brother? hehehehe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You know I'm at the point that I'm feeling ok knowing that my marriage will soon be over. I know in my heart that I tried. I've accepted it after so many months of fighting it. But life goes on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

STBX -

The kiss(ing) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> was great. It is so nice to know that there are guys out there who think I'm attractive after being treated like dirt during this affair.

I wouldn't rush anything. Do this all on your own pace. There is no hurry. It's just time. I'll be checking up on you.

DIJ

I am glad you both are trying to get on with things...However, just a bit of legalese to remember.

If you are filing and grounds are ADULTERY, please remember what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander in this respect.

What you choose to do could come back to haunt you...I mean, it's one thing to be hurt and torn up after our x's cheat on us, but another thing for us going out while still legally married (courts will see you as either married or divorced btw.). I had to watch it b/c adultery was one of the main areas for me. And if the WS can add fuel to a fire, they will.

For example, I know without a doubt that my x would probably in reality love to dump me off on another guy. But had I cheated on him and dated he would have lost it and smacked down on me so hard legally that it woul've made my head swim.

And in court if it goes to trial, could affect your settlement sufficiently. Also it is just not good to do. I mean, our WS' have already been poor examples to our kids about how to live, how to parent, how to be a marriage partner. And what would the message be from us if we did technically the same thing, albeit separated? Our kids need to see ONE responsible parent at least. '

I am glad I waited and am glad because my wounds are healing emotionally better. You'll still have down days even this far out I can tell you. But my hands and conscience are clean. I will feel 100% justified and know that there's nothing that would prevent my son from ever viewing me with nothing but respect one day in the future. Plus to my God, I know I honored my vows to the end. And for that I am glad. Shows that our words mean something.

Yes, attention is fun. But I would seriously have to ask myself if some guy wanted to get involved with me if I was a single mom, still legally married and only recently separated. I would have to wonder about the morality of the guy. You gotta think about these things. And being a parent is just different when you start dating ok?

I am all for you guys being happy and just want to see you guys either 1)reconcile or 2)divorce with dignity for you and your kids sake.

I've used this time alone to work on me and trust me, it's been worth the wait. Having a clean heart and soul is worth it. Sure if I wanted to, there'd be guys lined up to make me feel better because I was horribly betrayed by my xh. But I have learned this. My worth and feeling good doesn't depend anymore on a man. I can feel just as sexy going out and getting dressed up and meeting my girlfriends out. Plus I notice the guys who notice me. They will be there when I am ready. And until that day, I will just perfect the package.

Just do what's right and what's smart. Plus, stbxw, deep down don't you want to give it everything you've got until you give up totally? You have only recently posted about the kiss thing and not about YOU or you doing a GOOD plan A or plan B with h.

That's what's important.

Ya know, if we can help just one couple to reconcile and get stronger and better, then it's worth it. We have been pulling for you and want to see good steps taken. But even as was in my case when things failed, I have the complete peace knowing that I did EVERYTHING I could do to save my marriage. I didn't LB too much and did a killer plan A and am in possibly an indefinite plan B. But remember, nothing is better to make a wayward go further into the fog than to SEE YOU DO THE SAME THING THEY ARE DOING. CHEATING. It will JUSTIFY THEIR ACTIONS AND SUDDENLY THERE'S NOTHING FOR THEM TO EVER THINK ABOUT. YOU DID IT TOO. PLUS IT MIGHT DRIVE THEM FURTHER BACK INTO THE FOG.

Peachy,

I'm filing "no fault" divorce so there aren't adultery charges on either party. I kissed a guy - no harm done. I haven't slept with him (yet) JUST KIDDING!! Geeez.

I'm not encouraging STBX to go out with anyone. I'm not encouraging you to move on. I was merely expressing a nice event that happened recently to me.

I don't know if my WH knows or cares. This isn't about him anymore. This is about me. It's about picking up my life and seeing where I'm at and moving on with as little anger and hatred as possible. It's not my role to judge my husband or anyone else. Is he "getting off the hook?" Probably. Who cares at this point? Am I supposed to live my life making sure that he pays or am I supposed to move on and care for myself and my children?

My H didn't do this with evil intent. He's immature and insecure and has issues that quite frankly, aren't mine to deal with anymore. He didn't set out to hurt me even though I've been hurt by his actions and so have my children. But I'm secure in the fact that I did as much as I could possibly do and I'm ready to move on.

Peachy,

It wasn't me who went out on the date and kissed another man. But I think Dueinjan has every right to date and kiss other men eventhough she still is legally married.

I believe Dueinjan was certain that she no longer wanted the marriage. She knew this long ago. She probably hasn't felt married for some time now. A marriage is MORE than just having it written on a piece of paper.

I on the otherhand am not ready to date. I know this. And yes deep down in my heart I still wish I could reconcile. I haven't given up hope, I've just left it all in God's hands. I know that I did(still doing) a really good plan A and also did a good plan b, letting him know exactly what it took for us to start working it out.

I've just left it up to God to decide whether he wants the marriage to survive or not.

I'm ok either way. And I've accepted it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />