Sadly after 9 months of trying all the things I learned and read and counseling, had to file D papers today to protect myself and children...Feel a rush of emotions, want to cry but cannot seem to...strange...2inches of paper, $1000.00 and 30 minutes of consultation, and the process to dismantle 21 years of marriage begins...In the wake are memories, dreams, 3 children, laughs, cries, joy, pain, etc...altered forever...I know in my heart a day will come that this is a blip on the screen of life yet it is currently all consuming...The lonliness has hit, the why's the wherefores, the how's and the what if's abound....Why do I feel so guilty????My W says the stress was too unbearable....it was tough and the writing was likely on the wall...she is in search of something....I hope she finds it....I must now choose to fight to win thois battle for the interest of my children and myself...it is hard to know what is truly best when you are struggling to get through the day...Anyway, just rambling and thinking....All comments welcome....

Hi Amazing, sorry to hear your story. While not all M's can be saved in the end if you can say you gave it your best (9months is more then enough time I would think), then I don't think you should feel the least bit guilty.

Try not to dwell on the past and those negative thoughts, it will eat you alive. Instead think of the future and start making plans/goals of what you want to do with your newly acquired "freedom".

I'm fairly close to your situation, not sure if I want to keep trying Plan B or just cut my losses and move on. Each day IS a struggle and thinking about things just holds me back from moving on.

You're thinking right when you think about your children. They are the most importan thing in your life now and they NEED you. They need comforting and someone with sound judgement to let them know things will be ok. Make sure you reassure them everything will be ok.

Amazing---you are in a painful place. I remember back in Sept 2002 when I talked to the lawyer, paid my fee and she wrote up the legal separation. What emotions abound. I kept thinking how could that process change my status from a wife to a women with no family anymore.

What could be causing the guilt? Do you feel you failed your family? Do you think it is your fault that your W is needing something more or different?

Sorry things are coming to an end but forcing solutions can be so unworth it. It truly sucks the life out of you.

Keep letting things out---they stay the right size then.

TW

Really hate to hear that it has come to this. Do what you have to do to take care of your children now. You can look them, yourself, and even WW in the eye knowing that you have done everything to save your M. The time does come when you have to move on. Try not to dwell on the past nine months, take care of yourself, and be secure in the knowledge that you are a good man who did everything he could.
Stay strong.

{{{{{{{{{amazinggrace}}}}}}}}}}

As others have said, you're in a really difficult place. I too spent some time in what I thought was recovery, but it wasn't to be. I tried for 18 months and the extra 9 months only wore me down, didn't recover the marriage. As my therapist said, When one door closes, another one opens, but it's he!! in the hallway!

My friend I DO know exactly how you feel and where you are at right now. It was the toughest thing I ever had to do in my life. Through all the problems I still loved my ex-wife very much. I didn't think I would ever be happy again or ever get over the hurt and pain of infidelity and divorce. BUT, it does get better. I know a lot of people tell you different things to do and everything is so confusing but I did take the advice of taking care of myself and trying to make a better me. Guess what? It's working! I use my emotions to fuel my desire to become a better person. First, I am in the best shape I have ever been in my life. I started to take better care of myself.(Dr. and Dentist checkups and counseling) I can spend more time and focus on my children's needs.(something that I couldn't really do while I was trying to save my marriage. I basically neglected them for months.)
I quit a few unhealthy and annoying habits. (tobacco and biting my nails)

Now, was any of this easy to do. NOPE. Very hard on me. I had to start all over again. I am much happier now than I was four years ago when my life as I knew it hit a brick wall.

You WILL make it and you will feel better about yourself in time. Those guilty feelings are natural and with some time, will fade.
Talking about guilty feelings, I had to tell the love of my life and mother of my children that I would'nt ever be coming back to her. It still bothers me a little but not as much as it did when I first said it.

Keep you chin up, just know that there are other people that have been through this and made it to the other side. Not without a scratch, but alive and happy.

<small>[ July 24, 2003, 08:11 AM: Message edited by: Roughneck ]</small>

Amazinggrace - I was here for months and months and filed while here. My husband was SNL now he is something else. But I gave it my best, but his door was never open, he kept it closed and then his ballistic actions caused him to injure my rotator cuff and still am recovering from torn rotator cuff, and spinal problems.

It does get better. The good people here told me it would get better, but inside I kept saying how can it get better after 24 years of marriage, and all the history, and the kids. You will get better. And sounds like you have done some soul searching. If after the divorce you want to redate your wife, than you can. But for now it is you, and your children.

The kids are going to have a hard time with the divorce. My kids are 17-24 and there has been great amount of turmoil in their minds. My x-husabnd didn't show respect to me, and therefore I am getting the no respect from the kids. Some days are better but other days are not so good. It is the controlling manipulatin angry hsuband actions. My x-husband is a controller. And now I am in group therapy for battered wives, and we are reading a book called 'Why Does He Do That'.

Get yourself into doing things with the kids. Get the kids into counseling. They need it just as much as you do. This will be the hardest thing ever in your life. I lost my dad during my x-husband affair. And my fathers death was easier than the affair. My father I knew loved me dearly when he left this earth to be with God. Can't say that about my x-husband. So get yourself in counseling and the kids.

Sorry that you are here. Talk, and many good people will help here. There are a few here that don't agree with saving marriages, and want to phylosophy. Read, and take what you can from all the writings. Good Luck, and remember God loves you.

Thanks to all for the support...I am in an area I only once heard of...I did go to counseling lastnight and feel much better today....Have to learn to stop the second guessing...I did all I could and my WW confirmed that in her comments to me...It is scary, I am afraid but also real...my concern now is to stop thinking of how my W may feel or think and do what is right for me and the kids...I too along w my WW spent some time trying to fix things to the neglect of the kids....I am looking forward to being more involved with them and focus on support for them and growing myself...My son (10) came to sleep w/ me lastnight...I know he was scared...it felt good and yet broke my heart...he will one day understand and know...My counselor says that my W will wake up one day to regret all of this and likely want to return..she sees it all to often....sadly, I do not see that ....for her sake I hope she gets help and works through all this damage to better herself...Me, I must look forward....Thanks to all and thanks to God...