I can really tell I"ve matured alot in the last year, and since my pre-marriage days. I used to think any relationship, even an unhealthy one, was better than none. Not anymore. However, I could use some advice on a healthy, least painful way to deal with this one.

I"ve been dating a man for a few months....he's wonderful to me. Buys me roses and gifts, fills my car with gas, is fun to be with, enjoys things I do.....so what's the problem? He's very insecure and extremely clingy. He calls twice a day, and leaves messages on the machine like "I don't know where you are....why aren't you home?" He has developed a trend of going to a movie on Friday night and then being too tired to go home....helping around the house all day Saturday and then putting in a movie late enough that he's still here Sunday.....and basically never leaves till I ask him to. Very Firmly. Then he gets sad and does the puppy dog eyes, cuz he loves me so much and can't bear to be away from me. I finally told him that I didn't want to get together more than one night a week. He cried. Today I told him I wanted the weekend to myself and my kids....he's quite upset. The more this goes on, the less I see myself having a future with him. There's other red flags too, several failed marriages, etc.....

I really like the guy, and don't want to hurt him. So how do I convince him I don't want to be his girlfriend anymore?

Annavon - I would just ask him to come over one day a week. And if he gives you the puppy eyes, say I feel this is best. I have kids and my kids are very important to me. He has signs of control, and I sure wouldn't want this man around. Just my opinion. I have lived with a controller for 24 years. And we are divorced, and it is better. I am able to do things around the house without having to worry if husband is going to get upset I got rid of this, painted this, or did this. Now I can do whatever I want. And don't have to hear a word from him.

Annavon, you need to find someone that is not clingy. You are your own self and if you are not home by a certain time, so be it. He doesn't owe you anything. Yes, you could call him on the cell phone. Maybe that would be good. But in the long run, for him to stay late, and then watch a movie together, and not leave till 2 days later. He is spending all his time with you. Is this what you want? Or do you want a man that says, I am glad you are doing things for yourself too?

Keep up the chin, and there is someone out there that is perfect for you. Just so many men that are looking for sex. Look at my x-husband, he lusted for a woman, that used him for sexual fantasies. And my x-husband can't even say that to my face. He fell for a women that uses men and used him as well as the one before for her sexual pleasures and money. But hey, men have one thing on their mind every 2-3 minutes, SEX!!!!

Hon, your kids are your creation. One day there will be this someone special. For now just be happy with your children, and be the best mom you can.

I think it's very important for this person to understand just how clingy they are. We men can go through life never realizing this and repeating the process with a different person. You may do him a favor for future relationships. Maybe find some articles that relate to how he makes you feel so he can have a better understanding.

It's hard when someone you love says they don't want to be around you as much. Try to find a gentle way of letting him down if possible.

Get rid of the guy...I'd tell him what your problem is with him. Frankly, it's the only way he'll learn. You'll hurt him more by dragging this out.

If he doesn't get it, point him to www.askmen.com and have him read some articles by Doc Love. It basically says that the guy keeps the girl's interest level up by staying a challenge.

Hi annavon,
After the marriage you just had, a man who is respectful of boundaries is especially important! Controlling behavior comes in a lot of flavors, and I hope for you to have all that you deserve in a relationship, and more. It sounds to me like he's trying to guilt trip you into spending time with him this weekend. The appropriate response IMHO is for him to respect your decision and back off. You know better than I how to read this guy.

If you've already decided that you don't want to be his girlfriend anymore, I think it would be important to be perfectly clear that you want to break it off, no contact whatsoever anymore. I think anything less would be a mixed signal. I also think it would be a mixed signal if you break up and try to not hurt his feelings at the same time. Really now. If it's gonna hurt, it's gonna hurt! Keep what's right for you higher than his feelings on your priority list. If this guy isn't the right one, then you need to make room in your life for the one who IS right.

Hi Annavon,

Some guys get like this. They feel you pushing away and so hold on tighter and tighter. It's a sign of desperation. He's a space invader - he's invading your space. You're pushing back harder as he pushes in. It's over. Move on. There are more guys out there. Consider him practice and move on. Maybe in a month or two, you'll see him and he'll be more secure and you can date him then.

He gets some style points for helping; he loses some for being clingy. I say you give him a wedgie and send him on his way! ;-) If you really really liked him, you'd be the one with the puppy dog eyes if he had to leave 1 out of the 7 days in your week.

Several years ago after a long term relationship ended, I began hanging out at a local neighborhood bar. I was desperate to meet new people, especially women. I would strike up conversations with many women.

After several years of hanging out at this bar, one night I was talking to a woman there. She told me that I had really changed. She said that I had hit on her several years earlier and came on too strong and bragged alot. She said that now I had the "I don't care if I pick you up or not attitude" and it showed self confidence. We were able to converse without any pressures.

Women don't dig wishy washy insecure cling on dudes.
Women need a real man with self confidence and self worth.

He probably thinks there's this unspoken committment. He is settling in my dear...Hence his staying over until being made to leave and the ritual of late night movie and home.

We girls need romance and real guys. Ones who aren't going to control us.

Don't string him along. Sure we've been hurt really bad and attention is nice, but to me attention from the WRONG guy is worse than no attention at all (where I am now).

So just break it off. Tell him you are at a different place in your life and not wanting a committment thing. Plus he's got failed marriages. Plural right? That's a huge sign besides the controlling.

Jethro will be working on his third marriage soon. Thus, serious signs for any woman with a brain. Can we say Family Values must have had a lobotomy?

Just go and buy Kelly Clarkston's song "Independent Woman" and "Survivor" by Destiny's Child. Get independent again and go it alone and wait for Mr. Right not Mr. Right Now. I had to kiss the ultimate frog until I got this way myself ok?

You can do it. You're a cool chick and I know you're going to be sooooo happy one day and you and the kids deserve nothing but the best. Not a second rate guy with issues.

Uh, I dunno, call me a "Doubting Thomasina," but I see lots of major problems with this relationship.

I'm not picking on ya, Anna, I know you see them too. It just seems like most of the people responding to you do NOT!

Folks, it's not healthy for this guy to come on Friday night, and stay till he's basically kicked out on Sunday. Unhealthy, yes; not dangerous....OK. But more problematic for me is the way he calls and kinda "panics" if he doesn't know your whereabouts every single minute. Smacks of controlling, manipulating, obsessive.

I hope you break this (get rid of him) as quickly as possible! As lonesome heart says, you deserve to have the best.....but I am concerned about this guy's not it!

As peachy said, it's gonna hurt, no matter what. So, you just gotta "do it." asap.

He either has "controlling" issues, or insecurity issues. If it's the latter, fine, he can grow up a little, and be a fine mate. If he has issues with controlling another's behavior, you could be in for a horrible future with him.

Congratulations in recognizing all was not well before you got in too deep!

Good luck on your continued search for someone to spend your future with!

Well Annovan:

I am in the same situation, except I am the clingy guy.

We moved in together and planned to get married. She is a full time student and I work 2nd shift. I come home at 1:00 am snd she gets up at 6:30 am. I used to wake up just enough to tell her and the kids bye in the morning. I would see her for lunch about 2-3 days a week for about an hour and then I would see her the next morning. I gave her money, bought and paid her cell phone bill, helped her buy a car, put gas in it, paid the insurance, and a host of other things. The lease on the apartment was ending and we planned to move. We went out to a club a couple of weekends before moving. The next day she told me she needed space!! I could not figure out why she would need space if we were only together on the weekends and we didn't spend all day together then. I didn't think she was cheating or had met anyone.

So we moved and she got her place and I got mine. We continue to see eachother but I'm not happy. She calls me and tells me she misses me occasionally and it confuses me because she chose for us not to be together. There was nothing I wouldn't do for her because I loved her so much. Now the feelings have been dying inside for her. It's like it doesn't matter if I see her or not but I am always happy to. But I want more.....My entire family is mad at me because I still see her when she calls. I can only see her when she wants to see me. I always want to see her and when she calls I drop everything.

I am glad I read your post because it put my relationship in perspective. I feel that she doesn't want me because i am not really her type of guy, but she wants to keep me around because I am a good person and she would be missing out or the fact that she doesn't want me to be with anyone else.

Now that you've explained your situation I know what the whole relationship is about.

I have to get out while I can. You said you don't know how to tell him that you don't want to be his girlfriend because he is not giving you what you want. Buty just know this. YOU ARE NOT GIVING HIM WHAT HE WANTS OR DESERVES EITHER. You are not happy and neither is he. It would be best if you were to break it off. It would hurt him but you are not the person he needs in his life.

Now I guess I will talk to my friend and tell her the same thing. There is no romance in our relationship. We have sex if she wants to, we go out if she wants to...everything is only if she wants too and that's not what I want anymore.

Thank you for your post and keep them coming!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ July 25, 2003, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: meachymeach ]</small>

OK, slap me with a wet noodle. He calls Thursday and says a movie I really want to see is out. I say no. He calls Friday and offers to take me to his favorite restaurant. I say no, I want the weekend with my kids. He calls again and I mention I have to go to the fabric store to get some supplies for my business.....it's 30 miles away near where he lives. He offers to pick up the stuff and bring it Sunday morning as he'd like to go to church with me. I give in.

However, I told him he has to leave by supper time. And I"m going to use it as an opportunity to very firmly explain to him that I am not interested in a long term relationship. Total no contact is impossible, as we both belong to the same club, with is how we met.

I guess I have to admit to feeling a little guilty, as just last week he gave me a really pretty, somewhat expensive ring. (Not a commitment type thing, just some pretty jewelry he knew I"d like). Should I offer to give it back to him?

<small>[ July 26, 2003, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: Juanita ]</small>

Well, on my 2nd date with this one girl who has a tattoo... I gave her a pack of $0.99 rub on tattoos. Was that an inappropriately expensive gift? GRIN

I'm going to do a huge reality check here...
- There aren't that many red flags with this.
- He likes her. He's trying to "win" her over because he feels her pushing him away. That's not a red flag. That's typical relationship behavior for almost anyone when you like someone more than they like you back.
- There are pros and cons to it. He's nice to you which is a big pro. On the con, he's clingy... but you might be too if you liked him and he was pushing you away right?

LOL. It's all about boundaries. GRIN. You can do it.

.99! you big spender you! Actually, I"d guess the ring was about $50, based on the store it came from and the "hints" he dropped. Altho we've known each other a year, we've only been dating 2 months.

Other red flags:

1st marriage lasted 12 years, 2 kids......ok, no problem there I can see. Not sure why it ended.

2nd marriage: moved in with her 3 months after meeting, married, lasted 2 years, no kids.

3rd relationship: moved in 3 weeks after meeting in bar and going home with her. lasted 3 years.

Has a good job, but never has any money. Drives a $250 truck, got $400 fine last month for not having insurance. Frequent speeding tickets.

I liked it that he had several hobbies ...blacksmithing, indian beadwork, etc. However, since we've been dating, he complains he has "nothing to do" unless he's with me. Doesn't seem to understand that time for my hobbies is important to me. Actually sits next to me and watches me sew!

No male friends, lots of female friends he hangs out in the bar with when I'm not available.

He's 41, now living in an efficiency apartment on main street. Nothing to show for 20 years of working.

Education considerable lower than mine. That's not a cut....but I often have to explain concepts and words I use to him. Would become irritating over the long term.

OK, just convincing myself, lol.

Anna, you so totally deserve someone that can understand the words you use. Blacksmithing and indian bead stuff is cool... how come he doesn't do them with you while you sew...?

I suppose cus he's too busy kissing the back of my neck and playing with my hair? I mean, I love affection, but really!!!

Actually, I've suggested he bring his stuff along, but he says he just wants to "be" with me. I always thought a guy who worships the ground I walk on would be cool. It's not.

How about a guy that's always kissing and raining affection upon your head? LOL. This doesn't sound so bad. You said he STARES at you. That's very different from trying to distract you...

Maybe he's just really really really really in need of some good SF!!! Or, maybe he can read your mind and you are? Look Anna, obviously you guys started out your relationship in a different tone than you're in now. I don't know that I would say it's "unhealthy" or that you need to dump him, but you do need to assert some boundaries and not send him mixed messages.

There's a girl I like who is absolutely HORRIBLE with mixed messages. Before we had even touched, and I mean physical touch as in a handshake or accidental bump, she asked me if we could just be friends... and then became super flirty with me. Moment to moment I can't tell if she wants me to sweep her off her feet and romance her to ecstasy... or adhere to Victorian standards of platonic friendship. I end up compromising with flirting and a vague feeling of confusion whenever I talk with her.

Is it possible that this is happening with you? You say, "Only come over once a week and leave by 4..." and then do things (un)intentionally to egg him on and see if you're just so dang hot that instead of leaving at 4 p.m. he tries to romance you?

Did I say he stares at me? I didn't mean that. Just sits next to me and watches me sew and wants to touch me all the time. I just feel really smothered. Yeah, I like him and I"m attracted to him and in a way really hate to break it off with him. But there's a huge difference between a passionate dating relationship and getting MARRIED. And I just know marriage wouldn't work, so I know I should break it off sooner than later, as it won't get easier.

Mixed messages? I s'pose so. My body says yes, yes and my mind says "but you can't MARRY him!"

OK, I did it. There's a heartbroken man driving home right now, but I feel so much better. I got to realizing how much he was controlling me.... when I wanted to get off the phone after half an hour he'd say "but we just started and I love talking to you". And he'd make me feel so guilty for not being available all weekend.

Suddenly I feel so much freer.

I feel sorry and glad for you and the same time. I'm glad you made the decision that really seems like the right decision. It couldn't have been pleasant and I'm sorry that this guy wasn't the right one for you. I believe the feeling of being freer is a huge sign that you made the right decision. You go girl. Better luck next time.