Stbxh called last night to ask son if he wanted to go to a family function on Friday. I heard son say he didn't know and was it a dress up affair. I got so angry because I am left out when I did nothing wrong. Yes I was asked to go by an invitation but with stbxh going I had to bow out. I am in a true plan b only to keep my sanity in check, seeing him makes me want to kill him.

I guess what upsets me so much is how everyone excepts what happened and moves on, yes they might not like his choices but they except him. I feel like he shouldn't even have the right to breath never have the love of his children. In excepting him I feel like they don't care what he did to me and really the whole family unit. I know in my mind that is how it should be but the RAGE I have is unbelievable.

I guess it's the unfairness of it all. I have to get passed this because I went nuts last night. I was by myself but I screamed and yelled at the top of my lungs that I almost choked. I really scared myself. I cried so hard that this morning my eyes are all puffed up. I want him dead and I wish for it every day. I know this is isn't healthy but I need to know what to do with this awful stage.

I go to individual therapy, group support, started a journal, run and go to a gym. What else can I do to get out of this terrible phase? I'm scared!!! He is just so calm about the whole thing and I feel the complete opposite. So that gets me so mad I want revenge, I want him to suffer. I really do and this is so out of character for me.

I just want to hear that you guys went through this and made it. I'm losing hope for my future everything looks so bleak and I don't care about anything any more. This is a lonely place to be and it is starting to control me.

Whats the point of life when you spend so much time and effort to have a good marriage and have it count for nothing. 27 years are gone with a snap of a finger, it's so unfair. He has another family to take care of and I need to more on but I don't know how. Does the pain ever end? The hurt is unbearable! Help me.

Given all of your resources, since you still harbor this much anger, and understand that it is not healthy for you, have you considered anti-depressants? They can be used to get you through difficult periods, not necessarily for a long time.
I only suggest it, since you are already doing so many things for your own benefit. Talk to you doctor about it. It helps.

Hi lj122,

Wow, I understand how you are feeling. 5 yrs ago, I was feeling the same way. I was so angry
I prayed God would kill him. That is the 1st time I ever prayed like that. Not good!!!
I had to go to psychotherapy and take meds both.

It took about a yr before healing took place. I had to get to a point of forgiveness, and move on, which I finally did, but it took a long time.
I had so much resentment in me, it was actually
killing me not him.

Right now you are at the extreme anger point, and I hope you can get help such as Dr. and
therapy.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Thanks for responding!

I called my Dr. I have an appointment next Wednesday. I was on Anti-depresent for 6 months but got off of them for I felt it couldn't cure a broken heart. I will discuss it with her again and if I have to go back on them so be it. I have to do what ever it takes to get pass this awful feeling. It can be all consuming and what a waste of energy.

I'm letting it get to me and I have to stop. So hard to do I have had many times where I said I will be strong just to fall back in the web. Stbxh has said to me many times to move on and I guess I have to understand that his life is not as rosey as I think.

It just hurts that the one you gave so much to rejects you. He can't handle what he has done so he is a coward. He says "I can't fix this" or "there is to much damage done". I have to agree to a point but he never tried and he took the path of least resistance. COWARD!

He has someone else to put his energies into and I have to find that myself. Not meaning another man but other interest school or joining a runners club. Something! This is so hard because my mind knows what I have to do but my heart just controls me.

He has always been layed back and emotionless. So why do I expect him to me different toward me. I have to realize he just is not capable of dealing with things head on. Thats why he had me, I was the one who directed him. When left to make decision on his own what a mess he makes.

I have to keep thinking positive and know these fellings want last forever. I just wish it would hurry up.

LJ

Anger... is part of this.

I listen to loud music, punch and kick a punching bag, listen to loud music, go for long drives, and listen to loud music, and run... and try to stay active. I've found that generally the more active I am that I'm just too tired to be THAT angry. Sometimes I surprise myself.

Only time is going to heal that. Going forward, you don't want to be an angry bitter shell of a human... but this is part of being human. Embrace it for it is... an opportunity to exercise!!! Oh, I mean, a sign that you're coping with loss and you feel violated.

Hi LJ,

Nope, your feelings won't last forever.
Takes time. If you think of it the way
you have, that he is a miserable mess
anyway, it sometimes helps you to go on.
How could he feel so great about what
he is doing? He can't, and I know it.
I think you will have days of anger relapse,
as I did. One day I would think "Oh good, I
feel great, I'm over this!!!" Only to have a
terribly angry day again the next day. Talk
about drive me crazy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Hi Lj,

When I talk about him, I'm talking about my
Ex, not my current husband.

I'm so glad to hear that this is a phase. I have so much anger for him. Let me give you some insight.

Stbxh has been sober for 15 years but in his drinking day our children were small. I had to move out of our apartment and in with my brother. I went back to school and I was going to leave him. He straightened himself up and we tried to make our marriage work and it did. I had to learn to re-love him it took awhile but I was able to get those sparks back.

Then 10 years ago I was at work and I was looking for something I drop in the back seat of my car and I found a used condom. Stbxh was going to AA and drove someone home and they did it in my car. He said it only happened twice. I was going to leave him again and because he was so convincing that he loved me and the boys who were still small, I decided to work on our marriage again. I had to learn to trust and forgive him, it took awhile but I re-loved him again.

Now we are in the present and he had another affair that produced a child, never told me about it. I had to find out by finding a receipt in his wallet for a childs halloween outfit. He still denied not knowing anything about how he had this in his wallet. COWARD! Finally he just said I have a daughter and she is 18 months old. I thought I was going to die right there.

I guess I am just so.... angry with myself for taking him back all those other times. I feel foolish! So when he might have to work hard to get me back he walks and says "To much damage or I can't fix this". I agree I don't want him back but he never tried. That hurts me, I think he knew he could do things and get away with them. No respect for me or his family.

He loves his daughter and won't give her up which I can understand. But he never let me be part of the decision making. When I found out he had already bonded with this child and said I can't give up so bye. I never said he had to give her up but he never even gave me an option.

So I guess what I'm saying is I feel used and discarded and it hurts me deep to my core. Our relationship has been great and I thought he was happy. He said he loved me then and know and always but he is to ashamed and it would never work between us again. I know he is right but it would have been nice for him to fight a little harded. He just walked away and know he has a small child to love and take up his time. I feel all our dreams were just that dreams.

He doesn't mourn me he says "He just doesn't think about it and keeps busy". He never calls me so that I could hangup on him. He never gave me any satisfaction. He had plenty of time to prepare for this moment. It's all unfair.

Wow Lj,

He sounds like an habitual adulterer. You
definitely have gone through a lot with that man.
More than what the average woman would put up
with and forgive. He's been to AA, and I know many who have including myself. I've been 11
yrs sober. My husband is at a meeting right
now. I don't trust all people there. And
those coming into the program are very vulnerable, especially women to the men.
Sometimes the men take advantage. The problem is
is that many stop the drink, but keep thier
dishonesty, and character defects. Your husband
has a big problem with both. But is that
what you want anyway. It's probably better
he's gone, the resentment would be so much
more. I think the reason he doesn't call is
he knows it's over and in reality, "He's done
to much damage" Please don't feel rejected
because he doesn't even want to try. He
has to live with the guilt of what he has
done the rest of his life, if not forgiven.
Every time he looks at you, the guilt pro-
bably kills him inside. It is totally unfair,
and a shame that he has thrown all those yrs away. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
But I do know, this can be a new start for you.
You deserve the best not what he has done to
you. Don't ever settle for less again. You
are underestimating your worth. You have so
much worth, and deserve so much more. The
years ahead can be the most beautiful and
I pray they will be for you, because you are
worth it. And I hope they are doubly great, to
make up for all this pain and loss that you have gone through.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Dear lj1122,

I haven't been on in awhile, in fact just got back from a trip to Albuquerque...but your post caught my eye.

I,also, was married for 22 years. I devoted my life to my military husband and my kids. I have felt every bit as angry, betrayed and bitter at the person who has done this to me again.

It really takes time...and even now a year after my divorce--seeing the two of them can still make my blood boil. It is not an easy path to follow...but it definitely does get better. I am coming to the realization that it is ok to be angry--you have that right. Eventually, we will be able to move forward, knowing that we did the best we could for our marriages. I am slowly, but surely understanding that he is the one that lost out. Even though I have been hurt financially, and my life has been in an uproar for the last two years--HE is losing out on something that could have been beautiful...and they will have to live with their choices.

I am reading a book now called "The Purpose Driven Life"--and it has some good answers for why some of this stuff happens. It is a good read. Hang in there---You will be in my prayers. Pat

Well the weekend is over and a start of a new week.

Ladysheep - Your words helped me this weekend and I thank you so much for caring about me. Your my angel!!

Miserynmissouri - I thanks for your book suggestion. It made me go out and look for it. I spent about 2 hours at the book store, I bought the one you mentioned plus a few others that might help me.

I thank goodness for this site and all the people that write and read my posts. I would be lost without you all. I don't really respond to many posts for I feel I'm not in the position to help anyone. I hope in the future that will change.

I had an ok weekend, keeping busy is the key. I went out Thursday night to dinner with my brother and sister. I went to dinner on Frday with my niece, I stayed in on Saturday night but shopped all day with son (such sales). I did 4 hours of yardwork on Sunday and then went to movies on Sunday night. Saw Bad Boys II, lots of killing but had some funny moments.

All in all I made it and I will never give up, just like you all said to me "He is not worth it, he lost more than I have in the long run". I just need to keep in control of my anger and not let it control me.

I will keep you posted on my progress. I go to my group tonight and so far it hasn't be the best thing but has not been the worst thing. It has only been 2 times of going so I have to give it more time and I will. I will never give up trying new things to get pasted this awful phase in my life.

Thank you all,
LJ

Hi, lj:

I can echo what others have told you about the anger. I have gotten so angry at times, I literally SCREAM OUT. I mean, I've hurt my vocal chords doing that. One time, unable to talk for half a day. Not good, and I don't do that to myself anymore. But I have acknowledged the pain and hurt, and tried to deal with it that way. I guess what I'm saying is that it's normal to feel hurt, and anger, and want to go PUNCH someone (I mean someTHING <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Second point I want to make is that your H is a lot like mine, in that he's obviously a conflict avoider. By now, I'm sure you are aware that this causes HIM a lot of pain. He is literally unable to deal with/face his own messes, so he ignores them, or runs away - hoping they will just resolve themselves! This one won't. There's now an innocent little child to deal with, your older children to deal with......so I expect long after your anger has subsided, he'll still be stuck in inability mode, trying to figure out how to fix the mess that is his life.

When I think like that, it takes away the anger, and makes me actually FEEL SORRY for my H! He's such a dope, and can't see that there's really an easy solution to making all the pain going away. But he can't see it! So he'll stay stuck in the pain, and maybe even run away from THAT pain one day, and cause even more pain. Take solice in the knowledge that you will have moved on beyond YOUR pain long after he's still experiencing it.

Poor, dumb, shmuck.

OOPS! I was talking there about MY H! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

May God Bless your healing heart,

You haven't found how much better you are with out him yet.
When this happens you will feel empathy.
You will feel so sorry for him you won't be able to be angry at him anymore.
Keeping busy helps.
Have you noticed you spend a lot of time being concerned and informed with his life?
When you can stop blaming him and see how you participated you will gain perspective.
When I did this I found empathy and was able to let go of the anger.
It's hard to look at ourselves and see what we did.
Find your authentic self. Who you are alone.
It wasn't working for you. It was distroying you.
A friend of mine told me to think of ways to "feel sexy." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
It's a small step but it made me realize I had a lot to give and he didn't deserve me.

Aly