Should I give my WW a second chance to rebuild the marriage if she comes and ask me?
She again apolagize to me for hurting me, I took it as another ploy of hers to manipulate me as she had done the previous three times.

She also said that her wanting the attention and that some one else was just feeding it to her, that she was sucked into it and nothing else matters. she misses her kids, our routine and her family.

Is there a chance that we can rebuild the marriage and move on? What are the chances that it will happen again? How am i suppose to gain her trust again? I love my wife and would welcome any opportunity to have our family again, but at what price?

Have you followed the MB steps and principles? Are you in any plan like Plan A or Plan B? Is she still in the fog?

There is always a chance to rebuild any marriage and move on. It takes a lot of work and a good plan.

As is there is always a chance it could happen again (my biggest fear if my WW comes back).

The marriage recovery plan has a good outline for regaining trust. Recovery Plan

The price is high either way ifyou try again or even if you don't try.

There is always a good chance for recovery if there is 100% committment. I would with counseling and working on the MB principles do the stuff and get started now.

You state you love your wife, is she able to say she loves you? If not, that is part of the fogggg....!!!!! Take it slow and easy but do not be a doormat to her. Let her see that you are caring and loving and mean the I LUV YOU, Let her see that you are committed to this marriage. There is always a chance that the marriage will fail. Mine failed, for very good reasons. I was battered by my husband, and I am moving on without him.

Do the emotional needs questionnaire, and see what makes her emotional status work for you. Love was there when you two met, and it can return if both of you are committed to the marriage. And yes it is hard for the kids not to have a family any more. It is hard for the two of you not to do things together anymore.

Good Luck.

Thank you for response

First off, WW says to me that "you never realize what you lost till you loose it", and she repeately said it to me.

Secondly, I know she still loves me, have not said it to me, but did say tell my friend that I was the best guy that ever came into her life and she F**ked it up. I have a feeling that all is not well with OM. Is she coming out of the fog, maybe, I get the feeling that she wants her family back but is to ashamed to say it.

Her dad had an affair when she was a child, ironically, was (8 years old), same age as our son. Her mom took her father back, they decided to relocate and start all over again. For them it worked. If I have to move and start all over again, I will, it is hard to trust, do things like you use to do but I am willing to do it if the situation presents it self. She knows I still love her, she knows that her family regardless of our situation wants me to stay in the family circle. She knows that she made wrong choices.

Then again, OM and her have a spat and I end up as fall back guy, they make up and I am sh*t on again. I am careful now, I don't believe her. If she goes to a counsellor and get medication or something, that in itself to me a good indication that she is willing to make an effort.

Take it one day at a time.

As I read the replies, I see and personnally feel a common theme...Be careful and cautious...I too took my WW back on three occasions only to be betrayed each time...I have been and am still in counseling..My WW refused after 2-3 sessions, would not participate in any reading or plan of action...The last time was my mistake....I took her mainly in the interests of our three children..The first 30 days were great but then back to old ways....I knew in my heart she was in contact w/ OP...sure enough...sadly, things escalated and she got herself arreste and spent a night in jail...She has a NC order and 3rd party visitation w/ children...She is very angry toward me and says this is a sign to end marriage...She is very much in denial...She served me w/ D papers this past Wed..very painfull.....it is the beginning of ending a 21 yr middle class successful christian family....I can not begin to tally the losses and still counting...so what does all this mean...I would insist on counseling, commitment and a plan of action..Get it in writing...there are no guarantees in the end, but is she hedges on these items which you can show have merit from the web site, then from all my reading and counseling, it would likely not work....either way, there will be sacrifices and tough times....By the way, I love my W dearly, but will not let her hurt me any longer and have released her to the lord...I must now focus on ME and 3 CHILDREN...

If she is still in contact or living with the OM the question of whether you will give her a second chance is a moot point. Her words or remorse is not supported by her action. My advice is to not take what she says seriously. Move on and focus on yourself and your children.

YES! You take her back not because of human reasoning but because God's Word says that we are not to divorce. Hosea, in the Bible, loved Gomer even though she committed adultery several times. Each time she came back, he accepted her and loved her and forgave her. It is actually a story showing how God loves us, but we are to love others as He loves us. Of course, we are sinners and won't, but that is our goal. She is your WIFE, the one you made vows to love "til death". She is not dead, so you keep your vows.

Be careful the advice you receive. I don't agree with advice to "move on" and think it is too flippantly given by people who have no idea at all what God's will for you is.

You MUST seek God first. He is the one whose advice you should be seeking. You are going to hear so many different things from people who will say what they think you should do. But, really, has God spoken to them about what YOU should do in your marriage? You really should not even be asking people because, no, God has not spoken to them about what you should do. You need to be in the Word, in prayer, and even fasting and seeking what God wants you to do, not what people here think you should do.

Sorry if that sounds harsh in any way but I don't like the fact that people give advice away that might not be the right advice.

I don't think you should "move on" and I think you should forgive her, even though she has done thigns in the past. Obviously, you do need wisdom but you will find that in God's Word.

You have got to not think like the world. You have got to have the mind of Christ.

I know my advice is contrary to that of others, but in my opinion, God can heal marriages.. even ones with situations of adultery, and I believe it's his will to heal. Too many people move on too quickly though because this is the advice they receive. However, if they didn't move on and had waited, very likely, they might have been reconciled.

Well, I pray God's wisdom for you.

Here are a couple websites if you are interested. They are marriage reconciliation sites. Both couples were divorced for 2 years and in both situations, the husbands had affairs and were just rotten guys. However, the wives loved and forgave anyways, and they've been remarried and restored for years now.

www.restorem.org and www.rejoiceministries.org.

Check them out if you are serious about reconciliation! I hope you are!

God bless!

Read this testimony and be encouraged (it's from the www.restorem.org site):

"The Testimony of How God Restored Our Marriage"

We would like to share the testimony of the restoration of our marriage since the Bible says in Revelation 12:10-11, "Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, who accuses them before our God day and night. And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even to death."

Our marriage was dead but by His shed blood it was made alive. It is our hope and prayer that our testimony will help you or someone you know to overcome the evil one. We give God all the glory for what He has done in our lives.

In January of 1989, I left Erin for another woman. However, the Lord gave Erin the heart and endurance to stand for our marriage. It was during this fiery trial that Erin became a new woman. She studied the Bible concerning marriage and began to apply the principles in her life. Like the three youths who were thrown into the fiery furnace, Erin too became "loosed" of things in her life that had her "bound." She also found herself walking with another, her precious Lord. (See Daniel 3:25.)

Everyone, even the most respected pastors in our city, told Erin that it was hopeless to fight against my desire to leave her and be with another woman. But Erin found in God's Word that "nothing is impossible with God!" (Luke 1:37) It was during this time that she founded Restore Ministries to help those who also wanted their marriages restored. She began by sharing with each of them the Scriptures the Lord had shown her. Soon there were too many women to help individually, so she began to type out the Bible references. Some of the women who came had never held a Bible in their hands, so Erin began to type out entire verses and then make copies to minister to the these hurting and abandoned women.

However, the more she helped other women, the worse her situation became. The fiery furnace was turned up when I divorced Erin in October of 1990. However, the Lord gave Erin the peace she needed to not fight or contest the divorce, but to trust in her Lord. Undaunted, Erin continued to minister to other women by sharing the Word of God. She told the Lord that if He would restore her marriage to the man she loved, me, she would devote her life to helping women in marriage crises. That's when Erin put together a workbook for women - A Wise Woman Builds Her House: By A FOOL Who Tore Hers Down with Her Own Hands.

Our marriage was miraculously restored due, in part, to Erin's obedience to not obtain an attorney. God delivered me when it was discovered that even though the judge had granted the divorce on October 30, the papers that had been filed by my attorney were in error and the divorce had to be overturned. This, to me, was the first sign from God that He would "somehow" deliver me from the cords that had me bound to the adulteress.

Had Erin had an attorney, the divorce would not have been overturned. However, I was unaware that Erin had dreamt of a big wedding from the day the Lord told her that the divorce would go through until the day of God's mighty deliverance (7 weeks and one day after the judge granted the divorce)!

Erin, who had "hoped against all hope" (Rom. 4:18), received her miracle on January 29, 1991 at 11:10 p.m. when I returned home to her and our four children. This was after adultery, and after divorce, just over two years after I had left her.

Thanks all for the opinions, they are quite helpful.

My WW has moved out of OM place and is staying with her brother. I am still a bit skeptical about the whole incident and the how quick it has happened. I told her up front that I don't believe you, as well as her family, they have gone thorugh enough pain as well.

She says that she misses her family and did not have anyone to talk to, the friend who she confided is OM husband good friend. As it turned out she in turn went back and told OM what WW had said about him. Guess everything went sour after that, WW found out that he was preying on another woman, as well as on line chatting with others.

She went to our church pastor the other day and asking for forgiveness, and want to rebuild our marriage. Of course this will take time, God knows we all make mistakes, granted we can forgive but forgetting is another thing. I have already forgiven her. I am not a church going person, but I do believe in marriage and what it stands for, and I have decided to give my WW a second chance, we are going to move to another city and start over again.

Time will only tell, she could be up to something, but life is about taking chances.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by All Alone Again:
<strong>Thanks all for the opinions, they are quite helpful.

I have decided to give my WW a second chance, we are going to move to another city and start over again.

Time will only tell, she could be up to something, but life is about taking chances.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish you the best of luck All Alone. I think relocation is definitely your key phrase here. I can empathize with your WW. I too was the WW...but in the withdrawn sense of the abbreviation. It didn't become the 'Wayward' definition until well after our separation and ultimate divorce.

In two 1/2 months, we will have been divorced for a year. We have not lived together for 20 months. In that time, we both have been liberated in a sense.

I think a lot about free will and consequences. I am engaged to OM (we don't live together) and Ex is also seeing someone quite exclusively. For the most part, Ex and I have very little contact/conversation. e-mail mostly. However, the rare occasions that we do have face to face contact, Volumes are spoken without saying a word and the strong history is palpable.

I would like to have a sit down with him, but I know that will never happen. I believe my ex has forgiven me. However, I think because of the circumstances, he feels he can give himself a free pass for his part in the insidious deterioration of the marriage.

There is just toooooo much sludge to wade through. Shame, pride, embarrassment, family, community gossip, estranged friendships, new circles, old circles, adjustments, independence, self reliance...I could go on and on.

I believe for the most part, I withdrew many years ago because my love bank was depleted. I flipped the switch and couldn't/wouldn't turn it back on. I blame myself for not trying hard enough to work it out. Our divorce was like a snowball effect rolling out of control to where it just couldn't be stopped.

Now, new choices have been made, more lives are at stake for sorrow and pain that needn't be. If I've learned one thing (that the OM is now the beneficiary of), is that commitment is about dignity, integrity and finally keeping one's word. It is only through accepting and bearing responsibility can one be truly free.

As the old adage goes: We've made our bed, now we must lie in it.
NDC

<small>[ August 03, 2003, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: NewDawnComing ]</small>

In reply NDC, I understand what you are saying and I am sorry for what you have gone through, in the same case as my WW, she too made her bed and was going to lay on it. All through this ordeal, we both kept in constant contact with each other, being civil of course and sometimes the ocassional bitterness towards her. We did talk everyday, that was important in the outcome, I may have deposited some positives into her love banks. Rebuilding takes a long time, her dad cheated on her mom once, and they packed up and moved the family to Florida and her parents rebuild and had a great marriage for 25 years until they both past away. The same goes for us, we both want to rebuild, moving and starting a new is the best chance I think of suceeding.

women and men are so different, as I read through the threads, most women have affairs because their spouses neglect their wife needs and affaection. I learned a valuable lesson by that and I told my wife that I will try and improve in that area.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is just toooooo much sludge to wade through. Shame, pride, embarrassment, family, community gossip, estranged friendships, new circles, old circles, adjustments, independence, self reliance...I could go on and on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is true, but I also feel that we are forgiving people and eventually people forgive and move on. It is a chance I am willing to take.

God bless and thank you

Since both of you still have love for each other, it may be wise for the two of you to engage in non-defensive, and respectful dialog. While it's true that she bears 100% of the responsibility for the A(affair), BOTH of you contributed to the bad state of your marriage. Even if ultimately the decision is made to divorce, BOTH of you would still benefit from finding out what were your individual contributions that killed the marriage.