Does anyone remember me? I hope so. I do not really post anymore, however, I read a lot and pray for the posters quite a bit, especially hopeful_person.

Not everything is bad at all; my software business is going well and I am really doing well renovating my house. Here is my problem; I am so lonely most of the time. I have a close circle of friends and am also close with my parish priests, but I am not lonely for 'friends', I am lonely for my ex wife STILL! Why after 2 years am I still missing her? She is a cheater and became very nasty to me over the last 18 months of our marriage, providing little support to me during the last days of my father's life and immediately after.

I just got an email from her wondering how I was and inquiring as to some mail she had sent me. Why does just getting an email put me back nearly at D-Day in my mind?

Any help and prayers would be greatly apprreciated!

Thanks

Not,

I love your new name, I really try to live my life in His will. I just cam back from a retreat in the Big Horns with that being the theme. Awesome experience.

Anyway, I don't think it is that you miss your wife as the person she has become, but what it is you miss is the person she was and the companionship, friendship and intimacy that you had with the person that you loved not the person that she is now. And with her reaching out to you in an e mail, it brought back the fond memories of your time together, what you once had. That's not wrong, hard perhaps!!

A cousin today sent me an e mail entitled The green big dog and in it I found this..........
9. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened!! I am going to use this from here on out when thinking of my xH.

I will say a prayer that these feeling pass for you and you get back on an even keel.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Of course I remember you, vb^H^Hc++_guy^H^H^H^H^H^H^HNot^H^HMWBTWBD.

Be patient with yourself. I don't think two years is a very long time. It wasn't long enough for me to stop missing my ex-wife, even with no communication. Three years hasn't been nearly enough for me to recover from the loneliness - even though I like living alone!

I agree with Dawn that your feelings are rooted in your good memories of what your ex-wife once was and what you had together, which are not overwritten or invalidated by your memories of what she became. And as Dawn said, this may be hard, but it is not wrong or bad. In fact, one of the things I have often said about my own divorce settlement is that I'm the one who got to keep the good memories, and those are certainly worth more than what my ex-wife extorted from me. (My ex-wife can't afford to remember the good times, because her desertion and rebellion demand that she see me as a monster.)

I think the emotional trigger thing is normal too. I still get hit with those triggers - sometimes over the oddest things (and getting an e-mail from your ex is not an odd trigger at all). And although I have found the passage of time to be a palliative, I'm afraid that the most effective relief I have found to date has come from getting interested in another woman (despite her own lack of interest in being anything more than friends with me). While triggers have become more frequent for me, as long-disused feelings and behaviors are brought back into my repertoire (dragging with them old associations), the effects of those triggers on me are now tempered.

I am not suggesting that you go out and find yourself another woman. (Indeed, the classic effects of "unrequited love" are making this a difficult time for me emotionally.) But I am suggesting that as over time you find ways to enrich your life with other activities and relationships, and as you continue seeking after God's will, there will be healing.

Hi, Good to hear from you. I don't post too much either at this time. Glad to hear most things are going well for you.

Our brains are amazing recording devices, everything is recorded and kept literally forever (Kind of like a hardrive on a computer) When something familiar comes up, it triggers the response. It's not just time that helps ease our reactions, it's what are we doing with our time that counts.

I agree with daybreak, you are missing the person that you fell in love with not who she became. I saw on Dr Phil one time, a couple had gotten back together after DV, they were fighting and arguing and having the same old problems. Dr Phil told them to cut the crap. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That they were remembering the way they wanted the other person to be - the memory and not the person they were. Either get it together and work on themselves or their M, or get out.

((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs to you)))))))))))))))

It's not easy and there are days that I really miss WH but I really try to give that to God, and at times screamming at Him cuz I do hurt and am loney. I ask Him to get me though this and to give me peace of mind and show me how I can be of service to him and others. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Blessings,

D.

Yes you are remembered and prayed for every week.

Your name (c++ guy) is still on the prayer list on the Restoration of Marraiges thread. Would you like me to change it to your current screen name?

You feel what you feel because of how much your XW meant to you all those years. Nothing wrong with that. Any contact will probably trigger something.

Blessing to you.

S&C

Thanks for the replies and the prayers, and thanks further for remembering who I was/am. It feels good to be part of a community of like minded people who share many common experiences...

I think that you all are correct in your assessment of my reaction to getting the email from exW. My memory filter is running at full tilt these days. I think that my reaction is also related to the fact that it has just been in the last 48 hrs. that I have been able to get rid of what I think is the last of the 'stuff' of our now ended marriage; pictures, the WEDDING ALBUM, trinkets that had meaning for US but were just bringing back memories of 'better' times, letters and cards and LOADS of stuff from her now deceased parents, that SHE did not want, but with which I could not seem to part...why, for cryin' out loud?!!
All of that triggered memories and feelings I thought were long gone and then to get an email from here broke the dam. Ack, as Bill the Cat used to say.
Thanks, all...I count you as my friends and 'confidants' and S&C, yes, please change my name to NMW....

Thank you and God Bless you,

I remember you, too. And I know how you have really struggled through the death of your marriage.

Like the others, I, too, think that what you are missing is probably not the woman your wife has become but the relationship. And it has dredged up those old feelings. Sort of like picking a scab.

I know one thing that was helpful for me was a ritual in which I released my x from my life. Now, we have 2 children together and I see him so often that it would make you ill - but I released him to the world and to his destiny. It was recommended by my therapist.

Doesn't have to be a religion-based ritual. Doesn't have to be a secular ritual.

I made an effigy of him and put it in a boat I had made - put some trinkets from the marriage, a wedding invitation, some photographs, fabric from my wedding dress, whatever I wanted to include - and wrote him a letter telling him all the pain, all the hurts, how I felt now, what I wished for him. Just got all of it out of my system. Then I took it out to the middle of the river and told the effigy that I was releasing him. He was to leave and I did not want any part of him anymore. And I let him float away. This meant we had to keep the canoe from passing him so that he would leave me rather than follow me down the river. It was very healing.

You might write her a letter and attach it to a balloon and release it into the wind. Or burn it along with any remaining trinkets from the marriage.

Just a question, just thinking here. How long has it been since you prayed for the healing of your heart? Or prayers of thanksgiving for healing that has happened? Sometimes I forget to take care of myself or to take care of myself in that way. It's so much easier to pray for others or to pray when we are in tremendous pain. Periodic maintenance can be hard to remember.

Hang in there. You're making it!

<small>[ July 28, 2003, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

Thanks, very much, cinderella. I have been following your story on these boards for a long time, even if I have only lurking and not posting.

Your idea for a ritual releasing of my exwife is a great idea. I have struggled for two years and continue to struggle and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of all this. I am not sure what sort of ritual I will use; perhaps I will throw the last of the photos into the bay (if I can find any now!).

I wish I could be past all of this pain and loneliness...and to be honest with myself, the pain of it all is greatly diminished from the beginning of the divorce. I am now a Marriage Builders veteran! Seeing new posters wondering what they are going to do or if their spouse will come back is heart wrenching. If I have to be here, I am glad to no longer be a beginner.

I would have been lost without the people on this forum.

Nina, if you read this, know that I am praying for you and God Bless You on your new faith.

Thank you, again, cindy.

Hey there old friend!

I saw your thread and just had to read it and post.

I rarely chat on line any more so I know it seems like we have lost touch but I always wish you well.

Whether you know it or not, I bet you are getting stronger. I would wouldn't be surprised if even though your ex brings back saddness when she contacts you; each time it is easier to bounce back and get back to recovery.

You will find your way back completely! Just keep the faith!

Are you still walking alot? I hope so. I am proud to say that I did around 15 laps of swimming today! WooHooo!!! Exercise makes me feel so much happier and more motivated, it's the depression pill substitute.

Lots of love,

ANNA

Hi NMWBTBD! I remember you! Both as C++Guy and your current one.
Consider it done, my Friend. I'll pray for you.
PS - Drop on by 'The Kingdom Of Caerlon' sometime and hang out with us. We try to have a good time and play some funsie roles.
Harold
(The DJ in 'The Kingdom')

Not My Will, But Thy Will Be Done,

I remember you too. I appreciate your post because I ttoo still beat myself up sometimes for continuing to miss the man who treated me so badly for so long. Although he moved out 2.5 years ago and I've had no contact for over a year (don't even know his phone # or where he lives), at times I still feel miss what might have been (even more compelling than what once was, in my case anyway).

Those triggers do it everytime - and I had several today:

1) discovering a letter my WH left in my computer written over two years ago (!) to a stock brocker authorizing the sale of my stock as well as his own with a space for my signature at the bottom - I didn't sign it so I'm wondering who did?!! (the broker is sending me a copy of the signed letter) and,

(2) His mother was admitted to the hospital by ambulance on Friday after vomiting blood and collapsing at home. She received 3 units of blood, they discovered a bleeding ulcer, and she's now stabilized and ready for discharged, but in the time my WH hasn't had contact with her, her Alzheimer's has progressed to a point where she can't return home. Also his dad's health is so poor that he's unable to care for her any longer. My WH has no idea all this is happening and that's really sad...

When I did my ritual, it did not mean that x would no longer be in my life because my contact with him did not diminish. It was only for me - to enable me to release myself from the emotional power he had. I set him free ceremonially but, in reality, I set MYSELF free emotionally.

I talked to several friends who had been involved in ritual releases. They provided help. One of them gave me the skeleton of the spoken words I used when setting him adrift.

Release her to the world - to her fate - to the life that is before her.

And release yourself to finish healing and to grow and, one day, love again.

Hi, everyone, and thanks again. Going through our old stuff is always going to be a trigger for good memories, but I think that I am through nearly the last of it.

Does it feel to anyone else, at times, that this is not real; that we will wake up, roll over to our spouse and say 'I had the WORST dream' ?

One thing that I am having trouble imagining is having a woman in my life who I will love as much, be as comfortable with, and with whom I will be able to build a life as easily as I did with my exwife. I wish I could see that as readily as I see that good parts of the past and what once was (and, LetsTry) what might have been. Even when I am renovating my home, I am thinking how great it would be if she were here to lend a hand or tell me what she wanted in this or that room. That is not to be.

I was happy being married; I found it comfortable and fun. I found it to be a natural state for me and being single is un-natural and lonely..........before I ramble on, I will go, but thank you all and God Bless you.

Yes, I remember you! I'm glad to hear from you but not in this way. I do think that I have something to add here so:

I have been divorced for a year and a few months.
I still think about her and us and the life that we lived in before the affairs started. I have several reminders of her and one of them is my youngest child. I do hurt and I am lonely too but I know that her and I togther again is not going to happen. That is mainly my decision. I can't go through the pain of another affair. Having her for a little while just to get my heart broken again is not worth the trouble anymore.

I do admit I miss her, I worry about her and I care what happens to her and I hate her behavior but I am trying very hard to let go completely.

I can't move on if I can't let go but am still taking baby steps away from her.

I try at no contact but that is almost impossible because we share three children.

I also feel as you do about wondering if I will ever be that close to another woman again. I guess only time will tell.

You are not alone in your feelings of lonelyness and pain. Just when I think that I'm OK I realize that I am back in the same boat I was in three years ago.

I just try to keep busy, keep in shape, rear my children and let life move on as it will.

I do love the idea that cinderella has though. I think I will try it myself. It sure won't hurt anything!

My regards to you as a fellow survivor! That is what we are. We are now veterans of a terrible ordeal but we made it and it's had to make us stronger. You know what they say, "What don't kill ya just makes you stronger.....

Hey, Roughneck. How are you doing?...I mean besides all this crap from our marriages ending. Are you back in the States?

It is good to know that we are not alone, isn't it(even if the situation s*cks in a big way)?

I am completely surprised by how hard this divorce has hit me. I knew I was inlove with my wife, however, I always told myself that if she ever cheated she was GONE and I would not look back. Well, here I am 2 years after she left and still I am looking back!

Take care and I hope you are doing well...

Hey, Formerly C++ underscore guy!!!:

Of course I remember you!

I like your favorite word, by the way... But I always thought it was spelled "blecch!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I've been told many times that DV will be a whole lot harder than attempted recovery. I have managed 2 avoid DV so far, though I've certainly gotten tired of the "growth process" many times in the past year and a half.

What keeps me going is knowing that avoiding facing my problems is not an option. I have 2 work through them.

I wish you all the best,
-2long

Hey Not My Will, But Thy Will Be Done!!

I remember you too.....

This is so very hard isn't it. I struggle with my feelings everyday and miss what we could have had. There is just so many issues to confront--and so far more problems just seem to keep popping up.

I think it is doubly hard because we share 4 children, and have a ways to go until they are out of the house. Therefore, the situation never goes away. I do ok sometimes--and then crash on other days. Guess that is to be expected. Wish it was different tho.

Take care of yourself... Pat

Hello, 2Long and miserynmissouri: I am very glad to hear from you. I struggle with much of this and wonder if finding new love depends on my getting past this or does getting past this depend on my finding new love?

I really want to know how you are doing tonight. It is a pleasant night, here in the Northeast and I find that my mood is greatly affected, for better and worse, by the weather.

The support I get from here as I ask for it, the very fact that I matter enough to enough people that they would take time to write in help to me is nothing less than miraculous in my eyes.

Harold, if you are reading this, I would like to know how you are doing, too.....

God Bless Us All

Not and others,

Thank-you for sharing how you feel even after 2-3 years. Like you there are many things that are going great, but I do mess companionship and the holding of someone. I have read many posts from most of you, but how do you keep track of all the events going on. I recognize names, but I can&#8217;t keep up, I have a hard time keeping up with the soap in my life.

I want to keep in contact with xWH family but it is still somewhat painful & takes much prayer & strength. However, it is not the (exploding) or cutting pain any more. I am amazed how what would have caused me to react with much emotion in the past, now just somewhat rolls off. I really should just keep busy & soon will be looking back on these last 2 weeks wishing for a couple of quite days.

The judge signed the dv on April Fool&#8217;s day, so in that aspect I am fairly new, but it has been a long hill to climb since the first d-day. There has been just to much unreal behavior from x-WH IL&#8217;s. Some positive, but much that just needs to be prayed about.

I think I have created for me a way to accept xWH&#8217;s family. They are not an x-, but I am *****&#8217;s 1st wife, he may have a #2 or 3, but that isn&#8217;t my problem, I was his first. Same with his brothers & sisters, I&#8217;m their 2nd SIL, both of them are over 10+ years older than xWH. Maybe I am just being a foggy BS. At least now I can stay in a room with his side of the family present without getting all teary eyed. I can feel & see much of the pain in xwH&#8217;s family.

I let a lot just roll off today, but this 2 a.m. post shows you that it was bothersome to me & has rekindle how mad I am about all the hurt he can&#8217;t see. Not just in our two family&#8217;s, but also in the communities that we live in.

I went to xWH house to see MIL while he was out of town. I was given permission. I wanted to get her started on making some xmas gifts for her grandkids. I went okay, but just to much weird stuff & I can only just shake my head at the foggy stuff. To read about the stuff going on would just seem like a great fictional story, but the sad part about it is, it is just so foggy real.

My close friend was upset with me that I asked for visitation rights for our very old dog, which I pick-up today. A decision before winter will need to be made, but it was nice just to have activity around me this evening. I have asked my friend, to walk in the evenings with me, but she has many health problems. I also asked to help her by keeping her sons 1 &#8211;year old dog, but she always declined, because she didn&#8217;t want to bother me. She said if she knew how bad I just wanted some company, she would have given me her dog, for a couple of nights. She feels I should just stay far away from x&#8217;s- whole family.

Well, tonight is probably the last of my lazy summer nights, usually I am to worn out to enjoy the time & just go to bed dead tired.

I guess I just can&#8217;t afford to have to many quiet evenings. I would really like to be sharing thoughts with someone outside, even if it is just a dog. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I think I will treat myself to a bubble bath & try to go back sleep.

Hi, I'm awake too. I just got home from a trip to the emergency room one hour away with a resident in my care home.

I related to Vega's comments about wanting to maintain contact with ex-in-laws despite pain. My STBX-MIL was admitted to an Alzheimer's care unit yesterday after vomiting blood and collapsing at home on Friday. My STBX-FIL is not well himself, and despite the guilt, allowed the hospital to place her at a facility rather than back at home.

I'm feeling sad about the situation, though it may prove to be a blessing for my FIL and SIL who've been caring for her for the past 2 years. Sadly, my STBXH doesn't even know any of this has happened because he has estranged himself from his family. I could try to track him down through his lawyer, but he would probably only cause trouble if he knew.

Also, tomorrow my STBX has a pre-trial hearing on a case of several counts of violating my restraining order over a year ago. If he chooses not to settle, I've already been subpoenaed for the trial, which will take place in 2 weeks.

I still sometimes can't believe how everything got this crazy. My life is actually much saner and calmer now, but how is it that I wasn't able to see what seems so obvious now (my in-laws family dysfunction, the addictions, the lies)?