I want to call and wish him happy anniversary
I want to ask him if he can end it with OW
I want to cry so bad, so hard.
I want to go to his job and wait
I have so much to deal with today.
I should not even be here (at work)
I want to take 100 pills (but I think I’m stronger than that)
I’m sitting at my desk w/ my tissue close by, I can’t stop the tears and I just shouldn’t be here. People come into my office all day. So I’m trying to keep my eyes dry.

I wonder if he feels anything today. I wonder if he remembers
I wonder if he’s wondering how I’m feeling.

God, please don’t let me break down.

Maybe I can say that it’s allergies,
Maybe I can say my cousin died, because my mom said a cousin died, I don’t know them.

I want to tell him that today is the last day that I am going to ask anything about OW and I want to tell him to stop it right now. And I want to tell him this is the last time I will fight for the marriage. I don’t want to stick with my 180 degrees, my God it’s our Anniversary he said that he would love me unconditionally forever - we wrote our vows together-

Today before our family and friends I dedicate my life to you
All my heart, all my mind, all my soul
You are my king/Queen in Good times and bad times
For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health
My love for you is unshakable
and I promise to love you unconditionally Forever
(or something to that effect- Funny, I can’t exactly remember how it went but those are the words give or take a few)

My favorite part is my love for you is unshakable – guess that was a crock of shi$.

I’ve been crying non stop for an hour there’s a lump in my throat and I just don’t know how I am going to make it through the day. And that’s not it. There’s more.

((((((((((MYB)))))))))))

I'm so sorry for your pain! I was where you were on July 20 it was my 23 year. I cried all day, lucky for me it was on a Sunday so I didn't have to be at work.

Can you just leave and get yourself some pampering. Just say your sick and go get a pedicure or even a nice message. Take care of yourself today you should be upset it's very hard day.

Do you have friends and/or family to take you out tonight? Dinner or dancing, even if you don't feel up to it, go, it will get your mind off of it for awhile.

Just reading your post made me cry because I feel the same way we have different cirumstances but the feelings are the same.

Be kind to yourself!!!

LJ

MYB,
I too just past an anniversary, would have also been the 23rd. It was a really hard weekend. I didnt hear from him for 2 weeks after that. He did not forget our anniversary, he never forgot one in 23 years, he just had nothing to say. For me this was a big turning point...I finally got IT...he doesn't care anymore. Things have been easier since then, although I still haven't completely given up.
I am so sorry for your pain, many of us have been there. LJ gave you some good advice, get out of that office if you can, surround yourself with friends / family and find something nice to do for yourself. I know it is a lot easier said than done...but you can do it! And you will feel so much better when you finally do.

Hugs and Prayers

oops

<small>[ July 31, 2003, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: CantLetHimGo ]</small>

A friend of mine who was also left by her h and coincidently has an anniversary coming up- is asking me to go out of town with her this weekend. I want to go, but am kind of scared because we'll be doing bar hopping <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but drinking is so not good for me right now. I'm fine until it settles in and I get so sad. Anyway, I can't go unless h agrees to keep the kids. And he haves to do it at my house. No other way. So I am going to try to ask him about that today. I'll let you guys know how it goes. Thanks for the words I am going to celebrate tonight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

The others had good advice for you. ( I know that the day is now passed) I hope you were able to take them up on it and leave.

Oh my God MYB, I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face from your post. Not only because it's heart wrenching, but because I know EXACTLY how you feel. I know how much it hurts to want to call so badly just to see if the other person is thinking about you. I understand how hard it is to sit in your office and cry at work. I do the same all the time. My H called me on our anniversary to tell me happy anniversary, but the problem with that was that our divorce was final 2 weeks prior, so that only pushed the knife in further. I know at times the pain seems unbearable, I feel it too. People keep telling me that time heals all wounds. I think those people are full of it. There is nothing that heals the wounds caused by another woman. It sounds like you have the desire to do what I still want to do, beg and plead. I wanted to fight for our marriage and work through all the horrible things he did to me, even the A. He told me he didn't love me and that was it. He was no longer willing to try. I don't think he understood the concept of "working" at a marriage. You did not mention if you guys are still "together" or not or if he is willing to fight for the marriage as well, but for your sake, I hope he realizes what he is losing, soon. It is much easier to just back out of a marriage than to fight, so I admire those who choose to fight. As far as your grief, you are not alone. Many others feel the same as you, including me. We all want our WS to wake up and realize the pain and agony that they have caused us. I have finally realized (although not yet fully accepted) that my XH is not going to do this. Although he has been stringing me along for months (telling me he loves me and misses me when it's convenient for him, then telling me that he was wrong and he doesn't feel our R will work), he has never put a full effort in. We went away together this past weekend and we had a really good time together. I thought things went well and on the way home he told me that he does not feel that he and I can be together, he says the "magic" is gone. Not sure what "magic" he is referring to. Claims he loves me but that's not enough? I don't get it. Anyway, sorry to get off on my own pain and sorrow, but please remember we are all here for you, so keep posting.