Ok I got divorced in MARCH (edited again- I said June) and did what everyone says don't do. I met a guy on eharmony and started dating him (everyone would say it was too soon, I know). I thought I would be ok. Well the funny thing is, I think overall I AM ok. He said that he was worried that we were dating too soon and that I would eventually want to go back to ex-WH. Well I decided June 10 I was through and I never looked back (I decided this before I met this new person- he was not a deciding factor on that). I have seen ex only to close on the house and it confirmed that there was really nothing else to be done and that ex-WH still didn't understand all the damage he had done. Well, the new person I am dating, was dating someone before me for about a year and a half. They ended in February. This ex called his dad about 3 weeks ago and talked to him for about 2 hours. This is weird to me. She told his dad that she had been dating someone and that he just wasn't like this new guy I am dating, and that she thinks that maybe this new guy I am dating was the one for her after all. His dad told her he thought it was too late. This girl sounds very manipulative and used to get mad over little things. So then his dad told her he was dating someone. She called him anyway and left a message for him about 2 weeks ago. He told me about it but when I told him to call her if he wanted to he said that he didn't. He said that he really liked me and he knew that relationship was wrong and unhealthy. So we keep on talking and dating. I have met his parents and he has met my dad. These were just accidental meetings- like we went to church so he met my dad there and I went to his triathlon so I met his parents there. Well I made the mistake of emailing him about a week and a half ago and planning some things ahead of time- like asking him to go to a comedy club with friends, to go to dinner with mom, to go to dad's birthday party and to go to a football game. I think this might have been a clingy thing to do. But we have talked a lot before about future things so I didn't know that it would be so bad. He started acting funny and I asked him a week ago yesterday if everything was ok and he said he wasn't sure. He says he still thinks about ex-girlfriend and he wished she hadn't called, but that he didn't want to call her, because he thought it would not accomplish anything. Then he said maybe I should date others to make sure that I really liked him and that maybe we should hang out as friends. He said he didn't think he should date anyone else because maybe he wasn't ready for a relationship like he thought he was. I found this to be a breakup speech and told him nicely that I really don't think being friends is a good idea because I didn't want to continue having feelings for him if he didn't like me romantically. HE said that friends was the wrong term and that he DOES like me romantically but that he is just scared. So I told him I would not call him or email him and he said he didn't want that either!??! So after being totally confused, I just hung up with him. He called me the next day twice, then called Friday twice and asked me out Saturday, then he asked me to come to his house Sunday and I did, then he asked me to go out Monday and Tuesday because I am out of town tonight til Sunday. So we went out 4 nights in a row. I did write him a letter in there and told him I was sorry if I sounded like the girl from How to Lose a Guy in 10 days in my emails, and sounded too clingy, and that I was willing to just have fun and see how things go and this seemed to make him very happy. SO my question is, do you think it is the ex that is bothering him or did I just scare him being clingy or what is the deal?!?! How did we go from being "friends" to going out 4 nights in a row? And then he planned a date for 2 weeks away?!?! Was he really just feeling pressured or do you think this ex will be a problem? He still says he doesn't want to call her. I just feel weird. I don't want to get hurt and I feel like there is a rift there but then when I am with him I have a good time and I like him. Any thoughts? Sorry this is so long.
I just don't really understand the whole dating game- ex-WH and I never really played those games. Instead we had sex way too fast (a week after we started dating) and just got to know each other that way and hang out immediately. We didn't really "court" each other. LOL. Not exactly healthy either.

Edited to add: New guy is just as affectionate with me now as he was before. I eased away some and didn't initiate any affection these past few times but he has just as much and then I reciprocate. Does he just need to be the leader??? Also, I edited at the top too because I was divorced in March, not June. Sorry about that. I am at work and typing fast!!

<small>[ July 31, 2003, 04:24 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

Welcome, adgirl, to the total anarchy of the dating game. The answer to all your questions is
"entropy"; a scientific term meaning total chaos and disorder.

She loves him, you love him, he doesn't know who he loves...somebody out there probably loves you and wonders why you don't love him...

Take it all in stride, girl. You gotta be TOUGH to do this thing. It's tougher than finding a job. It's humiliating. Here's a lovely Email I got from a date who I sort of liked...

"I've been thinking and it seems like you've really got a lot going on and things are pretty up in the air for you right now and I doubt you want to have the extra burden of trying to figure out how much you want to get involved with me - so I think we should probably just decide to be friends. I will be your friend whenever you need or want - and you can call and talk to me about anything any time. But, I really want to be involved in a relationship and I don't see this going anywhere. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to start pursuing other options."

Ha ha, "pursuing other options" ha ha.

Anyway, you can't take any of it too personally. It's consumerism at its finest. "Here's a hot blonde over here, she's worth at least my current mousy girlfriend plus maybe a tall brunette. But she doesn't have a job and she expects me to support her.."

Relax, go with the flow, and don't force it. Love will find you, you can't find it.

LMAO EazyE! "Entropy = Dating"

My reply to all of this "I am not dating, but thank you"

I know, I'm a chicken, you guys are the courageous ones.

Jo

Definitely a weird situation and not an ideal first relationship after a D. I would just be very careful not to get too emotionally involved that if something did go wrong you would end up being hurt and back to where you started after the D.

I think when people start saying they're unsure of what they want etc. that's a starting sign of bad things to come. Especially if they are mentioning Ex's.

Best of luck!

EAZYE,
Thanks for the advice. You crack me up!! I am sorry about that lame email you got. I guess I need to chill but it is hard because I am into the open and honest thing and I forget that dating is a game. I know I can't be TOO honest and I have to play it cool, but geez it sucks.

Eduard,
I have wondered too if it starting out weird like this makes for a bad situation. I guess only time will tell.

I don't understand why if he is thinking about the girl he doesn't call the girl. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

and when do you start meeting each other's needs in dating? All this stuff we learned on MB- does it go out the window when you are dating? Do you use some of it subtly? Do you wait until you meet someone that you say you "love"? how do you distinguish between using the 4 rules like care, time protection and honesty to see if someone is marriage material, and conversely smothering them because you move too fast and you are an open book? In dating you have to be a mystery don't you? So you can't be open and honest then?
So confused--shouldn't dating be easier?

Those are all really great questions, AdGirl. I hope you get answers cuz I'm takin notes for the future.

Honest, we've learned so much here on MB and now we're all prep'd to use the principals, but do we use them in a dating environment? And if no, why not?

Jo

Any thoughts on MB principles being used AT ALL during dating? I realize the M is for marriage but when do we use them to make sure someone is marriage material? Before we get too emotionally attached or do we wait until months into it?
I talked to my 'friend' briefly while out of town - we have been playing phone tag today but he left me a funny message. Who knows!?

shameless bump <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Bump for AdGirl. ^

ok to make this long story short on this thread, when you are dating, when do you use the principles you have learned here, and when do you just chill and have fun? If someone tells you they really really like you but they feel rushed, or they feel like I should date others too to make sure that I really want to be with them, but then they call you daily and they say they like you and don't want you to go away, what does this mean??? Are they just confused because of a previous bad relationship they had?

Ok, I am going to try and explain a little bit of what you can do to draw this guy TOWARD you. Most women just do not understand how to draw a man to them. I challenge you to do what I am advising and I think you will see him pursuing you and suddenly changing his tune.

quote: He said that he was worried that we were dating too soon and that I would eventually want to go back to ex-WH.

Next time he says this, AGREE with him.("yes, maybe we are dating to soon, and I do not know what the future holds, so maybe we should stop dating each other.")

He will then BACKTRACK on his original statement and say that is not what he meant.
________________________________________________

quote:
Well, the new person I am dating, was dating someone before me for about a year and a half. They ended in February. This ex called his dad about 3 weeks ago and talked to him for about 2 hours. This is weird to me. She told his dad that she had been dating someone and that he just wasn't like this new guy I am dating, and that she thinks that maybe this new guy I am dating was the one for her after all. His dad told her he thought it was too late. This girl sounds very manipulative and used to get mad over little things. So then his dad told her he was dating someone. She called him anyway and left a message for him about 2 weeks ago.

She wants him back because HE moved on and is DATING. She is jealous. She wants to see if she still can get him back.(beware about this)

quote:
Well I made the mistake of emailing him about a week and a half ago and planning some things ahead of time- like asking him to go to a comedy club with friends, to go to dinner with mom, to go to dad's birthday party and to go to a football game. I think this might have been a clingy thing to do.

Yes, this was "clingy" and was showing way too much pursuit and revealing way too much early in the dating scene. Stop this behavior. It does not work in any relationship, let alone dating.
____________________________________________

quote:
Then he said maybe I should date others to make sure that I really liked him and that maybe we should hang out as friends.

SAME answer as before... AGREE with him, then he will retreat...( "yes, I have been thinking the same thing, maybe I WILL date others and we should just be friends.")

Then do just what you said... start dating others... he will then pursue you. Let him.
_________________________________________________

quote:
So I told him I would not call him or email him and he said he didn't want that either!??! So after being totally confused, I just hung up with him.

Now, you let him go, and you let him think you were going to move on. (basically you AGREED with him.)

then after you let him go and agreed with him, he then.......

quote:
He called me the next day twice, then called Friday twice and asked me out Saturday, then he asked me to come to his house Sunday and I did, then he asked me to go out Monday and Tuesday because I am out of town tonight til Sunday. So we went out 4 nights in a row.

SEE!!!!! He was pursuing you again because he thought maybe he was losing you, and he wasn't sure. YOUR MISTAKE was that you did not tell him NO once in a while. You are not being mysterious and a challenge. A man NEEDS a challenge, and if you are too easy, then he thinks you may be desperate.(Are you?)
_________________________________________________
quote:
SO my question is, do you think it is the ex that is bothering him or did I just scare him being clingy or what is the deal?!?! How did we go from being "friends" to going out 4 nights in a row? And then he planned a date for 2 weeks away?!?! Was he really just feeling pressured or do you think this ex will be a problem?

Both... He may still have feelings for his ex, but you are acting "needy"(if you weren't, you would be dating others and just taking things as they are with no pressure.)

When you start getting some self confidence and self respect, then you will be looking for a person that is right for you. You are doing the same thing now that you were doing with your ex.
You are obsessing about ONE PERSON.

Most people on here view dating as a BAD thing and put way too much importance on it. Just view it for what it is. Going out with a person of the opposite sex. Just enjoy their company. NO pressure. Let them know you are dating others and that you are just enjoying life. This is when you have the best chance to have them pursue you.
_________________________________________________
quote:
In dating you have to be a mystery don't you

YES, if you want it to move forward and WORK.

So you can't be open and honest then?

You are confusing being open and honest with "spilling your guts about how you FEEL" and wanting to know where "this is heading"..

Just enjoy your time with him. Do not be so available. It won't hurt him if you have other things going on in your life and you tell him you have other plans. As a matter of fact, it will pull him back toward you.

I thought you women knew all of this stuff????

If he likes you he will pursue you when you stay backed off. If he wants to go back to his ex, then no matter what you do, he will go back if he still loves her....

quote:
when do you use the principles you have learned here, and when do you just chill and have fun?

Here are the principles that WORK.

Be happy just the way things are in your life

Enjoy your friends, hobbies and other activities and quit putting so much importance on "a relationship or person.

No pressure or relationship talks. Have fun, keep things light. Be a happy person that is fun to be with.

You are viewing dating as being hard. You are viewing it as a "negative"... You will start feeling better when you start viewing it for what it is. When you just take your time to get to know other people.

It is not our circumstances that make us unhappy, it is our VIEW of them. If you want to change how you feel about something, then change your view.

adagirl - dating, oh my, what a headache. Seems that there is always chaos. Well, I would just be honest, I would back off, and suggest that maybe there should be a set amount of time to see each other. Maybe twice a month. Better than none.

Also, to date, or find someone special after you are divorced only for a short period of time is quite soon. Go with your instincts hon, you seem to know the answer but are afraid to admit the answer.

At least you have realized that your x-wh is not the one for you. That is a step towards a goal. Now you need to work on yourself, and find out what you want in your life.

I am going to do the e-harmony, a friend of mine is helping me. We are going to do this together. I said the same. Is it too early, I said yes. But I will be honest with my statements, and say just a friendship for now. Since I have another man that I talk to now, I would like someone else to talk to. Just to get into the dating scene for the future if it comes up.

My goal right now is not to date. But to get through schoool, and find a good parttime job. I also want to get in physical condition that is healthy.

The dating game, comes natural. You meet the other persons emotional needs. No love busters, no putting the other person down. But be honest and be polite.

Good luck.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Keepmvn4wrd:
Ok, I am going to try and explain a little bit of what you can do to draw this guy TOWARD you. Most women just do not understand how to draw a man to them. I challenge you to do what I am advising and I think you will see him pursuing you and suddenly changing his tune.

FROM ADGIRL:
Keep Mvn4wrd, Thanks for this advice and for taking the time to explain all of this to me, even though I should know by now!

KEEPMVN4WRD:Next time he says this, AGREE with him.("yes, maybe we are dating to soon, and I do not know what the future holds, so maybe we should stop dating each other.")

He will then BACKTRACK on his original statement and say that is not what he meant.

FROM ADGIRL:
I guess I just was afraid to do that. As retarded as that sounds, since what I am doing is obviously not working so well.

KEEPMVN4WRD: She wants him back because HE moved on and is DATING. She is jealous. She wants to see if she still can get him back.(beware about this)

FROM ADGIRL:
So how should I "beware"- what should I be doing about this? Anything besides observing?

KEEPMVNFRD:Yes, this was "clingy" and was showing way too much pursuit and revealing way too much early in the dating scene. Stop this behavior. It does not work in any relationship, let alone dating.

FROM ADGIRL: I have tried doing better, and I think I am. I don't call him anymore, I let him call, and he emailed me one day at work so I emailed him back. Today I did email him again on my own. But no relationship talk, just how my day was going. He usually calls daily though. And in his email to me recently he said I treated him so good that he could not even believe it. So by him saying that, it makes me think he DOES like me?

KEEPMVN4WRD: SAME answer as before... AGREE with him, then he will retreat...( "yes, I have been thinking the same thing, maybe I WILL date others and we should just be friends.")

Then do just what you said... start dating others... he will then pursue you. Let him.

FROM ADGIRL:I guess I was worried that this was too much game playing. But I have a friend who wants to set me up with her husband's friend. Maybe I should go out with him and just see what happens. I haven't been wanting to actively pursue dating but that may be what is needed for me and to just chill and have fun.

KEEPMVN4WRD: Now, you let him go, and you let him think you were going to move on. (basically you AGREED with him.)

then after you let him go and agreed with him, he then.......

quote:
He called me the next day twice, then called Friday twice and asked me out Saturday, then he asked me to come to his house Sunday and I did, then he asked me to go out Monday and Tuesday because I am out of town tonight til Sunday. So we went out 4 nights in a row.

KEEPMVN4WRD: SEE!!!!! He was pursuing you again because he thought maybe he was losing you, and he wasn't sure. YOUR MISTAKE was that you did not tell him NO once in a while. You are not being mysterious and a challenge. A man NEEDS a challenge, and if you are too easy, then he thinks you may be desperate.(Are you?)

ADGIRL: I know I am not desperate, or at least have no reason to be. I am an attractive, healthy, funny and smart woman who is capable of being on her own, or of dating someone and treating them with respect and care. But sometimes I forget all that and think more with my worrywart heart and my mind gets mushy. I think that my marriage/divorce has frightened me more than I thought, and I am taking some of the baggage from that and laying it on someone else. I can't expect this new person to fill the shoes that my ex never did, when we are not even dating exclusively. I guess I am scared to date around or for him to date around because of the fear of being cheated on. I don't want to feel second best like I did with my ex. But again, those rules really don't apply in the dating game do they? I am trying to make dating complicated by thinking about marriage and those principles too much, I think. hmmmm. What do you think of all that rambling? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />


KEEPMVN4WRD:Both... He may still have feelings for his ex, but you are acting "needy"(if you weren't, you would be dating others and just taking things as they are with no pressure.)

When you start getting some self confidence and self respect, then you will be looking for a person that is right for you. You are doing the same thing now that you were doing with your ex.
You are obsessing about ONE PERSON.

ADGIRL: How does that vicious cycle (obsession) stop!! You are totally right on that one.

KEEPMVN4WRD:Most people on here view dating as a BAD thing and put way too much importance on it. Just view it for what it is. Going out with a person of the opposite sex. Just enjoy their company. NO pressure. Let them know you are dating others and that you are just enjoying life. This is when you have the best chance to have them pursue you.

ADGIRL:I thought I wanted to do that. Then I met this person and he talked about how he was ready to date to court to marry and everything that we talked about was in sync, then he started pulling away and it totally confused me. I guess I need to go along with the flow and the change and just deal with it. I knew I wasn't ready to get committed/as in thinking of marriage, right after my divorce. That scares me. But knowing someone would actually feel that way about me still felt good and flattering. Especially someone so compatible with me.]

quote:
In dating you have to be a mystery don't you

YES, if you want it to move forward and WORK.

So you can't be open and honest then?

KEEPMVN4WRD: You are confusing being open and honest with "spilling your guts about how you FEEL" and wanting to know where "this is heading"..

ADGIRL: yes I will admit you have me there too.

KEEPMVN4WRD:Just enjoy your time with him. Do not be so available. It won't hurt him if you have other things going on in your life and you tell him you have other plans. As a matter of fact, it will pull him back toward you.

I thought you women knew all of this stuff????

ADGIRL: We do deep down, but freak out and forget it sometimes. I am pretty active with my friends and my church and my family so being unavailable is not a hard thing to do .

KEEPMVN4WRD:If he likes you he will pursue you when you stay backed off. If he wants to go back to his ex, then no matter what you do, he will go back if he still loves her....

ADGIRL:I know. I don't think he loves her, as in wants to be with her, because he could have called her. But I think those raw emotions or the problems they had are all still there and he hasn't dealt with them much from what I have seen.
quote:
when do you use the principles you have learned here, and when do you just chill and have fun?

KEEPMVN4WRD:Here are the principles that WORK.

Be happy just the way things are in your life

Enjoy your friends, hobbies and other activities and quit putting so much importance on "a relationship or person.

No pressure or relationship talks. Have fun, keep things light. Be a happy person that is fun to be with.

You are viewing dating as being hard. You are viewing it as a "negative"... You will start feeling better when you start viewing it for what it is. When you just take your time to get to know other people.

It is not our circumstances that make us unhappy, it is our VIEW of them. If you want to change how you feel about something, then change your view.

ADGIRL: Dating is just weird for me. I didn't think I would be back in it. And I guess I thought since this guy seemed "magical" at first, that it being hard now means it isn't meant to be. That is perhaps a childlike view. I know I need to change it to a view of, the best will work out for me. Just go with the flow. Thanks so much for all the comments and advice. I really do appreciate it.

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 11:07 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong>adagirl - dating, oh my, what a headache. Seems that there is always chaos. Well, I would just be honest, I would back off, and suggest that maybe there should be a set amount of time to see each other. Maybe twice a month. Better than none.

Also, to date, or find someone special after you are divorced only for a short period of time is quite soon. Go with your instincts hon, you seem to know the answer but are afraid to admit the answer.

At least you have realized that your x-wh is not the one for you. That is a step towards a goal. Now you need to work on yourself, and find out what you want in your life.

I am going to do the e-harmony, a friend of mine is helping me. We are going to do this together. I said the same. Is it too early, I said yes. But I will be honest with my statements, and say just a friendship for now. Since I have another man that I talk to now, I would like someone else to talk to. Just to get into the dating scene for the future if it comes up.

My goal right now is not to date. But to get through schoool, and find a good parttime job. I also want to get in physical condition that is healthy.

The dating game, comes natural. You meet the other persons emotional needs. No love busters, no putting the other person down. But be honest and be polite.

Good luck.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Faith4me,
Thanks also for your post. Right now we see each other 2-3x a week, and talk daily, even if only briefly. I haven't set up any kind of structure or asked him, but he does take classes now on Mon and Wed so that structures us some. And weekends are generally pretty busy for me. I am also going to be leading a Bible study on Tuesdays so that leaves Thurs as the only open day during the week.
I know it is soon for me to be bringing someone into my life wholeheartedly though. I still need time to heal and observe myself and my thoughts/feelings. I do like this person though.
Good luck with eharmony for you. You will have to let me know how it goes. I didn't get any matches for a little while. Interesting I thought.
I have been exercising some too (running, situps) and that has helped me feel better some.
Thanks again for posting.

adgirl-

I hate to post this, cause I don't want to confuse you enve more.

I don't agree with a lot of the advice you've been given here. Although to be fair, this approach seems to be the conventional wisdom. I've heard a lota bout the "pusrue and distance" dynaimc. Personally, I think its BS. If I was dating someone and I sensed a lot of game playing, I would lose interest really fast. But I may be in the minority of guys here.

I don't like trying to figure out why someone is doing what they do. I would rather people do and say things because its how they really feel than to do it to accomplish something or to get a certain reaction out of me. Its just too exhausting trying to figure out the hidden meaning behind everything. Plus I think it leads to a lot of miuuderstandings and miscommunication. Yes, it might seem more "mysterious" and like a game, but personally I'd rather play card games and have more openness in my relationship.

theuglytruth,
Well thanks, you did confuse me even more, but I like knowing that as a man, you don't like the games! I really have a hard time playing the game, and convincing myself to do and say things that I might not necessarily think or say if I was being my true self. After everything I have gone through, I do not want to be obsessed by another man. At the same time, I get more obsessed when it becomes a game to try to figure out. If I could just be real and he could just be real, then I would be calm, cool and collected. I don't need him to want to see me daily or to want to marry me tomorrow (no, i REALLY don't need that)- I just need to know that he enjoys my company, wants to pursue our relationship- however it may be, and appreciates me for who I am. I want to be able to be silly, goofy, smart, emotional (not crazy emotional- just REAL), honest and big hearted- this is who I am. I like doing fun things for someone else and making them feel good and in return making me feel good. I like being genuine and authentic and it is hard to distinguish between dating and having fun, and dating and being real- for me. I know dating IS fun but I also thought dating was about meeting someone you would eventually want to marry. I am not ready to marry now, or anytime soon but I also am not one to date just to date. I have to decide if I should change that philosophy some.
Thanks for posting.

I agree with theuglytruth. Too much of the advice given by Keepmvn4wrd is way too much like game playing to suit me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Keepmvn4wrd:
<strong>Most people on here view dating as a BAD thing and put way too much importance on it. Just view it for what it is. Going out with a person of the opposite sex. Just enjoy their company. NO pressure. Let them know you are dating others and that you are just enjoying life. This is when you have the best chance to have them pursue you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This left me scratching my head. If dating is just spending time with a person of the opposite sex, with no pressure and no strings, then how can you also view it as a strategy to encourage someone to pursue you? If you want that person to pursue you, then you have already moved beyond the here-and-now enjoyment of his or her company to consideration of future possibilities.

In my view, consideration of those future possibilities is appropriate right at the outset of a "relationship". Like it or not, "dating" is a process in which intentions and expectations are often misread or misunderstood or mismatched. The only way to minimize these problems is to think about these things, to communicate them, and to be honest about them.

When I have developed relationships of one sort or another with women, I have tried to be very clear about the nature and level of my interest. I have also tried to make it clear that I wanted to understand and respect her boundaries on the relationship.

Has this approach worked for me? Well...except for my ex-wife (and her family), I have never lost a friend. And my ex-wife's problems had little to do with me. Neither of the two women with whom I "fell in love" over the course of my life were interested in dating (anyone) at the time I developed a serious interest in them. I ended up marrying the first one, and have not regretted doing so despite the eventual results. As for the second...it remains to be seen. I have no idea how that story is going to play out, but this much I think I can say: my friendship with this lady has been rewarding for both of us, and in part that is because we have been open with each other about where we stand, and have not allowed it to get in the way of our desire to be friends. It is a demonstration of mutual respect: I am showing her that I value her as a friend, with no strings attached, and she is showing me that she trusts me to deal with my own feelings.

I believe that the deepening of both relationships was made possible only because of the sense of safety that my honesty and respect created. In the eyes of the world, I probably qualify as a fool, because I have valued these friendships more than I have valued the dream of marriage, and I have thus been willing to invest myself in these relationships despite the frustration I have experienced. But who cares: it's my value system, thank you, and I only have to answer to myself. And God.

Gnome de Plume,
thanks for your response. I value your opinion. From what I am gathering from you, the steps that I am taking so far seem to align with what you are saying. This guy I am seeing has said that he has to deal with some feelings from his past relationship but that he does not want me to go away. Seeing as my d-day anniversary is a year ago tomorrow and my ex-h OC was due yesterday, I don't feel in such a peachy mood myself. However, I really like this person I am seeing, and I am willing to be 'friends' for now to allow him room to breathe and think and allow me time to heal also. As much as I think I would eventually want a future with him, right now what I most care about- truly- is the fun we have and that we enjoy each other's company. I enjoy the fact that we can go out and have a good time and laugh like crazy and enjoy music and really talk (such as tonight, I told him how it had been a rough week and he really asked questions and listened) and we just have a good time and really seem to respect each other. With my ex, we had sex about a week after we started dating (even though I was a virgin before that, unless you want to count the sexual assault that occurred with a 'friend') and we never really got to know each other on that deep level of friendship and respect before we jumped into saying we were in love and we ended up fighting over petty things and being selfish. Whereas with this guy, truly if he is happy, I am happy. I want to be a giver AND a taker. Instead of just take take. So in your opinion, this is good and a healthy way to date? I pray about the 'relationship' or dating or whatever you want to call it and ask God to show me if it is His will for this man to be in my life and if so, in what capacity. I know that if I am actively seeking God's will, he will reveal himself to me and show me the paths to take. IF I am to date others, I feel like God will show me that too and help me to find someone else.

adgirl -

Well, I'm glad some people were able to make some sense of my typo-filled post from above.

From what you've written, I definitely think you're on the right track. You seem to be taking a very sensible, honest, and open approach to this. And if there is a future here, I think this is the way to find it. And no matter what happens, the guy you're seeing is sure to appreciate what you're doing and to think more of you because of it.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who prefers the direct, honest approach rather than the "distance and pursue" thing.