My wife and I have been married for 10 years and were friends for 3 years before that. We have one son (10) and we are both 31. She has recently said that she is not attracted to me. With much trepidation I asked if she was attracted to anyone, she said that others have attracted her (at bars and such). She says she loves me but can't say she is in Love with me. I should add, she lost her job 3 month's ago and has not found anything yet. We started to see a Counselor yesterday that we had used back in 93-94 for her issues of " I don't know if this is what I want" and " I don't hear bells". They diagnosed her as depressed. She was on some Meds for a while and came off them and from that point things had been great, in fact when anyone asked, "I can't be happier" was the response. We are-were both active in the Church. Now though she doesn't go because My whole family is in this church and my Father is one of the Elders. She thinks they hate her because she is hurting me. I have told her this is definitely not the case and my Father has let her know this also. We have not been arguing nor fighting. I am devastated. This is my entire world and it is crumbling. The Counselor said that she has seen this pattern in my W before and that she should go see her doctor and get some antidepressants. My W say's she doesn't want to have to take a pill to Love me, but will do as the Counselor says. Also, my W was the most ticklish person I know...I had not been able to kiss her neck twice in a row EVER, she also wanted to snuggle all the time. After the loss of the job she is no longer ticklish AT ALL and no snuggling. We still kiss but that is all. She doesn't know how a Counselor is going to help this situation (lost attraction). As I write this she is sitting across from me on her computer Playing an online role playing game which she plays constantly at night because it lets her escape. I have asked her to come to bed because my only comfort factor is to have her at least close. Which allows me at least a couple of hours sleep before I wake in terrible anxiety. And this Game (which I bought to take her mind off lost job) has become areal thorn to me, I have to dwell on the marriage and she gets to escaped.......I don't think once a week therapy is enough....I'm Scared!!!

Your wife does sound depressed. I hope that she wll go back on antidepressants, and continue counseling.<P>It is very tough living with someone who has untreated depression. Hang in there--<P>Kathi

I am trying to hang in, thanks..........UPDATE ...She finally got a job today, but I can tell she is still hesitant to see a Doc.<P>

Sounds like depression to me, too. Also, sounds like your wife has a fairly low self-esteem. When things don't go well-she pushes people away. It's kinda like a "If I hurt your first, I won't get hurt". It's hard to explain - but if you truly love this woman just keep re-affirming your love for her. Tell her, show her, and make sure she gets professional help. <BR>Good luck.

First, thank you Mr. Lee for responding to my prayer request. We can certainly all support each other here at MB. I will pray for you and your wife also. I just had a couple of small thoughts reading your post. You may suggest to her St. John's Wort - an herb that is pretty good at fighting depression. SOunds like hers is pretty bad, but it may help a little, and she may be more open to trying that then meds. There's other Herbs for sleeping, energy, etc., that all work quite well. Ginseng and Gingko Biloba give energy and better sense of well-being - she might like that too. Another thought is, I'm sure you are reading the principles here and making extra effort to fulfill her needs of affection and conversation (and the others too). I guess you've offered to play games with her instead of her playing alone? People today are searching for true fellowship - and they think they find it on-line - that's jsut friendships - surface stuff - she needs real interaction with you, friends, and family.<P>Just some thoughts - I'm no expert - but maybe something to think about.... Hang in there! Keep reading and keep posting.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1

Mr Lee<P> I also agree that it sounds as if your wife is depressed. I know how difficult it is to live with someone in that state as my husband was as well. It is also extremely difficult to get them to see a doctor. Perhaps your wifes new job will provide enough motivation and she decides that she doesn't want to feel so bad anymore. Reassure her that antidepressants are not magic pills. They provide a balance so she can make decisions clearly and once her fog starts to lift she will begin to have hope.<BR> I'm in a similar place as you...my H also said he is not attracted to me...and there is no OW. He also told me that if we stayed together he would probably wind up cheating on me...Nice, eh?<BR> I've been reading Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis, and a quote that seems to help a little is to "not believe anything they say, and only half of what they do"<BR>They don't know what they are saying, and if they were in there right state of mind, they might think it sounds as crazy as it does to you.<BR> Keep supporting your wife, she needs you now more than ever, even though she is pulling away. Another great book is called "When someone you love is depressed", can't remember the author, but it helps explain some of the behaviors.<BR> Good luck and keep us posted<BR> Kathy

Thank you All for your support. That quote is good, but hard when you have trusted someone so long. I will stay the course. Please pray for us and Thanks Again.

Mr Lee.<P>Thank you for praying for our marriage. <BR>The one thing in common that I have found on this website is the old excuse "I love you but I'm not in love with you" What a shame that this is all the devil has to use against us. But rest assured that Our God is not a weak God , what is impossible for us is very possible for him.<BR>Lord God we pray to you that you heal this marriage and restore it. May your love live forever in this house. Give Mr.Lee the strength and patience that he needs and understanding to his wife, may she be healed in the name of thy Son Jesus Christ. Amen

This hits close to home. I've been there, and I'm still there. I'd agree with the others that your wife is likely depressed (as is mine). I'd just caution two things: taking a pill isn't sufficient -- it must be combined with counseling. And second, work may help lift her depression, however it provides opportunities for a "I'm not in love with you" spouse to wander afield. Be careful, please ensure your wife gets the counseling (and possibly medication) that she probably needs.<P>Beyond that, I'd have to say that living with a depressed spouse (even one that is "treated"!) is incredibly difficult.<P>Best wishes, and God bless.<BR>