to Lovemyex 29340 thank you for this, it hit me between the eyes
LoveMyEx
Junior Member
Member # 29340

posted August 03, 2003 04:04 AM
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Notguilty and Betrayed Husband,
I replied to another post that you were both writing in and feel compelled to write again.

First of all, Notguilty, you said "perhaps I am in the wrong forum."

Honey, you are in the wrong forum! You should, in fact, not be in any of these forums and neither should Betrayed Husbands. You two should be in your Bibles, in church, and in prayer, not telling people, strangers, each other's faults and sins! This is slander and gossip.

It does not matter that it makes you "feel good" to talk about it. It is obvious to me that no, it does not make you feel good. You are both angry, hurt, bitter, etc... all pretty normal in this situation. I've been there too as I also am divorced (and seeking reconciliation with my husband whom I love dearly).

I already said alot in the other post but I don't think you should be here. I think you are both disobeying God in various ways. You should also not be seeking the advice and input from people but from GOD!! GOD! These people here, as wonderful as they might be, do not know God's will for you. He will show you His will as YOU seek Him in prayer, in the Word, in fasting. But spreading each other's sins like this is wrong.

Do you remember Noah and how he got drunk and naked after the Flood? Well, two of his sons tried to cover up his sin but the other blabbed about it. He cursed the grandchild (Ham) of that blabbermouth son.

Look, you two need to hear this: You are doing that same thing. You are both betraying each other by spreading each other's sins on the internet to people. It is not right and God won't bless it. It will only do more damage.

I just feel you shouldn't be here. I feel that you should be in your Word, in church, and in prayer, and also that you two need to stop any and all affairs, forgive each other, love each other, and restore your marriage!!!! You BOTH need to repent and seek the Lord and start loving each other. Both of you!

Get on your knees and pray and confess your sins to the Lord so that He will have mercy on you and heal you! Stop hurting each other, stop betraying each other's trust... every time you reveal a sin or wrongdoing about each other here, you are betraying each other's trust. You may feel you have a need to share. Go share it with GOD!! And maybe with a very godly pastor who is supportive of your marriage. But beyond that, you need to guard your tongue because the tongue is untamable and the Bible says that when its out of control, it's like a raging fire, and there is a raging fire in here that needs to be put out!

Look, there IS hope for your marriage!! I hear love and sorrow in both your voices. I don't think either of you are happy about the divorce. You both feel hurt, you both feel lied to, you both feel betrayed. You both need to forgive. You both need to show compassion to each other. You both need to respect one another. You both need to ask God to help you and you both need to seek Him.

He can heal your marriage. He can do all things. You both need to be willing. I hope you will be because there is hope for your marriage!

--------------------
With God, ALL things are possible!

Not guilty, you said, "thank you for this, it hit me between the eyes"

Praise the Lord!! I am so thrilled to read that. You know, when I read your (and your husband's) posts here, I just felt that I had to say something and this is why:

I made many stupid and foolish mistakes and did alot of wrong things in both my marriage and during the divorce, things I regret but can't go back and change. I have since learned many things. These are the most important things I've learned: go to God first with all my sorrow and pain (not other people), pray and believe that God can restore my marriage (despite my own doubting heart and what other people say), be in the Word (so I won't act like such an idiot but will obey God! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ), and don't slander my husband or gossip about him or even share his sins, even if they were true. Only God needs to know about them.

Anyways, I do believe there is hope for your marriage, and I don't think it will be easy but I do think it is causing much harm for you two to be posting each other's sins here, etc.

The pain, sorrow, and bitterness of divorce is almost unbearable. It is by far one of the most painful, horrible things in this life. God never intended it.

I encourage both of you to truly seek God, repent, forgive (even the worst of sins... forgive!), and love each other.

There are two websites I also recommend. One is www.restorem.org and the other is www.rejoiceministries.org. They are marriage reconciliation ministries, but I'd encourage you both to go to them and just read the testimonies alone so that you can see the power of God and how even the worst marriages can be healed! Also, it was there that I received admonishment and rebuke (similar to what I gave you) that really spoke to me and helped me see the wrong I was doing.

You know, the Accuser of us all is Satan. He is the one who decieves and accuses. Don't be guilty of allowing him to use you to condemn each other. What I mean is, when you accuse each other, Satan is just having a heyday using your words to condemn and cause greater division.

And here are some verses for you:

"Love your enemies."
"Do good to those who curse you."
"Pray for those who persecute you."
"A kindhearted woman [or man!] earns respect."
"Love covers a multitude of sins."
"Forgive one another as I have forgiven you."

There are so many more, but my lightbulb has gone out and I can't see so I will share more later.

God Bless you! What you have been doing so far has not been working, right? In fact,I bet I'm right in saying things have only gotten worse. I suggest you try another way... the way of trusting the Lord and stilling your hearts. The way of seeking Him and fighting this battle not with anger, gossip, revenge, etc... but with prayer, love, faith, hope, and God's Word! Those are the most powerful weapons you have. Use them!

May God heal and restore your marriage and renew your love for each other!! May He help you forgive and may He humble you and draw you back together. May He do a miracle in your lifes! This is my prayer for you!!

LoveMyEx,

I sure hope to see more of your encouragement around. Everybody, could always use more inspirational messages!!! With all of the endless *positive* results. God does not want us to suffer. We may at times question him, thru troubled times.
God says, ask and ye shall receive.

I'm now asking, again.
If its Gods will, it will be done. Amen
I realized recently i became more of the humanly ways, ways of the flesh. Forgetting about Jesus, and our Father.
I will be asking for his forgiveness, and i do need to repent from my sins!!!
I was lost!!!
I'll just say, i'm now back on Gods path. Thank you God!

Praise God

Thanks Stephen. You know, in my marriage, I was the one who first spoke the words "divorce" (I was a fool!) and I was just awful to my husband. Looking back, Satan deceived me and I fell for his lies hook, line, and sinker. By the time, I was convicted about it all, it was too late and I had embittered my husband and hurt him greatly. He divorced me and yet, I still didn't really learn my lesson for awhile. I still did stupid things like blame him, be angry with him, not listen to his sorrow and hurt, etc.

Finally, I decided I was the one who needed to change. I thank Erin's website (www.restorem.org) for showing me this! I stopped focusing on my husband's sins and I stopped talking about them with others, and instead I began to pray, "Lord, change ME." I read the Word and what God said about marriage, divorce, and remarriage. I also read things by various pastors and Godly men and women (books and internet stuff)... and I shunned any advice or comments that were worldly and not Biblical.

And here I am. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I made a promise to the Lord that if He gave me opportunity, I would help whomever I could to restore their marriage because I believe so strongly that God can heal marriages, even the most broken ones. So that is why I have said what I have said. I truly feel so passionate about marriage and divorce and have come to understand how there is such a spiritual battle going on behind the scenes that we cannot see. The Enemy is NOT our spouses!! The Enemy is Satan! He wants to destroy you, your spouse, your children, and your marriage and divorce is one way he can do that. Yes, God forgives and a person can be forgiven. David was forgiven and restored after he committed adultery. But we should NEVER go into a wrongdoing with that thought, because David also suffered alot of sorrowful consequences.

Anyways, one last thing. Stephen, you said God doesn't want us to suffer, and I need to say that that is not entirely true. People listen... it is a lie to say that "God wants me happy" and to believe that if you are not happy in your marriage, then it's okay to get out. Now if your spouse believes this, well, Satan has deceived them with this lie, and you need to pray that God opens their eyes to the truth. Have compassion for your spouses who have been deceived. You promised to love them 'til death. Love has compassion, even for the most awful of sinners.

Anyways, God does want us to be willing to suffer. In fact, there are verses of Godly people calling it a joy to suffer for the name of Christ. Do you know that by reconciling, you are suffering? You will be told things like that you are "in denial" or that you are stupid, etc.... and you will possibly suffer gossip of others who say, "She's in denial. She needs help" etc. Also, you have to suffer this: loving a spouse who has rejected you. But didn't Jesus suffer for us? He loved us and loves us, even when we not only reject him, but despise him, persecute him, and killed him! He did not retaliate though. He FORGAVE and loved anyways.

Anyways, do not focus on things like being happy. God's ways are not the world's ways. The world says "be happy". God will give you joy and peace as you obey and trust Him.

Be willing to suffer for the sake of doing what is right. Be willing to suffer for the glory of God. You standing for your marriage says to the world that you are keeping your vows, that you trust an Almighty God, and that you believe in marriage as a covenant.

We must be in the Word because if we are not, we are going to be vulnerable to the world's advice (which is basically all the lies from Satan that he's decieved the world with... why? Because he wants to destroy!). If we are not in the Word, we will be weak and vulnerable and we will walk in the flesh doing stupid things.

God bless and trust the Lord!!

LoveMyEx,,
I could read your posts, or should i say messages all day!!!
I truly hope you are making your rounds, from forum to forum, spreading the *word*
God says if a man talks a lot,he will sin.
I realized that i spoke a lot.

I'am a STANDER!!!

I understand your opinions, and beliefs. I have sought Gods help through prayer and scripture. He tells us that we should keep our vows through everything, (we all know the vows.) However the Bible also tells us that there is one and only one reason for divorce, that we may choose to divorce if the spouse is unfaithful. We can choose to stay or not. I made the choice to stay once, staying now through it all over again would kill me. I truly believe God does not expect me to endure it all over again. I did not come to this forum to quarrell with my stbx. I came here for help from others experiencing the pain that I am. I began to communicate also with an old friend,"600 miles away".I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR with her in any way. I even refered her and her husband to this site. I will not feel guilty in any way for having come to the conclusion that I have at this time. I have lived by the scripture and my vows, I have remained faithful, I stayed with it through the first infidelity, I cannot live with it anymore. The lies still continue even now, even when my stbx wants to save our marriage. Please respect all of what the scripture has to say on the subject of marriage, divorce and adultery.

Betrayed Husband (and Notguilty), I posted a reply in the other post where you posted this. I can't remember the name of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God bless both you and Notguilty. May He truly just wrap His arms around you and bring you both the peace and strength you need.

I have not yet seen or heard of one single divorce in which there were two innocent people. Blaming, accusing, and defending ones self are soooooo normal. One person sees the other one as awful, horrible, evil... and the other person sees it the same. I know... been there, done that, unfortunately.

You are both hurting, you have both sinned. I know I can say this because I know from the Bible that not one person is sinless!! As for who did what with whom when, I have NO idea and honestly, don't feel it's even really my business to know. All I know is you both are sinners who are hurting and in need of God's grace and love. Seek Him and let Him heal you. Quiet your hearts before Him. When I was on forums, I found that talking about all, etc. only stirred up my anger and made me more miserable. I also began to feel very convicted about slandering my husband, which I have done in the past. I also began to neglect God through prayer and Bible study. I was sooooooo focused on my hurt and my pain that it consumed me but all my time talking about it all, etc.. did me no good. In the long run, it only hurt me. When I quieted myself through prayer, Bible study, and fasting, I began to hear what God was saying... esp. through my time in the Word. I did go to a marriage site, but not a forum type. One where I could read devotionals and testimonies.

Anyways, from both your posts, I can hear alot of hurt, anger, etc. on both sides, and I just pray that God helps you both through this and touches you both. I truly do. I know the pain of divorce and of hurting a spouse you love.

God bless and be with you both.

Hi Stephen, it's kinda hard to tell with internet communication, if you are being serious or sarcastic. Sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LoveMyEx. if i can, I'd like to reassure you, i wasn't sarcastic, I'm sorry for leaving that impression <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Stephan

Stephan:

I'm sorry, but this is contrary to what my Bible teaches--

--God does not want us to suffer. We may at times question him, thru troubled times. --

Romans 5:3-5

"and not only so but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
and patience, experience, and experience hope:
and hope maketh not ashamed: because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost
which is given unto us.

1st Corinthians 12:26

And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.

also Galatians 6:12
2 Timothy 2:12; 3:12
Hebrews 13:3
1 Peter 2:21, 4:1

Through out the Bible it talks about people who suffer..and explains why we suffer, so that we can
grow in the fruits of the Spirit..Love, Joy, Hope,
Patience--

If you've never felt hopeless and how can you appreciate hope?

If you've never felt sadness how can you appreciate Joy?

If you've never suffered how can you learn patience?

If you've never known turmoil how can you know when you have peace?

We all suffer in different ways..but it's what we do and learn from those times that makes the difference--

do we run from it and never learn how to handle
hurts?

or do we stay and learn to really love someone as they are--flaws and all, and allow them to learn to love us, flaws and all?

No, we don't have to stay in a disrespectful abusive situation..

but if you don't tell them how they are hurting you..how can they begin to make changes??

notguilty, and betrayed husband--

yes, you are both hurting--

but, did you hurt each other on purpose?

Did you wake up one day and say--"I think I'll go and hurt my spouse today?"

I doubt that..

So take some time to think back over your relationship--

when was the first time you felt the other spouse no longer took your feelings and thoughts into consideration?

When was the first time you stopped yourself from telling your spouse how you felt about something because you 'thought' it might hurt their feelings if you were honest?

Go back over all of those things in your marriage
and start being honest with each other..and yourselves..

If you honestly feel that you married not because of love, but for some other reason..be honest about that..and respect that is how your spouse feels right now..

then look at that and say..okay, if that is really how I felt, why couldn't I be honest with this person before we married?

was I afraid they couldn't handle the truth?
was I afraid it would destroy them emotionally
if I was honest about it?

if so--then why do you think they couldn't have handled the honesty? why didn't you respect them enough to be honest?

why didn't you respect yourself a enough to be honest with yourself?

we are all guilty..we all have logs in our eyes..
that prevent us from looking at our own wrongs..
we are all guilty of noticing what others do wrong
before we look at what "we" do wrong...

Look back at those things and not only apologize,
but seek forgiveness from one another..for the hurt you've both caused each other..

And then based on ALL honesty--decide what to do from there..I think once you've both been totally
open and honest with each other, it will bring you
emotionally closer than either of you have ever
imagined..

Hello Thornedrose,
No God doesn't want us to suffer, but if suffering for a time meant that my marriage would be saved, couldn't this be looked at as turning the other cheek? Still forgiving? I know God tells us he hates divorce, so if my suffering, for what ever length of time would prevent a divorce,,,, wouldn't it be worth it? Knowing all along its only a matter of time, yet i never truly thought the time, would result in divorce.
Just like it was asked, does one awake one day saying i think i'll hurt my spouse,,,in a way, maybe we do, w/o actually realizing this. When one starts going thru the accusations, blaming, threatening, and leaving ultimatums, one starts to feel the rejection, and or denials. Ones thoughts become *negative,* and one feels attacked, so w/o realizing it, maybe one is capable of saying i think i will hurt my spouse ,,, when ones negative thoughts begin, one no longer can see the whole picture, we begin to see black and white, one acquires *tunnel vision.* *Automatic* thoughts now are already occuring,,,,even with a simple,, *good morning.*
Maybe my suffering was a means of my faith being tested?
There is a reason for every thing,,,
Can you understand what i mean?
God also tells us let no man seperate what He has joined together, Mathew 19:4 ?
the most important thing to do, is *be still and know that I'am God* Ps. 46:10
I hate divorce, says God of Israel,
So take heed of your spirit,,,Mal. 2:16

I sure hope i'm not coming across as arguing with you,,, just hoping you can understand where i'm at,,,and why.
God Bless,

Stephan:

--No God doesn't want us to suffer--

TR--okay, I will say..your right, God does not 'want' us o suffer, BUT, the fact remains we do suffer and He allows us to suffer to help us see we need Him..

--but if suffering for a time meant that my marriage would be saved, couldn't this be looked at as turning the other cheek?---

TR- Yes, it could be looked at this way, but in turning the other cheek, it requires forgiveness
the bible also tells us that if we are at the alter and remember someone has aught against us (is upset, angry at us) WE are to go to them
and try and make things right...it doesn't say we are to wait for them to come to us..we are to make the first step in reconciliation..

-- Still forgiving? I know God tells us he hates divorce, so if my suffering, for what ever length of time would prevent a divorce,,,, wouldn't it be worth it? ---

TR- Would it strengthen your faith??? You know so many people think divorce is the only thing God hates..He also hates every other sin--and to God they are all the same thing..SIN!! they all cause hurt in our relationships..

Looking in God's mirror at yourself....can you see anything you have done that may have hurt your spouse? anything at all?? Can you see anything that you need to acknowledge and apologize for and change in yourself to make things right in your marriage?? Can you stop looking for a time at what she's done that hurt you..and see what you could have done that also hurt her??

Maybe the suffering in your marriage is God's way of saying to You..HEY, you need to stop looking at her and her mistakes and start looking in the mirror--and see where YOU need to make some changes..

And the accusations and verbal attacks given are from the natural side of man..they come when we are focused on self..and not God's will..and if the thoughts are automatic--then you need to learn to change your thoughts...and yes, learn to turn the other cheek..and find out what the real issues are..and begin to work on those..

example--

You spend most of your time working building a career, and you give all your emotional energy at work--you get home and are tired, you want to sit in front of the tv and relax not be disturbed..

Your wife on the other hand..has also worked all day--but has not been given all she has at work
and comes home and wants to share herself with you

yet, because you are so tired and want to be left alone..she feels neglected..are you really neglecting her? or are you just tired? I say both-
yes, you are tired..because you've given all you have at work..and because you gave everything at work...you neglected to consider spending time with your wife after work..and reserving some energy for that part of your life..

And then after you've regained your energy you want to spend time w/ her..and by then she's already hurt by your not wanting to spend time w/ her..so she's already feeling the bitterness and resentment building..because she felt you rejected her..therefore she reject's your advances later..causing you to feel what she has already been feeling...

Does God want us to suffer that way? No, he doesn't He wants us to have balance in our lives
and He wants us to have priorities..Him, Family,
Work..if those priorities are in order we avoid much self inflicted pain and suffering..

the consequences aren't our families are destroyed
but that we have a loving family..so even though we do suffer, and God may not 'want' us to suffer
we do..because of our own actions and choices..or
the actions and choices of others..whom we have no control over...

but as we go through the suffering..we need to look in God's mirror, and see how much is actually
self-inflicted..and how much is other inflicted..