My 12-y-o daughter is mad at me. x's wife took her shopping. And bought her a pair of knit camoflage pants. Cut Britney/Christina style. Her f said they were okay with him his w has hemmed them up to fit her.

I took one look at them on her body and told her I didn't like how they fit. No problem with the camoflage at this stage. Just don't like the slut look. She acts innocent-as if she doesn't know what I mean. So, I explained that I didn't think the MTV look was a good thing.

She's 12. And has a 15yo body. So, how do you tell the stepmom and the dad that these are in poor tast in your opinion?

As for daughter, I've told her we can try to restore them to the manufacturer's hem and return them or she can keep them but she can not wear them to church or to school.

The child wants/needs back to school clothing but I will not have her going back to school wearing skin-tight hiphuggers. She will be going to a school known for being emotionally tough - only for one year till she can get into one of the most sought after public high schools in the city.

The stepmom has done so well with her own children that she went through two divorces from their dad-both times they went to live with their father. Her d has been through the pierced nose and eyebrow and has an illegitimate child. Not that any of that means she isn't a good person and the daughter's choices are the daughter's choices but, really, this isn't showing me a lot in terms of making good choices.

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<small>[ August 14, 2003, 08:26 AM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

Cinderella - your daughter at this age should not be wearing clothing that is so revealing. She should be using her mind and getting a good educaiton under her.

It would help to get her in counseling. Sounds like she needs to feel good about herself. Clothing does nothing but covers the body. And now adays, covers so very little of the body.

I would set your rules. And keep the rules. Don't go wishy washy, this child is going through her difficult many years to come.

Boundaries are needed greatly at this point. And I would ask for your x-spouse and his spouse to let you do the shopping for your daughter or if he wants to get her shoes, maybe that could be good. Or to get her a coat, or a new book bag. Maybe split the shopping and let you get the dresses, bras, panties, slacks and tops. He can get the socks, shoes, materials for school, book bag, purse, coats, boots etc. This makes it easier also, for you to keep things under control, where she will not get too many clothes. A kid this age doesn't need a lot of clothes.

Keep your boundaries.

Most of the clothes they have sent over for her have gone basically unworn. I tried to explain that I've not pressed her to dress stylishly because I didn't want her to grow up too fast.

The stepmom just doesn't have good taste.

As for counseling, perhaps you haven't followed my posts. Child has had a counselor for several years. These issues are new though. The counselor will get a briefing before the next session, though. You can bet on that.

I support your stand 100%. And I am NOT looking forward to the teenage years. I'm paving the road now by constantly discussing the word 'modest.' Unfortunately, my children's stepmother (old OW) also thinks it is cute to dress them much older than they are. I am doing all I can to keep them kids! Since they apparently watch MTV at their father's, they know all about Britney and Christina, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> so we have discussions about why that isn't appropriate. I hope to keep drumming into their little minds what is in good taste, and serving as a model in my own dressing. Occasionally I will think about wearing something tight or low cut and I remember there are little eyes watching what I do too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As far as how you discuss it with ex, I would just state plainly you would like your daughter to dress age appropriately, and you are sure he will agree with you that you don't want your daughter to grow up too quickly. Who can fight against that! Good luck.
Krista

YUCK!! The man doesn't have the sense he was born with. Neither does his wife.

I guess I'm going to have to draft an email and send it.

Cinderella - OK first off I just want to say that I am not siding with anyone - but I will say I have a 13 year old daughter and a 10 year old daughter - my 13 looks like she is 16 - and all of her and her friends want to wear the little tanks with their bras and boobs hanging out and the hip huggers - totally tight - now I do not agree with but frankly that is all that is out there - but as for school - most schools have a dress code - so they are not allowed to wear shirts that hang down to low - or shorts that are to tight - or thongs - I will tell you I don't understand the thong thing - but alas again that is the thing.. OK the point I am trying to make - I would just say - OK they are nice pants but you know what you aren't allowed to wear them to school because the school has a dress code - and I would appreciate it if you didn't wear them to church - and I wouldn't fight with the ex - maybe just tell them nicely that you appreciate that they are buying her clothes but she is only 12 and needs to dress more appropriately for school.....

just reading and thought of a funny---i have a 14 yr old son. he put up a poster of cristina aguilara wearing nothing but a guitar(the guitar barely covers anything), a very sexy poster. he put this up when he was 12. he got it from dear old dad-my ex-husband. i told him it was innappropriate, and i wanted it down. so his dad told him hide it on the inside of your door where mom wont see it-yeah, he was a rocket scientist!--so son did it and of course i find it again. so i told son he could put it up under one condition. he eagerly awaited the answer---i told him when i looked like that--i am looking pretty good losing weight and working out--he could put it back.

i figured the visual of his mom looking like that would be enough!!! it was, i havent seen that poster since!!!!

I've been dreading this since she was in 3rd grade and the children in her Girl Scout troop were having great fun singing and dancing to some Back Street Boys song with a line about "I don't want to be another victim of your sexuality". I didn't think that was appropriate then and I don't think it is now.

I do appreciate them buying her clothes. School starts next week and my budget is creamed already. I can't afford them right now.

But they might as well not waste their money.

Dont' tell me you can't still buy a pair of Levis or Lee jeans. Those were all she lived in last year. I would love to do it again. I couldn't get her to wear anything else.

The idiot x put cable in her bedroom and got her a tv. DUH!!!!!!!!!

Jane-Elise,

I say...stand your ground! I think it's ridiculous to let a young child dress that way. Especially when going out in public. It just gives the wrong impression. And it's not age appropriate. I know you can find things that are trendy for her but still somewhat modest.

One of the major reasons I'm glad I have all boys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Nikko - that's an idea. Get a pair of similar pants and a not-long-enough shirt and get ready to head out. And just see what she says. Or meet them at the door dressed that way when their dad brings them home. (He hasn't figured out that they can walk from the car to the front door without him.) And if the dad reacts ask him whether it is more appropriate for me to dress that way or for her to dress that way - or if they are both inappropriate.

Or - show up at door when he and his w are both there - dropping off or picking up children and just wait till they look at me like I'm crazy and then explain that I don't care for d being clothed this way.

OK - School started this week.

Yesterday she showed up for breakfast in the shirt that goes with the prohibited pants (I have not yet returned them to her father). She also had on her jeans. She looked fine.

I got up from the table and walked to the microwave. When I turned to go back to the table, I saw something hanging out of the bottom of her jeans leg. I pulled up the hem of her jeans and saw the prohibited pants. I ordered her to her room to change and to give the pants to me.

I have told her there will be consequences. But I have not told her what they will be.

I am clueless. This is one of my weaker areas. Deciding what are appropriate consequences.

The punishment is not about the pants it is about the deception. It needs to fit the crime - deception.

All I can think of right now is prohibiting her from going to a picnic Sunday where she can pet some horses she knows and loves. But I don't think that is enough.

Yesterday she told me her homework was finished before bedtime. Today she told me she hadn't finished her spelling. For that one I think I am taking away her computer time for a week.

Cinderella - first things - Calm Down - I don't know if I would call it so much of a deception - than of a normal teenage thing.... I am sure you can recall a few times when you wanted to wear something so bad that you snuck behind your mothers back.. I don't think she did it deceive you - And as for the homework - I would considering it is the first day or the first week - calmly sit her down and go over her homework with her - or have her get a daily planner and have her write down what the homework is for that day - and have her teacher initial it - That is what is done in my daughters school - they are provided - daily planners and you can keep in touch with the teachers easier that way - and they are usually pretty accommodating because they want the student to do his/her work... I think if you jump to the harsh punishment - then you might just get bad results and start off the school year on the wrong foot... This is just my opinion but I say sit her down and calmly say ok you are 12 - in seventh or sixth grade - school is harder and much more important - and see what happens... Good Luck - we don't start school until September 2 - but we actually have a homework hotline - so the parents and or the students can listen at night from home... Cool huh???

Cinderella,

I understand what your talking about..I have a teen and a pre-teen daughter..

their dad takes them shopping for clothes when they are with him and doesn't watch what they pick out..they said he just takes them to the store and lets them pick out whatever they want..and he pays for it..doesn't check to see if it fits or whatever..so my youngest was coming home with some pretty unappropriate clothes for her age..

So something I started when I would take them shopping is give them a certain amount of money to spend..like $30, and say..this is all the money you get to spend on clothes and anything you have left you can keep to do other things..so pick wisely..

and I would ask--do you want to have only 1 outfit, or do you want more? a pair of those short cut jeans my youngest daughter likes run about $25, so that would take more than half her money..which led her to look at the more modest less expensive clothes--and sale items..she was able to buy two outfits for the price of one..and still have money left --this is something they have taken with them when they shop with their father..and now bring home more clothes--than they otherwise would have..and I no longer struggle with her getting the more revealing clothes..

this also has other benefits..when they see a sale
they see it's 30% off so how much is 30% off of whatever? and, they have to use their math skills to figure out how much it will actually cost them

as far as e-mailing your ex--you could say something to the effect

that you really appreciate them taking your daughter shopping for new clothes, but your concerned some of the clothes won't be acceptable to wear to school, as they have a dress code..and you would hate to see her sent home because of that..

as far as the punishment goes..for deception..
thats a toughy...explain that because of this you no can longer trust her..and she will have to re-earn that trust..with that she will lose certain priviledges..because if you can't trust her in this area..how can you trust her in other areas??

example..

if she asks to go to a friends house..tell her she'll have to call home every half hour or so to check in, as her deception has caused you not to trust her to be where she says she'll be--

or computer time--you'll have to check on her chat's more often--and check where she's been online--

I've done this with my kids..and it hurts them more knowing I can't trust them..and that it effects more than just one area of their life
it's not just mom doesn't trust me to wear appropriate clothes..but she doesn't trust me to go to my friends anymore either..she doesn't trust
me when I tell her I did my homework--she doesn't trust me to go to the movie I said I was going to see..

So it's not necessarily a matter of taking things away..but it's also a matter of them having to rebuild the trust that was broken..

So choose wisely the punishment..I think making her re-earn the trust..like for the homework--
you could let her know that because she lied about that..she has to show you her assignments everyday for you to sign or initial..so you will know it's done..to help rebuild the trust..

That may have more of an impact because she's wanting to be treated with respect..and can help her learn how her deception was disrespectful to you..

Something else I would like to add..about the homework thing..

I struggled with this with my oldest..not doing her homework..I finally stepped back and stopped harping about it..to let her face the natural consequences of her actions...I had repeatedly
told her it would catch up with her, one day she would get a teacher who would fail her, she didn't beleive me..

well..in 7th grade..she had two such teachers..in English and History..they both failed her..they recommended summer school I said Nope..I'm not taking her..she didn't want to do the work this year, why should I drive her to school over the summer?? She repeated the 7th grade the following year..I explained it was her fault she failed, not mine, because she didn't do the work..and I wasn't going to suffer the consequences of her actions by having to take off from work to make sure she was at school and to pick her up..

she suffered the natural consequences of her actions..all her grade school friends went on to high school last year and she was still in Jr. High..it turned her around..and she's been A-B honor roll ever since..she makes sure she does all of her homework

Something else she learned the hard way..is if your given a group assignment..and you do all the work...just so you know you'll get a passing grade
everyone else will soon expect you to always do the work and they won't do anything..and still
get the good grade..she complained to her teacher about how this was unfair..so the teacher explained had she only done her part she would have gotten the A, and the other person would've gotten an F, but because she did the entire project, they all got a passing grade..

so, this past year..when given a group project and everyone was asking her how the assignment was coming along..she was like.."I'm done with what was assigned me..how much of your part have you finished??" she said their eyes got really big and were like..umm..none, you always do all of it..she was like..sorry, but I'm not doing that anymore...so I suggest you get busy..as the project is due tomorrow..

So you can allow her to learn from the natural consequences by not pushing the homework issue..
let her know, she knows what her assignments are
you don't..

Wow Thorned Rose - I am in total admiration of you - I mean good for you - you actually let her stay back - I know I would have caved - but you have taught her a valuable lesson and it sounds like she has totally learned from it and is passing it along to other people... Good for you .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cindy, my sweet,
I hear you loud and clear. My situation is similiar yet differnt.

My h and I have custody of all his kids, including a 6 yr old girl. Her mom has absolutely NO taste or discrimination as far as clothing for this child. I have been batteling the clothes thing since the child was 3.5.

Oh the things she has sent her home in. When SD was barely 5, skin tight hip huggers w/ that dirty look, low slung gaudy belt, and to top that off, barely a top at all. IT WAS SEE THRU! Leopard print, see thru, over her belly button, and she had makeup on. She is 5!!!!! Mom had taken SD to get her Xmas pictires dressed like this!

And then, while she was still 5, there were the HEELED, clunky buckled, zippered biker-b*tch-wanna-be boots w/ a long black skin tight slit up above her knees, skirt! What is w/ that?!?!

Then, when she was 4, there was the fake pink leather skin tight, hip-hugger pants w/ the very long haired fake fur jacket that barely made her hips, this was pink too.

AAAAARGH!!!!!!

There is so much more, but....

They are all in the top of her closet, hidden. I will not send them backover because I do not want SD dressed like a sl*t while she is at her mom's.
I have seen pics from SD's weekends at her mom's and they are scary!

I just pray alot. And continue to buy her clothes that are appropriate.

xo
Hypatia

Maw64,

I did this after..I read the book Boundaries..
which I read when she was in 6th drade..

It was actually funny..one of her teachers called to discuss a project she hadn't finished, saying he was going to give her another few days to finish up..It hit me like a ton of bricks about the consequences..and asked to speak to her..he put her on the phone and we discussed said project
first, she lied to him..saying she didn't have everything she needed to complete the assignment..
when in fact the day she found out about the project we went out and bought everything she needed..and I called her on this..

I told the teacher it was ultimately up to him..but in my opinion she should get an F--she was there every day, had everything she needed --and refused to do it..I asked how many other students turned in on time, and what it would teach them..they would learn it's okay not to turn in assignments on time and they can still pass..he thought about it..and agreed I was right,
but because he had already talked to other parents and agreed to give a few other students the opportunity to turn the assignment in late..
with a percentage taken off the grade for every day late..so he did the same for her..

Now, a few years later..he still remembers that lesson..and only excepts late assignments based on each individual's circumstances..(my youngest daughter has him this year)

maw64,

that's a very nice approach for a normal kid, but how about one that CONSTANTLY tries to be deceptive and CONSTANTLY tries to push the limits, even after you have had that talk before.

I believe Cinderella has had that talk with her daughter before, as she has mentioned on here along time ago, after an experience at her church. . .

so lets suppose that you have that talk and it makes no difference, then what is your suggestion?

wiftty

She's a smart child. She is a kind child. She's very likable. She's wonderful. But, she has a track record with her father and me of not being truthful.

I have caught her with my possessions and she is not allowed in my room without my permission as the result. Things stored in drawers are found in her backpack. My mother's moisturizer was found in her backpack. My cd's have been found in her cd keeper.

I don't trust her to be forthright and honest.

And as for last night's spelling, She had told me it was all done and she asked to check her email. I let her do so. This morning she said she hadn't had time to do the spelling. That's why the punishment for not doing the homework is the loss of all computer time not required for school assignments.

--------------

What do you folks think of my sending her an e-mail telling her I am upset about the deceptive dressing and copying both her father and her stepmother with the letter. I would say that I have told her earlier the clothing was not appropriate. That she could not wear it to school or church. That she had intentionally attempted to deceive me. That I felt I could not trust her and that I wanted us to work to rebuild the trust. That the stepmother could try to exchange the pants or they could stay at the fathers but they could not return to my home. (NO! I NEVER DID ANYTHING LIKE THAT! I KNEW BETTER!!)

Thorned Rose - Wow I will have to look for that book-- And Wifty - I am not sure what to do after you have that talk and it doesn't work then maybe Cinderella's approach is the right one... It just struck me as getting off to the a bad start in a new school year... But Cinderella you are the only one that knows your child - some children are very well disciplined and some are not - they need stricter guidelines - I have one of both - - Sorry I didn't mean to offend anyone...