I don't know where to begin, but I'll start by saying I really want to save my marriage. We've been married 10 years and during the past 2 years I have had 2 affairs. This is about my fifth attempt at writing this. My husband doesn't know of the affairs. I haven't wanted to hurt him. I thought I would leave him, but we have a beautiful child and I can't walk out on her. We've been through marriage counseling. I've been seeing someone individually who has told me to leave him. I guess my question is can we move forward and fix our marriage, if I harbor my secrets? We have a tremendous amount of work and I'm not sure we can move forward unless I confess. I've simplified a complex situation. What should I do?

You state that you've been seeing someone individually and they tell you to leave him, I'm assumming you're talking about a counselor here? If so, what are their reasons for telling you to leave him? I personally don't feel it is the place of any counselor to tell you to leave your marriage unless there is physical abuse and you're well being is in danger. I would recommend another counselor.<BR>You may be right in that you may not be able to move on in your marriage while you keep secrets but it's definetely not for me to tell you that you should fess up. I would say that if you don't tell you'll probably deal with guilt that will interfer with rebuilding your marriage and if you do tell you clear your conscience, hurt your H but can go from there rebuilding your marriage openly.<BR>I will say, that if it was me I would probably tell and I don't think there's an easy way to do that, no sugar coating that one.<BR>You search your soul and you'll come up with the right answer for you. I'm sure it's pretty scarey and I truely wish you the best no matter which way you choose to go.

<BR>Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

I love your member name! It sounds like you want to put your marriage back together. If a marriage counselor is telling you to leave, run and find someone else who is willing to help you resolve issues with your marriage. What happen when both you and your husband went to counseling? Why did it stop? What needs are not being meet in the marriage that you are having to sought outside? Had you been faithful prior to the last 2 years? I think after finding a good counselor, then I would confess and found out if he is willing to save the marriage. There are consequences, and he may up and leave. You have to decide what all you can handle if he decides to walk out. As a personal standpoint, I know it would eat me up to keep this bottled up. I guess all you can do is weigh you options, and go from there.

I am on the other side of the coin. My H had a PA with my former best friend almost 6 years ago. He lied about it and lied about it that whole time. We've been separated, been thru counseling twice, etc. I told him I had to know the truth and he looked me right in the eye and said "I have never been with another woman."<P>Well 2 weeks ago I found out the truth. Let me tell you, it is just as hard going through this again as it would have been then. I hate the deception and feel like the gains we made in the last 5 years have all been a big lie. The lying hurts just as much as the A.<P>I realize everyone is different. Some people say they would not want to know. I guess you have to decide. Is it better to live a lie or risk telling the truth and hurting him? I personally had to know. I just wish I'd known then as it put me at risk for stds. Very hard to face after that much time. If there is any chance you may have given him something, please have him get checked. Good luck.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by maggierose:<BR><B>I am on the other side of the coin. My H had a PA with my former best friend almost 6 years ago. He lied about it and lied about it that whole time. We've been separated, been thru counseling twice, etc. I told him I had to know the truth and he looked me right in the eye and said "I have never been with another woman."<P>Well 2 weeks ago I found out the truth. Let me tell you, it is just as hard going through this again as it would have been then. I hate the deception and feel like the gains we made in the last 5 years have all been a big lie. The lying hurts just as much as the A.<P>I realize everyone is different. Some people say they would not want to know. I guess you have to decide. Is it better to live a lie or risk telling the truth and hurting him? I personally had to know. I just wish I'd known then as it put me at risk for stds. Very hard to face after that much time. If there is any chance you may have given him something, please have him get checked. Good luck.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I felt I needed to respond to this message. I took precautions and even had myself tested for STDs. I also haven't had a sexual relationship with my husband since last October, my decision. I didn't have affairs with anyone he knows or is in either of our circles. I'm sorry you were lied to by two people close to you. I can't begin to imagine how that must feel. Maybe that's why I struggle. I don't want to cause that pain in my husband.