HELLO EVERYBODY,
MY WIFE AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 8 YRS. AND MARRIED SINCE OCT. 2002. BACK IN APRIL SHE MOVED OUT AND BEGAN AN AFFAIR WITH A COWORKER OF HERS. HE'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND AND TWO CHILDREN BY THIS WOMEN. I ENDED THE AFFAIR BY CALLING HIS GIRLFRIEND AND TELLING HER WHAT WAS GOING ON. NEEDLESS TO SAY MY WIFE WAS VERY ANGRY WITH ME. SHE TOLD ME TO STAY OUT OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. IN JULY MY WIFE MOVED BACK HOME TO SEE IF WE COULD WORK IT OUT.I WAS THE PERFECT HUSBAND CATERING TO HER EVERY NEED. IT'S NOW AUGUST AND SHE SAYS SHE WANTS TO MOVE OUT AND BE INDEPENDENT. SHE SAYS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO ME. SHE ALSO SAYS SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME AND FINDS ME UNATTRACTIVE.THE FACT THAT SHE STILL WORKS WITH THIS GUY MAKES ME FEEL LIKE THAT MAY BE PART OF THE REASON SHE FEELS THE WAY SHE DOES. HERE'S MY QUESTIONS TO EVERBODY.
1. AM I FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE SHOULD I JUST GIVE UP?
2. IF SHE DOES MOVE OUT SHOULD I KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HER?
3. SHOULD WE TRY COUNSELING? IF SO HOW DOES A THERAPIST GO ABOUT FIXING A MARRIAGE WHEN ONE PARTNER WANTS OUT.
ANY COMMENTS OR SUGGESTIONS WOULD BE HELPFUL. I LOVE MY WIFE VERY MUCH AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER.

HI TROD,
First... to answer your question... NOT NECESSARILY... although you haven't been married all that long.... you ARE married....

This could be a LONG road... there is a lot for you to do... READ READ READ... all that is on this site..

LEARN LEARN LEARN.... it's all about filling needs....
the other man (OM) is filling them or your W wouldn't be with him...
The important thing to remember is... NO SITUATION IS IMPOSSIBLE... (look at my story WAY BELOW.....)

We will be here for you.... save your anger.... yelling.... venting and crying for here.... it's very painful but YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT..

PRAY....PRAY... PRAY.....AND PRAY..... God will help you fight for your Marriage....
WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE....
I don't want to overwhelm you at first.... you need too find out your Wife's most important needs... (I bet you think you know... but you probably don't have a clue if you're like I was...)

I'll check back with you when I can... GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS... FRANK sorry... you need to be here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> BUT YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU FOUND THIS PLACE... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> HERE IS A GENERAL WELCOME WITH A LOT OF HELPFUL HINTS...

posted December 29, 2000 08:33 PM
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Welcome to all new Builders of marriages... newBies...

The people here represent men and women trying to improve their marriages. Many have just begun, others are vetrans of many years. All struggle with the challenges of marital love; although others have fallen into deceit and betrayal. When infidelity enters the relationship, we have here both betrayed(faithful) spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP), and all filled with pain.

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If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts.

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Where two or more are gathered...

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*** Originally authored by NSR ***

Well, clearly from Please Help's case nothing is truly over.

Like PH said, read up on this site. I bought "How to survive an affair" and I hear "His needs, Her Needs" is a good book.

Learn what her EN's are and what EN's the OM was fulfilling.

The things she's saying are typical Fog responses. Your love bank with her is very low so she doesn't feel "in love" with you but I'm sure she still loves you. Just like my WW is with me.

1- Don't give up until you are ready to leave the M
2- Form a plan of action. Plan A is usually the first step so you would keep in contact with her.
3- MC is always good. You might want to even go for yourself.

God bless

Trod, if you feel led to do so, there are two marriage reconciliation sites. One is called Restore Ministries www.restorem.org and the other is Rejoice Ministries www.rejoiceministries.org. Both of these couples remarried after divorce (and there was adultery in both cases). I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but the Lord can heal your marriage. There will be alot of people telling you though to move on (including in here). You need to pray and ask the Lord what His will is and what you should do. "You will find me when you seek me with all your heart." If you seek the Lord, He will direct you.

God bless. My personal opinion is that you are not fighting a losing battle and yes, there is hope. I probably represent only about 10-20% of the population though who will tell you to move on and get it over with.

About counseling, sometimes it can do more damage than good. I used to think counseling was the "only" way, but I have since learned that it is actually not always wise. The counselor might tell you it is "doomed" etc. and might discourage you from doing what you feel you should or want to do.

I pray that God is close to you and gives you strength and wisdom.

TROD...
Are you OK? FRANK

<small>[ August 08, 2003, 10:03 AM: Message edited by: PLEASE HELP ]</small>

HI FRANK,

I'M COPING AS WELL AS I CAN. IT'S HARD TO EAT,SLEEP, AND JUST STAY FOCUS. EVERYTIME I'M DOING SOMETHING THE THOUGHT OF WHAT A GREAT TIME MY W AND I USE TO HAVE CREEPS INTO MY HEAD. SHE'S MOVING OUT SATURDAY 8/9. I FEEL SO ALONE AND HELPLESS. THERE IS NOTHING I CAN SAY OR DO TO KEEP HER HOME, SO I'M GOING TO PLAN B. I SEE NO OTHER CHOICE. I HOPE SHE REALIZES WHAT SHE'S LOSING. ONLY TIME WILL TELL

Read the links below.

1. AM I FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE SHOULD I JUST GIVE UP?
It's not a losing battle and you should not "just give up."

2. IF SHE DOES MOVE OUT SHOULD I KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HER?
Yes, of course. Don;t hound her though.

3. SHOULD WE TRY COUNSELING?
You should. She probably won't consider it and will probably get mad if you bring it up. Simply mention it & let it drop. Don't argue with her about it.
I recommend you call Marriage Builders (see below) It's not necessary to have both people in counseling to save a marriage.

IF SO HOW DOES A THERAPIST GO ABOUT FIXING A MARRIAGE WHEN ONE PARTNER WANTS OUT.
By teaching the other partner what they can about relationships and how they wor.

Don't go to Plan B until you understand a bit of what has happened and what you can expect to happen.

p.s. Turn off your CAPS LOCK. It's difficult to read and it look s as if you are yelling.

TROD,
I'm sorry for your pain... I've been there... no sleeping... no eating (I was 190 lbs and lost FORTY POUNDS!!)

Chris is right...it's WAY WAY too early for Plan B....

PLEASE understand... PLAN B is NOT a method of getting a spouse back... it is NOT a trick plan to have your W change her mind...

it is FOR YOU.... to protect any love you have left for your W...AND it really is a means of self preservation too..
You obviously still love your W..

PLAN B IS HARD.... VERY hard...read the posts of people in Plan B... if you go back on it.... it really hurts more than it helps......Your W will do a Plan B of sorts herself IF she does move out...

Try and convice her to stay... and move into another bedroom... IT IS VERY VERY HARD to get them to come home... it took my W TWO YEARS....!!

She is probably scared of moving out... and.... hopes she can remain friends with you.... SOOO..... tell her that she can stay, move into another room and you can be friends (or learn how to be....)
If SHE no contacts YOU it will be next to impossible to fill ANY needs...

PLAN B IS A LAST RESORT....like divorce... don't do either unless you MEAN it..... and can stay with it.

Don't worry...you can get through this....stay online and talk to us... vent here..not to your W...
PLEASE read this site.... you have to get up to speed.... The weekend is slow here.. like I have a Wedding tomorrow... I'll check back in the moring before I go...

I will be praying for your Marriage..
GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS.... FRANK

TROD,
How did it go Saturday? Please let us know.... FRANK