I was divorced yesterday afternoon, August 5th.

The financials are not yet settled, and the afternoon was anti-climactic, but it’s over. I may not get the money from H's purchase of the home until October, and I need to be out by Sept.15.
The original agreement was that he would close on the house purchase on or before Sept. 15th.
I still don't know when I will settle on the purchase of my new home, but I'm hoping its Monday, August 25th or Friday August 22nd.

His lawyer drafted the document and brought only one copy, and failed to incorporate the majority of my lawyer’s comments. So we spend over an hour carefully reviewing the document, and handwriting in corrections, which was a huge waste of time, and my lawyer was not happy. And his lawyer arbitrarily changed items that were agreed upon in the last court appearance in July. More time wasted.

Not one word was mentioned about the children, or about custody. It was only about child support, which is minimal as H refused to agree to a reasonable salary for him. I did get them to finally produce the 2002 income tax forms for H’s business so I can finally file my taxes. Imagine my “surprise” when I realized that H had taken out $20,000 from the business, and also got a $23,000 loan against the business. This would have been more income attributable to him – but at the late hour, it wasn’t worth the fight.

I felt nothing after the divorce. I think it’s been so long in coming as H dragged it out, and it was very expensive. I’m glad its over, but feel no real relief until the finances are settled. I never wanted to be divorced, but I am very glad to be out of a sick relationship. I’ve been listening to the Dr. Phil tapes and truly believe that nothing would have worked in our M. The Marriage never really started. I was dealing with a person who accepted no responsibility and wanted a mother, not a partner. I replay events of the M, and am in awe that I didn’t realize the problems sooner. Denial is a strong protection mechanism – and until I realized that it really wasn’t a marriage, I would never have seen that. I still cringe when I think of the emotional and verbal abuse he used during the M. And when it came down to custody it all came down to how much child support he would have to pay rather than how much time with the children. I felt like a single parent throughout my M, because I was. He really wasn’t there, despite his belief that he was a good father. That still disturbs me, but I need to let it go. I have a lot to let go, and need to do much more work on myself and on forgiveness. I honestly believe I never knew this person, who I once believed in – but wasn’t capable of believing in himself.

Just my thoughts.

Hi there. I see you have NPD mentioned in your sig... I'm sorry. I've been dealing with that too. SO HARD to make a break, because you are part of their supply. so hard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi Newly,

I'm sorry to hear that.

I hope for a quick healing for you, and
starting a new life without having to
ever think about that terrible marraige
again. Wishful thinking right now, huh!!

You gave it a good go, sad for him he didn't.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Dear Newly,

Glad to hear some of this mess is behind you. I thing my ex also has NPD--and it has even made the divorce difficult. Make sure he follows the decree--because this type of personality often feels like the rules don't apply to him.

I will be thinking of you as you go through the next step. Pat

hey miserynmissouri

many months (maybe even over a year ago) we compared many things.. funny we both may have come to the same conclusion. yes, my STBX doesn't feel like rules apply to him either....

Hi, and welcome to the "newly divorced" amoung us. Mine was final on 7/31, so I am pretty close to where you are in the process. Mine was different-- uncontested, no lawyers, and I am satisfied with all the terms. I know that makes me lucky. It's not helping with the broken heart part, but I do feel grateful for how smooth it went.

Sounds like you have to move quickly? are you staying in the same community? The logistics will certainly give you something to focus on, as will a home of your own, that you can select, decorate and upfit just to please yourself. That's something I will be doing as well, but not till next year.

Hang in there. Getting the D final is one form of closure, though there are other parts that also have to come together I'm finding. Take it one day at a time.

newly, good luck getting on with your life. My H has those NPD traits as well. The rules definitely don't apply to him. He is also actively abusing drugs and alcohol, which only makes him more sure he's right and more verbally abusive, tho' at least I haven't had to listen to it for over a year now. Altho' I filed over two years ago, I don't really feel any closer to DV now.

I relate to a lot of your experiences. My H thought he was a good father but he kicked the kids out the day after he kicked me out because, "If you don't love OW like I do, you don't love me." He accused me of wanting to be his mother, but throughout our relationship I tried to get him to see that I wanted a husband not a son, it was he who was looking for a mother with the baby talk and whining for comforting, the "temper tantrums," hanging out and getting high with kids 20-30 years his junior (some underage minors) and then telling me "You're a drag" because I'm not interested in doing the same. He was spending $10-20,000/mo from the company Amex card until I found a way to legally cut him off. I too am in awe at the denial I was in. I always blamed problems on outside circumstances and figured it would be better when... but it never did.

Newly - my divorce was June of this year. A long difficult divorce, and a lot of turmoil on x-husbands part. He procrastinated, didn't want to show evidence, didn't show papers, and to this day has not complied with much of any of the things requested on paper.

Our spouses, are all the same. Do what they want, when they want, how they want.

I didn't feel any better after the divorce either. It didn't hit me till a few days later. A it hit hard. The man I was married to for 25 years is gone. I don't know who this man is.

It does get better as I am told. So I am hoping for the better days to come. Glad to hear you are purchaing a new house. A new start, no memories.

I want to sell this house as soon as possible. It has too many memories, and xhusband doesn't even consider the feelings I have in this house. It is hard staying in this house and is the #1 reason to sell it. I did take all of the pictures of the family down, and put up only the childrens pictures. So hard, so painful.

Keep your spirit up. It is hard, but you will survive. There will be many of the roller-coaster trips. I have had them, and hate every minute of them. Talk to your family, and friends. Talk to your minister, and talk to us here.

There are plenty of people who can help you that are more advanced in their feelings. We all care very much about you hon.

Newly, I hope you soon find a sense of relief that this is now behind you. I also hope that you can find the joy that you so deserve in your life. It's exciting that you can move so soon into your own home.. that in itself is an accomplishment that you should be very proud of being in a position to do! (I would LOVE to be able to be in a financially sound enough place to be able to do the same.. I am envious!)

I am sending good thoughts for fast healing for you to be able to find true happiness in your life. And who knows what the future holds for you? Could be VERY exciting indeed!

Good luck and glad to hear that the worst is now part of history for you.

I am blessed with many great resources. I found a divorce support group early in the separation, and the friends I have made there and the emotional support are amazing.

I am only able to purchase my new home due to a loan from a female friend from the support group. Someone I didn't know two years ago is more willing to assist than others.

Life is bizarre, and God has placed the right people in my path to help in my recovery, including those on this board.

Hey - Newyly ---

Welcome to DD board...

Sorry about the circumstances. It's never easy --- but we dust off well, and moving around gets easier without the luggage.

Keep doing the good stuff and take care of you and your kids, the rest will come.

Hugs,

Jan

newly-

Congrats on getting this wrapped up. I know its not really something you wanted to do at the beginning but it is good you're finally finished with it. The magistrate handling my case issued his decision last week. I know the numb feeling you expressed. However, my STBXW has promised objections "...all over the place..." because obviously, the court's decision did not go the way she wanted. My lawyer only remarked that this could take months to resolve. Oh goody. What little money the court's left me with will now have to be sucked out to respond to the objections.

Good luck with this new stage in your life newly.

HoFS

Newly -

My thoughts are with you today. I hope you find peace as you "dust off" (as Jan put it) and I hope you find energy as you move on with the rest of your life.

Hugs to you,
- DBMFS

<small>[ August 07, 2003, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: D B M F S ]</small>

Newly, my best to you and your girls...they (and you) are all that matters...I think you know that. It's a shame and a blessing at the same time that so much personal growth has to come out of such a dark and harrowing experience.

May God be always with you and the girls.

Jay