My husband and I went through five months of separation before I finally broke down and filed for the divorce that I never wanted. He continued to tell me that he loved me, etc. but made no committment to trying to make the marriage work. Then, he ended up sleeping with someone else during our separation and I was crushed. Since our divorce, I moved on a little and began to date my youngest's daughter's father, but that didn't work and I ended up turning to my newly ex-husband for support. My birthday was mid-June and he called me at work to wish me happy birthday. Last year when we were married and still together he forgot. We spent Father's Day together as a family. My kids and his kids and us together. He helped me move the following weekend into a new house. Two weeks later we spent most of the entire weekend of the fourth together, once again as a family.

At that time and because things had progressed again to flirting and sexual relations, I approached him with a letter explaining my feelings and my desire to begin to date (not necessarily exclusively) to see what would happen between us. Then I find he's still seeing the woman he'd cheated on my with months prior. We got together to talk......ended up having sex. This on the Saturday after he'd just spent the night with this other woman.

In the conversation we had on Saturday, I asked if this other woman thought they were committed to one another and he stated they saw each other only when she wanted to. I questioned how he could be with me so much and her not question it...especially on holidays like the fourth. He said he didnt know...that she didn't ask.

Well, then I found out that she didn't ask because she was out of town that weekend and the week following so I again told him that we had to talk and a decision had to be made what was going to be between us.

He told me that he had resentment that he couldn't overcome and wasn't willing to try. That he never meant to hurt me....never meant to make me feel used.....threw in my face that after all how should he know how I felt since I'd started a relationship with someone else...etc. He said he wanted to be friends and would cut out all the flirting,etc. he'd been doing. He said he'd allow his daughters to still have time with me......that was last WEdnesday.

On Friday I phoned him to tell him that I'd like to see his girls sometime during this week as he had them all week. He didn't return my call until Sunday night and I was gone so I didn't call him back. On Monday, he called me at work and acted upset that I hadn't called him back and we arranged for him to bring the girls over.

When he got here......same thing....he says he's glad that he can have someone he can confide in who doesn't judge him and who listens to him, etc.

Do I lay low and see how this all plays out? Do I totally X him from my life and move on?

I'm confused and hurt, but need direction.

Please help!!!!

anyone? can someone give me some direction?

Maybe I missed something, but are you divorced or not?

He is having his cake and icing. He knows what you want to hear, and is saying it. But do you really believe this man anymore? Look what he keeps doing to you. Lieing, and doesn't have any remorse or guilt.

For one, I would date him, no sex, just date him. If you want to. And if you are divorced, then he has no reason not to date others too. He is free to do whatever he wants. But if you are just in divorce proceedings. He is legally married to you, and he should not be seeing other women. Also, how can you have sex with your husband, if he is having sex with her too. I don't understand this, the STD's, the AIDS, whatever. You have no idea where else he has been, and who else the other woman has been with.

In my marriage, my husband has been the only other man I have had sexually all my life. And I would never ever sleep with anyone without marriage. Sex, is the given right by God for the union of two people who love each other, and unite with Gods Love.

As I can see it, he wants her and he wants you. She compliments him, and you compliment him. He is having double pleasure, and you are whincing in pain. There has to be an end to this.

You are being used as I see it. And you are falling into his trap. Do you think having sex with him is a way to get him. Nope.

I would just date, and keep it simple and no sex. He has to decide who he wants, and how he is going to conduct his life.

Do I have a bash me sign on my forehead? WOW!! Come to a site that is suppose to be supportive in helping you try to rebuild/restore a marriage and you get bashed for sleeping with the man you love.

Dang, I knew there was a reason I left this site months ago. But for the life of me didn't know it could be this bad.

Ferbie, I don't think that Faith4Me is bashing you, I just think she is trying to understand firstly if you are divorced. If you are, then your H does have the right to date others, but you have to set your limits as to how you want to be involved in his life. Do you want to be the OW to him, having sex with him and fulfilling needs when he needs it or do you want to be exclusive with him and see where it goes? You have every right to be request exclusivity but if he is not willing to give it at this point you need to decide to hang tight or walk away.

If you are only going through proceedings then there may be a chance to stop it,but once again it comes down to what he is willing to give and what you are willing to accept. I am torn on whether it is cheating when you are going through proceedings as opposed to being fully divorced so I am not sure that I agree that he should not be seeing someone else or you yourself either.

I guess my point is, she is just saying don't allow yourself to be used, if you feel used than that is what matters....I would agree to not have sex-that adds a whole other level to a relationship and sometimes clouds true feelings...

Please don't feel bashed....

D

Hi Ferbie,

It seems you are divorce by what you said...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since our divorce, I moved on a little... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We got together to talk...ended up having sex. This on the Saturaday after he'd
spent the night with this other woman. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This concerns me. I hope you could respect yourself enough to not give yourself to a man
that you are not sure of at this time. I would advise boundaries in that area to protect you, your heart and your feelings.



</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said he wanted to be friends and would cut out all flirtings etc, he'd been doing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Make sure his words are consistent with his
actions. I don't think it's wrong to be friends
and see where it leads. Just don't want to see you get hurt again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Recognize all red flags!! Don't ignore the danger signs, that could result in the hurt of yourself again and your children.

For your sake I do hope he means what he says.

What do you want in a man? Do you want a man to respect you? love you? be honest with you? someone you feel safe with? someone you can trust? These are question you need to ask yourself then ultimate choice is yours!!

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

O.K......I am divorced. I filed and it was final all in the same month (April). I do believe that my ex-husband still cares deeply for me.

My question is....how likely is it to rebuild a marraige after a divorce....that was my question.

Should I let go and count my losses or lay back and see where it all goes.

Hi Ferbie,
Your initial post wasn't clear to me, but now I understand a little bit better after a few other posts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do believe that my ex-husband still cares deeply for me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Many people on this board would give anything to be able to say that (and be accurate). Do you still care for him? If so, maybe the "dating scenario" would be the way to go, as Ladysheep said. I think I've read in some of Harley's (and others') literature to not have sex with your spouse while separated or divorced because it muddies the waters for reconciliation. As Faith4me said , it allows him to be a cake eater which is not in your best interest, whether it be for reconciliation or for moving on with your life.

So the bottom line is, what do YOU want?

Ferbie... you might feel bashed by what I am going to ask and say. I just want you to know that is not the intent of what I am trying to say, so if you can bear with me, perhaps we can both understand what is going on a bit better.

First of all, what was the circumstance of the separation? Why did you separate in the first place?

Second, how did your ex 'NOT' try to work on your marriage. What sort of things did you feel needed changed that he was unwilling to change? And what sort of things did he point out as your part of the separation?

Third, Now I totally believe in fidelity during a marriage, and that a marriage lasts until the divorce is final in all aspects. NOT all people believe the same thing. It is very common for people to date while separated. My ex dated and slept with men within a couple weeks of leaving me. However, while I hate the fact that he did it, what was going on when it happened? These are important things to look at while trying to understand the entire scope of things.

Fourth, You state that he was still seeing the woman he cheated on you with. But you had already started a relationship, however you sound as though you are angry he was seeing someone. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">threw in my face that after all how should he know how I felt since I'd started a relationship with someone else...etc </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You DID start a relationship. And I can tell you, I would still be working on my marriage, even after divorce had my ex not immediately restarted sleeping around. I love her, but see no love in return. Why should I ever think that she would want to try? You 'moved on' but appear to be angry that he did as well. I don't hear that you understand his feelings during this whole divorce. Of course, I don't know what 'resentment' he holds against you. But, if this is it, I can see why he would think that perhaps you are acting duplicitously and one sided.

Fifth, You filed and got the divorce 'You never wanted' now you are wondering whether you want to remarry him? What has changed in your relationship that makes you think that it is better or has a better chance at success AFTER divorce than before? As if it is something that he must do to change. This is the bashing part, but this sounds almost as if you filed to manipulate him into changing and he did not so the divorce went through. I don't know... but to me with the information that I have, this sounds like a possibility. This might be far from reality, that is why I prefaced everything with the understanding that I don't know enough. But I hear inconsistencies within your story that make me concerned about your perception of the situation. Perhaps he cheated hundreds of times, or you left him because he was abusive... I don't know. But with what I understand so far, I am very confused.
You say that he said he loved you and didn't want the divorce, but made no committment to the marriage. Please explain what you mean.

We can help much better understanding these points. Sometimes because one person disagrees with the other, they feel as though NOTHING is being done. For instance, because I hurt when my ex would not wear her wedding ring when she would go out and I would repeatedly explain how it made me feel, she felt as though I was controlling and angry. She could never see that her actions contributed to the problems. Had she worn her ring, that type of issue of trust, fidelity, etc would not have surfaced repeatedly. But she could only see what I was saying, not that she was CAUSING the issue in the first place.

All I am saying is help me to understand these issues in your marriage.

<small>[ August 12, 2003, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Formerly Confused......I will try and explain more in depth the whole process of what happened. Please know that I do put a lot of blame on myself for the way my marriage ended. I had issues of trust and was a very jealous person when it came to my husband's ex. It appeared as though he would bend over backwards for her in anything and everything that she wanted. It hurt me and I tried to explain this to him. He knew of my past with a cheating spouse and how hard it was for me. I wanted to get help by counselling and was just going to start with this. Then, I saw an email from a woman he worked with. In the email it mentioned them meeting and mentioned that she hoped he was deleting the emails so I wouldn't see them. I confronted him about it. He swore there was nothing going on. Because of my past....I didn't believe him. I'd heard it all before. This was on a Friday. He agreed to go to counselling with me and work on things.

I had sent an email to the woman and asked her to please step out of our marriage and let us try to make it work. I sent him a blind carbon copy. I wanted to be very upfront with him. I also phoned her. She was a married woman and I threatened to tell her husband. She also said that nothing was going on...that they were just sharing things about their marriages, etc. I'm not a fool to think that this is how affairs happen.

Anyway, he came home from work that night and acted just fine...until he saw my email to her. He got instantly upset with me. Screaming and yelling and telling me I was trying to control him and run his life. I didn't mean for him to feel this way. After reading stuff on here...I can see a typical pattern in how a spouse can misinterpret the other's actions. He left that night. It was October 28, 2002.

I started counselling for myself. Had many ups and downs throughout it all. He attended a session once by himself with our counselor. He told her he loved me, but he was afraid nothing would change and he'd rather live alone for the rest of his life than feel he was under a microscope. He told her he was confused and his actions showed it. He was always staying in our home. We continued having sexual relations on and off. We started talking a lot more about things and sharing what we perceived in our marriage and what we felt and how things hurt us, etc. I thought we were making ground. We had more heart to heart talks during our separation and since then ever before. I really thought we were trying to rebuild something.

I then found out he had slept with someone and I was very hurt. He came to my home and began yelling at me. One week after spending a happy weekend together as a family with all our respective children...he was yelling at me and telling me he wanted a divorce. That was March 9th.

I went through a lot of ups and downs and finally decided that I my NOT filing for divorce wasn't going to hold him here and I may as well let him go. I still felt strongly that he loved me. I still loved him very deeply. But he wasn't going to let go of the fact that I'd not trusted him when I should have and he didn't necessarily look at the things he did in our marriage that I had shared that hurt me as well. So, we sat down and talked and decided that we would file. We didn't have a lawyer. We paid off all joint debts. We had no joint property. We had no children. We'd only been married for 14 months prior to our separation. So, it wasn't necessarily a matter of who filed as we basically filed jointly...my name only shows as petitioner on the document. We requested our 90 days be waived. I wanted the pain I had went through to end. We filed April 1st and it was final April 21st. That weekend, he brought his girls to my house and they wanted to stay with me. I told them they could. I fell asleep on the couch that night waiting for him to leave. I just felt I couldn't ask him to leave what I wished was still his home. When I woke up....he'd gotten a pillow and blanket from our bed and was beside the couch on the floor.

I was contacted then by my youngest daughter's father and we started to communicate and my now ex-husband was upset. I travelled out of state to see her father mid-May. In doing so, we both realized that we were better off friends and parents to our daughter than anything else. It just didn't feel right.

From that time on....my now ex-husband began to come around more and more. He forgot my birthday last year when we were still married and together. This year....he called and told me happy birthday. I'd been told he wasn't seeing this woman anymore and that it was just a one time deal; not by him but people who knew her. I didn't question him directly. I figured he wouldn't have the time to come around my home and be with me and my children or bring his girls over as much as he was if he was still with her.

We spent July 4th together....the whole weekend as a family. He flirted and teased, etc. just like he did when we were married. It felt good again. I then wrote a letter to him. We had never really discussed what was going on and I questioned him and asked him if we could just date and see what happens. Not exclusively....but date. I told him to stop by or call if he wanted to discuss it. He stopped the following day...but didn't say anything.

Later, I found out he was still seeing this woman. Again, I was hurt. Partly because I do believe he cares, partly because he was involving me as "the other woman". But, I stood by my first offer to him of dating non-exclusively. I'm not angry about this other girl. And I think the fact that it happened with her after our separation makes me more able to forgive. I don't feel any ill feelings to him for it.

Anyway, I then confronted him about her and he said he only sees her when she wants to see him. That they really aren't in a relationship. He told me he cared for me and would always care, but he just didn't know if he could go back to how things were. He said that I was his best friend and that he could tell me anything and talk to me easier than anyone else and he didn't want to lose that, but he didn't know if it would be fair for him to say that he would agree to date and see where it would take us if he wasn't sure he was. That day we once again ended up "together" as we did the next day.

Then the following Wednesday (July 30th), we got together and talked and he said he wanted to be my friend but that he didn't know how that would work with the way we felt for one another. I said something about him being stubborn and unforgiving and he said......"that's something I have to work on". And I know that is true. Since then...he brought his girls to the house about a week ago and acted really strange and uncomfortable.

He was back a couple days ago so his girls could see my daughter who had been out of state for a month. He was back to his old self again. Teasing me and flirting and making comments like always before. I was confused and hurt and still don't know what to think of all this. Later that night he called and left a message that he had a question. When I phoned him, he acted all quiet and sad and said he didn't know what his question was. Then made up an excuse that he called to see how my daughter was because she looked sad. Eventually, he asked me to come to his house and talk to him. I did.

When I got there. He told me he didn't know why he kept feeling the way he does around me. That he knows he said he wanted to be friends, but he gets upset or jealous when he hears the kids say something about me communicating with another man, etc. I mentioned his relationship with this woman and why I should be accepting of that if he couldn't of me moving on. He didn't know. Of course, we did end up together that night again. Always do when we start getting into these heart felt discussions.

So, that's where we stand. I don't know whether to believe it's all about sex or if he genuinely cares and just doesn't know how to get past the resentment that he speaks of about my mistrust etc.

Hope this helps. Again, I just wondered if I should totally step away or hang low for a while.