Most people marry in less than 3 yrs after a divorce. Secondly, since exH married OW, i don't think the odds are against them being successful. I think after you go through so much , they hold it together because Xes can't go through it again. What are other's thought on this?

I remarried a year after my divorce, and so far so good. We are very happy in our marriage. We both were married to wayward spouses, so infidelity is definately not going to be a problem with us. We hate cheaters. Also, we both learned from our past marriages, what to do and what not to do to keep the love for each other at the highest level. Coming to MB will also allow me to learn and strengthen my relationship with my wife.

Most people marry in less than 3 yrs after a divorce.
Where did you get this from?

Secondly, since exH married OW, i don't think the odds are against them being successful.
The odds are EXTREMELY against them BECAUSE he married the ow.

Something like only 15% of people who divorce because of affair marry the op. ANd only 5% of the 15% actually stay married longer than 5 years.

In fact, when there is an affair, the ods are 50% greater that you will be with your spouse instead of the op in 5 years.

I think after you go through so much , they hold it together because Xes can't go through it again.
If a divorce is caused because of an affair, then the WS/OP are far more likely to NOT stay together because they did NOT learn to deal with the difficulties in the marriage. They simply had an affair and ran off, not dealing with the problems.

<small>[ August 07, 2003, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I completely agree with everything Chris just stated.

I am remarried just a year now ..

I have ALSO heard the "remarriage within 3 years statistic" but unfortunately I have no clue either, where I heard it.

There was no adultry on either side in my case. I met my current husband 2.5 years AFTER my divorce.

I have a theory about the high failure rate of second marriages (and 3rd and 4th for that matter)
due to infidelity. Guilt and fear.

Marriage needs to be grounded on a firm foundation of trust and free from any feelings of regret.

Second and subequent marriages are already REALLY hard without factoring those two things as well.

The fact that your spouse cheated opens the door for fear later, that he/she will cheat on YOU.

The guilt of the affair and how much damage you have done, usually has a way of catching up on you.

Anyway, this is NOT news to anyone here, I am just adding my two cents today..

Diamonzzz

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a theory about the high failure rate of second marriages (and 3rd and 4th for that matter) due to infidelity. Guilt and fear.

Marriage needs to be grounded on a firm foundation of trust and free from any feelings of regret.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a simpler theory about remarriage failure. Poor marital skills. Those people who end up divorced often suffer from these poor skills, and don't take the time to learn and apply new, good skills to their subsequent marriages. They keep figuring "it must be the other person..."

I suppose you can't get simplier than that K! Bout splains it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thank God for sites like MB
Diamonzzz

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nezi wrote:
I think after you go through so much , they hold it together because Xes can't go through it again. What are other's thought on this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nezi,

You should read Pitman's book. He wrote that the precise reason those 2nd marriages DO have a very HIGH failure rate is because of what you stated up above ... they [WS/OP] expect the marriage to be perfect because they sacrificed so much to get there, so it all better be worth the grief and pain they caused so many.

But they are sadly disappointed to learn that not only is their relationsip no longer a fantasy life with one another, but they both have the baggage of guilt and lack of trust to fuel their inevitable demise.

[I probably have mis-quoted Pitman, but I think I captured the essence of the message]

Jo

Resilient, could you tell me which book that is? and anyone else have any good books dealing with second marriages and family blending etc.

I am not looking to get married anytime soon, but I hope that some day I find someone that interests me (and I her) enough to get married once again. And I don't want to be reading about it during the problems, I would rather have some understanding and thought already behind it long before things are an issue.

And my feeling echos most posters here about second marriages. I think it depends almost totally on whether the people involved recognize their contributions to the breakdown of the first marriage and build skills and change behaviors that will allow them to be good spouses.

It is the simple fact that rarely do the people who 'jump' into another relationship develop the skills or changes that are necessary. They tend to key in on a single 'BIG' behavior that their spouse did and keep thinking they will never have THAT again. So now my life will be great. However, they have no understanding of their contribution to the marriage breakdown. Or like my ex... thinks that the only thing she did was start having affairs, so if she doesn't do that she is essentially the 'perfect' spouse. heh heh heh Perhaps there is another man out there who can tolerate her regular ways... but I doubt it.

So it really comes down to do we understand ourselves and are we willing to really look at our daily behaviors and the daily behaviors of our 'future' spouses. Because it is these things that wear on us and tend to cause the worst problems. And if a person is unwilling to look at those... just remember, your spouse is looking at them EVERYDAY and if they bother him/her... they will eventually affect the marriage.

At least that is what I believe.

One thing for sure!!!!!!!............you never know when you will meet someone you would marry again. I swore after my divorce I was gonna be single for the next 10yrs. I basically told everyone that, including my parents. BAM!!!! God sent the love of my life my way. Ya never know?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Here's the Amazon book link, FormerlyC. Hope this helps you, Hon.

[b]Private Lies - [i]Frank Pittman[/i][/b]

Lv,
Jo