I hate this roller coaster I'm on!

I have been feeling so good this last week or so, I seemed to have a positive attitude about what it is I have to do to get past this mess. I have got the paper work together to give the lawyer (most of it) and I seem to be moving on. I have accepted the fact that I can only control myself and I can't help stbxh.

So why have I been crying for 2 days? I hate this awful ache I have in my heart. It hurts so bad!! I talked to my girlfriend and her reaction was "You were doing so good what happened?" Like I know. Maybe my life has taken a dramatic turn and I can accept it one day and the next I can't.

I know it will take time but this is so painful some days and I hate when I am back crying again. I want it not to both me any more. I know in TIME!
I read here alot and I just feel like I will never get past this. I loved him and I have to learn not to care any more. So hard not to pick up the phone and ask him so many questions.

I miss him holding me and I miss him telling me "Everything will be alright". I miss laughing at our inside jokes and we have so much history. I can't go anywhere and not have a memory that involves him and I.

I will move on because I have to but some days are just hard. I guess it makes us appreciate the good days.

I got a call from my SIL and my niece had a baby boy. I went to hospital to visit and it was very nice, I went in the afternoon knowing everyone else would go at night. I got to hold the baby and it felt so good. I went to my car after and cryed I miss those days when I was happy. I long for happiness again I know it will happen but the waiting seems to take forever. I know I have along way to go I'm not even D yet. I haven't even filed yet!! As I said earier I'm get things together.

I guess just going through with it makes this all real. Do that make sense? I still feel like this is just a bad dream. Can't be happening to me, no way, I'm happily married. I was so happy! What a fool I was, I don't know what I could have done different to prevent this from happening.

I have to stop these thoughts they don't o me any good. Just need to vent.

LJ

I do know the feeling...and I wish I could say why this has happened to both of us. Hang in there--everyone says it gets easier with time.

I guess we just have to have Faith that God knows what he is doing. Take Care Pat

LJ,
It sucks! I know it does b/c I've been there and am still doing it. One day you're feeling like everythings GOOD, then the next, you just want to call him and beg, plead, cry, anything to make him come back.

I've had those days but, they seem to be less and less. Eventhough I do have them they're not as often anymore.

I know you've heard this before and everyone tells you this but I'm gonna say it ONLY b/c it is SO true....... IT TAKES TIME! I hated when people said this to me, b/c I wanted it all to stop hurting NOW, not in a few months or years, NOW. But little by little it gets better.

Take it one day at a time. Try not to focus on the WHY'S and WHAT IF'S, they'll only make you more miserable. I use to do this often and some times I catch myself doing it but, I have to stop myself. It doesn't do any good.

Don't concentrate on him anymore, concentrate on yourself.

Be strong, you'll get through this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I had to respond to your post. My heart aches for you, I don't know you but I feel your pain. I'm not there where you're at, don't know if I'll be there, but if I do it'll be my decision, and it will still be painful.

Hang in there, find the strength from within. Get out and exersise do some yoga. Know that there are many in the same boat. Your in my thoughts

LJ, My H moved out over 2.5 years ago and I still go through those dips, in fact I went through one this week after hearing some upsetting information about my STBX. All I can say is that the highs are higher and the lows aren't as low.

At first, I couldn't eat or sleep and lost 40 #'s (I've gained back 20). Now when I get upset, I tend to overeat! That's the down side of feeling better. LOL

I, too, wish that I could reach a point where it no longer bothers me. I've maintained NC for over a year, which sometimes gives me the illusion that I no longer care, but whenever I hear something about my H, it sends me into a tailspin, even if its only for a short time now.

Like you said, we move on because we have to, not because we want to. I don't think it's realistic to expect to get over a 20 year relationship overnight, even though the WS's seem to have left without much pain, and even though we wish we could too.

Thank God for MB and people who understand what we've been through and what we're still going through!

I thank you all so much for caring!

I am blessed to have this forum to pour my heart and soul on to. Everyone of you know how I feel and that is comforting to me. I guess misery loves company.

I'm okay today just one of those stupid dips in my ride to recovery. Boy this can get tiring at times.

It's the hardest thing I ever had to do and at times I would love to throw in the towel. I will never give up!

I just read here and know that we do make it in the end. All my hope is knowing others have been where I am and have made it. I have to believe one day I will be happy.

Stbxh called last night and I just cried its so sad what has happened to us. He loves me and I love him! But the damage is to great to overcome and I can't do it any more. I must move on without him and he has a tough road ahead of him.

I am going to dinner with my sister and girlfriend tonight so that take care of one evening for this weekend. I have to work on the rest. I must keep busy, no idle time.

LJ

lj1122- I can totally relate and I feel so sorry for you that you are going through this - and like everyone says it definately gets better in time - well maybe not better but the pain seems to become more distant....and it is hard to get over something that was twenty years of your life overnight - and alot of people won't understand that - but someday we will be happy again... I mean I can see in my situation the more I just put him out of my mind the better off I am .... I want to be happy most days - somedays I am so sad and believe me it just comes out of left field - maybe triggered by a dream, a song, something someone says - but then are still those days that I am so angry that I just want to shout - how could you have done this to our family - and then there are the days - that I just want justice - I want to be totally happy and totally fulfilled and I want him to be miserable and even experience one ounce of the pain I have been through... So I guess even though we think we have disembarked off of this roller coaster - alas there are days when it stops and takes us along for another ride... But stay strong .... Somehow we will all make it through this....

That's why we are so important to each other during this process of recovery. We all know how each other feels and can understand why we feel like we do.

After awhile freinds and family just want us to move on which is what we want to but it doesn't come so easy for us. If I every have to help anyone going through a separation or divore I will be more understanding of the process.

I have been guilty myself of not understanding the magnitude of divorce. Why would I? You don't understand fully until it becomes your battle and then you remember when so and so was going through it and how you didn't really do what I could have.

I feel bad about that but that is how life is. That is why I love being around my grandmother she had such wisdom and insight. I pray to her every day and hope she hears me.

Life lessons! What a way to have to learn. I would have rather taken a class. LOL

LJ

Hi LJ,
You have forgotten to keep me posted on your support class...maybe I am not the only one wondering how those things go.
Hugs and prayers

CLHG,

I'm so sorry I did forget to let you know.

It has been 4 weeks since I started and at first it was weird but I kept a positive attitude. I met one person in the group who I e-mail during the week. She is separated also and has 2 small children.

Some of the people in the group have been divorced for awhile and some recently. As the weeks go by we have opened up some more but its slow at first.

I must like it or I wouldn't be going back. It's just something that I usually don't do so I feel very awkward. I am learning to open up and I feel that in the long run it will benefit me.

I wish you could find one so you could give it a try. It's just another source to vent and understand how to handle the changes our lives have taken. I do travel about 1/2 hour to get to the group but I don't mind.

I can see this helping me in the long run. I feel anything we do to get past this awful time in our lives we must do.

I must leave going to dinner with sister and friend.

LJ

Thanks for the info LJ, maybe with school starting and getting back on a regular schedule I can find the time to go do this for myself. I am glad it seems to be bringing you some peace. At this point, when I cant take it anymore, I visit with my Pastor and that seems to bring peace for a while.

CLHG