To those intiating divorces, especially those with young children, remember that your happiness is not the only one effected by a divorce.

In my case, my wife initiated divorce, has made herself supposidly happier, but does not consider the effect on the other 3 members of the family, my 2 children and me.
Oh I'm sure she will say she considered it, but it doesn't seem like it to me.
If only there was as much effort into saving marriages than there is into destroying them.
I'm am speaking of the legal system and attorney's, I have gone to mediation, focus on children, and counsiling all dictated by the court to help me with our divorce.
It is too bad there is no system to direct couples back together to keep the family together.

Maybe I just feel this way because I had no choice in this matter, I was kicked out of house and my children were kept from me.
All this was under the guise of a restraining order saying I was abusive and a danger, yet I find out this was done to allow wife's boyfriend free access to her and my kids.

I took my daughters last night to see the movie Freaky Friday, and in it the mother was getting remarried and she was recalling about how her husband had died 3 years ago and that she felt guilty about bringing a new man into the family after a couple of years.
This remark hit home to me, because with me after less than 2 weeks after being taken away from my kids and kicked out of my house and not allowed to go back, my wife was bringing the new man over to do things with her and my kids and has since then he has been her constant companion.
Just doing some venting here...........
I should have been prepared for this, because the last few months together she was dressing very younglike, and was commenting that she wasn't getting any younger and that she didn't have much more time to find a new man...........
I guess I should have gotten the hint.......

So now she has new man, kids most of the time, the house we bought together, the accumualation of 17 years worth of belongings, her entire family nearby, and me I am left alone moved into a small 2 bedroom with very little belongings and I only feel whole is when my kids come over.

Well I guess at least she is happy, and the other 3 of us, not so happy.

Rufustfirefly,
I am sorry to hear that your life is in turmoil.
You want to reconcile, right?
You need to first find out why she strayed, from you, or directly to this other guy. There is a reason somewhere-weather you were not meeting her needs or she just fell into temtation. Do you know what she was seeking and why she ended up with him?
If you know in your heart-the solid answers, you know what best to do to sway her back to you.
If you feel and she states that is was not anything that you could have provided-you can mourn the lose of her, but not a divorce.It's not your fault and you are free.
I feel that any love that once was, can be rekindled if the right criteria are met.
You know your wife and the circumstanses-what do you think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Rfirefly,

I hear you, Brother. I agree wholeheartedly with you that there is so little efforts made to help couples reconcile yet generous ones made to help them divorce. It truly and literally breakes my heart.

I also understand that the word "abuse" is tossed around much too liberally calling any unlikeable action of the other person "abuse". Yes, there is true abuse, but in bitter situations such as divorce, Satan truly does often blind a person into seeing the other as abusive, etc. when they really are not. I have seen this so many times.

And you know, it not only affects you and your kids, but your friends and family... your parents, her parents, etc... as well as others who hear the testimony of yet another divorce.

My heart truly goes out to you. Divorce is such a painful, awful thing... something God never intended to be.

While your wife says she is happy, I truly doubt that she is. God does not allow us to truly be "happy" (or at peace) when we are in sin and disobeying Him. Do not be fooled by what she is saying. As well, she probably is deceiving her own self into thinking she really is happy, but it is not true happiness.... it will not last. I don't advise you to try to convince her that she's not happy or even to fight her on this, but in prayer and faith, you can pray that God will work in her heart and life to reveal these things to her.

There is a very strong battle going on and it's not between you and your wife but it is a spiritual battle between Satan and demons and God and Christians.

John 10:10 "The thief comes to steal, to kill, and to destroy..."

2 Cor 10:3 "We do not war according to the flesh."

1 Peter 5:8 "Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."

Eph. 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

If you feel led to do so, I will recommend two sites to you that have been very precious in my life during my divorce. They are www.restorem.org (Restore Ministries) and www.rejoiceministries.org (Rejoice Ministries). God used these both to really open my eyes. Before I was led to them though, I became very convicted in my own heart of how wrong and harmful divorce was and I became willing to do whatever it took to reconcile if at all possible.

Both these ministries not only spoke to me about the power and importance of prayer, fasting, and the Word of God, but also gave me many practical ways of handling the divorce... or, I should say, they shared wisdom with me. And they helped me to see my husband as God sees him and to see marriage and divorce as God sees it.

I hope and pray God's peace and rest be with you right now. May He bring you comfort and strength as you go through this, and wisdom.

I couldn't agree more with your sentiments, Rufustfirefly. I am generally a positive, trusting person, and when my husband filed for divorce last December I was sure that I would encounter people along the way who would see how aggreived I was, and help me to protect my son from the situation. I was terribly wrong, and I feel as betrayed by the legal system as I have been by my husband.
I hurt enormously at what my son has had to watch as his father established a "bachelor pad" as a front, for when he would have our son on weekends, all the time he was a few blocks from his mistress, and she was brought into my son's time with his father unbeknownst to me. My husband continued to visit our family home, to lead me to believe he was working on some "childhood issues" so that I would not think to investigate what he was doing or get legal with him.
When his mistress got tired of this after 3 years and pressured him to do something, he stopped child support so I filed just for child support because he left me in over $20K credit debt. He followed with divorce petition and announced in court he was moving in with his mistress.
Yesterday a guardian ad litem report was finalized, and referred to his mistress as his "significant other." That tells me something about the court system in this state anyway - a woman who breaks up a family, colludes with a man to deceive me, and works in concert to alienate my son from me is "significant."
Since March my time with our son has been wittled away, and a couple days ago with the last pronouncement that he must spend exactly half of his time at what we refer to as "the sluthouse," he threatened to kill himself or me. (He is almost 12 years old, has just started middle school, and has been forced to cover up my husband's activities for so long now he doesn't know how to tell the truth.)
If my husband had died 4 years ago instead of "cracked up," as my son says, I would have been considered a saint for raising him as I have along. The court cares nothing for that. They are wimpish in only finding the easiest way out - 50/50, unless one parent is severely abusing a child, whatever that involves. No judge, or even attorney, is going to take the time or get involved enough to protect the emotional and moral well-being of a child of an unfaithful parent. "The child's best interests" is just a catch phrase they use to try to feel good about themselves, when all they do is carve out what used to be a family.
My heart goes out to you and your children. For all I care, I hope that my husband never repents because I have had enough of his in this life and only look forward to an afterlife where I can be assured not to run into him!
Thanks for letting me vent, too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rufustfirefly:
<strong>So now she has new man, kids most of the time, the house we bought together, the accumualation of 17 years worth of belongings, her entire family nearby, and me I am left alone moved into a small 2 bedroom with very little belongings and I only feel whole is when my kids come over.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This basically is a carbon copy of what happened to me.........except the end result played out differently. Instead of my EX being happy, the OM rarely comes around anymore.........my 6yr old told me. (Dude was married while my WexW was seeing him)

ME-Im remarried to a beautiful, sweet woman and could not be happier. My children love her also.....they constantly ask about her and hug her.

I only wish i had gone to court, if truely they would give me 50/50 with my children instead of the 69/31 I agreed too.
Is there any way I can still go back to court even after agreeing to this settlement that I mistakinly (my mistake) agreed to?

I think most divorce law (but may vary by state) allows either party to petition the court to change anything in the decree. Of course you have to show a compelling reason why the court should grant your request (or convince your ex to agree in thye first place). In the case of custody, the court will be mostly interested in the childs well-being. So have a good case as to why more custody time is good for your child. Also as a kid gets 12+ the court starts listening to what they want as well. You must establish you have a safe, functioning home, and the ability to spend the time with your child. I suspect keeping them in the same school is pretty much essential. Also if your w home can be shown to have issues, that may influnece the court. The point is have a very good case, and document it well, why increased custody is a good thing for your child. Do your homework, and good luck. Would your wife agree, or could be negotiated with?