I've been seeing a very nice lady and have a question...What's the general consensus on a single woman, who owns a house, having a guy friend that helps out on occasion around said house? Is it okay for her to maintain this relationship while dating me? If the guy friend was, at one time several years ago, more than a friend? He's apparently pretty handy and lives close to her out in the country, about a hour away from me. She seems to think it's a burden for me to work on things (which it's not, I've told her) and likes to have all this stuff done before I come out....Thoughts?

Show up with your tool box and spend the day helping her out --- just because.

Surely you've noticed a door that snags, or some other inefficiant malee that is upsetting her applecart...

Be sure to bring a great picnic lunch - and show her the best of both worlds....

If that doesn't get rid of him --- tell her she needs to find another Tool Man Dan....

Jan

litchfield,

Is he single? If so, and they're both unmarried, don't you think they'd be in a relationship now if they wanted to be? Looks to me like they tried it out and mutually decided a friendship is more appropriate for them.

I also agree with Jan's advice.

If this friendship is something that bothers you, you may wish to get out of the relationship before you get any more serious. Women who truly do have platonic male friends tend to get pretty offended when you try to break up the friendship or insinuate that it's not appropriate.

SJ-

Yes, that's a good idea and in fact I try to help out with something each time I visit. I think she's starting to understand that I enjoy helping out and that it's not a burden to me. Also, she's a great help around my house! We had a good talk about this "handy man" and I feel better about it.

Dobie-

Yes, he's single as well. And he's also engaged to be married so maybe I'm looking into it too much. It's just that she told me that after she broke it off with him a few years ago, several months went by before he'd even speak with her again because he was so upset.

'fraid I have a very different slant on this because of how my wife's affair has come about..... my attitude is if you're serious about her and if there is something to be done, do it yourself. If this is absolutely out of the question, then YOU arange someone to go round and do the work.

My background is I trusted wifey to maintain a platonic relationship with a married man whom she had a shared interest in horse sales and horse breaking. So I let it continue for a couple of years....and a few months ago he confessed his affections for her, which got her thinking and now they're having an affair. So I suppose my opinion will be biased, but I see it as fair warning.

I'm not sure of the rule of "Single" people, but as far as married people go I have the strong conviction that people should not have good friends of the opposite sex.

It leaves the door open for opportunity and the person to use them as a sounding board of their Marital problems and a chance for that person to meet their EN's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Eduard:
<strong>I'm not sure of the rule of "Single" people, but as far as married people go I have the strong conviction that people should not have good friends of the opposite sex.

It leaves the door open for opportunity and the person to use them as a sounding board of their Marital problems and a chance for that person to meet their EN's.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Surprisingly (even to myself) I've gotta agree.

My ex said that no man wants to 'just be friends' with a woman. All he's doing is keeping that door open. That is why he had a problem with me having male friends.

Then again, he hated my female friends and most of my family. So I didn't put too much into his theory.

My boyfriend would have a problem with me hanging out alone with a guy friend that I'd been intimate with. And vice versa.

Ah, the "When Harry Met Sally" question. I think it's OK to have friends of the opposite sex.

I have a good male friend from my divorce support group. He helps me with stuff around the house. He also helps other women in the group. This is purely platonic, and he makes a point to say so when someone comments on the friendship.

I am blessed to have friends who are both male and female. It helps to have a different perspective on things once in a while, particular post-divorce.

And, where do you live? I'm buying a new house soon, and will need many things fixed. I'll be scheduling a "painting day" with my support group, and expect at least 10 people to come and help. And it's usually the men who come out to these things to feel helpful.

"I have a good male friend from my divorce support group. He helps me with stuff around the house. He also helps other women in the group. This is purely platonic, and he makes a point to say so when someone comments on the friendship."

I can see how his keeping that out in the open would make things easier for both of you. Unfortunately, I've never met this "handy man" and am consequently not sure how he'd describe the relationship.....just friends would be my guess but who knows? All I know is that she's very attractive IMO and she broke things off with him several years ago.

"And, where do you live? I'm buying a new house soon, and will need many things fixed. I'll be scheduling a "painting day" with my support group, and expect at least 10 people to come and help. And it's usually the men who come out to these things to feel helpful."

Ha! Thanks for the invite but I'm afraid I've got my hands full at present! It's usually only the men that come out and help you? Hmmmm, wonder why that is?

Yes, he's single as well. And he's also engaged to be married so maybe I'm looking into it too much.
Do you think that because of an engagement means things can't happen? Read a few messages in these forums.

BECAUSE he is engaged, he should NOT be doing things for this woman, his former lover.

"Do you think that because of an engagement means things can't happen? Read a few messages in these forums."

Negative, I know better that that, hence the question. At the same time, as a BS, I think I have a tendency to be a little more suspicious than others.

H and I have a no female/male friends outside of mutal ones, POJA happening with us-- and it works for us.

BUT, I have another thought. If I were single, (presumably not engaged yet) but only
"seeing" someone (I used your wording) would the same "rules" apply?

Um... you know what? No, I don't don't think they would. As far as the engaged fellow
goes I would have a real problem if I were HIS fiancé, with wondering why he's hangin around
an old gf, but from your point of view, this sounds like casual dating.

Am I correct or has there been a commitment on both sides to date each other exclusively?
I think that makes all the difference in the world.

I am the most faithful wife you'd want to meet, but when I was dating, man I kept ALL my
options open and I had a whole football team of "just friends"(nonsexual).
And so I think you SHOULD.

Marriage is a HUGE commitment and it is supposed to be for life, so I think we have to choose
wisely. She just MIGHT have this other man in her cross hairs but until she makes a committment
to you, and vice versa, I don't think you really have a right to require that.

You might have that in place and I just haven't read enough of your story .. but I think that point matters a lot.

Again, as I say, the engaged guy is the one I wonder about .. and what HIS gf thinks of THAT
cosy little arrangement?

Anyway, just more thots .....

Diamonzzz

<small>[ August 11, 2003, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: Diamonzzz ]</small>

It's kind of tough to try and look at it from a "rational, non-bs" sort of way, but why should you?

It's not a matter of being suspicious. It doesn't seem as if there is anything to be suspicious of.
However, NOT getting into a situation which could become "dangerous" is the key.

Most affairs start simply because the ws fails to guard against getting into certain situations. And once they are into it, it's too late.

There is no need for him to do this work. You are willing and able. It's not specialized stuff which only he can do, correct?