Hi,
I just finished reading the closed thread by Chris. Very interesting. Many of the people who posted there are long timers. I have been away from MB for along time now just lurking once in awhile but I have found myself here alot more the past few weeks.

I think everyone on that thread had very valid points. I think it went to the extreme but it shows how MB has changed in the past 4 years. Four years ago the board wasn't seperated into different catagories. We were all just there, everyone trying to help eachother in our pain.

When I go back and read the old posts I really don't see alot of the generalizations that I see today. We were all there for one goal, getting through what was the hardest time of our lives.

Without MB I would not be the person I am today. I try to treat everyone with respect. I am now a administrator of a assisted living facility. Before I got there the employee turn over rate was horrible. Now we have had the same staff for 1 year. Why?? I think because of what I learned here in MB, that everyone is valued, That everyone ,has pain. I try to plan A everyone around me and you know what it really does work.

As far as my marriage went I planA'd to death with the help of Frank, Wiffty, Lostva, CeeCee, Nellie1 ect. It just so happened that Mid-Life crisis was stronger than I was. It was my children who finally said to me Mom, enough is enough. So after the discovery of affair #2 in a year I filed for divorce.

I do not condone divorce, but I do not like to see people repeatedly being hurt, let down, degraded either. Like I have said before everyone knows when they have had enough. Everyones situation is different and nobody can generalize that divorce is bad and should not happen at all costs.

Years ago here we focused on stepping back some and working on ourselves. Doing things that made us happy and in turn it often worked out that the WS seen that and made a turn around. I don't see this as even a discussion anymore.

All you new comers please go back and read the archives. We weren't perfect then either but I feel their was a little more compassion back then.

Just remember everyone here is valued and needed. This forum can change your life if you take it the right way.

One more thing, I believe in the idea that everyone has their own religiouse beliefs and although you have the right to speak your beliefs this is not the place to force someone into your beliefs. That is not helping someone it either just makes them angry or very sad.

Jill (formerly crazy or what)

HI Jill,

well, when popularity strikes, more people with different levels of everything come and change to a more mainstream type of board. . .

well, that's progress, and progress always solves one problem, but creates others. ..

glad to hear you are doing so well. . .

tom

I wasn't here 4 years ago (about 3 yrs), but I am thankful to have this place to come to to vent, read, look for others in the same place in life, and try to give advice sometimes as well. When it was all one forum, it must have been confusing with so many people in varying stages. I think that having all the divorcing people on one board and another board for those trying to fix a marriage would be beneficial.. as each group has its own, quite differing, agenda.

While I did participate and read the other boards (Infidelity, Emotional Needs QQ) the advice that I read there was unsuccessful in working for this marriage. I find that this board gives me great insight into what to expect over the next month

My marriage situation didn't respond to the Plan A/Plan B theory, H and I never were on the same page after it initially fell apart, so I am very glad that I have another board (Divorced) to read/post on. It's nice that is a board here for those that weren't able to put it back together and find themselves divorcing. Sometimes it is inevitable... like it is for me.

I do learn so much from the folks here.. what a great bunch of people overall!

Interesting comments..I have been here for about three months...After months of Plan A, Plan B, and so on and so on...my children too finally said ...Dad..enough is enough..they saw all my efforts and how it was all killing me w/ little to no reciprocity from my WW...she has been out of control for a number of months...today, I read an interesting comment that came to mind as I read how each of you put forth efforts as well..It was a piece about Hilary Clinton's book..It mentioned that when Bill was campaigning, he would reference that Hilary had given him a book on Psychology...In the book, he read that it is INSANITY for one to repeatedly perform the same task and expect a different outcome....it struck me so that I thought of myself....after 4 times of taking my WW back, I got the same outcome....more betrayal and lies and continued contact...I finally saw how insane it was and for once in many months, I reclaimed my self respect and did not back down during her criminal hearing for domestic abuse...I felt guilty at first but empowered and have had a new strength ever since...I am in the throws of a nasty divorce and hate it, but hated myself more for allowing me to be used and emotionally abused for so long....Although I am physically fit and 6 feet 1, my heart was broke and I have cried like a baby many times...now I am in this to win for me and my children....

HI Jill,
Good to see you're doing well!! Congrats on your engagement... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I have no doubt that you will have a wonderful marriage with all the work you've done... You can rest knowing that you did all and more than was expected of you to repair your Marriage.... YOU learned...YOU grew.... YOU made something GOOD... out of a VERY bad situation... the WS.... sadly they are doomed to continue to fail.....
I'm so glad you posted this and I agree with you totally...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We were all there for one goal, getting through what was the hardest time of our lives.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We really did have a close knit group here helping each other through (what I HOPE was the hardest.....) I thank you for all yours... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Years ago here we focused on stepping back some and working on ourselves. Doing things that made us happy and in turn it often worked out that the WS seen that and made a turn around. I don't see this as even a discussion anymore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't believe the lack of this talk here either...When that was the Focus back then... We knew if we did that we would either have a great repaired Marriage or, if we chose... I great NEW Marriage in the future.

But I can see why Chris posted that.... I've read "get rid of him/her" after not only a too short "A" but a BAD one filled with LBs!!

I KNOW we ALL thought.....hmmm.... Plan "A" didn't work and I've been Plan A-ing for almost 2 WEEKS NOW!!.... Better write my Plan "B" letter.....
We all did BUT.... back then we were told to wait until it was the LAST resort.....and we learned.... and we grew....I mean...I did Plan "A" for 2 YEARS.!!!!! Never thought I'd last the six months... let alone 2 yrs....BUT..... it was the SUPPORT that got me through...not the Plan!! These poor guys just don't have it here.. that's why I come back but even I get frustrated and start arguing and I KNOW better...


ANYWAY...just wanted to say hi....long winded as usual..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK

Everything that you said, exists on the Plan A and B and Just Found Out forums. In the DV forum, anyting goes... most come here loooking for answers on how to start the process after the bitterness of a failed Plan A/B. The bitterness can be powerful... but it also provided an opportunity for people the strengthen each other y'know?

There is, I think, a tendency to make snap judgements in the DV forum, but I think for most that's people still reeling with the consequences (good and bad) of the dv decision. I'm glad MB has a board like this where I can post thoughts and read up on how others are doing who are at least close to where I am.

Generalizations are a beautiful thing. That's why Dr. H does one on one sessions... cuz they always become meaningless at some level of detail.

Lyxa,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> most come here loooking for answers on how to start the process after the bitterness of a failed Plan A/B. The bitterness can be powerful... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah I guess you're right... Plan A/B (especially A!!) can be frustrating if it doesn't work to get the WS back.. and make you maybe MORE bitter than the affair itself.

When the BS is loving loving loving and the WS is just giving nothing back but pain...it can be BRUTAL..

I just think if done right MOST of the bitterness should be gone because of all the work is supposed to done to help yourself too.....

I also think people now jump into B too soon because they see Plan "A" as a magic plan to get the spouse back....even Harley suggests 6 months of "A"... I was lucky I guess because I'm a natural Plan "Aer" anyway...
(a natual "doormat" some would say... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )
....

Actually I should have posted this on the general questions board or the infidelity board. Its just that I read that closed thread here.

Jill