I'm really having a hard time with this divorce. I have two small children (4 and almost 2). There isn't another man, and 100% sure of it. I'm totally positive. It's just that I've been a controlling person to my wife. I love her more than life itself and now she wants out. I think she's doing all of this too fast but I realize I can't handle the pain. I know everybody says to believe in God but it's hard b/c my children's lives are going to be negatively effected and they have nothing to do with it. If there is a God why is the pain so hard and why do my children have to deal with this sh*t. I'm really starting to belive there isn't a higher force. I'm having a tough time to just give everything up to Christ when right now the pain is overwhelming.
I've visited numerous websites about remarrying your spouse and it can happen but highly unlikely. I mean my wife and I don't even hardling fight and I know we could get through this if she would just stop hiding behing lawyers. I know she loves me, but she's just not in love with me.
My question is how is this good for my children? There has never been any physical abuse or drugs or anything like that. As a matter of fact the only real issue is I've been controlling of her. She's as close to perfection as it gets. There really isn't much I can say about her that's bad, except her hard-headedness and her ability to forgive and forget. Obviously, throughout this mess I've really shown everybody that I am controlling but if she was going to commit suicide I would try just as hard and I would be just as controlling (for example). I'm really struggling with this.
What are the chances of remarry your ex? 10-20-30% likely? Just curious.
Any support would be great!!!!!

The word 'controlling' is an overused and much abused word that even WS(wayward spouses) use it to justify their A's. Could you give us an example of what things you did to her that were 'controlling'?

mawals, I am sorry you are going through this pain. You will get a lot of advice from others on this board which is much wiser than anything I could offer, but I ask that you not give up God, I know it is hard to believe that he would allow this to happen to you and your children, but I do believe that God will give us no more than the believes we can handle, and that for everything that happens there is a purpose.

Stay strong, for yourself and your children and do as CM suggested and post why you think you were controlling here and let the wise MB vets help you sort things out.

And yes please see your physician for some medication if you think you need it. Speaking for myself I am positive that I could not have gotten through all that has and is happening in my life without it.

I will pray for you... your children and your wife:)

<small>[ August 10, 2003, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: One_Day_At_A_Time ]</small>

You talked about your apparently attempting to control her too much. Then you mention she won't forgive and forget. What won't she forgive and forget?

I have found that it takes two to create a marriage and it takes one to destroy one. But the other partner usually had some role in damaging it.

This didn't happen because God hasn't rescued you. This happened because we have the gift of free choice. And there are other choices than morally right ones, emotionally/mentally health ones - choices which are often harder than the easy routes many choose. We can choose to do things which are not God-centered. It is not easy to always make a God-centered choice.

At church today the sermone title was "Does God Help in Tough Times?" It was delivered by a man who is not a pulpit minister - though he has been. The thrust of his ministry is on counseling and church involvement. Perhaps the scripture he used might be helpful for you tonight.

Isaiah 40:27-31 (NIV)

ISA 40:27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

ISA 40:28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

ISA 40:29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

ISA 40:30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

ISA 40:31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Hold on. Walk with Him. Ask yourself "What is the best choice?" And, probably, talk to your doctor. S/He can help you assess your need for medication.

I used it to get me through. It didn't take away the situation. It didn't change what I wanted. But it did make it easier for me to handle everything. It sure beats feeling like you want to lie in bed forevever and be a crying recluse.

My children lived with me. They were 4 and 2. And I had no idea why God let me go through this.

But, I did survive. And you can to. Whether your children live with you or their mother, they will need you. To know you. To love you. So, you have to keep on keeping on - to coin a phrase.

And I would be cautious about putting her on a pedestal and then saying that you were the cause of everything. I know that when everything came down the first time for me, I thought the same thing. She told me how I was the problem, and that had it not been for what I did or didn't do, this would not be happening.

Then I found out the truth about her having several affairs going at the time. And then after a while, I started looking at her accusations from a point of reality rather than a point in which all I wanted was the 'wholeness' of my family. It was then that I saw that most of her accusations were very shallow at best but mostly were completely ludicrous. Not that some things she said had merit, however, most of the things that she said were the 'main issues' were about why she chose the course she did.

When I started looking at them with a clearer eye, and talking about them with our counselor who knew both sides of the story. I started to realize that they were excuses rather than reasons. And that very little of what she said was true in the first place when broken down and analyzed.

So I tell you, perhaps you were/are controlling. But I would be hesitant to just jump on the 'She is perfect and I am scum' bandwagon... because I bet no matter what happens, in a couple months you will be seeing things alot differently than you are now, reconciliation or no. Look at yourself critically and work on you. But really be careful about blaming yourself for everything. I can categorically tell you that YOU were not the only one with issues in your marriage. And you didn't get to this place alone...

As far as medication is concerned, I am a huge proponent of it. I went 6 days in a row without sleep, and forgot to eat for almost 72 hours off and on when I first found out. I started Celexa at the recommendation of my counselor and after about a week I was able to function again. I still felt bad, however, I was more even keeled and able to sleep, which you cannot imagine how much it affects you until you cannot. I continued taking them during our quasi-reconciliation attempt. I took them for almost a year total while everything was occuring, I stopped about 5 months prior to my actual final date. They were only needed short term, just to get through the horrible feelings and thoughts that I had to deal with. After those were taken care of, I was able to see that they were not helping me any longer. I am so glad I did take them when I did. I am so very, very, glad. They kept me functioning for my boys' sake as well as my own.

<small>[ August 11, 2003, 01:11 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

HI Mawals,
Read all of this site.. T00MuchCoffeeMan has given you some good links....
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What are the chances of remarry your ex? 10-20-30% likely</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure of the percents...but my W and I remarried after we divorced.... it is happening more and more lately.. BUT... you can fix this BEFORE it gets that far..

Get the meds.... get some sleep and get to work...you have two children that need you to get this fixed...

Take this time to work on yourself.... understand yourself better... ask your family and friends to be honest with you...
Change what YOU don't like or see as harmful to your goal...PRAY PRAY PRAY...


I'm sorry to say this but although you feel that there isn't another man... I would be surprised if there wasn't a "friend" that is helping her to find fault with you... and if you find out your wrong.. understand even this isn't impossibile to recover from in a marriage...MUCH more painful and harder but.... not impossible...

All things ARE possible with God... even if you don't feel God in your life right now... he is there....
GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS.... FRANK

P.S. Maybe Divorce is your W's way of taking control back... she knows you will be in her life because of the children.... and there is always the chance of post-pardem depression sinc your youngest is under 2 years old.....
can you give us more details please??

<small>[ August 11, 2003, 01:54 AM: Message edited by: PLEASE HELP ]</small>

Wow, thanks for all of the advice.
Well I'm the first to admit I'm controlling. We've had fights like all married couples years ago but it all comes back to me wanting her to myself. I've always let her hang out with her friends and stuff but when she would get home I would ask her a bunch of questions. I didn't realize I was controlling until going through this divorce. When I found out I wanted to change her mind, which I'm still doing, my controlling tendencies became like 2X. Obviously, my controlling ways really showed b/c she was leaving and I wanted her to stay. Otherwise, I'm not controlling about too many things. I don't want to paint a bad picture of myself b/c I'm not a bad person. I've never cheated on her, hit her, ran around on her, etc. I think years ago I was verybally abusive to her b/c I didn't know how to fight, I just yelled and had a bad temper. The good thing is I've been going to a counselor since lsst year about my "anger mgmt" and this counselor has REALLY helped me out, and she would say the same thing. I've really put things in perspective after dealing with "my issues".
Being controlling isn't the end of the world, I mean I didn't kill anybody or rob a bank. I've always been there for her and the kids. I am trying to take look at the big picture objectively and I can honestly say I wasn't that bad but I had my moments.
There definitley isn't another man. I thought the same thing b/c it's the only thing that make sense but there isn't somebody else. I mean I would of noticed some things early on if there was. Nobody ever called the house, she never "worked" late, she was never running any weird places, she never "went out" with her friends or anything like that. Plus she swore on her fathers grave that there isn't another man, she has no intentions on dating anybody, there isn't anybody she works with or anything she would like to date after all of this or anything.
I do believe her, 100%. Sometimes I wish there was somebody else b/c at least I could understand this terrible situation a little more.
All I wanted was a second chance, I mean I deserve it, she deserves it, and my kids especially deserve it. If she gave me a chance I would change a million things and she has to change some things to. However, if a non-biased person analyzed our marriage, it would be 80/20 my fault.
I'm a good person, I have a good job, I'm a GREAT father, I just at the time, wasn't a great husband. There are not many things I'm good at but being an OUTSTANDING parent is one thing I'm really good at. It's a good feeling knowing I can do something right.I was a complacent husband. I just went with the flow. I should of hugged her more, made love to her, held her more, and told her how much she means to me more. I just want another chance but I think right now she'll give me a chance. I do think this divorce will give her space to look at things. I told her a million times to let's just get separated or maybe I could move out or something but she filed and that's that. There is no turning back b/c she's already told people and there is NO way she could back down. She has a lot of pride for some reason.
I just have a hard time beliving with 2 little kids, how this is a good thing, according to her. I know I should focus and have some more faith in God but now I can't feel it. I know this sounds crazy but I would like to have a sign or something to tell me that God is the answer and to give my heart to him. I just want to have some direction or have "something" tell or show me that. Maybe, I've just been watching too many movies.
If anybody knows of any other good drugs besides, Celexa, please let me know.
Thanks for all of you in trying to get me through this.

My X was controlling, and was emotionally abusive. I didn't realize it for the longest time. And though my kids are young, I see the damage done, from witnessing it in their young years. It's an unhealthy environment for everyone.

You can choose to work on yourself, or mope about it. Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse, because you break someone's soul.

I hope you continue to work with your counselor throughout this stressful period. Good Luck.

Mawals, I am so sorry I did not get back to you on the other post!! I had meant to and didn't.

I don't have time to post much now but am putting this at the top of the forum <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> so I remember to post.

How are you doing? You have been in my thoughts and I want to encourgae you to keep pressing on. Your question about the kids is valid. This is NOT good for the kids. I speak as someone who's been divorced and who has divorced parents... and also someone who has studied and researched divorce and its affects on both the couple and the kids. AND, I've read the Bible and what it says as well. Divorce is NOT good on anyone... period, and reconciliation is ALWAYS the best thing. God is a God of reconciliation!

Because of our sin, we were separated from God! But He reconicled us to Him by sacrificing His son, Jesus, and now, through Jesus, we are again with God... no longer separated!

He is the God of reconciliation!!!

You must wait upon Him though to work. Allow Him to work in both your life and your wife's life. Believe me... I truly know the pain of divorce, and mine sounds somewhat similar to yours (there was no other person or adultery).

Do not lose hope and be careful of seeking advice because some advice can end up discouraging you or misleading you. When you ask others what to do, etc... well, unless God has shown them, they won't know! Unless, they tell you what God's Word says to do, their advice is merely opinion and it might not be right because in such a thing as this, well, God has laid something upon your heart that is well... radical (can't think of a better word) and that many people won't understand or even support.

Most of the advice it looks like you've received is good and really, the only reason I advise for reconciliation is because of what the Bible says...

But... well, keep seeking the Lord. The pain is so great. I know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I truly know. Read some Psalms. Maybe that will help bring comfort? I'm not sure, but I know it helped me at first.

The only way I have gotten this far (10 mos) has been one day at a time and has been guarding my heart from the advice or opinions of others (which is mostly negative towards my husband and I simply will NOT hear it or receive it because God has shown me to forgive, etc... but my family is not Christian and forgiveness is not a high priority) and has also just been through prayer, time in the Word, and again, one day at a time. There have been MANY nights I have wept myself to sleep, simply in the solitude and silence of my room, alone with the Lord, unable to speak words but only able to weep. There have been times I have asked him to take me home. There have been times I have thought I couldn't make it and times I have thought I am nuts for believing and times I have wanted to say "forget it."

But, I still press on. I pray for my husband, I love my husband, I pray for reconciliation, I continue to live my daily life the best I can, working on things about me... growing in the Lord, learning new skills, etc.... simply taking one day at a time and yet, preparing for reconciliation with a faith that "hopes agaisnt all hope".

I also bought myself a puppy. Well, my mom bought him for me. And I do some practical things to try to help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, no one can really know the pain that you bear and no one can really take it away. Only God.

May He be very near you now and may He comfort you and sustain you. May He give you wisdom and guidance as you seek His will and fight fears and doubts. May He renew your strength and may He strengthen your faith. When Peter's faith was weak, JESUS Himself prayed for Peter! What a thought... that Jesus prays for us!

God be with you and bless you now. That is my prayer for you. May He bless you with rest and peace for you soul in the midst of this awful time.

I wrote more than I intended, but will check back again.

P.S. I accused my husband of being controlling. Whether or not he was/is... well, that's between God and him but accusing him of it sure didn't do much good for him or for our marriage, and any thoughts I have on it... I don't share publically with anyone because I do not wish to disgrace my husband with my own mouth. Not that I'm a saint, but God convicted me of that awhile back, and even if it is true, I simply refuse to say one negative word about my husband that would cause anyone else to think negatively about him.

But... about the controlling.... he and I simply had differed "love languages." What he saw as love, I saw as "control". I was not submitting myself to his authority as my husband (and I am very stubborn and independent which was not good in our marriage. It was something I needed to change but didn't) and he probably could've been more gentle in some things. But, now I have learned, that my prayers are more influential and powerful than my fears! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And I also don't see him as a controlling person.

It was wrong of me to do this: I'd say he did somethign 'cause he wanted to "control" me, he'd explain that, no, it was because he loved me, and I would not accept that but would continue to accuse! It was wrong of me to hold on to fear, to not believe him or listen to him, and to not give that fear to the Lord but instead I drove a wedge between my husband and me by not hearing him and believing.

And I also now realize that I am a victim of every single person on this earth! My parents... friends... husband... coworkers... employers... siblings... etc... all have sinned against me as I have also sinned against them. After the divorce, I opened my heart to the Lord as far as accepting what His Word says about forgiveness and I learned to forgive and all that that means. (Still learning too!) I also learned that throughout life, I will be a "victim" of other's sins... some "small" sins and some heinous sins... but that I can forgive and because of God, I can also be healed and protected. I learned that it is wrong of me to hold grudges or to be enraged at someone's sin, when I am no better than them. It has helped so much for me to look at people, husband included, through God's eyes and to also realize that Satan is the enemy and he is the one I should be hating and angry at, not people.

Joseph is probably my fav. Bible hero because his life was such a result of other's sin! He was a slave because of his brother's sins. And yet, he didn't even complain, he didn't fight against it, he didn't get back at them... in the end, he forgave them and was restored with them. And they wanted to kill him! I don't know if we really understand that. I'm sure that most counslors today would tell Joseph that he was emotionally abused and that he needs meds. and that he should not forgive his brothers, etc. Not only that, but Joseph also was imprisoned... wrongly so... by Potiper's wife because he did the RIGHT thing by fleeing her! Still, you never hear him disgruntled or slandering or saying one negative thing period. He was truly a rightous man!

And look what God did with him and his life!

Anyways, I have learned that I can trust God in the same way Joseph did, and even if I am "imprisoned," or abused, or mistreated, or betrayed, or unloved, or alone, or whatever the case, I CAN forgive and I CAN make it through because God keeps me sane <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and it is God who delivers, protects, sustains, restores, heals, etc.

Of course, this is much easier for me to say than to do! But, well, that's my little soap box for now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BTW, my husband wasn't abusive or any of those things above (those are just examples). I was actually blessed with a very loving, faithful husband, but I thought I made a mistake in the beginning (due to an overload of MAJOR adjustments in our new marriage) and I "freaked out" rather than trusting the Lord and seeking support from the Church, and anyways, I embittered my husband and I was like the foolish woman in the Bible, the one who "with her own hands, tore down her house." That was me. So even though my husband was the one who divorced, well, I am in no way faultless and I truly see how foolish I was in many ways.

Just wanted to openly confess that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'll stop now! God bless.

<small>[ August 13, 2003, 04:18 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Wow, Love My Ex, that was awesome. I think you and I are going through the similar thing. Everything I do, my wife (for another month or so) thinks that I'm being controlling. I mean everything. If I want to eat McDonald's vs. Taco Bell she gets mad and says "there you go again controlling what's for dinner?", that may not be a good example but you get the point.

Neither of us cheated or anything like that so that's a good thing. We are both GREAT parents and we each know that.

The future scares me. I have no idea what's going to happen. It would break my heart if I found out in a few months that she was dating and doing whatever with another man. Those are the types of things that run through my mind and it's those thoughts that make me crazy.

The pain is so severe I feel like giving up sometimes. I do pray hard but it seems that nobody is every listening. We are currently going through mediation and it seems to be getting worse and worse. It's like the more I pray the more negative things happen? How can I trust in Christ if my praryers are not only being answered, they are back firing? I know it takes time but man is it too much to ask for to see some type of sign?

Anyway, I love talking with you b/c I feel we went or are currently going through similar situations.

Please keep posting and thanks for the advice.
Also, keep me and my children, and wife in your prayers....pray hard!!

Thanks