Hi, I'm new to this forum, and my husband and I (we are Christians) are going to sell our house and separate because he blames me for financial problems. I don't know if there are any other messages on this subject, but I did not see any as I browsed the forum.

Some background here. We have been married for 32 years and have two children. One of them is going into her sophmore year of college.

My husband is a Vietnam Vet, and unfortunately suffers greatly from PTSD. He cannot tolerate stress or responsibility of any kind. While I admit to having a difficult time budgeting, I do not spend anything on myself. I struggle to pay the bills and put food on the table, but we are continually getting deeper and deeper into debt.

Obviously I need some advice, because I thing that separation will make the problems worse, and not make them go away!

Your thoughts please.

Hi Ada,
Separation will not help your financial situation, it will probably only make it worse. While separation (legal or otherwise) laws differ from state to state, the cost of maintaining two different households costs more. You should check the laws for where you live to see what could occur (future benefits from one spouse that help the other, medical policy that could assist one of you but stems from the other spouse, household support, etc.). Then there is the concern about your debts...are they joint or just incurred by one of you? If so, which one? (In other words, if you separate, who's responsibility are the debts to date?) Do you have a credit history of your own, separate from that of your H? At your age, your financial future may depend on his credit rating (or your joint rating together) if you don't have your own. Something to think about. Without knowing more of your history, it's hard to give facts here.

Have you tried a local credit counseling service? Most communities have them; they can help get a real budget that you could both stick to. They also can talk to creditors to whom you're debted and work out payment options, and they've even been known to be advocates for getting some debts partially forgiven. Also, since that would involve a third party (kind of like counseling) perhaps your H would be more open to seeing if it would work before doing something more drastic like separating.

I'm not sure what, if any, part your H's medical condition has played in your current situation, and what, if any, part it might play in a possible future separation and any finacial obligations arising from that.

Thirty-two years is not something to take lightly, and it doesn't seem as if you are. Try to do anything you can to forestall separation; meanwhile, do "Plan A" (read up about it on this site). Keep us posted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Welcome ADA...while my situation is quite different, W had an A w/ BF, etc..etc..many false recoveries and recent divorce filing, It is sad to me that you and H are sperating over this issue...While I know it is important and real to you both, this is very fixable in my eyes...Larry Burkett, a great christian financial advisor....many books, your church may offer support and there are credit counseling agencies...Your insight to seperating not being good is likey valid and the loss of the family home adds stress...I have 3 children, my W has become someone I do not know and we will likely be bankrupt as a result of her A and refusal to repent and reconcile...In the past week, she has run up $3600.00 in charges...We now owe 40K in debt and she is not even to the point of resolving the custody issues or property settlement...I am in the home w/ all 3 kids, no support and none offered...She has a criminal hearing tomorrow for domestic abuse and is out of the home as a result....many dynams to resolve...but as for your H, there is the VA Hosp as well that may offer credit support....With God, all things are possible..at least you recognize the problem and are willing to resolve...as for your budgeting, not sure what that means, but if you have been irresponsible with finances, you can get help and support as well...I am not an advocate of bankruptcy, but that may be an option that allows you to atleast keep a family home...So lets see, check w/ your church, Larry Burkett books, tapes etc...Check w/ VA for support, check local credit counseling services (just beware and check legitacy)...also, if your church does not have this ministry, check w/ other churches...never know where you may be led...There is some information on this site as well about budgeting, but is more of a needs and wants as opposed to seeking credit or debt guidance....Hope this helps a little, but it is all I have and God Bless...

Many thanks to Avondale and Amazing Grace for your good advice regarding my marital problems. Just to let you know, I have given my problems over to God, and actually placed my life in His hands, because I really want to do His will.

I have received some insights that tell me to rediscover my compassion and love for my husband, even though he emotionally pushes me away. And of course I need to become more concientious with our finances, because maybe my husband just is not capable of dealing with money responsibly. I just have to accept this fact. I am sure that when our house sells and all the bills have been paid, it will then be made clear to me if I am to stay in our marriage or not. We will have to find a new home either together or apart. In addition, I will have to find a full-time job and buy a car!

Infidelity is not a factor in my husband's decision to separate, because it has been many years since my husband was unfaithful. To my knowlege he has not strayed since we became Christians in 1980.

God bless to all of you reading my posts.