I am stuck to where I am not sure what to do. I love my WW and I do not want to have a messy D but she is pushing with all she has for full custody of the children, the house and everything thats not nailed down. My children want joint parenting but I feel I must pursue full custody cause if she gets it I will be at her mercy. We have no parenting plan right now and she is already trying to be forceful with visiting times!! I was hoping that we could meet in the middle and try to get along and THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN FIRST but it does not look like it is going to happen. Mediation is scheduled for 8/27 and she already told me that she would fight to her grave for full custody. I want to be civil about this and try to get along. We have a long way to go together, even if we are not married. I pray for Gods guidance daily. Anyone have any suggestions. They would be greatly appreciated

<small>[ August 12, 2003, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: adamv ]</small>

(((Adamv)))

Been there, done that, lost the t-shirt in the divorce. Actually from the day my wife moved out I began tracking EVERYTHING, like parenting time, monies spent, when the kids were left alone. We had “agreed” to joint custody but as soon as her lawyer got ahold of her and she saw how much “money” she wouldn’t get, she filed for full custody. I counter-filed for full custody. I subpoenaed her work schedule for the separation time, asked for daycare bills (which there were none), and I basically laid down my court case for custody in mediation. We didn’t agree and things were fixin to get sticky. Then we came to an 11th hour agreement on the court house steps (figure of speech) right before trial. I had done a ton a research on the judge and lawyers. That particular judge would never “Order” joint custody and was an old time conservative that favored the women. Though I felt I had an excellent case, I was eager to try and reach a compromise. I ended up taking more of the marital debt and inflated my child support. Our agreement is actually me 43%/her 57% but I rarely have me girls less than 50% of the time. We came down to the final issue, what to call our agreement, Joint Custody or Primary Custodian w/me having Visitation. And for the life of me I couldn’t agree on that so, we headed into court to roll the dice. They followed and agreed with seconds to go. Granted by the time we reached this point I had figured out the some of the things that I had been blind too so my love for her as a wife was non-existent.

ps. If your wife is anything like my X, you telling her to think of the children first will be interpreted as an attempt to control.

My X who was not a frequent father said he's fight for full custody, but put a full scale effort into getting 50/50 custody. Our state/county favors joint legal, but more physical time with the mom. This meant a psychological evaluation of us and the kids ($6,000) and severely raised our legal fees. If he has spent more than 10% of time with the kids before, I might have believed it, but this man was alone with the kids less than 10 days per year.

The psych. recommended he get 5 days of 14, and he still fought the psych's recommendation and it cost more to enforce it. After witnessing it, the psych. began to question his own eval. We are required to do follow up counseling on communication and on the children's counseling, and X refuses to talk about it. After he got only 5 days, he stopped talking about custody or what was best for the kids. It was all about how much he'd have to pay in child support, which is very minimal as I work too.

In court ordered mediation 11 months ago, I offered 6 days, and a much better financial deal to avoid the legal costs - and he refused it claiming he'd fight for full custody. He got so much less than I offered, and it cost us each a year's college tuition. What a huge waste. I still wonder whether it was his ego that caused him to walk away from that deal. I thought it must be his love for the kids - although I never saw that. For 18 months he demanded the kids "when I want them" and I had to deal with his attrocious schedule - alternating every day. Now we are on the evaluators schedule, which means he goes 5 nights without seeing the kids. This is what he fought for? IDIOT!

But YEAH I'm now divorced for 6 days.

I just went to see att. yesterday and she wanted to file some RO on the OM to keep him away from my children and submit some other thimgs that were not 100% factual. I said "she has already done that, why should I lower myself to that like she did"? I was thinking of our sunday school lesson for last week that was on joseph and how his brothers hated him, sold him to slavery but he kept his faith in God and things were good. He was put in charge of his masters home and belongings. Next Potifers wife falsely accused him of trying to molest her and he was thrown in prison. He still kept his faith in God and the head prison guard put him in charge of all the rest of the prisoners. I have had so many people tell me to " Go for whatever you can get" or "Divorce is war, get dirty and mean" or "Your WW is the enemy now". I am sorry, I have to do what is right and fair. Even if she is not going to be why should I come to a lower level or away from my beliefs to seek vengence? I have someone who is out of this world looking after me and if you know him you can understand how I am feeling. Ya'll pray for not only me but for both of us.

<small>[ August 12, 2003, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: adamv ]</small>

Sorry to hear of your plight. Yep, been there, dun that - lost my a$$ - but remember one thing: 'What goes around-comes around' and for sure, TAKE THE HIGH ROAD and you will NOT regret it. It will be YOU who walks away and looks back down the road years from now that you did the right thing and you did NOT play lowball and were not nasty and mean like my ex was...
It's been 5 years since our Divorce, and boy did she sure get hers! Not gloating here, but kinda like watching a drunk driver drive away - you know they're going to get into a wreck and there's little you can do about it but just WATCH... so it was with my ex-wife: I had nothing to do with it, I never said one bad thing (except for actions that she actually did) about her and I never had one single negative thing to say to our kids (the few times I was actually in contact with them and their Fog had lifted) about her.
Take the HIGH ROAD, Dude! You will NEVER regret it, I promise.
Harold