Hi Everyone,
I feel so foolish! I have been with the same man since I was 17. A virgin. He was/is my one and only. We dated for 3 years and I have been married to him 14 years this last June. We have two girls, 13 and 5. 3 years into our marriage he had an affair with a dispatcher (he's a cop). Throughout the years, women have popped up (I have only found out about them because of internal investigations at his pd.) So, I have a lot of trust issues that will not leave me. He constantly reiterates that he is faithful now and hasn't done anything but I can't seem to let go of any of the distrust. I am considering divorce because I am so unhappy. It can't be easy for him either although I have a hard time feeling sorry for him because I have a hard time feeling that he is truthful still. We start counseling and book reading (trying new ways to improve the trust factor) only through my insistance. He doesn't initiate anything and would be fine if I never mentioned counseling again and just trusted him wholeheartedly. So would I, frankly. I am tired. You know the saying though, "the grass is always greener." I am still attractive but I am not considering divorce to be with anyone else, really. Just so that I can be done with the worrying and obsessing. I am sure others have been in my shoes and can tell me what was their experience with the kids, the divorce and thereafter. I think I just have cold feet over the big "D". I love him but I don't trust him.

Hi AJBRIS,

I am truly sorry you are in so much pain.

I know you are tired of trying to make things work, but you have to be working on the right things in the right way, I think.

Have you read Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs", his book "Lovebusters" as well as the corresponding workbook "5 Steps to Romantic Love"? My wife and I did as part of "His Needs, Her Needs" Class offered by a facilitator through our church. Great class to develop trust and to show each other unconditional love, but it takes a commitment from both spouses.

Gregg

<small>[ August 11, 2003, 11:53 PM: Message edited by: GreggC ]</small>

I do agree that people should look to improve relationships, but I know personally that if my wife had multiple affairs, I could never stay with her (in fact, I'm separating and divorcing her for having just the one), even though we have 5 year old daughter.

At the end of the day, we're all grown ups and have certain responsibilities. We are all old enough to take ownership of our decisions and should be ready to accept the outcome of them, good or bad. So in my case, wifey made a CHOICE to be with the OM instead of me. Whether she comes to regret it or not, I don't care. It was her choice and her decision, so she will need to live the consequences it if is a mistake.

So without being flippant, it comes down to whether you and your family would be happier for H and yourself to stay together (even if you can't trust him and probably bear emotional scars that have hardened you to him), or whether in the long run you and the kids would be happier.

But it's a huge decision and needs to be done on rationale and not feelings.....I can appreciate how so very difficult it is to do this. The way I did, was to do things and be around things/people that made me happy/laugh. By being hapy, it suppressed the negative emotions and made it easier to think logically.

I am in the process of separating partly because of my W's multiple affairs which were confessed over many years, each time indignantly denying there were anymore, but I think mainly because I cannot trust her anymore. I believe there are even more and my counsellor agreed this is likely. The pain from all of this at one point almost became too much to handle. It still hurts beyond anything I could have imagined.

It seems to me that if the WS can't understand that they have almost or totally destroyed the trust the BS had in them by their lies and dishonesty then they need to use some common sense and sit back and imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. Would they be able to just forget it and go on? Would they not expect, if not demand, that you did absolutely everything you could do over a long period of time to rebuild that trust i.e. whatever it took?

If trust cannot be rebuilt, in my opinion there is no marriage, just two unhappy, probably depressed, people living together, and that makes no sense.

Good luck with it.

<small>[ August 13, 2003, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: 952 ]</small>

I can relate to your feelings...However, I hung in there and my WW did not make near the effort..(her admission)...sadly, after 4 false recoveries..I was tired and so was she...so tired that she got herself arrested and a court ordered NC toward me...Ironic..anyway, she says she is broken and ready for a new beginning....OK...but guess what, the new beginning is going to be painful as well and not as easy as she may think...so...all she really had to do was be a willing participant to repent and reconcile...However, after no counseling, no reading and no plan of action, repeated lies, repeated contact and on and on...she must now reap what she has sown...sadly she is dragging the rest of us with her...(me, 3 kids)...but, I have gained some renewed self respect and refuse to let her continue to emotionally abuse me when the writing is on the wall..I have read, counseled and implemented the actions on this site as well as others...It does require TWO willing partners to be successful...God Bless and good luck...the resources here will help greatly..

I made a commitment for life, too. We have four small children: why would I leave him? He is it.

Unfortuneately, I think he knows that, and he could have an affair knowing I am committed to marriage. Great. It's like living with a disability for the rest of your life -- and why? -- for some fun for several months?

My therapist recommended a book called The Solo Spouse. As I said, it's different from Harley. I have withdrawn -- no touching, no sleeping in bed with me, no going to church or anywhere else together, limited conversation. This protects me emotionally while he decides if it is worth it to put effort into our marriage. I have come to the realization that it takes two to make a marriage. I can't put extra effort to make up for his lack of interest and initiative.

Tom said two nights ago that he will go to marriage counseling. That's a step. I'm very skeptical, too. Consider getting the book from the library.

<small>[ August 15, 2003, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>