Well, I am finally angry! When H first wanted out, I was very surprised and very very hurt <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

We did the back and gone again a couple of times, he did not know what he wanted. H had A while moved out (co-w). The remorse!, wants back in. Then confused, wants out! Gets back with OW. Remorse again, breaks up with OW, goes to live w/friend to "figure things out." After a couple of months of being gone, H wants to date me, then wants to come back. Says he hates himself, very ashamed of himself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Unfortunatly, I love him, don't know why...wish I could hate him. Too many good years, no bad times except now.
I sometimes believe he has been possessed! This is not the person I have spent the last 19 yrs with.
I (with great trepidation) let him move back. Things start out OK.... OW transfers out of state. Trust...? H can't understand why I can't trust him. Says I treat him like a child, always checking his cell phone, etc. (no calls to OW). BUT he has 2 other female "friends" from work whom are always calling and asking for help, checking on him to see if he is ok... and who knows what else.
I tell him that if he really wants to try and work things out, he must stop all contact with "friends". He says," Just Friends, no worrys". (Won't even go there and tell him so...) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
H says he will tell them to stop calling and he won't call them either... I had to check phone, and you guessed it...calls...
I tell him that he is more concerned with their feelings than mine. If he has anymore contact, I will file for divorce.. can't take this anymore!
H gets mad and turns into a clam... (as usual)

Of course there is contact. I tell him it's over. I feel totally drained. I want to at lease part friends so our 2 boys don't have to feel like taking sides or worry about inviting us both to special events. He agrees. We have been each others best friends up til now.

Agree to stay in same house until arraingments can be made. Agree to respect me, no relationships while he is still living at house. Get along GREAT! H has applied for transfer for a promotion, says he needs to get away from me and "friends" from work. This sounds like a good idea to me. Please go and find yourself. Figure out what you need, who you are.

Through this whole messy thing, I have had one rock to hold onto, his honesty. He never hid ow from me. Completely honest in feelings (as he understood them). Honest about needing to talk to 'friends' who know about A.

Durning the bad moments, I keep telling myself I am willing to let him go... it's ok, it's ok...

Happen to notice H cell phone bill on desk. DON'T LOOK, you are getting divorced, it doesn't matter anymore!

I looked. Well, here is a bit of advice, don't just check "call log" on cell--- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ---check bill. H back in contact with ow for a couple of weeks now. After big blow up. Find out one of the transfers is to her location. What happened to "no hurting" --- Just wait for divorce?

H says that I hurt myself by looking at his bill (maybe right) however, deal said no contact! He broke his word. NOW I AM FINALLY ANGRY! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> It has taken a long time to get mad... (I am usually quick to anger, don't know what happened with this situation. I think I was numb...in denial...shock...?)

I tell him to get out. H says he has no place to go... I don't care. Sleep in your truck... "You broke the deal" Why didn't H just wait a couple more weeks? after he left and divorce was filed. I would be able to take one step forward each day. Get on with my life.

I am glad I finally got angry. Now I know I will be ok. Feeling sorrow and loss for the man he used to be. The life we had. The past. Now, however, I need to think about my future and look at it as an adventure!

Wow, who am I? what do I want? These are some big questions. I know I will be just great. I am a survivor and I do have to thank H for making me so indepentant and ensuring I know how to take care of the car, house, bills, change a tire, and everything else I may need to do. I feel really good about the exciting challenge ahead. I can't wait until he leaves (he is living in the camp trailer for now) so I can start to make changes to my life and house. ( I want to make our bedroom, MINE!!) paint, new furniture, and whatever else I want.

Only one problem now, he has started to be really nice. Calls me and asks how I am doing. Checks to see if I need anything. Offers to fill my car with gas (I hate to do this.) We have agreed to be friends so if he asks me and the boys to dinner, we go. H jokes and talks and shows me respect by holding the door and asking my opinion. I wish he would STOP! This is what I wanted from him before. Now that he has asked for a transfer, we are getting divorced, he starts to treat me special?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I only hope his transfer comes through soon. I don't want him to get the one to ow's location. He also put in for other locations. I still love him deeply, just don't trust him.

I let him come back 3 times already. H just acted as if nothing had changed, no discussions about what happened. Counceling not an option (for him!) I went... helped me alot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I kinda feel like, "go...find out how you truly feel...and if you really want me, then you will have to compete with any other men out there who are interested in a 35yr old professional with GREAT paying job! (promotion 3 months ago), Good looks and fun to be with!"

From what I can tell in reading your story, I think you let him come back too easily. I made my H wait 3 months of him pursuing me like crazy and me backing WAY off before I let him come back. It seems to have worked too--he has been back over 2 years now and we are doing great. We will have our 23rd anniversary in Sept. Really, I never thought he would ever come back--when he left he wanted a divorce and had this young chick he was pursuing (she was around 15 yrs younger).

Below is the link to my saga. It is pretty lengthy but I think there may be some tips in there you can use.

It really wasn't till I was backing off that things happened--we were in the "friends" (and actually occasional lovers)stage for over a yr. and I hated the limbo. When my H found out I was maybe not going to be on the "back burner" for him he totally panicked.

Carol

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=014880;p=1#000002

My X did the same thing, left then came back. Saying he would leave MOW alone. All he did was change his time of seeing her. Before it was on duty as cop, then it started before work. I felt like a fool trying to make our M work. I told X me or her he walked that night. I dont have to worry about taking him back. The love is gone he is nothing more than a stranger to me, our son doesnt want him home or see him anymore. Our son says he doesnt remember dad anymore and no longer talks about him. You can only kick someone so long then they have no feelings for you. I did repaint our home the way I liked it. It does help to keep busy and take your mind off cheating H. I dont think about X and MOW anymore. Its now about me and my son. In time you will get over the hurt, it does turn to anger but dont let it control your life. I thank God he let me see what kind of H I had and to go on with my life.

Carol,
I am so thankful that you responded to my message. Your story was very helpful and inspiring. I do love my H. He has also said that I am controlling and that is why he wants out. I know I am not perfect but I will quit looking at myself as the problem.

I have also kept a journal through this ordeal. A friend suggested it and at first I wondered why I would want to remember any of this but it has been good therapy to write down my thoughts and feelings.

I have always been afraid to make an ultimatum; afraid he would take it and leave. But now that I am willing to consider living on my own, it is time for him to figure out what he wants. I truly believe that he needs to experience life on his own. I have always taken care of everything. He needs to see what real life is like.

H will also keep feelings inside. In the past, I accepted this from him but no more. I don't want to go back to the way we were before. (not that it was bad) I want more! Better communication. Trust.

I have not read Divorce Busters but will be stopping at the book store on the way home!
I am also interested in this "coach" thing. Did this concept come from this website? I feel a small glimmer of hope inside and want to try anything at this point. Besides, I know it will also be a time for me to get to know myself better and improve some aspects of my life.

Thanks so very much. (did you ever tell H about "coach"?)