Dear All:

I have been visiting MB for perhaps as much as six months. It has been very helpful. I really haven`t found any site to compare so hats off to whoever maintains all of this. Great work!

My signature lines tell the basic story. I am just another wayward husband who deeply regrets his infidelities and wants so very much to restore his marriage. I am also a father of two great children who are also doing their share of suffering. My x-wife moved out back in February and our divorce was official in April. After I confessed my physical infidelities way back in June 2002, there was never any other option for her; no real discussion, no weighing of our all the factors regarding our marital history; etc. In her view, the marriage was over, period. Perhaps her firm decision was also helped along by a new relationship which she "immediately" formed after my confession.

Lately when I see her though, I can see she is really suffering. Here are some recent paraphrased "quotes" from my x-wife:

"For twenty two years, I was just your test bunny."

Referring to her new relationship: "he doesn`t really care about me, I am just his sex bunny."

"I can never trust any man ever again."

"I am meant to live my life alone."

"I know that you will be faithful to your next woman because you have learned your lesson, but you could never be faithful to me"

"No man could ever be 100% faithful to me."

"If you could have been unfaithful to me when I was 35, slim and trim, how could you possibly be faithful to me when I am 55, wrinkled, and round?"

"If we would return together, what kind of social life could we possibly have?, all our friends and family are on your side!, You would visit them and I would stay home."

These statements above describe well my x-wife`s current thinking.

All I want at this stage is for us to begin talking. There is so much left unsaid. I believe that our marriage could be restored through counselling, but she remains reluctant to take this step.

But I am also reluctant to pursue her; ie, to buy her flowers, to write her notes, to call her; to keep pushing this counselling. The fact is that she still has another man in her life and until that relationship experiences a natural death; I have resolved to just stay in Plan B.

At the same time, I see many little signs all the time that we could work things out. It just takes time I guess. Am I in denial? Should I just move on and take all that she has done (new relationship, moving out, and divorcing me) at face value? Should I just accept that my infidelities forever destroyed any possibility for me to ever meet her emotional needs. My x-wife states that infidelity is a black and white issue: (If you cheat just once, it`t the street you dunce!) Nonetheless, why do I keep seeing those shades of grey? What a dilemma is life!

Looking for good MB advice.

Still standing in Finland

I would suggest that after each encounter, you write her a little note, not long, just to thank her for the conversation, tell her how you understand and feel similar pain, and that if she needs someone to talk to that you will always listen. . .

and think about how she would respond if you told her about this site, and how it helped you see yourself for whom you are, and that it helped you see yourself. . . and keep the topic about you, not about her in any way. . . that is for her to conclude. . . and maybe she will become educated and learn that forgiveness of herself is also possible.

good luck,

just be a supportive and conversational friend

wiftty

Your ex-wife sounds depressed and very lonely.
I know I felt that way for awhile after my divorce. Its hard to be the BS. You lose all sense of yourself, who you are. Everything you felt about yourself all of your self esteem is gone. You feel very ugly, unwanted, alone, you feel that you will be alone forever. I'm sure that had I not found marriage builders right away I probably would have divorced my ex after the first affair. Probably would have found someone to take the edge off of the pain. But instead I had this place to go and to learn and to know his affair wasn't about me but about his problems. Even so after the second affair and I was strong enough to finally say enough I still had the same feelings your ex does. I hate to say this but you need to take a look at yourself for some of the way she is feeling.

Jill

Hi Jill:

You are so right. And I do feel responsible for the pain my x-wife is feeling. I try very hard to stand in her shoes. I am guilty as charged and I have accepted the sentence of divorce. There is no excuse for infidelity, none. I only hope that she one day will recover enough to feel Love and trust again for someone who will Love and trust her back. I truly want happiness for my x-wife even if I cannot be part of her "Love life" any longer. I am thankful that I did get to share 22 years with her; that`s a quarter of her life. No wonder she feels so low, so betrayed, so hurt. She invested herself into what she thought would be a life long relationship with me. I completely let her down and changed her whole perspective on the world; from one of belief to mistrust. I hope someday she will be able to forgive and move on.

Standing in Finland