I feel a little funny bringing this subject up but.... I need to know.

Oh my, Here goes.. it's been awhile and I miss it and I have had thoughts of just having stbx come over for that purpose. How sick!

Sex is the reason we're in this mess in the first place.

But I have gotten close to calling him for other reasons and then have him come to the house and you all know what comes next. I know this would not be a good idea but why can't I use him for my selfishness.

Has anyone done this? Was it a bad thing? Did it make things worse?

I really know the answer to my own question but I long to be held. I will not do this for I know it will probably not be good for my recovery. I don't want to save my marriage and this might give him false hope.

I'm assuming he would be a willing partner he might not want anything to do with me. Ouch,that would hurt! I'm not sure what I'm asking and if I'm out of line let me know.

Just want your thoughts!

LJ

lj,

I wouldn't do it. I'm just speaking from experience here. After I had sex with my who at the time was my stbx I felt very low. I mean here I was good enough for sex but then he went back to his happy little life and I was left alone again. I know the need is strong especially after being married for so long but think really , really hard before doing this.

Jill

LJ,
I know EXACTLY how you're feeling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Things are going good between my WH and I. But, I don't know if we'll recover. He'd have to do A LOT of changes. (Which he hasn't, BTW)

But sometimes I just want to feel his arms around me and ......well you know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

BUT I choose not to. Eventhough it SOOOOO hard.

I don't want to feel like the OW as long as he's still with his OW. You know what I mean? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ August 12, 2003, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: STBXWife ]</small>

I too understand from a man's perspective. However, I have no desire to be with my ex. I put way too much of my heart into the person I make love with, to be intimate with her. Besides, she has several men to give her that fix, I will never allow her to use me again in any fashion.

My trouble stems from the 'availability' of my dates. It is intensely disconcerting to know that except for my own resolve, sexual frustration would not be an issue at all. Thus far, I have not met anyone that I would be interested in for more than a date. However, I am deathly afraid of myself should I meet a woman that I become drawn to.

Stay strong... you would be causing so many more problems for yourself than you would be helping.

<small>[ August 12, 2003, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

I agree with everyone above. You should just call him to fix things are give information. But to get involved in sex, set your boundaries. Don't put yourself to his low scum life.

Honestly, this is hard, and when a woman is starting into her hormonal changes with peri-menopause, the sex desire changes. I know, I was wanting my husband, and used him, and feel bad about it now. I understand more and more about the hormonal thing, and it was positively driving me crazy. I was like a guy says, horny, and it was driving me crazy.

If you have the desire to have sex, do it SOLO. Then you don't have to incorporate your husband into your emotional status.

Now that I am divorced, there is no desire for sex with him. Cause the emotional status is not there. I would have to be dating and he would have to be pursuing me. But that is not happening and therefore sex is not important. If and when I find someone to have future sex with, there will have to be the emotional bond first. And of course the marriage will come first, before sex. I will never have sex with a man before marriage. I will not put myself to my xhusband low scum life.

I forget the name of the actor that is divorced and she had a show about getting sex solo. And how it is not inappropriate, and so on. She was frank and dealt with questions. I think it was on Oprah. She is the one that had twin girls. I still am at a loss of memory.

I agree with FC. Another thing... if you do this, it'll probably end up meaning more to you than it will to him. If you're not careful, it's going to be easy for you both to "use" each other this way... and after the divorce - will it continue? If yes... why are you divorcing again? Obviously there's some attraction and compatibility right?

I am however going to disagree with the tone of "using" and "being used" in this thread. You're both consenting adults right? He made some really crappy decisions, maybe you did too. But, going into this knowing the consequences of your actions and still deciding it are very different than "being used".

Here's why you MIGHT regret it:
- You'll feel dirty.
- It'll mean more to you than it will to him and you'll regret it.
- It'll complicate your divorce and post-divorce sex life.
- If it's really really good (and it MIGHT), you might open yourself up to trust someone you already have decided is not trustworthy... therefore, you'll feel like you've let yourself down.
- Doing this and KNOWING that he's still involved with others might make you wonder what the difference is between you and his lover(s). Is this a boundary you are ready to confront?

Now, here's why you might. BTW, I did. And the last nights before we separated were, ahem, amazing. I have beautiful memories of that. I'm glad it ended that way. HOWEVER, a month later when I heard her telling everyone and when she finally said it to me that I had used her for one last quickie blah blah blah DID HURT... A LOT!!! I countered with the simple truth... "You were there just as much as me. I have beautiful memories of us, together, making love, NOT arguing, and I'm not going to let you taint it. You and I, we know the truth. You're going to tell people whatever you want to. Good-bye." and I hung up.

I often think about it, about her, and I remember how beautiful she was, and all the 1000s of little things that I know her lover never saw; that she never saw. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly gloomy and doom-ridden, I can remember those times and I'm overall more glad for them than regretful.

I can relate, I miss my W so much, but I also am angry at myself for compromising my self respect so many times...I long to be held by her and hold her...to smell and taste her again..(sorry)...I am apprehensive to even think about someone else currently...While the urge is there, I somehow feel it suppressed because I do not want to sleep around....I too want much more meaning, but that means a relationship and I can not even fathom that currently....so, do not do this and deceive yourself....I suspect you would feel bad...I did, and we were supposed to be in recovery...besides, you do not know where that person has been...my WW has proven her propensity to lie and put my very life in jeopardy....not to mention her own..

I've thought of the same thing, but realize that I would feel really bad about it. When he said he wanted to split, I was sad to realize the last time we made love, was really the LAST time.

I am more likely to turn to someone else for "just sex". Here's how I see running the ad:

Roommate wanted. Qualifications:

" Must be tall, with muscles and in good health.
" No blond hair or blue eyes.
" Must be reasonably clever, and a good conversationalist.
" No smokers, druggies.

" Preferred candidates will not have facial hair, or shave areas where they are supposed to have hair.

Responsibilities
" Provide conversation, companionship, massage.
" Pick up after yourself.
" Occasional bodyguard, as needed.
" Act respectable on public outings two nights a week
" Provide sex (and it you're not done till I say so)
" Eat what I cook, and if it's good, say so. If it's not, be charming anyway and we'll go out to eat.
" If you can't ride horses, you had better be really good at the other stuff.

Naturally, I am not really going to run the ad. I realize it's not a smart thing to do-- but it sure would solve some problems for me!

It's so nice to know I wasn't the only one thinging about these things.

I know you are all right I was just thinking of my selfish needs. In the long run it would not be worth it because it would make me sad and would just damage all the baby steps I have already taken.

I had the rug pulled out from me so I never had the finals of anything meaning I wish I knew the last time was the last time. Maybe not! After being together for so long it feels weird not finalizing us, it just ended. I feel like I was thrown off a moving bus and never got to say goodbye.

We do talk but very little and never about those things just what needs to be said bills, kids. It's sad that all the years to build a relationship and family are over just like that. It's still very hard for be to believe because doesn't these things happen to other people. NOT ME!

Thanks for your words of wisdom and I promise to behave!

LJ

LJ, I'm one who continued to have sex with my S(someday)TBXH for 1.5 years after he left and moved in with MOW. I was so determined that the A wouldn't last, that WH would choose sobriety, his family, and his business, that I continued to let him come over during the day even though he returned to the MOW at night and on weekends. We even went to MC together, once before separation, then with Steve H. after separation, and then, after he accused Steve of being on my side, to another counselor, even to a weekend marriage retreat...

Since I'm sure MOW had no idea what was going on and I did, I felt like the "OW" since we were, in essence, sneaking around behind her back. It was not good and just prolonged the inevitable. He's still living with MOW, still not clean and sober, and I'm sure she's still none the wiser, though I tried once to clue her in through a letter.

Strangely, sex had been a big issue in our break-up too. My H stopped having sex with me when I got diagnosed with breast cancer two years prior to moving out. We had more sex after he left than we had for years and years.