I was just reading my posts that I have written tonight....Honestly, you wouldn't believe that I had a pretty good day today at work and at home.

I guess I am just so fed up with dealing with this man. I walk in the door to a message stating in this cheerful voice "I am calling again to talk to K and K and M. Just want to let you know I am keeping track of the times I call and you don't have them call me back." They don't want to call him...I am tired of this.

Then I go to ck my email...and he has written another derogatory email to me with lots of putdowns in it. I am sick of it.

Why won't he just go away? Anyway, hope I always don't sound this angry!!!! Thanks for listening to me vent. Pat

Hi Misery,

Understanding your anger. Write him an e-mail
and tell him in a nice way that the girls do
not feel like calling him at this time, and you are not going to make them, if it makes them
feel uncomfortable. Also tell him in a nice way
that you would rather him not call or e-mail if
he is going to make derogatory statements, because they make you angry and sad. Always tell
what you are feeling. "Such as I feel angry because you are e-mailing and saying derogatory things to me. If you can't speak in a kinder way, then you should not call here or e-mail here. And I would appreciate your honoring my request otherwise do not call or write."

If the girls do not feel like talking to him, that's all you really can tell him, and let him know that hopefully they will be able to tell him how they feel in thier time. Maybe they
feel sad. Maybe they feel angry. Maybe they
feel frustrated. Maybe they feel deserted. Misery ask your children how
they feel, and let them speak and you just listen, and hug if needed. This must be very
difficult for them also.

((((hugs of healing to you and children))),

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

I understand your kids are hurting and really don't want to talk to their dad...

but they should return his calls--even if just to say they got the message..they don't have to talk long..

It could be seen by the courts that you aren't giving them the messages and are trying to prevent him from seeing and talking to them..

And if you encourage them to at least return his calls he should stop harrassing you--and once you begin encouraging them to build that relationship
it takes you out of the middle..

My ex did the same thing..and I would explain to the kids, they need to at least return his calls
just say.."Hi dad, we got your message, we have been really busy--so what did you want to talk about?" he would say.."I just wanted to see how your doing? they would say..oh we're fine--and then dead silence--then well dad, we need to get..have some things to get done..talk to you later...bye love you..and hang up..

they felt they would be betraying me..if they called him back..and they struggled with this..
because he's their dad..and they wanted to talk to him too..but didn't want to hurt me..so try and encourage them to call..

Their relationship with him is seperate than your relationship with him...yes, he hurt them too by leaving, but they need to be able to tell him that
and the only way they can do that is by being learning to talk to him...

Dear Ladysheep,

I don't know how to respond to him anymore...I used to tell him my feelings...but he would just attack them. He doesn't want to acknowledge any damage that he may have done to me or the kids. I will try again tho. Normally, he just tells me "I don't give a d*** about what you are feeling..just grow up, and move on for the kids' sakes."

Dear ThornedRose,

I have encouraged them to call them. Infact, my daughter just came in and I told her again, "You really need to talk to your dad." Unfortunately, he has caused so much damage with them--they try to talk to him--but they can't. He doesn't listen and he just bulldoses over them. It is really sad. Alcohol plays a big part in this--but so does his ego. He will never be satisfied until the kids tell him that what he has done is ok....and they won't do that.

I brought my lawyer my oldest daughter's cell phone to listen to from her conversation with him last week. He couldn't believe it. He started out confrontational and argumentative. Then he got to weeping/sorrow poor me attitude, then he attacked her personally because she wouldn't tell him what he wanted to hear, then he called her back and left a sorrowful voicemail that was oh poor me again--and how much he loves her and wants all of her sisters and her brother to be "his best person at the wedding" and that he and his mistress just love them so much and have already purchased their bridesmaid dresses. It was really sad.

You never know what you are going to get with him. He is rational and pretty "normal" one minute and then the next day, he will use that information, twist it all around and then attack. It is really bizaare...and if you saw him in person, you would never believe he could treat people like this. But he does.

He went to interview on base and had the best credentials and blew the interview not only because of what he did to us-but also because of his grandiose attitude. Someone from the base told me it was really bad.

The kids are trying to protect me...but they are also trying to protect themselves from having to deal with him. Pretty sad situation. Pat

My friend got an email from him the other day...and she called me up so shook because he layed into her about a swimmeet. That message wasn't half as bad as the stuff I get from him.

Just my input....

Sorry you are getting these calls. I'm there on a regular basis. It's been three years since the divorce and I'm still the B[t@h....and the whatever.

As for the phone calls? I have a son living with him. I call and keep track of all the phone calls that go unanswered (all his calls MUST go through the answering maching --the kids are not allowed to answer the phone) -- and have taken it to court. The results? "Ms. Elan, your children are old enough to pick up the phone and call you. If they don't wish to, sorry." The End.

So...from being on the other *side*, I can imagine the frustration he must feel with the kids not calling .. and yes, I can also understand the anger this man puts forth to you in emails and phone calls. It's hard to come up with a viable option/solution. One that I implemented was to give the kids each an email that dad can write to. The other was having a phone night when the kids *had* to call dad. (remember, I have my kids split -- one with dad and one with me, so I know both sides of this story). The courts looked upon this favourably.

Now for you -- get yourself a tape recorder. I have and the abusive messages and conversations were held up in court. He was court ordered anger management (not that it helps) -- but even knowing that I am not *crazy* does help me cope with things. It's tough on the kids, but you can't change a person. What you can do is change your own actions.

(did I mention that this man has had me in court 42 times??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ha ha! but.... Believe me...in time they do find out who's the real parent in these kind of cases)

Best of luck to you m'dear! You will do just fine! (by the way....get yourself a little diary (even a kids one)...daily record what happens -- girls telephoned daddy...time etc. This too helps in court. If you make it a habit, it's easy to do and you have a record).

(((((((((MNM)))))))))

I'm so sorry for all that you have to go through. Your right its not fair and you and your children deserve better. Hopefully in time things will get better. I really don't have any great words of advise but I know your pain.

Your older daughter is great! See you have something to be proud of she stepped up to the plate. Kids are great! I just wanted you to know NEVER apoligize for venting thats why we're here. Vent away!!

Hang in there! (((((( ))))))

LJ

Hi Misery,

I'm wondering if your lawyer could request supervised visits and phone calls. What do
you think. If lawyer can prove that his
visits and phone calls are unhealthy emotionally
for children, I'll bet the judge will order
supervision immediately. You told us you already
let the lawyer listen to phone call that was emotionally terrible for child. I vote to fight
for supervised visits and phone calls only!!!!

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Pat, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. My WH is also an alcoholic, but fortunately, we have no kids togehter. Until I got a restraining order and changed my phone #, cell #, and e-mail address I was constantly subjected to the kind of calls your daughter is getting. No wonder she doesn't want to talk to him.

Have you ever attended Al-Anon or taken your kids to Alateen? Al-Anon has really helped me through all of this. MB is great, but the problems dealing with an alcoholic are unique and have a lasting impact on kids who grow up in an alcoholic family.

Thank you for the posts...am doing better today.

Got home and no emails and no phone messages....Yeah!!!

Elan...42 times? Over what? Oh, I hate the thought of that. I used to have a diary..which kinda got lost in the house somewhere. I used to write what happened every night in it...good and the bad.

Luckily this time I had jotted down everything on my desk calendar.

Now I have started recording everything every night on the computer. I am going to have to back it up tho--I think I have some kind of worm or something on this thing...and I am afraid my computer may eventually crash. My anti-virus is picking it up--but I don't know how to get rid of it.

Bless you...I can't believe you have had to put up with this for 3 years. I am hoping mine will finally get the picture and just leave us alone. I doubt it tho. I knew he would be like this if he left us and I am not being proven wrong.

lj1122

Thank you for the hug. Sometimes I just let him get to me...and it is hard to extract myself the mess. I am doing much better today. Thanks Pat

Ladysheep,
I did want supervised visits when we were going through the divorce because of his increase in alcohol consumption, anger management and living immorally with his girlfriend--couldn't get it because we never took it to court--my lawyer's idea. They threw out the restraining order, they threw out the kids' testimony, so right now--I don't have anything on him...except for not bringing the kids home the other night and trespasssing in my home.

I did purchase a tape recorder--but so far, I can't get it to work on the phone. I am not very technically minded. I will try to get it to work this weekend. I did try to use it to tape record the messages on my daughter's cell phone--but it wouldn't record it. It was so frustrating. There must be a way to record cell phone conversations.

LetSTry,

No, we haven't gone to Alanon or any of that. I have the books tho. I haven' been able to afford counseling for the kids unfortunately, or for myself in a long while for that matter. I don't know how this will affect them in the long run. They are great kids...and I hate what he has done to them and me. Luckily, they all have pretty good friends---but I know they are hurting. I am amazed that he doesn't see it. He blames me and them for all his problems. It is so sad. How can someone dilude themselves that bad? I don't know or understand. I wish he would get help. Thanks again Pat

Well Pat,

I haven't posted in a while to you as I really want to take the 2x4 after you!!!!!!But then in tonights post you said something that I've been wanting to say and haven't found a nice way to do it!!!

Sometimes I just let him get to me...and it is hard to extract myself the mess.

I've not been in your shoes, I've not had to deal with a [censored] of the nature of your xH. But that is what he is your xbutthead. And from the outside looking in I can say this "STOP LETTING HIM CONTROL YOUR LIFE!!!!" Not easy I am sure but find away. Your sanity and the health of your children depend on it!!!!

Did you get the child support problem cleared up? Did you go to DFAS?

Pat, You know me and I am not saying these things to be mean, by no means is that my intention. My intentions is to push you into the right direction in getting something done for your sake, I am tired of him having control over you and the kids!!!!! I don't want you to continue to suffer at his hands, you've come so far this past 2 years, get over this last hurdle. Get over him!!!! He is not worth this!!!!!

Just my 2 cents worth from one friend to another.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 14, 2003, 08:34 PM: Message edited by: daybreak ]</small>

Thanks Dawn,

I know that is the truth....in some ways it is good to be back at work...because I can escape this mess.

I have been trying...I put his tools out (which he didn't pick up, I went to the lawyer, I drafted a great reply--if I do say so myself on all his allegations, I finally went to the police and filed trespassing charges and also went back and filed incident reports in town and where he lives when he refused to bring back the kids. So, I am finally getting some control back---but the emotional aspect of it is not as easy for me.

He knows how to hurt me and the kids...and he has done a good job of that the past few weeks. That is the part I have to let go of. I need to expect that he will always be capable of treating us like that, not be hurt and surprised when he does and let it go. I know that--but it sure is hard to do. My guard goes down when I am tired and stressed too--and that is when he seems to attack. The financial problems are really worrying me and I have gotten the forms from DFS--just need to get an hour or so to fill them out. I will definitely do that this weekend. He is supposed to have the kids again.

Tomorrow I am supposed to put his tools out again...and if he doesn't pick them up--they are mine.

I know Dawn...I have been whining....

Should have recognized that I have been PMSing....

Has anyone else had this problem?..... I kind of just up and quit having my period last November...a few hot flashes and that was it. I have been checked out and everything seemed to be ok. Last month out of the blue, when I started driving to Albuquerque, I started my period--and it lasted for 3 weeks. Yesterday, I started again--and I don't think I have ever had such a hard period. I can hardly move without flooding...it is kind of embarrasing. On top of that, I have the worst headache--I almost feel nauseated. My whole body feels like I have been hit by a truck. This is weird. Probably not a good topic for this--but....has anyone else had this problem?

Thanks Dawn...I will get back on track...just a little set back here for awhile. It was great having no contact with him today tho.

Pat, I will reply in a minute have to run across the street and seee mom quick!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pat,

I am back!!! Had to drop some stuff off with my parents for them to take to town tomorrow for me!!! It's great living across the street!!! I go to the bank tomorrow to buy my house from my dad!!! Yipee!!! Having family close has been a godsend!!!

I am glad that you took my post in the intentions that I wrote it!!!

I just hate seeing your strength falter when he choses to push your buttons. And that he does know how to do, he was the one that you loved and spent 22 years with!!! That is the part that hurts the most for me, he knows me intimately, my warts, my secrets everything!!! I am lucky that he doesn't try and use it against me most of the time!!!

So the thought would be, how are YOU not going to let him push your buttons when HE IS IN ONE OF HIS MOODS? Set up a plan, play the "what if" game. Prepare yourself not to react, be active!!!! He and bimbo are going to be in your life for awhile yet, YOU can continue allowing him to push your buttons or YOU can button push proof yourself. Know what I mean?
This is a quote from Just peachy in her update Post tonight and thought that it fit your situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I must admit. My sister told me this bit of wisdom. "If you remove yourself from the equation, then his negativity will be displaced to another place in the equation...Displaced to the OW". It is sooo true.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good night!!!! I don't start back to school til the 21st UGH!!! Am not ready at all!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Misery,

How ya doing?
Probably not a good topic for this, but....has anyone had this problem?
Well I'm having this problem, have been for
2 months straight non-stop bleeding. It did
start out as periods being very, very heavy,
the led to non-stop bleeding. Mine is fibroid
or polyp on my uterus (endometrium lining). Was supposed to have surgery Wed., to have it
removed, Dr. sent me home cause I drank 2cups
of coffee. I think that was an excuse though.
I'm wondering if you are in menopause. How
old are you? You should get a gyneocologist,
sounds like these are the beginnings of some
problems there. 3-weeks of bleeding isn't
normal. Was your period last month the usual
amount of days? Extra strength midol does
help if you are in a lot of pain.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Hey Pat!!

Forgot to address this last night but I too have had problems with the period. Ended up at the hospital, thought I was losing the whole insides everytime I stood up. They gave me a B12 shot and put me on birthcontrol pills again. Now I bleed enough for a pad daily, will get into Dr next week before school starts, this isn't normal even if it is menopause!!! UGH!!!

Isn't it good to know that your not alone yet again?!!!!! I keep thinking, there is no guy stupid enough to date a women in menopause!!!And I just turned 41 last week!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

daybreak:

---I too have had problems with the period. Ended up at the hospital, thought I was losing the whole insides everytime I stood up. They gave me a B12 shot and put me on birthcontrol pills again. Now I bleed enough for a pad daily, will get into Dr next week before school starts, this isn't normal even if it is menopause!!! UGH!!!--

I had this same problem years ago..went to a specialist and he gave numerous things it 'could' be..and suggested I have a DnC--so I went in and had that done..haven't had the problem since..

Thorned,

A D'n C was suggested and maybe where I go as things have lightened up but not stopped.

Thanks for the thought!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks guys,

Good to know I am not the only one. Yesterday was really awful. We were in meetings all day--and I had to keep getting up to change. Even that didn't help at one point.

Today it is heavy, but not as bad. Last month was my 1st period since Nov--and that is the one that lasted for three weeks.

I am 48--almost 49--so I guess it is about time. They had put me on birth control pills a few years ago because my periods were so irregular then. Last Nov tho I ran out of pills--you know how the AF is with supplies--and I couldn't find the time to get out to get a new supply. My period never started--so, I never did go back on. I had a few hot flashes last Dec--but nothing major. Got checked this spring and everything seemed fine until this last month.

I took some vitamins today and tried to drink lots of water. I was so busy at work--didn't have time to even think--much less get to the doctor. Maybe it is a cyst...

Good to hear I am not the only one going through it tho.

I got home from school today and my 12 year old is sobbing. She said she had called her dad all day yesterday, and all afternoon to tell him that she wanted to go to a friend's sleepover birthday party tonight. She was so distraught when I got in at 5. She said "Dad won't answer his phones and I want to go to the party. I hate him..." She was upset because she didn't have a present/card etc. I got her to settle down, called her father's cell and told him that she really wanted to go to her friend's party. I told him I was going to run and get a present and then let her go. I told him he could call her at the friend's house to make arrangements to pick her up tomorrow. He didn't answer or call me either.

I called my lawyer to see if I should still put his tools out since he hasn't paid any of his child support. Of course, my lawyer still wasn't in the office. (I have tried calling him all week.) His partner couldn't/wouldn't give me any advice--so I put the tools out. He came picked up my son, said he didn't know about the birthday party--and I told him I didn' t either until yesterday. He said it was ok--he picked up his tools and asked for the boat reg/title. I gave that to him.

I asked him about the child support--he said he doesn't have any money. Then I told him he would have to buy the kids' school supplies, because I don't have a credit card. So, he said he would do that. He wrote a check out to me for $200...I asked him where his retirement check went--and he said that he had to cover his bounced check for child support last month with it. GREAT!!!

I told him I would give him the boat carpet and seats when he brings back my skiis, vest and gloves. Seems fair to me...he seemed to agree.

His bimbo drove up just then. How I hate her and him for what they have done. How evil is that whole relationship. I can't believe that he doesn't see what he has done. It is such a shame.

Sorry this is so long.

I think I am going to have to spend the whole day at work tomorrow....too many meetings today to get organized. STress, stress, stress....

I had to laugh--the AF sent me a report on my health status--they said that my stress level was way too high and that I should see my health care professional for counseling about it....Duh!!! Have a great Friday evening. Pat