Hello,

I have a pretty long thread going already entitled
My wife has no more hope , but I thought I would start a new topic, because this is a very specific topic/issue.

I have been separated from my wife for about 1 1/2 months now and living on my own in an apartment. This decision was my wife's idea, after I offered to move out. I agreed to do this if she was truly that unhappy and hopeless about our marriage The short story was due to unhappiness I was causing her, mostly my constant criticism, my lack of family leadership and pressuring by me to have needs met. Before moving out, I asked her, what she would want from me to be able to stay, to which she said she didn't think that anything would change the way she felt, just too tired from trying. I also asked her, "What do you think is going to happen to us?" She said, "We'll probably end up getting divorced” But she said that she thought it was important to be sure first by separating.

Since then, 99% of our interactions have been positive and loving. (The only affection has consisted of long goodbye hugs and her telling me that she missed me 3-4 times as we were hugging goodbye. We have about three conversations per week, and she has decided (her idea) to have one designated day (or part of a day) to get together and talk business or "just hang out" to use her words. I have showed her (because of my desire to) my constant study of God and His word, and we go to the same church and sing on the "worship team" (like a contemporary choir) and attend a prayer group together.

Anyway, even though we have had almost all positive emotionally close experiences together, I miss her deeply seeing her normally only once (twice at the most) a week. However, good experiences just the same. In her emails from work, she now has fairly consistently signed it...."Love, Kim", and has still occasionally called me "sweetie" and "hon” In the entire time since I started packing up to move out and now, there has not been one single word said about our relationship, how "we" are doing, or if she still thinks that we should get divorced.

Do I even dare bring up the topic of where we stand ; has she considered working on our marriage, etc? I am fearful of the day that she says that we should pursue a divorce. I am fearful that she will say that even though she feels that we are getting along well together and are even pretty good friends again, that she still wants a divorce. I am fearful that she will say that it's been x amount of time, and she still feels the same way. I am thinking that I should never be the one to bring this up first, because of what I might hear and also that it might pressure her more. She has had kind of a falling out with her mother, and I have been there for her (One day she called me up to talk to me about this.) Also, she has had a really rough 1 1/2 weeks at work emotionally.

Anyway what do you think? I am especially interested in whether God would want me to bring this up, as I have not gotten an answer yet. By the way, I have been adamantly using the restore ministries site, like Gentle and LoveMyEx.

Thanks,

Gregg

<small>[ August 14, 2003, 08:27 PM: Message edited by: GreggC ]</small>

Gregg... my opinion is that you are heading the right way and I would leave well enough alone. If she feels pressured in the least, then she will most likely retaliate. And if she feels that YOU are feeling 'too good' about things, she will very likely retaliate.

This is going to have to be you giving her time and she taking that time as she wants to. There is no telling what will happen, but you allowing her to choose is NOT going to change anything. She will make her decision... and the longer she is calling you 'sweetie' the less she is thinking A**hole. And that is a good thing. But be careful because I heard things from my ex that gave me hope, but were just slips of the tongue due to 14 years of togetherness. The last night we were together as a family, before my boys left for Colorado for a month... she slipped during dinner and called me "Daddy angel". Something she used to call me to the boys. I gained heart, but realized a few days later that she never even realized what she had said. She could have said 'Frank' for all the meaning she had said it with. (My name is not Frank)

I fear that if you say ANYTHING... you might mess it up. Is it fair for you to be strung along... NO. But you demanding, even by just asking may very well push her right out of the boat.

It sounds like she has gotten to a comfortable place. If she is Christian, perhaps with your heartfelt and deep down changes, over time, she will be able to trust them again. If you push her with wanting to 'know' I fear you will know, but NOT what you want. If she decides after 6 months that she still can't love you, then you will have spent 6 months hearing 'hon' rather than talking to a lawyer.

This is the time when all you have is TIME. Anything pressuring will most likely result in consequences counter productive to what you sound like you are desiring. I know, I in some ways pressured my ex at the very end, but I see now that I would have just been strung along, 'fixing up the house' until she would ask me to leave. The day she told me, she out of the blue said we shoud refinish the deck. heh heh heh... NO premeditation of getting everything you can get there! heh heh heh... but that is just who she is.

You, in my opinion, are in as good a place as you are going to get for the moment. You must let her be in control at this time. And you must just continue allowing her to be cordial and loving ON HER TERMS. You shouldn't be a doormat, but if NO OTHER MAN is in the mix... I would recommend just being available as she sees fit, but always letting her know that you would like more.

Perhaps... just out of the blue, bring her lunch and preface it saying that 'You just wanted to be with her for lunch. NO STRINGS' then prove it by being nice, non demanding, and LEAVING a little early rather than staying late. Make her wonder just what YOU are up to, but do it in the most loving way possible. Don't wait around for her to do the 'Goodbye' hug. Just say, I had a great time, clean up quickly, and lean over, kiss her on the cheek, quickly look her in the eyes... then turn and leave. She will see the confidence you have and the respect that you have for her. But also that you are willing to ask for a little bit of her time as well.

Just my thoughts, but DON'T pressure her! Don't make her tell you NO!!!

<small>[ August 14, 2003, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

HI GREGG,
I agree with Formerly Confused...
I think you both are best served by you just loving her and giving her the chance to REALIZE she still loves you.. which she obviously still does.. Keep it in God's mighty hands...

When you ask... you doubt... she's confused.... you need be confident and SURE you should stay married.
GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK

Thanks, FC and PH,

I kind of thought that I shouldn't bring it up. It's hard for people to understand this though. People think that "she needs to let you know what she wants", and all that. I even was talking to my pastor about being hesitant to even mention the relationship, and he said, "I don't see anything wrong about asking, "where do we stand", if you don't pressure her.'"

Thanks for your thoughtful responses. I will pray to the Lord to give me more patience and not bring this up, unless she does, and to just enjoy our time together and enjoy showing her the utmost kindness, no matter what.

Thanks for the advice about taking her lunch, Formerly Confused . Did you mean just showing up at her work out of the blue at lunchtime?

Thanks again

<small>[ August 15, 2003, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: GreggC ]</small>

Hi Gregg,

Gosh, it sounds like you are doing a terrific job so far. I also agree witht the others about not bringing up the status of the relationship yet. In some respects you two are building a new relationship here. Let it take it's course. I really don't think it will influence her decision.

She basically knows that you don't want the relationship to end so asking woud be applying pressure at this point. There will come a time when it will be right for you to express yourself and it may not be in the form of asking.

Keep being kind, patient and respectful.

You are basically working on two relationships here. One with her and one with the Lord. It is very human to be fearful of the outcome, however, God did not give us the spirit of fear. I don't remember the scripture right now. God is teaching you to trust him in this area. Anytime you have the need to express your fears, go to God. He will never leave you or forsake you. He will help you to grow stronger and that will be appealing to your wife in the long run.

Prayers and peace of mind!
Free

Thanks, Free.

Thanks for the awestome advice on this topic, Free, Frank, and Formerly Confused.

I'll continue updates on my thread on My wife has no more hope

Gregg

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 01:48 AM: Message edited by: GreggC ]</small>