I knew this would happen and it did. WH and I had a lunch conversation regarding my filing the upcoming divorce documents. I called the meeting. I felt like we were married too long to merely serve him with papers. I needed to have some communication and closure with him and he said he wanted to talk too.

So we met for lunch. I was as kind and gentle as I could be. He broke down but in a very calm way, not the fake act that I had seen in the past. He said he doesn’t want a divorce because he still loves me, he doesn’t want us or our kids to live like this, he regrets everything he’s done, he’ll regret what he’s done for the rest of his life, he can’t look himself in the mirror, he wants to fix things now but doesn’t know how, he has no one (except for OW who he now lives with), he’s destroyed himself professionally, he knows he messed up and tried to run from it rather than running towards me, his life began when he met me, he’s misses the kids tremendously, etc.

Problem is, I don’t want to be married to him anymore. He left me when I needed him most. I can’t envision living with him in the same house. He still doesn’t know how to communicate with me. I love him like I love a child, not a husband. I don’t respect him. I pity him. The only reason that I want him back now is to have help taking care of the children. That’s not going to last is it?

The false recoveries did me in. I’m no longer interested in being married. Sad, isn’t it?

DIJ

dueinjan,

I guess your plan B was a success then, if you read what plan B is for.

But I understand how you must feel after everything you've gone through only to have him finally come to his senses once your love bank is finally empty and you're ready to move on.

Yes it is sad, but it is him who took the chance of this happening. You now have to think of what is best for yourself and you children, and it sounds as if you have done that.

I wish you the best.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dueinjan:
<strong>I love him like I love a child, not a husband.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This resonated with me. For some reason, my ex-wife never seemed to "grow up". As the oldest child in a family where her alcoholic father was rarely around (and even more rarely "present") and where her mother was often in such poor health that she was essentially confined to her bed, my ex-wife had been compelled to take on a lot of responsibility (which didn't stop her from graduating college magna cum laude). When I married her, I mistook her sense of responsibility for a sign of maturity. But alas, she was emotionally stuck in adolescence.

Because I lived for so long with a woman who was so emotionally immature, I assumed that I would never consider marriage with a younger woman; if I ever remarried, I wanted an equal partner. So imagine my surprise to find myself "falling in love" with a woman fifteen years my junior, only to realize not only that she was already far more mature than my ex-wife had ever been, but that my own personal development had in some ways been so stunted through my marital struggles that I now found myself in almost a race to keep up with this younger woman. She is still very much her age, but she is growing so quickly that if I am ever going to have a chance with her (we are currently "just" friends, as she is not in "dating mode" right now), I'm going to have to make a concerted effort to keep stretching myself. Otherwise, by the time she starts thinking about prospective marriage partners, I fear I'll have been left behind and won't seem like much of a catch...

The idea of getting back together with my ex-wife - who has already taken several steps backward since I knew her - and of waiting for her to painstakingly work through her issues...well, let's just say that it's not very appealing. I'll always love her, I know, but...she is no longer my wife, and the gulf between us continues to widen as she remains stuck and I find myself experiencing a long-delayed "growth spurt". I'm not sure she could ever be an equal partner for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I'm no longer interested in being married. Sad, isn't it?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes.

My WW has not remotely made an effort to come back after having filed on July 24th...after 10 months of 4 false recoveries and no commitment from her...She would not participate in counseling, no reading, nothing...just wanted to be there...she managed to get herself arrested for domestic battery on me..(she called)...now she has a court ordered NC against me...a mandated plan B sort of...It has been healing and now all of her nasty tactics of the divorce...I have no respect for her in fact, my lave has depleted..I feel sorry for her and one of my fears is that she may want to reconcile..things are not going her way and she has destroyed three children, 21 yrs of marriage and thousands of $$$$...not to mention her self worth and integrity..she has become a chronic liar and I have zero trust in her....It is sad, she has blammed me for so much and yet I did so much to save us all..now, I am in this fight to win for my kids and myself...I will not finance her infidelity to the extent that I can avoid...I do not envision her prospering through her ill gotten behaviors...I too have grown so much, that I am ready to move on without her.....her loss and the loss of another family....

OH MY GOSH, I had to kick my husband out when I was 7 months pregnant with a 2 year old!

I know how you feel. If H could do that THEN, theres no way they'd be good partner through all of lifes ups and downs. What if I got cancer? or in a car accident?

I also feel the same way, I care deeply for my H... but ...

well I hope you are your kids are doing well. I have to say my kids are I are, sadly, better off now. My daugthter is 4 months old, my son is 2 years 4 months.

Thanks for your feedback everyone. A friend of mine said, "doesn't it feel good to have him regretful, sad and saying that he appreciates you more than ever"? But, "no" it really doesn't feel good. It makes me feel like "what a waste of a family" and "how foolish" he is. It also makes me feel like although he left me, I still will have to do the dirty work in concluding the marriage. I was willing for so long to take him back and it wasn't until he could sense that i was completely through that he perhaps had the freedom to look at what he had done.

I feel so similar to So Hurt - if he bails on me during pregnancy, he's going to bail on me during other life challenges. I'd rather have no one than someone who runs out when you need them the most. If you're alone at least you know what you're working with.

Ditto.

I was very sick during my pregnancy (toxemia) and almost died and was in 9 days. Gave birth to a preemie and the stress from that combined with the death of my father 9 mos. after my son was born probably made me very much a not fun person to be around.

Thus, he started going out a few mos. after my dad died and soon after, when son was almost a year and a half, had his first affair.

Sweet huh? wife almost died, child in nicu and a small preemie, father dies and you decide that your "wife just emotionally isn't there for you and that you've grown apart from her and want to start having sex with someone who "get's you""?

And when he met Family Values, he met her because he was dating/sleeping with HER ROOMMATE.

Can't wait until it happens to Family Values myself. I know, it's not faith minded to want it, but I do and am not ashamed to admit it.

It's a matter of time before the OP get it and come to know what it feels like although I seriously doubt their souls allow them to feel or understand that deeply.

Hi dueinjan,

You kind of knew he would do this, right?

What would you say to him if he committed to the marriage 100%, left the OW and agreed to IC and MC? How would you feel then?

What did you say when he broke down?

You do what you think is best for you and the kids.

I wish you the best of luck dueinjan. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi STBX. (how are you by the way????)

You ask,
What would you say to him if he committed to the marriage 100%, left the OW and agreed to IC and MC? How would you feel then?

Not interested right now. I really want to end it. I don't want to do the clean up. I've grown accustomed to this new lifestyle believe it or not. I couldn't trust him. I couldn't trust me not to want to throw him out as soon as OW was out of the picture. I'm tired of his problems, his issues, his inability to make friends.

Oh yeah, did I ever mention that he hit me when I was pregnant and confronted him and OW in his apartment? That's the thought I come back to whenever there is something that makes me want him back (i.e. seeing a family together with the children).

It wouldn't work now. Too much has happened. I'm starting to look forward to the future and whatever it will bring. I hate that I brought children into the world and then their family broke up. But I know that I did all I could do. I'm going to be the best darn single mother that I can be. Hopefully someday I'll meet a guy that I can love and trust and he can take part in our family too.