Dear friends,
I'm finally getting past some of the pain since my recent divorce. But, my kids continue to go through some emotional pain as their father doesn't call or come by to see them. He apparently doesn't have a job (he's married to a woman who can support him), and his mother tells me he probably won't call the kids until he has a job. ? Anyway, this is just a vent, as I can't understand how anyone wouldn't want to see their kids. His mother (my ex m.i.l. stays on him about calling the kids, but it doesn't help). I have let the kids know several times that they are always free to call him, but they don't seem interested. Should I be more insistent? This is REALLY hard, as I know my kids feel rejected and left behind. Thanks everyone, for listening, and I would love to hear from you all!
KK

((((((( kk2002 ))))))))

I'm so sorry your ex is doing this. It's so sad, when they get so preoccupied with their own lives and selfishness, and neglect the ones who really want them to care. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

My ex is doing the same, and isn't taking any steps to see the boys. Granted, in my situation, that's what's best for the kids. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

But your kids are old enough to call him if they want to. And since they don't want to... then I wouldn't force the issue. They are who matters... and they know that it's YOU who has been there for them all along. It's your ex's loss, it really is.

Karen

Thanks for your reply, Karen. I know that what we're going through is nothing compared to what you're being put through. I have kept up with your saga, and sorry I haven't posted. Have kept you in my prayers. Girl, you sound strong, and I just pray you'll continue to keep looking ahead to your future. God bless.
KK

KK----your kids don't deserve what is happening and it saddens me when families can't be families the way God intends. But WSs are full of shame, quilt and regrets. These become walls that keep loved ones from reaching out to each other.

I spent many years praying for my older son and his dad to have a decent relationship. They had personality conflicts and did not understand each other. They really made progress and it was so encouraging to see them interact as pals. BUT the infidelity has put a wedge/wall between relationships that should be close and supportive. I no longer pray for their relationship or do I do anything to "pull" them together. If a relationship is to happen, it is up to them to make it happen.
But my son is an adult. I do not know what I would have done if this happended when my kids were little.

My heart goes out to you moms who have to raise children and survive infidelity at the same time. I was hardly able to keep myself afloat much less small children.

Praying that your children will be able to understand the consequences of sin that has effected their dad and not take their dad's neglect personally.

TW

Dear Tossed Wave,
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I also believe it is my X's responsibility to maintain a relationship with my kids. I feel it is his job to call them, write them, email them, visit them...none of which he does. I try to let them know often that this is not their fault. They are learning to accept it, I believe.
Anyway, you have been though a lot also, and I'm sorry for that. May God bless you as you move forward.
Much love,
KK

Hey Kay - You sound like you are doing good... I am sure your kids feel rejected and that really bites - but there is nothing you can do about it... My ex is still seeing the kids once a week - but this weekend he saw them for the whole weekend - and he bought them stuff and they were ok with it... But I will say my feelings were a little miffed ... Sometimes I think it would be better if he would just go away... That way there wouldn't be so many fights between me and him - but I know in my heart that they are his kids and he is their father and they deserve a relationship with him... I have to accept that it is never going to be the relationship that I want them to have or better yet think they should have - but it works for them... He sees them on Fridays calls on Wednesdays and thinks he is wonderful.... And the girls have no desire to call him at all ever - and they don't seem to miss him... I know that I couldn't even go a day without calling them - but then again - that is probably why I am there with them and he is off living his single life... email me some time so we can catch up... Did you start school yet???

As a father and BS in the process of separating, and also as a person who's father left before I was 10 years old and who had minimal contact with us after that time, I can tell you that it does really hurt to lose that contact. It's very hard to forgive for a long time.

Personally I think that sort of behaviour is disgusting and self-centered. I certainly know that is not what I personally could ever do no matter what.

Hopefully things will change for them but if it doesn't, keep working with the kids. The worst thing one can do is severely criticize the other parent. As a child, I thought that was the most difficult thing to deal with.

One thing the loss of contact did do was make my siblings and me very self-reliant. In some ways we are better for it although it was very hard on my mother who was very upset by it, as you are.

Keep smiling. Not every father behaves so badly towards his own children. They are the innocent victims and certainly deserve better, but will survive and hopefully ultimately be stronger rather than bitter.

Dear MAW,
Thanks for the kind reply. We are all doing pretty well. It's really wonderful how the kids are SO resilient, and have picked up with their lives, are excited about school, love church, and everything is good for them. My life feels so different, and my bed feels so empty at night...but I am not feeling so down like I was before. I thought I would never get over the terrible feeling I had in the pit of my stomach for over a year, but I did! I am doing so much better, really, just a little lonely, and a little displaced. I know time and God will continue to take care of everything.
I will email you.
KK

952,
Thanks so much for replying. It is nice to get a guy's point of view on things. Sorry about your situation, and I pray it will get better for you.
My kids are surviving and moving on, and will be all the better for it. They are excited about school starting, new church activities, and many things. They seldom bring up the subject of their father, and when it does come up, they go on to other topics and don't dwell on it. I don't know how healthy that is, but they seem otherwise happy.
I don't badmouth my ex in front of them, and continue to encourage them to call him. Maybe one day he will try to rebuild their relationship. Who knows?
Thanks again for replying and God bless you.
KK

i wanted my ex to back off with the custody issue, we have joint now, however he is remarried, i think maybe he will back off now slowly. then i wonder how much that will affect daughter, after having so much contact. Do you think he will back away from caring for her.