My ex husband hasn't seen or called the children since Oct. 1, 2002. Until then, he had regular "Disneyland Dad" type visits every week, but when we were getting ready to go to court my attorney discovered that he had spent time in prison for molesting his stepsons from his first marriage. I then realized there were alot of red flags in his behaviour with our boys, and when the judge heard everything, he immediately stipulated that my ex have supervised visits with the kids and go through a sex offender treatment program, as he had not finished it when he was in prison.

He refused to do either, preferring not to see the kids and to whine to all our friends that I didn't let him see them. Meanwhile, his girlfriend and her two sons moved in with him.

Friday I recieved a letter saying he wants to start supervised visits! After 10 months, we pretty much have life planned without him, but the kids do miss him, so I'm trying to be optimistic. He suggested a former pastor as the supervisor, so I called and talked to him; now I wait to see what they want to set up.

I'm sure I"m much to cynical to think he's suddenly had a change of heart.....could it be so easy?

Unfortunately Anna it could be that easy.

Perhaps he has realised how much it is he misses his sons, and has decided he will tow the line per say to see them.

Perhaps people have been praying for your xH to have a change of heart and the prayers are being answered.

Try to give him the benefit of the doubt til he proves this time he is not worth it!!! Continue praying, Prayer is powerful!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Annavon,

I was skimming some previous posts and came across yours...you said--

--Friday I recieved a letter saying he wants to start supervised visits! After 10 months, we pretty much have life planned without him, but the kids do miss him, so I'm trying to be optimistic. He suggested a former pastor as the supervisor, so I called and talked to him; now I wait to see what they want to set up.--

First of all has he completed the sex offender classes??

Does his girlfriend know about his past abuse on children? If not she has a right to know..and he should be the one to tell her--then you know he really is taking responsibility for his actions
and changing..

Does he go to church now? I realize that not everyone who goes to church is a Christian..but
does his life show signs of internal and external changes??

Do the boy's know this pastor?? If not take them to meet with him first..and allow them to build some type of repoire with him so they will feel safer--

it doesn't matter that he is your former pastor they still may not know him well enough to feel safe..or like he will be able to protect them fully--until a relationship of some sort is first established..

If this pastor was also a friend then introduce your kids to him as that..this is mommies friend
who is willing to be here with you when you spend time with your daddy--knowing YOU trust him..will
make it easier for them to trust he will protect them..

So have you heard anything else? I'm sure you've already made arraignments and all this is moot anyway...but like I said..I was just skimming through the posts and seen this and wanted to respond..

TR....funny you should write! I heard nothing for two weeks, then the Pastor called last night and said Craig wants all the kids out to his house on our oldest boys birthday in two weeks. Suddenly it hit me why he has reappeared! Our oldest boy is the one he behaved most inappropriately toward. Well, we already have plans for that weekend, which I told the pastor. He then said that Craig wanted the kids sizes so he could buy them clothes. I replied that I would prefer he caught up on child support (he's $2,000 behind), so I could buy them what they need, as they have plenty of clothing right now.

The pastor then asked if the kids could call their dad, and I told him that because of the no contact order, all visits, even by phone, have to be supervised. At that he got huffy and said he didn't have time for this and he would call and tell Craig the same.

I then wrote Craig, through his attorney, suggesting he get a trained person to supervise rather than a friend, suggested a two hour visit one night a week in a neutral place to start, and suggested he catch up on child support rather than give the children lots of gifts.

We'll see what happens. But I"m really proud of myself for holding my ground and doing what's best for the kids.

Annavon, IMHO I think you handled the situation great!

Annavon,

I agree you handled that very well..

I hurt for the pastor who doesn't want to be in the middle of all of this..although I don't really blame him..

and your right..it should be a professional to supervise vistation...someone through the state..

Your in my prayers..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At that he got huffy and said he didn't have time for this and he would call and tell Craig the same.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uhm, "nice" guy.

Lucks:

---At that he got huffy and said he didn't have time for this and he would call and tell Craig the same.

Uhm, "nice" guy.--

well Lucks, I don't know...if I wouldn't judge so quickly here--He's setting his own boundaries
it could be that as he's a friend of her ex-husband who is very manipulative and abusive--and not aware of all the details..

he may have been under the impression that her ex had all the details set --and that he was only going to be there to 'watch' the kids till their dad got there to pick them up...and may not be privy to all the other delicate matters that are involved -like the No contact order..and such..

He may also have cleared his schedule to be there
and so the comment about not having time for this
would be understandable--

but Annavon, I'd suggest you call the pastor and ask him if he was aware of these things..when he was asked to do this..

I would use the word "friend" very loosely concerning the pastor. We attended his church about 4 years ago, and left because my ex considered him "too materialistic". They've had very little contact since then. However, I"m good friends with his wife and we were in a quilt guild together till I moved. I asked the Pastor if Craig was now attending his church, and he said no. I also explained to him why Craig needed supervised visits, and he seemed surprised and then said "you shouldn't be telling me these things".

I think he may have realized that Craig is manipulating and using him, which is a typical pattern.

Why shouldn't you tell him??

Maybe God is trying to work in his heart and this hits home to him..

HEY, I didn't say anything mean! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

My comment still stands for my opinion..."nice" guy...to get all huffy, say he doesn't have time for "this," and THEN to say she shouldn't be telling him those things. And his occupation is what again?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Lucks,

It still seems like there is something missing here--

1. He's willing to help a man see his children--
(maybe he was told she's been keeping the kids from them for some other reason?? therefore manipulation)

2. His being informed that she already has other plans..and also informing him at the same time
WHY the visits are to be supervised..

Light bulb moment--I've been lied to by this man--
(nah he wouldn't do THAT--he was a member of my church)

Conviction of heart--ignored maybe???

Light bulb moment- If I don't KNOW anything..I don't have to be involved..then I don't have to be put in the middle..

his response...I don't want to know what this man did..because I know there are other kids under this mans roof..if I don't know anything--if HE does something to THEM --I'm not responsible--

Or it could be..he's thinking..you shouldn't be telling me this...as it is the past..and I think he's changed..so I am not going to hold that against him...I just don't want to put up with two adults bickering..

TR, have fun guessing why he acted the way he did. Just too many negatives in his handling of the matter w/Annavon for my comfort level. I suppose it's a GOOD thing he doesn't want to help in the situation...it could get even worse!

If I were in your shoes annavon, I would discuss nothing until I had proof that he successfully completed the sex offender treatment program. I can imagine all kinds of reasons why the pastor would be outside his comfort zone when you mentioned the reason for the visits to be supervised. Maybe the information blindsided him and he couldn't think clearly, maybe he'd rather turn a blind eye to such information, maybe a dozen other things. All I know is this.... if the information makes the pastor uncomfortable, it would make ME uncomfortable to place the well being of my children in his protection. I believe in prayer too, but I also know the hardness of heart an abuser possesses. Besides, how well can this pastor know your ex if he's not been at church lately? IMO, I smell a rat.

edit: when I say rat, I was thinking of your ex annavon.

<small>[ August 31, 2003, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: lonesome heart ]</small>

He could be thinking that if he gets involved and something happens, he could become a party to that action. Who are we to second-guess him? I think he should not be criticized for choosing not to participate.

Do you have any idea how many directions pastors/ministers are pulled by their congregants? What do you do first visit the shut-ins? Visit the hospitals? Study? Counsel your members? Prepare the correspondence? Contact the visitors? Write the article for the bulletin? Have some family time? These are counselors, scholars, salespersons, and more - all rolled into one.

I think the preference for a trained and neutral person to supervise the visits is appropriate.

Good call!

Cinderella,

I totally agree..That's why I was saying..It could be many different reasons..he chooses not to get involved..

I know MY pastor I think pretty well, and had he heard this news..he would probably ask someone more qualified within the church to help--

Our church started a ministry that has trained counselors who volunteer so many hours a week
to counsel, and help in cases like this..some even
volunteer time at the abuse shelters..

And we have another ministry where they go visit the shut-ins and elderly..and those who do are those who enjoy doing it..

which is why knowing what your spiritual gifts are
is helpful..you can volunteer in an area you WANT to help..if you enjoy working w/ kids, but don't want to teach you can volunteer to help in other areas of the childrens ministry..like if you really enjoy doing admin stuff, you can help in that area..

The way things are set up within this church..It functions better than any church I have ever been too..and the pastor doesn't get overwhlemed helping everyone..and he is not afraid to delegate things to those who are more qualified..