OK - Well first off - I know this is going to sound like I am being a selfish whatever... But here goes... OK I have been divorced now since last September - Official in January - Here is what I am finding that I am still doing.... Exhusband is not the father of the year but in his own way I guess he is doing the best he can - But I still get really upset when he shows up at important events - i.e. plays, cheerleading games etc.. - coming off as the father of the year - when in fact he really isn't doing much of anything to help me raise these children - except the one phone call a week on Wednesday nights and the overnight on Friday from say 6:30 pm to 1:30 pm on Saturday... And he had huge issues with helping my family when we were married and it came out alot while we were divorcing - and now - low and behold - he is helping my family - my uncle - my cousin - and yes I know stupid but I am upset that my family is talking to him - yes I know he didn't divorce them he divorced me - and yes he cheated on me but he didn't cheat on them .... Now I know all of this and this makes perfect sense to me - but I still cannot stop my mind and my heart from being hurt or somewhat betrayed by my family ---- And why - when I don't want him - do I still want him to be unhappy and suffer some of what I have suffered over the last two years... Why does he have to come off as being happy as anything - because he is single and doesn't have a care in the world - When I am overwhelmed - working full time - taking care of my girls - taking care of a house - I know I sound like I am whining and you know what I probably am... But can someone suggest to me - how to stop these feelings - of being dumped, being overwhelmed, being just plain hurt, and I guess being jealous of the fact that I am doing all of the work and he is just popping in when convenient to reap the rewards..... How does one let go ?? I do not want to be b*tching about him 5 years from now??? I want to just not give a crap about him??? Is this going to happen -? Am I ever truly going to get over this hurt and betrayal and be able to stop harping on it???? I need to learn how to ??? Suggestions - Complaints ?? Anything would be helpful????

Hi Mimi here's my take on your situation......You have not forgiven him for the hurt he has cause you until you completely forgive him you are always going to harbor revenge feelings inside of you which makes you feel the way you do right now. Forget about what he's doing and live your life as happy as you can.

Hi Carl - and thank you for the wonderful suggestion - but really what if I can't forgive him??? that scares me - I think that still after all of this time - of really not knowing what happened or how it happened - so much confusion that I have never gone through the correct stages - I mean it is hard to forgive someone who really doesn't think that he did anything wrong - and I know this isn't about him it is about me - I need to go on to make myself happy - truly happy.... Thank you very much for caring <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> on you the other "Carl" in my life I know that I can depend on for a pick me up... Thanks again...

Maw64,

I don't know if your a Christian or not..so I will base my answer on the assumption that you are--

Do you realize, in God's eye's, how many sins you have committed against Him? How many times you have done things you know hurt God? do you realize that even with all the sins we commit against Him, He forgives us..

Do you feel your ex should apologize to you for all the pain he's caused, before you forgive him?

Forgiveness isn't for the other person..it's for us..the Bible says that if we don't forgive others
God won't forgive us..it also says that by the measure we judge, we will also be judged..(paraphrased)so do we judge others as the world judges, that yes, these things are wrong and they need to suffer, or do we try and judge by God's standards that yes, they are sinners but so are we
and God has forgiven me many times over for sins I've committed against Him..so who am I to think I am better than God, and not forgive others when they hurt me? I can't..

yes, what your ex husband did and is doing to your family is really bad..but maybe, by him still having contact with your extended family they can have some influence on him..(don't know if that's a good or bad)but they may be able to help him see things you can't..like seeing how his actions are hurting the kids..

have you talked to your family about this?
have you explained to them that even though you realize they can be friends with whomever, it still hurts..knowing he spends more time with them than with his own children...and how much it hurts that he never wanted to do those things before -- why now??

Thorned Rose - Thank you for responding -- I do need to forgive - really truly you are right - if not for him than for me.... And I have not talked to my extended family and nor do I plan to - I think that is just better left alone - I am probably over reacting to that.. My ex just called me and told me a few things - one his going to rearrange his parttime job so he could take one of my daughters to her dancing class on Tuesdays - which would be a huge help for me - he is going to pay me extra money for the dancing shoes - which is also going to be a help to me - and then he told me that we just cannot talk - and maybe he is right - I don't want to fight with him - truly I don't - but this damn hurt just overtakes my mouth and I am all over him - And that is just hard for me - maybe it will be better for him and for me - that I don't talk to him until I am better to handle it - it seems everytime that I try to be nice - he takes it the next step and tries to be my best friend which freaks me out.... I need to learn to forgive.... And then hopefully forget....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">- coming off as the father of the year - when in fact he really isn't doing much of anything to help me raise these children - </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see two items to work on.

First, you are in your own conundrum, in a two choice paradox, you want him to help, but when he does, you are assigning an interpretation of his actions as comming off as father of the year. so you are putting yourself and him in a no win situation. this is an internal conflict that you have about controlling your environment.

You want him to help YOU. well, sorry, that's not his role any more. . . realign your expectations to JUST YOUR ROLE. . .

Do not assign ANY negative projections that he is impeding upon YOUR parental turf. In your mind, you are playing out a competitive parental turf war, whereby, if you can assign negative qualities to his positive actions, then you can feel better about yourself.. . . .

Second, If you are going to complain about time, then why did you go with just the minimum state guidelines? why don't you go 50-50 ? that way he is required to help you more and be more of a father? i suspect that you can't because of the influences that you don't want on your children, and that you believe that a mom is the better parent than the dad.

Until you can understand that there are different ways of parenting, that as kids age, they need the different parents for different leadership roles, that maybe your H is following a path that he was taught growing up (most likely) that he doesn't really have alot of ability to change, then you need to start to practice ACCEPTANCE of reality, and either give him your kids more or stop whining about the time he does take them. . .

Look at your choices. . . and if you are going to complain about your life, then change to another choice, by giving him more time. . .

Yes, you are dumped, but weren't you ever dumped in HS and college? if not, then partly, you did not have enough experience in dating to be married successfully in the first place, and then realize your are learning lessons that you never had to learn before. . . its the lesson of

you can't control someone to love you or act the way you want them to act. if you can't get over that, you need some counseling to resolve some control issues. . .

would you like a free counseling session? i live in the same state as you, and its a low $ call, and you wont' get very far in your current whiny, self pity party, but you might get some ideas. ..

whenifindthetime at yahoo.com and i will call you, and you will get on with your life

wiftty

Wifty - well I just emailed you .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />