Dear All:

My situation may be different from many; but then again, this is only my assumption. By writing to this forum, I hope that I may find other people who have experienced and reacted to physical abuse in a similar way.

I am a 40 year old man. Although I am an American, I live in the country of Finland and have been here since 1997. I am recently divorced from my Finnish wife with whom I shared a marriage of nearly 17 years. Along the way, we had two great children.

We were married in 1985. The two years surrounding our marriage though were extremely tumultuous. It was during this time that I experienced painful physical abuse. My fiancee/wife scratched me about my arms, torso and face on several occasions over a period of about 18 months. I remember the terrible shame and embarrassment associated with her actions. I hid it all though. When we visited friends, I remember choosing to wear a type of shirt (turtleneck) which would cover the scratches. I told no one. I helped her cover it up and told her that it would be ok. It did not turn out ok though.

Why didn`t I just get away from her? How could I allow her to scratch me again and again? Quite a question! I remember thinking about leaving her, but because I loved her so, I stood by her. I also knew that she had a difficult childhood, a father who abandoned her and abused alcohol, etc. I sympathized with her and tried to be her savior. But in the end, I became a target I guess for the pain her father caused her.

By the middle of 1987 though, things seemed to settle down between us. I have never been physically abused again by her since that horrible time. However, the mental scars of the abuse have stayed with and affected me more than I ever realized. As I look back, I see that the abuse disillusioned my respect for my wife and for our marriage. I also never showed her anger for the abuse I experienced. Instead, I kept it all secretly inside. Eventually though the pain came out; sadly in the form of "secret revenge". Once in 1989 and then again in 1990, I committed adultery. I remember consciously thinking that this was to be revenge for the physical abuse I incurred back between 1984-1986. And once the infidelity occurred once, it destroyed any hope I had for a life long marriage. My wife`s attitude about infidelity has always been black and white. One time, and the marriage is over; no excuses.

I committed adultery 4 further times in 1998, 1999 and in 2001. Each adultery was of the one night stand variety. No relationships were formed nor maintained. Once I did it once though, I guess my rationale was; what difference would it make? If one time already equaled divorce in my wife`s mind, then nothing else really mattered. I was crying inside because of the terrible guilt; trapped inside a relationship which had no hope of survival.

Perhaps a time line will help clarify things:

Time Line:

Born July 1963
She is born August 1963
We Meet September 1980
Engaged August 1981

Physical abuse
experienced(scratched badly
on the face, torso, and face
on several occasions) Fall 1984 - Spring 1986

Married June 1985

June 1989 Commit Infidelity
October 1990 Commit Infidelity
April 1991 Son born
June 1993 Daughter born
November 1998 Commit Infidelity
November 1999 Commit Infidelity
May 2001 Commit Infidelity
September 2001 Commit Infidelity
June 2002 Confess infidelities
June 2002 Wife starts relationship with other man
July 2002 Wife files for divorce
February 2003 Wife moves out
April 2003 Divorce official

My question to this forum is whether it is common that physical abuse leads to the committing of adultery in the form of "secret revenge". Please help me understand why I did things to hurt the woman I love. What went wrong with me? Why couldn`t I have faced her with my pain, rather than take this "secret revenge".

Seeking to understand,

Standing in Finland

<small>[ August 20, 2003, 06:52 AM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

Your post interested me. My H's A got more sexual and intense AFTER he broke my arm because I was threatening to call the woman with whom he claimed he was not having an A.

I think physical abuse really messes up a relationship. It's different from an affair, but there is a severe lack of respect for the spouse and self in order for either to occur.

There is no excuse for an A -- not even physical abuse. I've talked with Harley several times on the radio, and one thing he said about abuse is that "unless you get that straightened out first, you can't solve any other problem because the threat of violence prevents you from being honest in trying to address your problems" or something to that effect.

After my H pushed down on my forehead so hard on January 3, 1998 that I still have a lump in the middle of my forehead, I decided that I had to accept anything in order to fulfill my commitment of M. Well, I accepted a lot -- until he was openly flirting with a woman whom he was telling me was saying things like "Sleeping with Mark (her husband) is better because of you."

But that's enough about me. The point is that you were too afraid to address issues in your M, and for good reason.

Hi, I don't think that it will help a marriage by doing something as revenge. I would divorce first before one night stand or a relationship. That is the normal way of conducting things. So she was wrong and you were wrong. You are young and start a new life. Don't look back

StandinginFinland,

Oh, I feel so inadequate to answer your question. Your marriage has been full of pain inflicted by both of you. From how it sounds, perhaps you never dealt with the pain of her scratching you. I cannot tell you why she did that or why you had an affair... except to say this: you are both sinners and Satan hates you and hates marriage and will do all he can to destroy you, your wife, your marriage.

If your marriage was not one that was Christ-centered in which you obeyed the Lord, prayed, and served Him, then the door was wide open for Satan to deceive and to destroy (just as it was in mine because my husband and I were not obeying the Lord in many ways, even though we were/are both Christians).

You did these things because of your sinful nature. Divorce has been a consequence.

However, God forgives, God heals, God restores. I am not a psychologist and or a physician so I cannot give you any insight into those areas, but I am a Christian and know that without the Lord, we mess up our lives. It is hard enough with the Lord!

Is your wife remarried? Are you remarried? If not, have you considered reconciling?

Seek the Lord and pour out your heart to Him. There is much pain there and Jesus is our comforter, our healer, our redeemer. You need Him and only He can forgive your sins and give you peace from the guilt you feel.

I would encourage you to seek a pastor whom you could talk to.

May the Lord be near you now and bring you peace as you seek Him. You have done things (adultery) that have separated you from God but through Jesus, all your sins (including adultery) can be forgiven. The Bible says that God remembers them no more. You also need to forgive your wife of her sins. You may need counsel (from a Christian or pastor) to help you through the pain... to support you... but God wants you to forgive your wife... and yourself. Go to Him, seek His forgiveness, pour out your heart to Him.

God bless you.

Hi All:

I love MB because you get so many perspectives. Pineapple suggests that I "cash it in" and "not look back", whereas LoveMyEx suggests I put all my faith in God. And B H & A seemed to really understand the feelings caused by physical abuse. Thank you all!!

Well, I am not willing at all to throw in the towel and yes, I am far more inclined to put my faith in God then to give up on the Love of My Life. Some of the most comforting moments over the last 14 months have occurred while I have been alone with my bible and/or other types of inspirational readings.

I am a sinner. I strayed down the devil`s path and he happily coaxed me on. I hurt my wife deeply and destroyed her trust by committing the sin of adultery. I profoundly regret all this and have asked sincere forgiveness from God and from my wife. I have also demonstrated change in my life. I have gone through my feelings; participated in counselling consistently for 14 months, talked regularly with friends, family and even made many new friends. I have not stopped looking inside myself and I feel God has been there helping each day. Yes, my wife sinned too. Of course she did. I married a sinner. How could I avoid this? I have thought deeply about those times of abuse, and I know I am able to forgive her. I have also learned the danger of revenge. It is like a wildfire which is never extinguished. Revenge never satisfies. It only creates more pain and guilt.

You asked whether I have considered reconciliation. Indeed, this is all I have wanted since the crisis exploded. But, of course, it does take two minds who are willing to try. I Love my x-wife; what else can I do? Neither my x-wife nor I have remarried; certainly not. Neither of us are even close to this type of decision. I have had a number of dates during this year, but it seems all I ever do with these women is talk about the break-up of my marriage. As for my x-wife, she fell deeply for one male acquaintance 14 months ago "immediately" after I confessed my betrayal. They are still seeing one another but my impression is that their relationship is temporary in nature. My x-wife and I do see one another perhaps once per week related to the care of our children. Our conversations are often very positive. We still can laugh and reminisce. We even have a "Woody Allen" movie evening planned together in the near future in my (our former) living room. This is something we used to treasure together. I do see light ahead for us, but it seems to take so very long. She is still reluctant to seek joint counselling together, but I think she may be softening to the idea. Time will tell.

During our marriage, regrettably, I did not invite God to our family table. Although I was brought up in a religious home, I basically abandoned the Lord when I was 15 in favor of various teenage distractions. My x-wife was brought up in typical Finnish fashion with nothing more than an institutional, anti-septic relationship to the church. Finns, in general, are quite skeptical of showing any religious feelings, but nonetheless, 90% of the population belongs to the Luthern Church; strange contrast. I pray that God would explode inside her heart and fill her with his Love. It just may happen. She is a very good person. She only needs time to heal the pain I caused her; so I will be patient. With God, indeed all things are possible.

Standing (With God) in Finland

My guess, and it’s just a guess, but you had the “secret revenge” in order to bring your relationship to a head. It was deliberate destruction. I don’t know if abused men are more likely to have affairs. I doubt abused women are because they’re just so scared of being killed. Too bad there’s so little research on men being abused. I have heard tell of a man who’s wife actually did hit him with a frying pan. It sounds funny because it’s a stereotype, but how awful!

Take care of yourself.

StandinginFinland,

Please see these sites:

www.restorem.org (read the testimonies!)
www.rejoiceministries.org (sign up for the free devotional email- very good)

These two sites have been tremendous blessings and support for me.

Also, if you can, get the book "How to Save Your Marriage Alone" by Ed Wheat. It is a mini-book. You can get it here: http://www.crosslifebooks.com/bookpages/HowToSave.htm

Another good book is "How to Win Your Wife Back Before It Is Too Late" by Gary Smalley. Here: http://cave3.r5i.com/cgi-bin/catalogmgr/198081026136018684/browse/item/60314/28/0/0

Both men are Christians and have counseling ministries. I HIGHLY recommend both books! Very Biblical and good.

Also read some testimonials here and there are links to other sites and also other info:

http://www.maritalemergency.com/links.htm
http://www.maritalemergency.com/next.htm
http://www.oneforlife.com/restored1.htm
http://www.covenantkeepersinc.org/archive/00/feb.htm

There are many testimonies of restoration even when only one person is praying for it. If neither are praying... well, what can one expect. But if only one is praying...

Well, look at the Bible and the things God did in response to ONE person's prayers, commitment, etc. He looks for faith like that.

I have put you on my prayer list and will pray.

I also am praying for the reconiliation of my marriage. In the process, I am becoming a more Christlike woman as I seek the Lord in faith and perseverence. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am learning to love my husband with the type of love of 1 Cor. 13 and it took this to teach me how to love like that.

God bless you and may He heal your marriage!

<small>[ August 23, 2003, 02:43 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>