I'm beginning to think that it doesn't matter how long you've been divorced before you start dating or how much care you took to heal from the pain of infidelity and divorce.

I've been divorced 3 years now (over 4 years of seperation). During this time, I took the hard road of taking care of me, healing from my divorce, and taking care of my daughter. I did NOT have any sort of romantic relationship during this time, even though at times I really craved that attention.

I've now decided I am ready emotionally to start the dating process, and potentially find a man perfect for me and my daughter (my x is pretty much totally out of the picture). I've dated several men, and I end up at the same place with them all. A big fat dead end. I'm sure that alot of it is me, because I really don't want to get hurt again. I'm also the type of person that won't *push* something that isn't there, so most of my dates are only first dates <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

I've never had trouble finding dates, but I am finding that things are much different this time around. I'm disappointed, discouraged and thinking that being alone for the rest of my life isn't all that bad! I don't want to become a hermit. I'm a very passionate, caring woman who wants to share her life with someone who compliments, not complicates.

I'm just rambling. I guess I'd like to hear from others who waited for a while to date again, and what that experience has taught you and how the dating is going!

Thanks for reading!

God Bless <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

think about the odds. . .

here is my statistical analysis of the probability of finding a new mate

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=34;t=005684#000000

so, don't get your expectations too high on the time to find the new mate

wiftty

Well, she asked for some advice. Here is mine. I know someone in her forties, that divorced and did not actively look for love. But while she was just doing her work and caring for her children, met someone perfect. And although she does not wish to remarry at this point in time, I must say that as much as I have had concern for her through the years, I would think he would be fine for her to marry.

Not being needy and zealous about dating, but being comfortable with yourself, was always the most attractive honey for the bee. And you only need one bee, not a swarm of em.

Another helpful hint, try not to carry the problems of things that are over- with you at all.

People who are always bringing up past experiences about the ex-spouse depress even the most loving friends. Once in a while could be ok. But it gets to be a habit and it is a turn off. Practice encouraging activities and thoughts in yourself. It is contagious-except in maybe a few un encouraging people.

i'm sure you are familiar with the old saying, "a good man is hard to fine". i honestly believe that a good man who will marry a divorced lady with a young daughter is ever harder to find. you see, finding someone very special is a difficult thing to do....espically if you are divorced and have children
from a previous marriage. although, there are men out there who are in the same situation you are in. i believe a single man with a young child or children would compliment your life. those men are out there
but they will not come knocking on your door. do some searching and i'm sure you will fine a good date or mate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just remember, you're only looking for one guy. You'd have to reject all the others anyway.

And the time until you find him is a great opportunity to work on healing, growth, and self-improvement. That should enhance your chances of attracting the right sort of guy if you ever do find him. And if you don't...well, you'll be a better and healthier person either way, and that's nothing to be unhappy about!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by butiloveu:
<strong>I guess I'd like to hear from others who waited for a while to date again, and what that experience has taught you and how the dating is going!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't even think about getting involved with anyone new until more than two-and-a-half years after my wife left me. Note that that was two-and-a-half years without a single word spoken between us.

I would still not be thinking about getting involved with anyone new, if I hadn't been blindsided by an amazing woman who...just wants to be friends!

So, I'm still not dating. I feel ready to develop a relationship now, but I am quite certain that I was not ready any earlier. And although I feel ready, I am not actively looking for romance. I'm trying to keep my eyes open in case the "right" woman comes along (which is difficult because I feel like I've already found her), but...for now I'm pretty happy with the way things are going.

butiloveu:

--I'm beginning to think that it doesn't matter how long you've been divorced before you start dating or how much care you took to heal from the pain of infidelity and divorce.--

TR- Your right, it doesn't matter as far as dating goes, but it does matter when it comes to looking for a marriage partner..

I've now decided I am ready emotionally to start the dating process, and potentially find a man perfect for me and my daughter (my x is pretty much totally out of the picture).

TR- Okay, I'm confused-- are you looking for a man for you or your daughter or one for both of you? or is it that you looking for a replacement father figure for her?

If you looking for a companion for yourself to share your life with..that's one thing..

but if your looking for man who will not only share your life but also be willing to take on the role as a positive male role model in your daughters life that is something totally different..

--I've dated several men, and I end up at the same place with them all. A big fat dead end. --

TR- Maybe you can look at this from a different perspective than they were dead ends..because they weren't..no, they didn't work out..but that doesn't mean they were dead ends..

What did you learn about these men on those dates?

Are they exactly what you are looking for in a long term mate for you and role model for your daughter?

for every date you gone on you find out one or more positive or negative things about what you want or don't want in a life partner..

so start by making a list of things you want in a life mate..and also make a list of things YOU don't want in a life mate..

If you take the time to write these things out..
you'll have a more clear picture of the type of man you would like to date..and it will eliminate many dating possiblities right off the bat..and therefore knock out many bad dates..

---I'm sure that alot of it is me, because I really don't want to get hurt again. I'm also the type of person that won't *push* something that isn't there, so most of my dates are only first dates ---

TR- Why are you so sure a lot of it is you? Most people don't want to be hurt..and because you
don't want to *push* something that isn't there--
those are positive qualities..

they show you are respectful enough not only to yourself but also the other person..that you realize there is no point continuing a relationship that has no real future..why get emotionally involved where all parties end up hurt--you, your daughter, and the man, and possibly any children he may have???

--I've never had trouble finding dates, but I am finding that things are much different this time around.--

TR- And of course things are different this time around..your not the same person emotionally you were at 19 and 20--your responsibilities are different, your priorities in life are different
so your looking for a man you can relate to as an adult..not as a young teenager..

--I'm disappointed, discouraged and thinking that being alone for the rest of my life isn't all that bad!--

TR- Well, there are worse things than being alone
to try not to get discouraged..and learn from this experience so that when your daughter begins to date..you can help her know what to begin looking for in a life mate..

--I don't want to become a hermit. I'm a very passionate, caring woman who wants to share her life with someone who compliments, not complicates.--

TR- nothing wrong with this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-- I guess I'd like to hear from others who waited for a while to date again, and what that experience has taught you and how the dating is going!--

TR- my experience has been different..as I was pretty much a single parent most of my marriage..
as my ex was only home one weekend a month--

before we seperated and after my EA started AND ended..I found this site and read all I could..I read about the emotional needs..and began comparing both relationships...my marriage and the OM..and I found what was missing in my marriage and what drew me to the OM--and I began writing out a list of things that were important to me in a marriage..and I shared this list with my husband..his response was he couldn't give me those things..the truth of the matter is..he didn't want to do those things..because it would have required him to change..the things on my list
were fairly simple.

1. Someone who spends time with me and our children (more than one weekend a month--
ie: Family Commitment)

2. I want someone who will go to church with me
pray with and for me..(someone who shares my faith, and encourages me to grow)

3. I want someone who is open and honest about everything--

4. Daily Affection and communication

5. I want someone who puts the family before other people and things--(drinking, work)

There are many other things on my list..but those were the top few..that he said right off he couldn't do..and chose to leave the marriage--
And because I knew what I wanted..it made things much easier.

I went out with a few men..one of which I went out with once..who became very possessive and jealous--I explained that although he is very nice--I just don't believe I am the person for him and that I hope he finds that someone special-

another one was very nice, but lived to far away
and I don't see myself uprooting my children--just
to date someone..

and the other is the one I am dating now..I was very open and honest about what I wanted in a relationship..and he wasn't sure he was ready for that--which was fine..I respected that..just as he respected what I wanted..so it hasn't all been peaches and cream and we have stopped seeing each other a couple of times..so he could go out with other women...

he came over one day while he was dating one of these women..and I told him that if 'they' were having problems then he needed to go and work them out with her..and leave me out of it..he ended the relationship, and called me about a month later asking me out again..I told him then that if he decides he's still not sure this is what he wants in a relationship..there won't be a next time..because I am too old to be playing games..he said that having dated these other women he realizes that this is the relationship he wants..and well, were engaged to be married
we need to sit down with the pastor and set a date..and before we do that..we're wanting to plan our wedding so we know about what it's going to cost..

We've been through pre-marriage counseling, have taken a class on Teamwork in Marriage at church he reads the information on this site with me, has completed the questionaires and although he doesn't post he likes the principles taught here, we've both read numerous other books our pastor gave us on marriage and blended families..step-parenting and the like..and were learning a lot of things..

So knowing what you want and don't want in a relationship is helpful before you start dating someone..so that you can end bad relationships before they even begin..

No, no, no, TR, don't plan the wedding then talk to the minister. Do good pre-marital counseling, stuff like expectations, FOO issues, experiences, reall counseling things. Much better to spend more money on counseling and less on the wedding.

Remember how much easier it is to get out of a wedding than out of a marriage.

LOL Cinderella, You misunderstood--

We've already spent 16 weeks in Pre-marriage counseling with our pastor...

we've been over the FOO issues, expectations..
communication and conflict resolution skills..
what a Godly marriage is and isn't..the different types of love..Qualities Necessary for a Flourishing Marriage..Role Relationship in Marriage--

He gave us a personality test, and went over how to work through issues based on that..what our strengths and weaknesses are--and how we can work together..using those..

He gave us books like "Blended Families,
and "Romantic Lovers to read..and we've read them--a friend of mine recently sent me the book
"Inviting God to Your Wedding" and we've been reading that..(awesome book)

Have you ever heard of R.C. Sprowls? He has a Christian Marriage Video Series we also had to watch..

We went to a Familylife Marriage Seminar..and have taken a Teamwork in Marriage Class..

We've even taken a few 3 1/2- 4 hour road trips together--one of which was when his father was in the hospital and another when His father passed away..that allowed me to learn how he handled very painful and stress filled times--

My youngest daughter was hospitalized last year..
and was very sick again this year, they wanted to put her back in the hospital, but decided against it..and he was able to see how I handle very painful and stress filled times as well--

And we both handled it pretty well..knowing the other was there for us..we prayed for and with each other..encouraged each other--we let the other be sad..and cry when we needed to..and we were there to hold each other..and offer that emotional support..and we learned we can depend on the other to be there when we need them most..

So we've spent A LOT of time going over all of these things together and apart from each other--

we both know that we will still have struggles and things won't always be perfect, but we've learned that we can work together as a team..to get through them...

Oh and we're also going to be taking a Crown Ministries Financial Management Class--through our church...Our pastor asked that all couples he has done Pre-marriage counseling with to take this course as well..as part of preparing for marriage..

And so now..we are in the planning stages of the wedding..and trying to figure out what we want..
and we can do that in conjuction w/ the Crown Financial Class in working on our budget..

<small>[ August 25, 2003, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>