Hi all:
I am new here and posted the same message up in the infidelity/recovering section.

My marriage is in a crisis state and for good reason. I am a recovering sex addict as of May 28th of this year. Those of you who may not know much about sex addiction can learn more about it by reading. Suffice to say it's a dysfunction that ends up destroying relationships over time.

Despite loving my wife, two children, and my family in general, I allowed my sex addiction to take over -- I lost control over priorities in my life and it spiraled out of control. Though the vast majority of my SA centered around online pornography, it developed into more and it led to paying for erotic massages (no sex involved) and one case of infidelity on my part.

Since my wife found out, and I've had to admit everything, she has been on a path of separation and divorce. To her, the topic of restoring the marriage is closed right now.

We have two very small children which makes the situation even more sad.

I've been attending SAA meetings now for two months, as well as my own personal therapy. I've been able to commit to my recovery and stay "clean." I am committed and would like to restore the marriage over time, but she does not seem to want to.

I believe trying to restore the marriage over time is better than giving up and putting the kids through a divorce that will devistate all of us financially.

We are still living in the same house, but in separate rooms, and trying to be the best parents we can. We have very difficult discussions at times after the kids go to sleep. She is not open to joint counseling at this time -- which I don't understand. It seems we need joint counseling in order to help us communicate even if we do end up separating. I don't blame her for the way she feels and I know she has every right to be angry as hell at me. But it seems like she's not getting the right support she needs to be able to get through this.

I'm at a loss... I live day to day with hope that somehow my recovery efforts will make a difference. I love my kids more than anything and don't want them to suffer as a result of my addiction. I realize that restoring our marriage would take a long time and a lot of effort. But I believe it's still better than the alternative.

Anyone else in the same or similar situation?

-Paul

ReDad,
There are some here with similiar backgrounds. One of them is a guy named "Cajunky". I don't have any concrete advice...just wanted to bump this up for you in the hopes that someone with personal experience in this area will comment. You may want to change the title of your thread, too; since most people here have a "marriage in crisis", it isn't attention-getting. Maybe something with "sex addict" in the title. (I know it would get read, maybe for wrong reasons, but the more traffic you can generate then the more help you'll get.)

It sounds like you've made a good start for turning things around personally. Have you read the articles here at MB, and/or any books recommended about Plan A and Plan B ? Two months isn't a very long time for your wife to see changes. I know it seems like it to you, but in the whole scheme of things it will probably take a while longer. And how old are your kids?

Be patient, and keep posting.

RecoveringDad, I have no advise for you because I don't understand your addiction but I want to encourage you not to give up on yourself. Grow, and become free of what enslaves you. As you grow, your children will benefit and maybe your wife will come to the place of reconcilation. That is never a given but no matter what, you need to make all the necessary changes for you and those kids.

But unfortunately, what you have done has consequences and turning things around could take a couple of years. I know you want some hope that your family will survive this but you should focus on one hope at a time. You have to focus on getting free from your sex addiction. I will pray for you cause in this world today, you do have to take so many precautions to not get sucked back into the "fire". We live in a very immoral and sensual time so stand firm and fight the fight. You can be FREE!!!!

TW

Dear Paul,

Do you know the Lord? As I read your post, I cannot help but encourage you with words of hope, encouragement, and comfort. The Lord can heal you of your addictions and He can heal your marriage. Therapy is good, but there is something even more powerful to bring healing and restoration and that is the Word of God, prayer, and the Body of Christ (the church). I would encourage you to seek a godly pastor to pray with you and perhaps to mentor you... or another godly man to mentor you. God is able. God is good. And God loves you and your wife and He is the one who brought you together in marriage.

You have an enemy. His name is Satan and he is "the father of lies." He seeks to "kill, steal, and destroy." He wants to steal your marriage, kill your hope, destroy your sanity. He wants to keep you believing his lies. He WILL keep you bound to him unless you submit your life... all of it.. unto the Lord! God is great, greater than all our fears and sorrows, greater than all our sins... there is no sin too great for Him to forgive or heal.

Seek Him and cry out to Him and repent of all your sins believing that He forgives and heals and can even give you the strength and the power through Jesus Christ to completely overcome all your addictions!

Please go here: http://www.centerfordecency.org/gospelw.htm

If you do know the Lord, then continue to cry out to Him, repent of any sins, fervently pray, fast, be in the Word. There is power in the Lord and when we are in Christ, that power is for us as well. It can break addictions and divorce.

May God be with you!!

Re_Dad and LoveMyEx,
I have been posting at MB (Just Found Out) for the past two+ months. After all my posting and my W still wanting a D, I have felt completely lost. Today I started saying "Where there is GOD, there is HOPE." I am trying to convince myself of this.
My story(ies) are very similar to Re_Dad, almost to the letter, except that I had been out of the house on a TRO and since returning my W has filed for a D. Everyday I receive calls from her beratting the things I did to her (i won't elaborate here - Read these postings [if you want nad have hte time]).
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Editted Title: Suicide Stopped - Thanks MB Forum Posters
  Her TRO is Gone, I'm Still Out of the House
  Plan A? Feels Like I'm Spinning My Wheels!
  WS Here. How Do I Encourage My W (BS) to Visit This Site? </font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LoveMyEx, I have a neighbor who is slowly mentoring me. I have finished reading The Book of Genesis and started Exodus and The Gospel of Matthew. We are going to meet once a week and read the Bible together. He is good man who put his W through similar situ and has saved the M.
Re_Dad, Read the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew (Chaps 5-7?). I foudn it impactful and helpful.

Also, sorry to grab attention on your posting. With MB and the posters here, you and I can help each other throught this.

God bless and watch over you.
TTSMM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by avondale25:
<strong>Two months isn't a very long time for your wife to see changes. I know it seems like it to you, but in the whole scheme of things it will probably take a while longer. And how old are your kids?

Be patient, and keep posting.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am trying to be as patient as I can while continuing to live day to day and making progress. I realize this will take years to recover from. And I am committed to putting in the effort required to restore the marriage if she can also eventually come to the conclusion that it is worth saving.

Our kids are very young ... 3 and less than 1 respectively. Too young and innocent.

I don't expect her to change her mind overnight. In fact I expect that she will be in a "divorce" state of mind for some time. And I am willing to live with that as a consequence for now.

-rd

TryingtoSaveMarriage,

That is wonderful about you being mentored. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I would encourage you to check out these two websites that have helped me (as I also am hoping/praying for the reconiliation of my marriage).

These websites have taught me so much, not just about marriage, but about God and obeying Him, and they have really ministered to me. They are marriage restoration sites.

www.restorem.org (read the "about us" and testimonies)

www.rejoiceministries.org (read their testimony and sign up for the free devotional- it is very good and will bless you each day)

There is HOPE. In God, there is hope. You are doing right by seeking Him. As far as your wive's anger towards you right now, bear with her. Forgive, love, bear, humble yourself, and when you leave her presence, cry out to the Lord and ask Him to minister to your heart and to comfort you in your pain and distress. With compassion, sympathize with her and resist the temptation to return her anger with your own.

"Love bears ALL things."
"Love endures"
"Love is patient/longsuffering."
"Love always hopes."
"Love NEVER fails."
"Forgive..."
"Do not return insult for insult."
"Bless and do not curse."
"Pray for your enemies."

I’m the legitimate child of a SA with a personality disorder. Probably in his case the PD lead to the SA. Anyway, my mother did end up divorcing my father because he wouldn’t control his addiction. In fact, he wanted her to participate in it, probably in some pretty bizarre ways although I never asked.

Three months is not very long from your wife’s point of view. I bet it feels like an eternity to you, though! However, it’s key to keep her perspective in view. She probably will need a lot longer success run before she can open the door.

Does she know your plan to prevent relapses? Communicating that, and then living up to the plan is essential to rebuilding her trust. Also, allow her full access to all areas of your life. Buy some SpyWare for the computer if you haven’t already, always have it record, and give her the password to check up on you. Don’t lock your glove compartment or car. She gets access to EVERYTHING in your life. You have no privacy.

Keep focused on controlling your addiction. I know it must be hard. But, I think you have great potential to maintain recovery.

Oh, and have a full check for STDs if you haven’t. You know the saying: Sleep with one person and you’ve slept with the world. Just b/c the infidelity was only once doesn’t mean you don’t have something.

Best to you, and bless you for getting out of the web of SA.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong>I&#8217;m the legitimate child of a SA with a personality disorder. Probably in his case the PD lead to the SA. Anyway, my mother did end up divorcing my father because he wouldn&#8217;t control his addiction. In fact, he wanted her to participate in it, probably in some pretty bizarre ways although I never asked.

Three months is not very long from your wife&#8217;s point of view. I bet it feels like an eternity to you, though! However, it&#8217;s key to keep her perspective in view. She probably will need a lot longer success run before she can open the door.

Does she know your plan to prevent relapses? Communicating that, and then living up to the plan is essential to rebuilding her trust. Also, allow her full access to all areas of your life. Buy some SpyWare for the computer if you haven&#8217;t already, always have it record, and give her the password to check up on you. Don&#8217;t lock your glove compartment or car. She gets access to EVERYTHING in your life. You have no privacy.

Keep focused on controlling your addiction. I know it must be hard. But, I think you have great potential to maintain recovery.

Oh, and have a full check for STDs if you haven&#8217;t. You know the saying: Sleep with one person and you&#8217;ve slept with the world. Just b/c the infidelity was only once doesn&#8217;t mean you don&#8217;t have something.

Best to you, and bless you for getting out of the web of SA.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">greengables-
Thanks. Yes, I feel I am out of the "web" of SA though I know I'll be a "risk" for some time. My wife is well aware of my plan to recover. She knows I go to SAA meetings and go to my own personal therapy sessions each week. She already has spyware installed on the computer which is how she caught me (mostly) in the first place.

Fortunately my SA only escalated seriously over the past year. Before last year it was all online pornography viewing -- which made our marriage suffer as it was becayse of all the time I was spending online. It was only about a year ago that I started "cruising" and paying for massages and acting out in a participative way. I think my SA was caught sooner than most from what I can tell based on others in my SAA meetings.

I realize three months is not long. And I am very sympathetic to my wife's shock and pain. I am willing to give her all the time and support she needs. I just don't want her to give up.

She checked herself for all STDs shortly after our D-day. And I had myself checked several weeks prior. So all is ok there.

We just need time... time that I hope she can give.