My husband and I have been married 1 1/2 yrs (2 yrs in Nov) and lately things have started falling apart. It's been coming up on us for awhile now I suppose but here recently it has really gotten bad...Friday he left. We had talked about this. He wanted to take some time for bring some closure to his life (he lived at home..then the army then we got married). Anyhow, he got an apartment doesn't want me coming by and what not. We have a child. He is not her biological father but he has been with me since I was pregnant with her and we married when she was 2 months old. She is now going on two. He says we rushed into things and didn't really get to know each other. He has also said things about not being "in" love anymore but still caring about me. I have felt more positive about this off and on because he makes it seem like he's doing this to help us get to know each other better again. However, I keep thinking that with him gone..it'll be harder to come back. I don't know! Help me please! I am still as much in love with him as the day I married him and I'm willing to do whatever it takes. <P>Well, it's been over a week now since he left and I could really use some help. We have "chit chatted" on the phone off and on, and even had a date on Thursday night. We went to dinner, and played putt putt. I wanted him to stay at the house but he said he needed to go back to the apartment to get some sleep because he had to be at work early the next morning. I got a little emotional but he said he had a good time and we hugged and kissed. Which is something we haven't done in awhile. Well he called me around 1am saying someone called and woke him up and that he realized that he didn't have to be in to work until 11am. So, he was headed out my way. Well it was a very good night in the sex department. I mean it wasn't fairy tale perfect but it was good. He did pay attention to my needs which hasn't been done in a long long time. Lots of kissing and cuddling. He left in the morning for work and I think it was a good day for both of us. Well, Friday night I went and messed things up. He had gotten home from work..was tired and I wanted to talk to him for awhile on the phone. Well we were just about to get off the phoen when someone called on call waiting and he clicked back over and told me he needed to go. I asked who it was and he said it was his ex-gf (He has talked to her before as friends..and I knew about this. He turns to her for advice and what not..but that's a whole other story). Anyhow I told him "I thought you were tired" and he said he was only going to talk to her for a few mins. At which point I was upset because he would talk to her and not me. Anyhow, the night just got worse, with me doing a lot of things I should not have done. Falling back into weakness and bothering him. Anyhow, I don't know where it's going now...he works a lot at his job so he's tired all the time and sometimes it seems like he doesn' understand that I am tired too. I only work 3 days a week but Im a nurse and work 12 hr shifts at night..then I take care of our daughter all day. I'll take any advice I could get please! He is still saying that he just doensn't know what he wants and maybe he doesn't believe in everything he thought he use to. PLEASE HELP!! Thanks!<P>

Hi Diossa,<P>Have you checked out the main page of the marriagebuilders site, and all the documents and articles? It's a good place to start if you haven't. Read about Love Busters, fill out the Emotional Needs questionaire, and check out Plan A. If you have looked at these things, talk to your H and get a plan together. Check out the Policy of Joint Agreement too. You may also want to try counseling. Do you suspect him of having an affair? Read or re-read these things before you talk to him about everyhting so you can get your point across without damaging things.<P>I am sorry to hear about all of this. I hope things will work out for you. Keep posting here. Sometimes it's hard to get replies.<P>God bless,<BR>29Guy

29Guy, <BR>Thank you so much for your reply! I was starting to wonder if someone would. I have been looking over the website...taking some time though. I have filled out the emotional needs questionaire, however he didn't want to when I proposed the idea. I'm sure I jumped ahead of myself a little bit since right now all he is wanting is space and to do what he wants. He also doesn't want to try counseling right now. He is open to the idea later, but right now he said he just has to figure some things out for himself and like many other people he says he doesn't need someone to tell him how he feels right now. At one point, I had suspected him of cheating. He had been regularly calling a girl from work and what not. Also not at work all the time when he said he was (I found out later he was hunting for an apartment). I talked to him night before last (Friday) and he said he hangs out with people, but is not dating anyone. I asked him point blank about kissing, cuddling, sleeping with, or anything like that and he said no. I'm trusting him. I have to..he's my husband and if I can't trust him, who can I trust? If I get burned in the end so be it...I have to try. At this point I am just TRYING to lay low for awhile and not "bug" him. He's putting in long hours at work and only getting about 3-5 hrs of sleep a night. He called me tonight and said "Hey, I'm actually going to tell you about my day." We've had problems with me probing him and him clamming up. I wouldnt' probe so much if I had a little insite to his day sometimes. So he told me about work...vented alittle and I know he's under a lot of stress. This is going to be a bad week. His father called him and left a msg for him to get back with him to set up a time for the two of them to talk. He said it's not even going to be possible this week though because he doesn't even have a day off until mid next week. *shrug* I don't know. I'm still searching through the website..finding tidbits here and there. I'm going to call about getting myself some help in the meantime. I can get 5 free sessions or something through my work..they have an employee assistance program. So, at least I can start working on me..and figuring out my own problems. We'll see how it goes. Please keep in touch though, it's hard finding someone to talk to who understands, sometimes. I dont have alot of friends out here so my support network is rather small right now. Thank you so much again and I look forward to hearing more from you!

Hi again Diossa,<P>Your situation sounds similar to mine in a lot of ways. My W told me about a month and a half ago that she was not in love with me anymore. She said she wanted to be roommates until we paid some bills off and then( she didn't say this, but I could tell) get a divorce. She wouldn't fill out the questionaire either. I'm going to try to talk to her again separating or counseling, or hopefully both. She has said several times, she does not think we can work it out, she feels it's over, etc. To stay in the same house with someone you are in love with and care so much about and not have that feeling returned is very stressful. I have been giving her space for a while in the hopes that she will get things straight in her head and change her mind about trying to save our marriage. I am going to go for counseling and hopefully she will too. I think it would at least help her sort out what she's feeling. She is out late a lot and works late a lot. I suspect she is having an emotional affair at least, and probably physical too. <P>Too much to re-type(I'm at work now ), if you want to read about my situation, you can check the posts I have on the emotional needs forum. You may get better responses there, some of these other forums don't get as much traffic. Keep posting and keep in touch and I'll do the same. There are good people here who can help.<P>Take care,<BR>29Guy

29Guy, <BR>Good to hear from you again. I'm one step ahead of you..I was looking at some of your posts last night before heading off to bed. Seems like our problems are similar indeed. I said I was going to call about help for me today...but I have put it off. I work T/W/Th this week (Another place we are alike..I work nights..he works days) so I can't schedule anything this week anyway. And next week I have to see what H and his family's schedules are for childcare reasons. Have you started counseling as of yet? Or working on it? I figure at least going myself can help me understand myself better and honestly isn't that where we need to start? <P>I haven't talked to H today..he's at work. Said he would call so I'm waiting. As much as I want to talk to him I know calling him at work won't turn out how I want it to anyway. He'll just be tired/frustrated/busy and I will probably be a bother to him. I know that I need to let him call me. He said he would so I need to give him the chance. Ever feel like you just can't wait anymore? Waiting for the little things..like phone calls and talking? (Okay so they aren't such little things) I won't give up on us..I'll wait as long as it takes. Divorce is not an option. (I hope) I can remember when he was staying here and how stressful it was for both of us. I'd want to talk..he'd say he wasn't ready or didn't want to and that all I talked about was our problems and fixing them. Now that he is staying in an apartment we at least chit chat on the phone a little. We don't really talk about our problems because he doesn't want to so I've backed off for now. Every once in awhile I feel like I just can't take it anymore and practically demand that he talk to me about it of course he doesn't. I end up crying..he ends up angry/frustrated and probably distancing himself further away from me. I don't know how he is feeling because he won't talk to me about it and when he does I always get the same "I don't know's." I'm still here waiting. Thinking about journaling some of this to help me get my mind straight....Been praying again lately too I know God is the one who is going to pull us through this..I haven't been in church in awhile..I need to go back....Sunday maybe?

Hi Diossa,<P>I have not started counseling yet. I am going to get some numbers and call tomorrow in the morning. I also think it will help me to get things straightened out in my head. It's like I can't think straight any more. I know what you mean about feeling like you can't wait any more. I want talk about this stuff now, but my wife doesn't seem to. It makes me feel like she doesn't even think about "us" or our problems. I have been praying a lot lately too. It makes me feel a lot calmer inside.<P>Talk to you later

29Guy,<P>Hello again! I know exactly how you feel (well pretty close I'm sure). I talked to the H a bit today...but not for long and of course not about any of our problems. Mostly chit chat about his day at work and also about him calling his dad. His dad wants to talk to him but H is avoiding them..won't return their calls and what not. *shrug* Don't know what I can do but wait really...I'm going nuts I think!<P>These postings take so long sometimes..would you like to talk somewhere else as well? E-mail? ICQ? AIM? It's up to you..if not that's okay and I understand.<P>Diossa<p>[This message has been edited by Diossa (edited July 30, 2001).]

Hi Diossa,<P>I know what you mean too. My W hasn't told her parents much about us. I talked to them more about it than she has. Luckily I have great in-laws and there are no problems between me and them. My M-I-L used to make wedding cakes as a side job. She stilldoes sometimes for a friend. My wife was over there making a wedding cake, with her moms help, all day this past Friday. I want to go over there and see if they talked about "us". I kind of feel like it's spying almost, but if she talks to SOMEBODY about this I feel I have a right to know after 8.5 years with m W. I'm not on ICQ and don't know what AIM is? But email is ok. There is a thread in the just found out forum, called e-mail exchange. My email is listed on the last page of that thread.<P>Have a good day today!

Wow, strange how much our situations are a like. Even with the in-laws. I talk to them about it more than he does (obviously since he hasn't talked to them since he left). I'm closer with them than I am with my own parents..actually my own family doesn't know. My mom can really hold a grudge, my brother has problems of his own and he'll probably try to kill the H (seriously) and my dad..he's the only one who might be supportive of me..but he'd still be angry because I'm his "little girl."<P>I work tonight, as well as Wed and Thurs so I won't really talk to him at all. He is watching our daughter Wed and Thurs nights unless something changes so he'll be staying here at the house. Wish I could just sneak in at night and sprinkle some fix-all fairy dust all over him while he's sleeping. HAHA Wouldn't that be nice! At least he is spending some time with the kiddo. He has seen her as often as he has seen me since he left...I think twice (maybe 3 times) since the 20th. (Actually the 18th because I went out of town with here to visit a friend when he left.) So I'm glad that he's going to see her....and actually spend some time with just the two of them. Hmm..need to find out if he'll be here before I leave for work or if my in-laws need to watch her for awhile before he gets here. Oh, more great news..my mom wants to come down this weekend....and I dont want her to know. Maybe she'll just stay for the day. That is what she usually does. I can just close of the bedroom and if she asks about certain stuff missing..well I can make somethign up.<P>Sorry I'm rambling today...guess today is going to be one of those days that I can't get my thoughts straight...We'll see...Let me know how things go with you. If you find out anything more or get counseling set up! You're in my prayers...<P>Diossa

Hi Diossa,<P>I'm glad you get a long with your in-laws, that helps I think. I'm sorry about you not being able to tell your family. I took a while to tell my mom because I knew she would be mad. She told me, when I told her about my W and I, that she loves my W like her own daughter. She was very depressed and mad, but she took it better than I thought she would. <P>Wow, if you EVER find any fix-it dust please send a large container my way. I'll fill my W's car with it!<P>I hope everything goes ok with your mom's visit. Try not to get too stressed out thinking about it. Especially on your shift with working 12 hours at night, it would only make you tired and crabby. I think I am not sleeping right because of this whole thing. I get a little sleep and fell like crap. I get a whole ton of sleep and I fell like crap. <P>Go ahead and ramble. it's good to get it out of your system sometimes. I think I'm rambling now. Definitely scrambling now, I have to get ready for work.<P>Thanks for the prayers, you're in mine too <BR>Take care,<BR>29Guy