I am 31 and my W is 24. We have 2 Cs, 3 yrs and 2yrs. We had been dating for 1.5 years when we found out she was preg. We had been talking about getting married before we found out so we decided to go on and get married. Our 4th ann. is Oct 1. Up until Jan of 03 everything was fine. I lost my job in Jan and the one issue I had came became much worse. i have a temper. I AM NOT nor would i ever be physically abussive to W or kids but words hurt as much as a fist sometimes i know. Either way, it truly wasn't a problem until i lost my job and the usual struggles that come along with being unemployed started to make my temper worse. Between Jan and April we had 3 "blow up" fights. Can't even begin to tell you what started them but they ended in a shouting match in front of the kids. Each time i asked my W to please just drop it and let us both cool off. Each time she refused and it resulted in me loosing it, and leaving for my parents or friends house for the night.

My wife was bartending 2 nights a week at an upscale rest. before i lost my job. She had worked there for several years and they offered her a management pos. that also allow her to keep her two barshifts which meant great money and benefits. She labored with the idea and seemed to want to keep her 2 shifts while i returned to work. Job market stank in Jan-Feb so finding a good job was dificult. Reluctantly she took the man. posistion in March.

Everything seemed OK until about the 1st of may. My wife was always VERY affectionate. She wouldn't even let me sit in the chair to watch TV...had to be beside her on the couch which was fine by me...that Kind of thing. All of a sudden it stopped. No I love yous, no pecks on the cheek or pats on the behind. No random i love yous. This went on for several weeks. Several times during that time my wife called home after work to say she was going "out with the girls" for a drink. She wouldn't be late. She gets off around 12:30 or so. She wouldn't get home until 3am. On a hunch i got our cell phone records. I recognized every number but one. She would call this number 6,7, sometime 8 times a day. I noticed that the majority of the calls were between 9pm and 3am. The only days is wasn't called were her days off. She would even sneak calls when she went to the groc store. or I wasn't home. I called the num and got a mans voice mail. I then called my wife at work and told her that this strange # showed up on our caller ID.....did she recognize it? "No, I don't" she said. I said, well, I called it and got this guys name...do you know anyone by this name? "No I don't " she said . again. I then told he where i really got the number from and that i knew how much she was calling him and I asked again...who is he? "he is just a friend" was the predictable response.

I didn't and i don't think my W was having an A. I think this guy was simply a sweet talker trhat told her what she wanted to hear and she liked hearing it. But i don't think she had an A. In fact when I first found out about him I asked her to stop calling and she refused. Each time i saw another call to his # I would leave the house that night and she would call in tears saying she didn't know what was wrong with her.

Fast forward 3 months. We went to a counseler. had a few good sessions too. She even came to church once for the 1st time since this all started and stoppe calling the OG. The only think she wouldn't do was spend ANY of her spare tiome with me. NONE! If she came straight home after work she was asleep 10 min later. but the next night she would be out to 3am with the girls. This happed for about a month until she went to the beach for her family vacation. We had agreed i wouldn't go because it was planned when things weren't so good for us and she just wanted a break from it all. didnt blame her so did I. She went and called every day and I missed her. She got back on a Sun night. Mon invited her to a young couples dinner at church...didn't want to go. On Tues night after work ( her first chance to come home and see me for 1st time in over a week she called and said going out with the girls...

I left when she got home and called her a B**** as i left. She used that as an excuse to skip the next nights counseling session. Instead asked me to come watch the kids so she could have a night "alone" . I lost it. Went to the house to get kids and said the most awful things i have ever said to another person in my life. I didn't threaten her with violence in any way but i basically said that that was what she deserved. She left in tears W/ the kids for her parents. i moved out and haven't been back since. That was a month ago. In that time we have split time with the kids. Twice she has called to see them on one of my days because it was her day off. Both times i agreed and both times she cancelled on the KIDS to spend the night drinking at the house with her girlfriends. After the second time i called her at work and again said that it was one thing to put her friends before me but doing that to the kids is terrible. Terrible but true. and the one thing you can't do is insult her as a mother even though she only sees them for a few hrs in the am 4 days a week and when she gets a chance to spend part of MY day with the kids she ditches them for her drinking buddies.

After all of this and less than 24 hrs after the fight where i said all the terrible things i did, when asked she still says she won't ever be able to replace me as a best friend, lover, no one will be as funny, smart, etc. But she will have NOTHING to do with me. She is absolutely and totally uninterested in me in every way! She does call 3-4 times a week and i never call her. her calss are usually 4-5 min long and we rarely talk about anything but the kids. And NEVER about us. the one time we did she acted as if she would have convulsions if we talked anymore (even though we hadn't talked about us for almost a month)

either way...after all of this I still love my wife as much as i did the day i married her. I am a great husband (how many Hs you know that would watch the kids until 3am knowing the W was out drinking and probably around the OM?) I figure the best thing to do now is just back off. i have been out of house for 1 mon. But I love her and want to save it.....i miss my wife and even more i miss being a family. Any ideas of where to go fro here?

Ask her to see a MC with you either to rebuild the marriage or to prepare both of you to dissolve the marriage. To stay in limbo waiting for her to return will put you on a emotional rollercoaster ride without showing any progress. My other advice is expose her affair with hard evidence by using a P.I. etc. If she knows that you know it will burst her fantasy bubble. It will bring forth the reality that her continuation of the affair will definitely end in a divorce.

Hello John,

Sorry that this has been so difficult for your family. I did not see this before I posted on your prayer request thread. I would probably stick to one thread for your situation, so that people know where to respond.

I know that tomaz has advised you to </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ask her to see a MC with you either to rebuild the marriage or to prepare both of you to dissolve the marriage. To stay in limbo waiting for her to return will put you on a emotional rollercoaster ride without showing any progress. My other advice is expose her affair with hard evidence by using a P.I. etc. If she knows that you know it will burst her fantasy bubble. It will bring forth the reality that her continuation of the affair will definitely end in a divorce. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know John that you said you are a believer, but unfortunately, with all due respect, tomaz, this is not what I think that God would tell you. Also, Harley's principles are based around Christianity and focusing on how you can be a better husband

God would tell you to humble yourself, and confess your faults to him and Anita. I think that you should pray for Him to lead you to work on becoming the father that He wants you to be. I would also suggest that you also pray for your wife to seek the Lord out as well and to ask to let go of any anger, fear and resentment that she may feel towards you. I think that you should seek out the Lord to help you to eliminate your anger problem. Treating Anita harshly with angry outbursts is just as bad as treating God this way.

I know this is a long hard road, but I think that you need to work on how you can be kind to her always, no matter what the situation. You will be more successful in your marriage if God knows that you are humbling yourself, and being kind to others at all times. This is how she will see the changes in you and will want to spend time with you.

(By the way, I am separated, and we have not talked about us at all in the entire time that I moved out--about 1 1/2 months ago. Not talking about your R is surely hard, as it is for me. However, I think that this will only pressure her and drive her further away I think at this point.)

Hope this helps,

I will continue to pray for you

Gregg