WS and I are negotiating the settlement of dv.
if I don't agree on this he is taking me to court.

His nett salary pm in our currency is 40 000.00
My nett salary pm in our currency is 6 000.00

He is only prepared to pay me 6 000,00 cash pm for 2 children.

I must take transfer of morgage on my name and pay mortgage 4 000 pm or sell house.
I must pay for all education of 2 girls 11/5
I must pay my car 1 300,00 pm
No claim on his pension fund, no claim on any of his insurance policies.
No contribution towards legal fees.

Do I settle, do I turn my back on everything and raise the children on my salary alone. Do I go to court which will cost me 50 000. My atty's cannot give me a guarantee that court will be able to get more for me. WS is shrewd business man.

I have saved enough money for the dv but not for trial. If I must move out of house I will need money to set me up in flat. Is it wise spending it on a trial that I could possibly walk out with nothing.

The way I am feeling now.......Packing up, take my things and move in with my mum. Rearing my children alone with no financial input from him.

His form of manipulation is his money.......I've had enough of this game. I know I will make it.

HELP ME, HELP ME PLEASE.......................

<small>[ August 26, 2003, 09:19 AM: Message edited by: GinnyF ]</small>

I don't understand how your WS could get by with that. Check the laws in your state.

In my state, x-H has to pay a certain percentage of his income as child support. Then, based on the length of your marriage, you may have other rights too, such as, ask for 5-6 years of spousal maintenance. X-H pays the kids' health insurance, etc.

My controller/abuser x-H, didn't want to give me anything at first....but I refused to be intimidated and told H that we will have to cooperate concerning the kids for the future so a fight now will only make our relationship worse. Right now it would be less stress on the kids, & less expense for both of us to mediate...Why let attorneys pull us around, posture, & fight and a court decide our lives?

A mediator of our choosing helped create a plan that works for our unique situation. We settled out of court, the attorneys signed off, and we are just waiting to hear that the judge has signed the paperwork.

Put your kids first...Do what's best for them in the long-run... Is it possible for you and the kids to stay in their own home for their stability? Is custody an issue?

I know a lady with 3 kids who moved in with her parents. I don't advise it. If you can possibly get the supports to live in your home or your own place with the kids...that is best.

<small>[ August 21, 2003, 08:21 AM: Message edited by: Renae ]</small>

I don't know your country, but here in the US each state has guidelines for child support. For two kids, it is estimated that it takes 25% of income to raise them. The amount that you'd get as child support would depend on who has the children more.
So, as an example, I'll work using your numbers, and assuming you each have the girls 50% of the time.
With a total monthly income of 46,000, he provides 87% of the household income, while you contribute 13%. 25% of the total is 11,500. This amount allocated by your incomes, means that he will need to provide 10,000 of the total, and you 1,500 of the total, so he'd owe you 4,250 per month for child support alone.

Now given that your incomes are so far off, alimony would be an issue too. In my State, you would need to be married more than 10 years to get it.

Also, any children's expenses, such as schooling, would be allocated based on the incomes, so he'd be responsible for 87% of costs, and you'd be responsible for 13%.

Now, if your income is depressed because you choose to stay home and work only part time, the courts could decide that you are able to make a higher salary, and base the calculations on these.

My advice, fight for more.

GinnyF-

Don't let the fact that he has more money discourage you from pursuing a fair settlement. There are never any guarantees with regards to a court proceeding but a good attorney should give you some idea of your chances of getting a better settlement.

Do you have any evidence of the A? How do the laws in your state/country view A? Any liability for the WS? From what I've heard, rulings are more likely to go against a male WS as lots of courts are more sympathetic towards female BS's. Good luck..

Renae

I have tried negotiating with him and the words you used I also used with my WS. I spoke to him last Friday and asked him to think about the children and their future and to not let our atty's decide what is best for our kids.

Unfortunately, my h is still so deep in the fog that nothing you say will make sense.

After two years he has now gone into the blaming mode. He is blaming me for his financial difficulties.

You know the way I feel now is to settle for the amount he is offering and take transfer of the house into my name and pay the mortgage.

This I am doing for my kids, and it seems that at this moment I am the stable parent. He got paid on the 15th of this month. It is the 21st and he is without money. Asked atty's if I could wait until next month for a measly 250.00.

Newly
I know my WS is going to crash and burn someday soon. My gut is telling me to take what he is offering now and even though I need to take over the mortgage rather that way then to lose the house.

C/s is also worked out on a percentage here in our country. Your figures basically comes to the same my atty calculated. According to my atty he should be paying about 8000,00 pm for both kids. He wants to pay 6000 and keep them on his health insurance.

In our country you cannot claim alimony if you are a working person. I have always worked so I do not qualify for that.

I am the custodial parent and he sees them every alternate weekend and 50% of holidays.

I feel that I should just settle at this point because WS has a record of getting himself into financial trouble which normally takes years to get undone. As I have told Renae, he got paid the 15th of this month, today is the 21st and he does not have money.

I am going to sleep on it as I need to inform my atty tomorow whether I am accepting or go to trial.

You know at the end of the day he is the loser and not me and the kids.

It sounds like you are somewhere in Europe. I don't know the laws of your country but going to court is a decision you would have to make based on the historical record of the courts. If the difference is only going to be 2 000,00 a month then it's probably not worth it. In the US every state is different. In my cousin's state the court added up his and her income and gave her 2/3 of the grand total along with custody of the child. In my state I got 50% of our assets and joint custody + my ex pays for my daughter's school. You really have to sit down with your attorney and get a realistic assessmentt of what you may get out of a court case. Good luck

Ginny, I hate it when these guys try to steamroll over their wives.

Face facts. Your H has been living a lavish life-style with OW for some time now, and says he can't afford child-support, etc. Maybe he should be downsizing from that 9 bedroom house (or is it only 5?) and forgoing a few of his luxurious vacations. This crap just makes my blood boil. Guys like him can find all kinds of ways to hide money.

Doesn't sound to me like you have a piranha lawyer, which you NEED.

I really hate to see you taken advantage of. I am not sure what the divorce laws are in South Africa (which is where I think you live if I remember rightly). But doesn't seem to me like they would give him all that he is wanting and leave you with nothing.

Carol

After lengthy negotiations between our atty's yesterday I will be getting the following:

Maintenance - 7 000 pm
His equity in the house to be transferred into my name. He must stand surety for the mortgage.
Health insurance for 2 DD's
Educational Policies for Tertiary Education which I will keep in my possession in case he defaults.

He gets to keep the business which is bonded to a tune of 1.3m. I have seen the business again after 2 yrs and could not believe in what total disrepair the building is. He is desperately trying to sell the business but thus far could not get a buyer. (HIs baby now)

I thank God that I get to keep the house.
I pay for the education of DD's but that is fine with me as for the past two years I have wasted so much money on lawyers fees just to get him to pay arrear school fees.

LITCHFIELD: I live in a no-fault country so adultery is recognised as irreconcileable differences. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

RUBY1: I have asked opinions from different atty's regarding the settlement and they feel it is the worth the while going to court as I could be the loser in the end.

CarolH: How are you doing. I was advised by my advocate to take this settlement and run, run, run.

Husband's lifestyle with OW is catching up with them. I will accept this now but I did have a clause put into the consent papers that I have the right to take him to maintenance court at any point and time.

As for me I don't know if I am in denial or what but there is no more emotions left. I am glad that this soap opera is drawing to a close.

Financially, I am actually better off than WS. For past two years I have saved quite a bit of money. This is covering all my legal fees, school fees for the next year for 2 dd's, I can also pay the balance outstanding on my car. So I will be completely debt free for at least a year.

As for WS and OW: They have burned their own bridges. Yes, they lived an opulant lifestyle for the past two years and laughed at me but last night I had the last laugh.

OW phoned and she was hysterical - HOW DO I THINK THEY MUST SURVIVE IF HE PAYS ME THAT SUM OF MONEY PER MONTH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I told her "Ask my husband, he wanted his family to be comfortable........... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and I put the phone down.

At the end of the day he is left with all the debts, a high flying OW which will soon discover how financially unstable her CEO boss is and he is trapped like a bird in the cage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Only you can answer that one. If your lawyer is good, and has your best interests at heart, listen to him. If he’s not good, or doesn’t have your long-term welfare at heart, find a new one.

I’m risk-adverse, so I’d say take the money and run. Another consideration: Will the amount of child support he pays play into his input into decisions regarding the children?

On the other hand, you might be getting stiffed big-time.

GinnyF
Good for you. I am very happy to hear you are closing this unfortunate chapter in your life. In a no fault country where an affair is not a fault you probabaly could not have done better in court. Soon you will start feelig so much better that all of this is behind you.
On a different note isn't it funny that men start acting like teenagers at a certain point in their lives. My ex started taking flying lessons and invested a fortune into this. Now he is telling me he wants to transfer our daughter to public school from private school "if she is not benefitting" It's only been 4 days since the new school year started!

Greenables and Ruby1 thank you for your replies:

Final DV settlement signed today. I feel relieved. Like a weight that has been hanging over my head for the past two years has been lifted.

On the downside: STBX had to fly down to our town to sign settlement. He flew in on Friday morning and left on Friday evening without contacting the kids. Unfortuanely, my SIL who is an air hostess saw him boarding the flight back to his town and told my kids that she saw their dad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

My 11yo D, was quite distraught. She could not believe that he was in town without seeing or contacting her. She spoke to him later the Friday evening but he did not utter a word to her about being in town. She also kept quite. I did notice though that she had no interest in calling or returning his calls over the weekend. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

He also informed my Atty today that he does not have money to fly down for the court date which is 4th September and if they could ask me to present the papers in court. He is divorcing me so rightfully he should be the one to appear in court.

How do I feel:- My love bank is way in the red with him.......... I deserve much better than this spineless creature that he has become.

As for my emotions:- I have been in Plan B 21mnths now. I have no more love left. Never in my wildest of dreams would I have envisaged that I would eventually reach this point.

The 4th of September to me now is just a formality a piece of paper.

On the bright side:- For the first time in my life I saw snow on Saturday. Took DD's on a three hour car journey just to see the snow. Build a snowman on my car just for the fun of it. Took many photo's.

Ii do not have a broken family, my daughters and I, we are a family and a very happy family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />