Hi, I am still at work and I needed to speak with someone about my marriage. I want to leave my husband of 19 years but I just can't seem to make the move to leave. I am financial stable, I have my own home that we all live in. He is emotionally and verbally abusive, I hate it and my kids are picking it all up. He thinks that i cannot live without him. I have the hardest time when and how to leave. It's my house so how do I tell him to leave. I did once and he came back and stayed with us again. He changed a little then but his attitude has returned. His little brother died about 6mos ago and uses depression to push me and my kids away and has gotten pretty rude with his words. I hate to go home but I have to becasue of my kids. Help me in deciding how to leave without the kids being involved. Kids are G-13 b-12 b-6 Married for about 19.6 years

What about counseling, for you and the kids. If he is depressed, is he seeing anyone for his depression and possibly on drugs.

This is going to be hard on the kids, divorce. And hard on you hon. Yes, you may think it may not destroy you, but it will be a destructable condiiton, that will cause much pain on you, your husband, and especially your children.

Give yourself time, to think, try counseling for yourself if he won't go, but I would suggest counseling for the two of you, and maybe once a month for the whole family.

Marriages, do not need to break up, they need to mend the lovebusters, and to continue on with what you two started out with, love.

I am divorced, and it has been difficult for me. It hasn't phased my x-hsuband. He actually has a friend now that he talks to on the phone. I heard his conversation, and he lied about who he was talking to when I went over his mothers house (that is where he lives). And he will continue the lies, cause this is what the wayward spouse does.

But I am moving on, and I really don't need my x-hsuband, if he doesn't want me. I have moved on to find myself, and my future is still unknown. But hey, the betrayed spouse gets the raw end of the deal.

I would like for you two really think this out, and try to save your marriage. Counseling seems to be the true helper in marriages.

I understand how hard living with abuse can be, I did it for 7 years. I finally left, just left. I told him I could not make him happy and I blamed it all on me (I did this to pacify him). I told him he deserved someone better, someone stronger, etc, etc, etc... I never once placed a single ounce of blame on him. He ended up changing 100%... He sought therapy and medication, it worked. We were separated 6 months. However, I was prepared to leave for good. He begged me to stay and I did.

I recommend that you see a Dr. and get on some antidepressents. That way you will be able to be more rational and less emotional. They helped me tremendously.

You know I have tried everything from taking him to church, printing articles on depression and even providing a list of support groups. He just does not want to help himself. He is so insecure (jealous) and wants to know about my every move. he uses the kids to get away with coming back the last time I told him to leave. I don't think this is a marriage that can be saved. My kids feel it and I am so uncomfortable with living with him. I hate to go home. I make excuses to stay at work a little longer each day. He use to control me with money, autos and where I go. But now I make the money, I have my own car, and I am almost in control of my life to where I want to do it on my own with my kids. This may not be the answere for the kids but this is a start of a new life for us right? I donnot know why I can't not let him go, I am scared to be alone....

Dear Confused,

One mechanism is Protective Order from a Court in your jurisdiction. In order to understand protective orders, you can visit a law school, which ordiarily has a law library. You can call the Bar Association Lawyer Referral service, and they will often give you 3 names of lawyers, familiar with Domestic Relations, and each lawyer will make an appointment and discuss the matter for $20.00 for 20 minutes,in many jurisdictions. Take notes, go to the library, read on line statutes, make another appointment .

Once you understand the ins and outs of Protective Orders, you can go to an intake clerk in the court, and they are ordinarily helpful in drawing up protective orders.

Then if your husband violates the order, you can call the police, and they will advise him to leave, or face arrest.

That is the mechanical part. You may be able to motivate your husband to get counseling, by photocopying some sample Protective Orders, or writing some out yourself, and ask your husband to get some counseling, or to select a Protective Order. POJA. Policy of Joint Agreement.

You could tell him that you are unhapy with the way he speaks to you, and that it will lead to problems with the children as teenagers, if they are backtalking like he is. Teenagers need to learn the skills of disagreeing without being disagreeable, if they are to be successful in life. Developing habits of back-talk will handicap the children.

You may wish to look at the 10 aspects of emotional fulfillment in marriage, and see if there is more positive working than you are portraying here. If you want to put it on the line, for his negative comments, that is a strategy. I will try to check back, but I don't usually post here, click on my name and Recent Posts and let me know I forgot you.

My wife likes to throw temper tanatrums, so ordinarily I just leave for a few hours. Now she is trying the tactic of leaving since the last time I left. She doesn't know how enjoyable the peacefulness is, even after only 2 days.

Best wishes,

Quipper