I was wondering today. I am now divorced, so there is no mystery, no lies, no deceit, no betrayal to experience. But my x-husband did all that, and I would of loved to experience, while married, to have a man spend money on me SECRETLY, say all those lovely things in the phone, spend all that time together on the phone, and lust. My husband hurt me terribly emotionally, and physically, he did hurt me to which I had surgery after his affair.

But I was thinking, I didn't get to have that euphoria, that lust, the wanting, the ballistic actions. I wonder how it felt, how it felt to the wayward spouse to feel all this, and see the pain they were doing to their spouse all those years, months, or whatever? I wonder if there was any pain in the pain that the wayward spouse saw in their spouse. I wonder if they even noticed the tears, the heart being ripped out of their spouse? I wonder if there was any remorse or guilt shown to their spouse or felt while they were lusting for the other person?

This may seem crazy, but I really would like to experience the euphoria. I would like to experience the lust. I was destroyed, emotinally and physically. And my x-hsuband hasn't once even stated that he is sorry for the divorce. So I was just wondering if any one else who was dumped by their spouse feels the way I do.

I was doing pretty good, and yet, these thougths have been coming through me like a river flowing faster and faster. The feeling of being dumped, and x-husband doesn't give one iota about how I have been damaged, or hurt. It is always about him. But hey, that is what a betrayed spouse is suppose to do, be the giver, and he the taker. He took and destroyed the famly, and yet, I am left without much. He lives a life of vacationing, which he is doing. He lives the life of taking the kids out for dinner and movies, which I can't. He lives the life of doing whatever he wants, and not worrying about paying bills.

But it will be hard for me, but I will survive. Cause I do have my church, and I am very proud of my church, and the people. I love the people of my church, and I am sorry that my kids don't attend. Of course, none of them feel church is necessary, dad doesn't go to church, so he betrayed, yelled, hurt their mother, and so they are following their fathers path.

There is nothing I can do, do change any of this. I attend and am getting more active in my church. That is all I can do, and they will lead the path of their father, whatever that is.

Anyways, I was wondering if otheres have felt the same way I do.

Faith---I don't feel like you at all. I do not envy my WS and OW at all. I did a little in the beginning cause I thought I saw their excitement. Their erotic, lustful relationship is such a meaningless, surface thing that has no ability to ever be deep and beneficial. I learned awhile back that I could have had sex without committment by staying married to WS. I don't want that cause it is like chasing the wind. That is what OW has now. They have no future and what they have now will wither and die.

King David hit the nail on the head. "Do not fret of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away." Psalm 37:1

What cheating people have is not long lasting. It is weak and will wither at the slightest crisis. I find great comfort in those words.

It sounds like your XH is going into debt further and further and that is nothing to envy. You best focus on the good that is developing in your life from doing the right thing. I think doing the right thing doesn't always "feel" good but the payoff is great and longlasting.

TW

No, I would not at all, simply because it is sin and I have enough regrets in my life. Any more and I don't think I could last another day.

I desire to be a faithful, godly woman even if it costs me. It is not easy to be alone. My husband did not have an affair but is engaged (we divorced 10 mos ago) and it breaks my heart, but I have pursued reconciliation and because of that have chosen to date no one and to be alone. But the Lord has been my strength. There is a song that says, "Better is one day in his house than 10,000 elsewhere." That is true. I even consider remaining single if that is the God's will. It is a true surrender though because I do not desire it, but know that God's ways bring life and peace and joy. We have to trust Him and seek Him to meet our needs.

Allow the Lord to comfort you during this time. As tossedwave referred to the verse: do not fret over evil men or envy their ways. Allow the Lord to do His work. Satan has deceived your husband and your husband is right now lost as a result. He is in disobedience to the Lord and the Lord will deal with him. But, do not delight in that. Forgive your husband. I know that is hard, but the Lord says that unless you forgive others their sins, He will not forgive you of yours. The Lord is your Comforter and Healer and is "close to the brokenhearted."

Your husband outwardly seems happy and strong, but you do not know the turmoil that is in his heart as he lays in bed each night thinking about what he has done. Yes, I am certain he feels guilt and remorse... but it is probably buried beneath a hardened heart. If he faces that guilt and remorse and the sin he has committed, he will break and he fears that. Satan has deceived him and with each sin, your husband's heart hardened as he became seperated from God and opened wide the door for Satan to enter.

The Bible says to pray for our enemies. That is hard. Very hard. But as we do this, we will see them as Christ sees them... as sinners in need of Jesus' love.

Satan has already hardened your husband's heart. Pray for him and do not allow him to harden yours as well. This is by far the most painful time for you and to allow yourself to not be hard is to allow yourself to grieve and feel intense pain. Pour your heart out to God, your Maker, and also allow your church to minister to you during this time. "Fix your eyes on Jesus" and not on your husband.

May God be close to you now and minister comfort to you.

Faith, No, I don't have any desire to have an affair. I cheated on an ex-boyfriend years ago and, yes, it seemed exciting at the time, in fact it was so addictive that I had a hard time ending first the A and then the relationship that wasn't working. In MB terms, my boyfriend was not meeting my needs for conversation or affection, but he didn't deserve to be betrayed by me. I learned from that situation that I NEVER wanted to cheat on anyone again and my STBXH's betrayal only cemented that feeling. The excitement of the A was illusory, it was like a drug, temporary and fleeting, and left me feeling "hung over" with guilt and remorse.

To have an affair is an adulterous life. What I was trying to express is the euphoria and excitement and all. Is there anyone out there that would like to have a glimpse of this felt like. I don't see my x-husband as having felt any remorse or guilt. He repeadedly states that the affair was meant to be. Which when I read in recovery and other posts, many wayward spouses express the pain and tearing of hearts that they feel so badly about. My x-husband has never expresed this to me at all. Just that it was all meant to be.

Knowing that affairs, are Satans power over our bodies, is extremely wrong. Where is it that one can justify their action over and over that what they did was meant to be. As many of you know my x-hsuband was SNL, Lurking About, or whomever he wants to be now. Sometimes, I would of loved to have someone lust over me. Spend money on me like teenager foolishness. To swoon me with powerful tidbits of affection. But, deep in my heart I know the pain and tearing of the heart would of been more than I would ever want to place on my family.

My family is so torn apart, and x-husband is still controlling the family in many ways. Like now, he and 2 of the kids went on vacation with him to Colorado. I have 2 of the kids staying here, for they didn't want to go. X-husband, upset me so much with his words to our 21 year old daughter. If she didn't go on vacation with him and the other two, that she was to go nowhere. That she didn't want to spend time with the family, then she could just stay home. So he considers he and the kids family, and I am nothing. Of course, he stated to me that I was not family anymore, I was nothing to him. My daughter that he said this to, was crying and upset. I hate his actions, I hate what he is doing, and the controlling still continues.

That is one of the reasons the marriage didn't work out well. X-husband is a controller, and will always be a ocntroller. Also, he lacked conversation and affection. Plus his personal hygiene was poor. Which I didn't see before marriage, cause he was always smelling clean and dressed properly.

Knowing that my x-husband experienced all of this, and left me to die per say, and experineced all the euphoria and lust, where is the justification justified of the wayward spouse? Yes, I have been told he will get his return somehow. But what takes away the pain and physical pain of the betrayed spouse. Also, Lurking About, did injure me physically, causing surgery on rotator cuff, and I am still recovering from this, he has no feelings about this injury. Tells me repeadedly, that I was the one responsible for the injury. Which is totally wrong, he being a 290# man versus 120# woman. And then comes to my house 1 hour later and puts the key on the counter and says here is the key with a cocky voice.

There is much pain to heal. And much trauma to this family that has destroyed all of us. Husband-X doesn't seem to see things this way, and the pain is still there for myself and the family, but lessened some. I am a giver by nature, and have a lot of compassion for people. Always have, always will. But there is a part of my heart that is hardened by this destruction that my x-husband caused.

Yes, affairs are Satans power over ones body, just wondering what it would feel like to be pursued this powerfully. Also to see the pain of both families involved would seem to put an end to all affairs.

Just been thinking, and like the reader Digest says, women think way to much, and maybe my energy is swaying with the struggle I am having on living on a day to day basis.

Thank you for your powerful christian words. That is one of the reasons I am working on my path with the Lord, and asking him for a straight path to his door.

I've been on both sides of the fence. I guess you can say it would be like doing cocaine - yeah, you feel good but you are DESTROYING your life and the lives of your Loved Ones while you're doing it. Is it worth it? H*LL NO!! It is NOT worth it!
From one who knows - and is sadder but wiser for having experienced it.
Harold
PS - Also, for anyone (myself included) who does this - YOU'RE FOOLING YOURSELF!!!!

I am glad I didn't have an affair experience.

I expect the euphoria you describe in a new relationship. The right one, where I can be proud of my behavior in my M and after.

I follow your posts and feel that you might benefit from counseling. You continue to hold the anger. I know money is an issue. In our area, there is free counseling at the women's crisis center. You continue to allow him to control you, if not directly through the children (and their disrespect) and MIL.

May God bless you and your family. You must be willing to help yourself first.

Faith, you’re not really talking about having an affair. You’re talking about falling in love. And, oh boy, would I like to have that again. And so would all those others. It’s just that no sane person would choose to fall in love with someone other than their spouse while they’re married.

And if you’re vulnerable, I think only deeply rooted self-preservation instincts will protect you from the devastation of an affair. No amount of knowing it is a sin in the eyes of God helps. No amount of knowing the pain you’ll inflict on your spouse helps. Maybe knowing that the children will find out helps.

Get your life in order as you’re doing. Be strong, and a good strong man will fall in love with you and awaken that euphoria in you. It’ll be there again. And no matter what your age, you’ll be acting like a teenager again. Bonnie Rait’s newest album has a song about it. And you’ll get to keep it secret from your children!

Faith,

I wouldn't say that your ex-h doesn't have any feelings of guilt or regret over his A, unless he's a complete sociopath I'm sure he does.

I'm venturing a guess that you were a lot like me when I found out about my ex's A, angry, emotional and given to laying on the guilt trips. I did this in spades and so while my ex was at first willing to express remorse after a time when the brow beating didn't stop he stopped expressing any emotion towards me. He had decided, because of my actions, that I was unsafe to express feelings to and so he shut down and gave all appearances of not caring.

I don't know if this is the case with you but reading your descriptions of your ex as Satanic and so on gives me the feeling that it may be. Trust me I very much understand how angry you are and how frustrating it is to not hear remorse from him. But you'll never get that until he feels it's safe to express those things to you.

As for wanting to feel that euphoria, well, I'm remarried now and yes, the beginning of our relationship did have that head over heels feeling and it's fun. But so is the mature and trusting love that comes when two people have been together for a while. Euphoria is nice but I wouldn't trade it for what I have right now.

Harold, I like your cocaine analogy.

Faith, add me to the list of people who would NOT like to have an affair experience. If I am in a relationship that leaves me vulnerable to having an affair, that alone is bad enough. I could have had and did NOT have a number of physical affairs during my marriage. Even though I was accused of having them, over and over.

During our first separation I was as far as naked and in bed with a man and could not and did not have sex. Even though I HATED my H at the time for what he had done (multiple forms of abuse) to cause me to leave him. Right before the final separation I went out with some friends, male friends. Had dinner with one, went dancing with one, but not as dates. No sexual energy there. I didn't want sex, I wanted companionship and I had no female friends left to hang out with. I only had contact with these men because they had emailed me, one found me on Classmates and one was the ex of a friend.

When I first got to MB, I got worked up about all the flak I received about opposite sex friends, and how dare they accuse me of having an affair because I went out with males and did the same things I'd do if I were out with females.

I get it now. Needs were being met by a member of the opposite sex. To some, that equals affair. To me, I guess that means lots of people have lots of same-sex affairs every day.

I hope I never so much as fantasize about another man. Before I met my XH, when I was young and stupid, I got cheated on and cheated, got cheated on and cheated, vicious circle of being the victim and being the betrayer. After XH, and what he put me through for just thinking I was cheating when I wasn't, I have NO inclination to ever be in a relationship where I'd WANT to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong>
I didn't get to have that euphoria, that lust, the wanting, the ballistic actions.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You will get to experience that euphoria, that lust, that wanting, all of it. Only you will get to experience when you date, when you fall in love. Only in your case it won't have to end in pain. You can go on to marry the guy. He will be your mate, your best friend, and that love will never have to end. You won't have to face the worse aspects of an affair, the guilt.

Faith
I understand your desires completely. The last few years of my marriage were so void of emotion, I often felt I could have an affair and there were plenty of men around who were only looking for a small signal from me but I couldn't do it. Not because I was afraid of hurting my ex, but because I had too much self respect for that. I couln't have looked at myself in the mirror at night without disgust! Several years prior to my marriage I fell in love with someone else while dating another person. I had 2 relationships going on for about 2 weeks after which I dumped the first guy and I still regret hurting him although I actually have been good friends with the first guy til this day. I would never do this again to myself. What you are looking for is falling in love not an affair and it will feel much better to do this as a free woman than a married woman. The guilt will be with your ex everyday and will eventually get to him. Especially since your kids will eventually blame him as well.

Ruby - your statement that the kids will eventually blame me, no it won't happen here that way. There is no one here on MB that lives in this house and hears my husband criticize me the way he does. He tells me that I am the one who is causing the kids to turn away from me. I am the one who is not safe. Heck, Lurking about has been the one to tell the kids repeadedly to get a loan on this house to pay bills. Telling the kids that I am a fu*king Bi*ch, telling the kids that I am a sociopath, not telling the kids the truth. I have caught him in a lie recently, and just pointed it out to the kids, that this is the way it is. You can believe your father, but here is the truth. And my oldest daughter, she finds nothing wrong with her father, I asked her to read the divorce papers, to prove a point. She wouldn't, but still believes what her father says. And that hurts.

X-husband, Lurking about is not being fair, and not safe for anyone to be with at this time. He is still lieing, and one time I walked in his mothers house, which he lives with his mother in the so called "hovel", and his mother was not there. I heard him talking, and then he said I have to go someone is here, and then he had the phone in his hand walking out of his room, and of course, I said, someone to state he was talking, and of course more lies. I have told him all I want is honesty, and that is all. He doesn't have to care about me, cause he doesn't at all and hasn't for many years. But when he is asked a question, where is the honesty. Why does he continue to lie to the kids about me. I don't understand this, and yes my self-esteem goes down and up. But I do tell the kids, that dad is a good man, he has a problem with control, which they all tell me that he will never change with the control, and I said that your father does not love me, dad seems to have a problem with depression and we both are moving on to our new paths.

Also, I am placing my life with the chruch, and the people. I have met a man from church, and he seems to be nice. But as far as dating, I am not interested at this time. There is no need to date or be with the opposite sex at this time. As the Harleys stated, that one should be divorced for at least a year before they start dating.

I just want the euphoria like I stated above. But what is also bothering me, is I will never marry again. The bible states that the only person that I could marry would be my x-husband. But as I stated earlier, he has a female friend already. I walked in on a conversation with his talking with her. He doesn't know how long I was listening to their conversation, but hey that is okay. I can be at my mother in laws house anytime I want. I have an okay with her and her house just as she does with my house. So how is it that I will ever feel the euphoria again, when x-husband is already seeing someone else.

Morally, Lurking about I don't believe is a christian and is taken over by Satan. His actions are so unstable. He yells at me and his mom and the kids. Stating all the time if everyone would just do what he says, and do it his way and not ask quesitons. He repeated this about every day. He yells and yells, and tells all of us that this world is a fu*king world. I had the phone by my ear, while I was waiting for my son to answer the phone to talk to his father, and Lurking About was whispering, [censored] and sh*t. I told this man when we were dating that I didn't like swearing, and now he swears quite often. I don't understand him anymore. The kids are swearing, oldest daughter calls me a B*tch, crazy, sociopath. X-husband the same, and our oldest son says [censored] often when he gets mad and things don't go his way.

This family is so screwed up, times like this I just want to take my youngest son and daughter and get away from this ballistic man. Let the oldest daughter live with her father, cause he pays for everything for her now. And let them both swear, play, and live a life of dreams.

Yes, I need counseling, and am signed up for low cost cousneling. On a waiting list, will cost me $1 a session. So I will call again this week to see if I am any closer on the list.

Hard to deal with the pain somedays, but somedays I am really okay. Life is moving on, and I feel great sometimes. But there are days when I just want to die and give it all up. Part of the the ups and downs.

Faith
I had said the kids will eventually blame your ex not you but it sounds like two of your older kids are blaming you. How old are they?

You have to accept your ex as the enemy now and expect every kind of damage from him, including lies, deceit, yelling, badmouthing you to the kids (and others), belittling... but there is no excuse for your kids to be disrespesctful of you. You have to set them straight. When I noticed that my ex was doing all of these things it hurt like h*** and I couldn't understand why he was doing it. He kept telling my daughter who is 6 that I am a bad mother. My daughter in turn started calling me a bad mother whenever I didn't get her what she wanted (new toys, computer games...etc) I finally had it and told my daughter that I had done nothing to deserve to be called a bad mother and if she said this again she would not be allowed back in my house. This did the trick <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> She was also blaming me for the divorce since I filed but thankfully my dumb ex took her to his girlfriend's house and called the girlfriend "baby" in front of my daughter so it was very easy to explain I could not stand being cheated on. My daughter has a jealous streak so she understood completely and is now mad at her father's girlfriend for getting between us. I actually support this since it is easier for her to be mad at a stranger. It allows her to continue to love her father and mother without guilt. I think if you can set boundaries with your kids it will be better for you and them in the long run.

I could not understand one thing in your post. I am not christian so forgive me if I am ignorant but you said the bible states that your ex is the only man you are allowed to marry. I know many christians who are remarried to different people, is this not allowed?

Ruby - my kids are boy 17, boy 20, girl 21, girl 25.

In the bible it states remarriage, which I will look up and post exactly, short on time for I am having the last day of my garage sale at my mothers. But the bible states, for there shall be no remarriage after divorce to anyone except your spouse. To remarry someone else, is a sin. God put the two of you together in union before him, and there shall be no other spouse. I will find the passage later this evening when the garage sale is done, and things are all packed up and put away. Our garage sales are usually large and have many items to sell.

I go and get things out of the garbage, people throwing things out and sell them. Last garage sale I had which was about 2 months ago, I made over 250 dollars on kids outside toys. Little tikes pools, sand boxes, a house, pretend lawnmower, teeter totter, etc. This time someone was being evicted, and I went through the pile and did quite well.

x-buttercup - I realize that to have an affair is only a short term euphoria. But if you were to ask Lurking about - he states he never experienced euphoria, for it was all real. He keeps stating that what he felt was real and not fantasy. Therefore, he didn't have an affair. He has asked me to quit stating that he had an affair, and not state it that way. How do you state he didn't have an affair, when he did? So I state, now that when he was in his dreamland or some choice of word on that order. There are things that he still doeesn't realize that I told him about, and he denies me ever telling him during his affair.

Better get going, time to leave and will find the passage this evening.

Affairs?, are they something worthwhile? I think they indicate a severe character weakness and short-sightedness.

I compare a physical affair, (the kinds I experienced), with fast food binging; something like a triple cheeseburger, super size fries, and chocolate shake. You indulge in something which you clearly know is very bad for you. It is a shallow conquest of empty calories; a disguised form of self-abuse. As you are about to be served, you are on edge; impatient. A stimulating environment surrounds and confuses you, but being "in line" with someone else makes you feel part of something. Then you take the first bite. It feels deceptively good, but you also sense embarrassment and wonder if anyone is watching. But you don`t think so much more as you gulp it all down; oblivious to what you are really doing to yourself. And just as suddenly as it began, it is over; only empty wrappers left and a false fleeting feeling of satisfaction. You slink away with growing guilt telling yourself that ok, never again. A knot in your stomach then tightens and you regret ever having gone near the place. Why didn`t you just have a "fruit salad"; something far better for you; something about which you could have been proud? The hours pass and although you try to fully digest what happened, part of it stays inside you absorbed into your being; right upon your gut reminding you of the weak decision you made and how weak a person you actually are overall. You tell no one about your binge experience; too ashamed to admit your actions; too disgusted with yourself to say anything to anyone. In fact, to hide the fact that you just binged, you may go home and have another meal. Or then perhaps, if you go home too late, you may binge again, secretly, all by yourself; unable to face your family. The calories, you have hidden inside, but they sure do begin to show over time.

Speaking from Experience and Standing in Finland

Standing in Finland. So that is how an affair feels. Never thought of it in those terms of eating and binging.

Why is it the one who feels the greatest amount of pain is the one who was betrayed? The wayward spouse goes on and on about how bad I was as a wife and mother. He goes on about how I didn't like this, or didn't like that. That I don't understand him, we don't relate well, we don't see eye to eye. He goes on and on, like I am some kind of wasted garbage to throw away, and he is a mightly king of Euphoria.

The pain is not as painful as 2 months ago. It is getting easier and easier to accept that this man is under satans control. I am moving on, and having a hard time dealing with finances, no alimony or childsuuport as yet. System is so screwed up here, since April, the support has been directed to another city. So I wait, and wait.

Still, just to think of having a man to swoon over me, while married, would of been a fanasy. But like you said, it was meant not to last. Just to be a temptation, and then the fun is over. And the guilt lies within the betrayer. Would be nice to see my betrayer show remorse and guilt.

I know this thread seems to have reached it's conclusion...but I was just thinking.

All moral, ethical and spiritual reasons aside...

Hasn't there been enough drama in our lives?

I don't know about anyone else...and I post here timidly because I'm new here...but I just want a peaceful, soft, deeply rooted relationship, at least sometime in my future.

I want love from a man who knows what it means to love. The last one I had didn't have a clue.

To be someone's mistress--does not mean you are being worshipped or valued. It only means you are being used by a selfish man. That you were not valued enough to be his wife or his one and only.

Exactly - where does one start leading a normal life, without all this drama and critical remarks from the one you gave your life to.

I also, want a spouse that loves me for me. Loves my abilities, compassion, communication, and all the skills that God gave me. I want a man that doesn't see me as a wicked woman. I want a man that doesn't put me down in front of the kids. I want a man that doesn't try to power over everyone, and downsize everything by stating that he was busy for 3 years. And didn't get things done in on time.

When does the soap opera end, die for good. And when does the betrayed spouse start feeling human and loveable again? I for one am given the continuous comments, that I was the bad woman. I was the one that didn't meet his needs. I didn't take care of the kids properly. Etc. Etc. And I guess he was the king of the castle, without any faults. WEll, for one, he didn't treat me as a equal and still doesn't, and will never treat anyone in his life as an equal. That is the problem with controllers. And his personal cleaniness was poor. Many arguments between us about this. When we were dating he did a good job, but as soon as we married, forget it. He was too tired to shower, too tired to shave, too tired to brush his teeth. Pitiful hygiene.

Yes, life is not fair, and us betrayed spouses will have it hard for a long time. The wayward spouse is going out to look for the euphoria and fantasy. Let them find it, and enjoy the satans powers. I am leading the life of God and that is my goal.

But getting back to the affair experience, I still would of liked to FEEL it. To feel the excitement, and dreams and communication. Would of been great, but I know deep inside that SATAN can make the worst feel better. For it will be short term, and all affairs come to a natural death.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
[QB]
Yes, life is not fair, and us betrayed spouses will have it hard for a long time.[QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Only so long as you allow it at this stage in the game...